[His disbelief actually gets a loud snort out of her, a knowing laugh, because she understands. If she hadn't already lived through that life, she would have probably felt the exact same way. The look she gives him when she finally turns enough to glance back over her shoulder is a small, wry smile, barely more then a twitch of one side of her lip.]
I know. He doesn't make it easy, does he? [What little bit of a smile she had given him fades, though, back into an almost hollow look as her memories shift back to what it had been like.] As much as he makes you hate 'im, it's what he wants. Sometimes he tries so hard to make people hate him as much as he hates himself. That way, if he never lets anyone in, he never has to let them go, an' he can prove to himself that he really is as horrible as he thinks he is, because no one loves 'im.
[She's quiet again for a moment, her hand going into her pocket, scuffing and tapping the heel of one of her boots awkwardly on the floor before she looked back at the younger face.]
Want my honest opinion? I'm worried about 'im. The amount of pain he's in, an' us bein' out of synch as we are, I worry-...[Oh, and when she catches herself realizing where she was going with that, she stops short, her brow furrowing and her mouth pulling into a thin line. He wouldn't really want her to walk around blabbing this around the place.
But hiding it and trying to pretend that it didn't exist had only pushed him so far, in the end, so dangerously close to the edge. One tiny change would have been all it took for-...She set her jaw, giving a stuttered nod as if telling herself she was doing the right thing in letting someone else know.]
He finds out I said anythin', he may do me in himself. An' I don't really want 'im knowin' this bit, either, if he hasn't reached it yet, but...[She met his gaze firmly, holding it so he could see how serious she was.] We came very close to not regeneratin'. We were dyin', shot by cybermen. But we had been livin' with so much pain, we refused. I'm worried, if we stay here too long...one little nudge here is all it could take...an' next time, maybe we won't change our mind again.
[She sniffs, shaking her head. Alright, it's out there, now, she's said it, and she can't take it back. Which is when the babbling starts, because she may very well have just opened a can of worms that should have been left closed, but there was no going back, now, and it actually kind of terrifies her.]
It's not even a self-preservation thing for me. Well, ok, maybe a little, I like bein' alive again. Actually really enjoy it. But it's not about me, it's about him, an' knowin' how much he hurts, an' wishin' I could make it go away, because I remember how every nerve in my body was on fire with it, how everything felt so raw an' so painful, an' I couldn't take it, I couldn't stand seein' one more person die, couldn't stand havin' to watch one more person I loved get killed because they put their trust an' their faith in me, an' all I could do was think about how foolish it was, how much I hated myself, how horrible I was for never learnin' my lesson an' lettin' them live their lives without me there, bringin' misery into their lives! [There's a little bit of that Scottish coming out, now. Maybe not in the voice, but in the expression, in the tension that settled in her frame, the way her hand pulled itself from her pocket to press against her forehead like she was rubbing away the ghost of the pain from behind her eye sockets.] Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see an' hear were the women an' children on Gallifrey, screamin' an' burnin'.
[But then she stills, the Scarecrow melting away into memories again, and she came back to herself, feeling a little guilty as she shook her head.]
Sorry. I'm still new, yet. It's still fresh for me. [She gave a shaky laugh, tried to smile up at him as if everything was fine.] Still only a couple months since I regenerated. I just hope he's ok, 's all. We don't know what's goin' on here, or when we'll go back, an' now that I'm here, I've got him to worry about, an' apparently our 10th face, too! [She looks absolutely befuddled for a second, her nose curling as she shakes her head.] It's like this place was set up just to make us hurt worse! What are they even doin' it all for?
no subject
I know. He doesn't make it easy, does he? [What little bit of a smile she had given him fades, though, back into an almost hollow look as her memories shift back to what it had been like.] As much as he makes you hate 'im, it's what he wants. Sometimes he tries so hard to make people hate him as much as he hates himself. That way, if he never lets anyone in, he never has to let them go, an' he can prove to himself that he really is as horrible as he thinks he is, because no one loves 'im.
[She's quiet again for a moment, her hand going into her pocket, scuffing and tapping the heel of one of her boots awkwardly on the floor before she looked back at the younger face.]
Want my honest opinion? I'm worried about 'im. The amount of pain he's in, an' us bein' out of synch as we are, I worry-...[Oh, and when she catches herself realizing where she was going with that, she stops short, her brow furrowing and her mouth pulling into a thin line. He wouldn't really want her to walk around blabbing this around the place.
But hiding it and trying to pretend that it didn't exist had only pushed him so far, in the end, so dangerously close to the edge. One tiny change would have been all it took for-...She set her jaw, giving a stuttered nod as if telling herself she was doing the right thing in letting someone else know.]
He finds out I said anythin', he may do me in himself. An' I don't really want 'im knowin' this bit, either, if he hasn't reached it yet, but...[She met his gaze firmly, holding it so he could see how serious she was.] We came very close to not regeneratin'. We were dyin', shot by cybermen. But we had been livin' with so much pain, we refused. I'm worried, if we stay here too long...one little nudge here is all it could take...an' next time, maybe we won't change our mind again.
[She sniffs, shaking her head. Alright, it's out there, now, she's said it, and she can't take it back. Which is when the babbling starts, because she may very well have just opened a can of worms that should have been left closed, but there was no going back, now, and it actually kind of terrifies her.]
It's not even a self-preservation thing for me. Well, ok, maybe a little, I like bein' alive again. Actually really enjoy it. But it's not about me, it's about him, an' knowin' how much he hurts, an' wishin' I could make it go away, because I remember how every nerve in my body was on fire with it, how everything felt so raw an' so painful, an' I couldn't take it, I couldn't stand seein' one more person die, couldn't stand havin' to watch one more person I loved get killed because they put their trust an' their faith in me, an' all I could do was think about how foolish it was, how much I hated myself, how horrible I was for never learnin' my lesson an' lettin' them live their lives without me there, bringin' misery into their lives! [There's a little bit of that Scottish coming out, now. Maybe not in the voice, but in the expression, in the tension that settled in her frame, the way her hand pulled itself from her pocket to press against her forehead like she was rubbing away the ghost of the pain from behind her eye sockets.] Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see an' hear were the women an' children on Gallifrey, screamin' an' burnin'.
[But then she stills, the Scarecrow melting away into memories again, and she came back to herself, feeling a little guilty as she shook her head.]
Sorry. I'm still new, yet. It's still fresh for me. [She gave a shaky laugh, tried to smile up at him as if everything was fine.] Still only a couple months since I regenerated. I just hope he's ok, 's all. We don't know what's goin' on here, or when we'll go back, an' now that I'm here, I've got him to worry about, an' apparently our 10th face, too! [She looks absolutely befuddled for a second, her nose curling as she shakes her head.] It's like this place was set up just to make us hurt worse! What are they even doin' it all for?