Jean Kirstein (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
neighvarily) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
genessia2015-03-24 03:45 am
neighvarily) wrote in genessia2015-03-24 03:45 am
Entry tags:
Closed [Log]
WHO: Mikasa and Jean
WHAT: Comforting eachother after some difficult weeks.
WHEN: March 13th
WHERE: The SNK apartment
WARNINGS: Cute, probably references to death, and as always, language.
He wasn't sure how long he had been standing at the window and staring at the same fucking leaf on the ground, but probably longer than healthy, considering how the shadows were now at a significantly different angle from when he started. Jean's head was a strange blank mess of fragmented thoughts and emotions he didn't even want to start making sense of. He probably should have felt better, or even worse than he ever had, but instead he just felt numb.
Normally, he would have made some kind of insulting remark to someone by now, but he was just fine with this. Maybe he should have found some way to occupy himself, by training, doing something productive, but he didn't even want to think about protecting the others, because he knew no matter how stronger he became, he wouldn't always be able to.
Armin had been right, and it hadn't been Jean who paid for it. He wasn't angry over the fact. Not anymore. He was becoming increasingly familiar with the emptiness that lingered in his head, and he just wanted to be as alone as possible in their apartment, which wasn't very lonely, but he could try.
WHAT: Comforting eachother after some difficult weeks.
WHEN: March 13th
WHERE: The SNK apartment
WARNINGS: Cute, probably references to death, and as always, language.
He wasn't sure how long he had been standing at the window and staring at the same fucking leaf on the ground, but probably longer than healthy, considering how the shadows were now at a significantly different angle from when he started. Jean's head was a strange blank mess of fragmented thoughts and emotions he didn't even want to start making sense of. He probably should have felt better, or even worse than he ever had, but instead he just felt numb.
Normally, he would have made some kind of insulting remark to someone by now, but he was just fine with this. Maybe he should have found some way to occupy himself, by training, doing something productive, but he didn't even want to think about protecting the others, because he knew no matter how stronger he became, he wouldn't always be able to.
Armin had been right, and it hadn't been Jean who paid for it. He wasn't angry over the fact. Not anymore. He was becoming increasingly familiar with the emptiness that lingered in his head, and he just wanted to be as alone as possible in their apartment, which wasn't very lonely, but he could try.
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She did notice Jean brooding a bit, but she let him be at first. After sitting outside of the door to make sure nobody tried to listen to Marco and Jean speak and to ease drop a bit herself, she knew exactly what happened, though she couldn't hear everything. If anybody had tried to listen in, she told them to move along and to leave it be. It wasn't her business per se even, but she was more in the know than the others were.
To be honest, sure she wanted to listen in a little bit, but she really didn't listen too carefully. Part of her told her that she needed to leave things be and let them handle it, so she sort of tuned some of it out or just didn't as much attention as she partially wanted to. She had a general idea of what was going down, so she didn't really try to ease drop too much.
Still, she knew after something like that, he would most definitely brood and though she wanted to comfort him, she knew that he needed space to himself for a while. Hell, even Mikasa was sort of wallowing in her own self pity with Eren leaving. Sure Armin saw a good portion of her pain and sadness to it because he shared the same emotions as she did, but she also sort of moped around in their room lying in bed. She wasn't sleepy, but she didn't have the energy to really do anything besides the requirements. After she literally checked every location she could possibly look to find Eren and being basically forced to stop by the others because it was unhealthy, she had to finally admit to herself that she was in denial and Eren was really gone.
She would have loved to mope around a bit longer, but she had things she needed to do and interaction unfortunately came with it. Still, after a good amount of time and still seeing him stare at the same place as he had before, she couldn't just idly sit by and let it continue. Letting out a deep sigh, she wondered if she was any better because going numb was what she did best. It was certainly something she was doing with Eren leaving after the initial shock and tears.
It was easier to feel numb than feel anything at all.
So who was she to tell Jean not to succumb to those feelings? Hell, she was probably the worst person to say anything along those lines because she herself was doing that too. She'd been doing it her whole life. It all came down the simple fact that Mikasa didn't like seeing him hurt like this. So finally moving feet to approach him quietly, she softly wrapped her arms around him. It wasn't really a romantic gesture as much as it was more of an comforting embrace stating that she wanted to him feel better.
But how do you feel better about things like this? How do you just... let it go without completely going numb. Clearly that wasn't a good way to go about it from past experience.
She didn't say much, but once she did, she spoke softly, "It's better this way."
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But he found comfort in her presence anyway, bringing up his hands to her arms. He didn't have to ask her to elaborate. He already knew what she meant.
"I made him cry." Nothing he did was better. He had just been hurting Marco this entire time. The thought still left him horrified, along with the possibility of any of them dying. All of that seemed like a distant issue right now, muddied by the aftermath of the intense emotions they had all been through. If they could lose Eren, that meant any of them could be next. He wasn't trying to be pessimistic, but they were the only thoughts he could focus on. Mikasa had her own reasons to be upset, and he vaguely thought maybe he wasn't being fair to her. He didn't even have to think, he knew he was being unfair. It didn't stop him from standing there and holding onto her like the last rope of his sanity.
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"Something like that is going to do it, but it's better for him to cry a little and then from there you guys can repair your friendship. I'm sure he knows how hard it was for you to tell him because you can be really transparent at times. It's easy to tell how you feel sometimes," she said pausing for a moment before going on, "I'm not really saying this as a bad thing, for the record. I just feel like... healing can finally start for both of you now."
She was trying not to think much about Eren leaving, personally. It was just easier not to talk about it. And yet she really doubted that would stop the subject from coming up anyways. She may be delaying the inevitable, but she would until she had to speak about it.
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He sighed, lifting her arms back over his shoulders to turn around and face her. He didn't give her a warning when he tried to hug her and bring her closer to him.
"I know what you're trying to do. But you can't heal yourself by focusing on trying to heal others." Maybe he was kind of sort of trying to do the same thing right now, but he meant it. Eren had been with her about a third of her life, maybe more. It had to have been devastating to have him gone.
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Mikasa didn't mind at all that he did so. In fact, she was going to hug him a bit tighter. They both probably needed hugs right now and she was comfortable in his arms. That was saying something compared to how she'd act towards others normally. With Armin busy with his girlfriend, she didn't want to give her the wrong idea about her and Armin and even if she insisted she was fine, not talking to Armin as much was weighing on her to some degree.
It was simple. She was lonely. She was happy for Armin that eh could see his girlfriend again, but without Eren and Armin distracted, that left Mikasa to her own devices; which wasn't the best idea lately. And with Jean dealing with his own drama and troubles much like her, she understood why he hadn't really been all that talkative. So it was times like this that she actually wanted the hugs and comfort. It had helped her loneliness a little and if she could cheer him up too or at least comfort him at the same time, well, that wasn't such a bad result right?
She remained silent for a moment while taking that in... She knew that... but that wasn't what she was trying to do right now. Or maybe it was and she just didn't realize it. She'd grown used to swallowing her own pain for someone else's needs, even if it was usually reserved for Eren or Armin. Jean was important to her now and so he sort of got the same treatment.
"I'm not saying this to heal myself... I'm doing this because I don't like to see you sad," she said faintly. After a slight sigh, "although, maybe I am subconsciously...? I don't know."
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It was easy to get sucked into his own pain and problems, and it was easy to push people away, because he had done that for a while to some degree. Now that they were hugging though, he found it simpler to accept the comfort and return it as much as he could.
"I didn't exactly mean that you were trying to heal yourself." Mikasa's hair was soft and it smelled like something very her. It was nice. He tightened his own hold around her a little, not enough to hurt. "But avoiding things, finding distractions, it's easier. I think it's human nature to run away from things. It takes more to run at what we see as a threat."
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She pulled away for a moment, just so she could take his hand and lead him over to the couch. It was more comfortable than standing and if nothing else, she could always cuddle close to him for comfort there too.
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He needed a change of pace from that fucking window, so he was happy (or if not happy, willing) to follow her there. He sat down, looped his arms around her, and tried pulling her closer to his side. Her presence was comforting.
Pretend that's really Jean there in the icon. >_>
"It's just weird... I'm not used to it. I'm so used to acting like everything is okay, when there's so much that's wrong. When that wall is taken from you, it's hard to really grasp how to act," she said with yet another side, but she didn't disagree with him by any means. She knew what he was saying and honestly agreed to it even if it was strange...
"Well, I'd like to say you're sort of a distraction to me, but sometimes it has the opposite results as I was looking for," part of that was playful and the other was serious, "I end up saying more than I thought I would sometimes rather than the other way around, but that's not a bad thing by any means."
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"It's surprisingly easy to be myself around you. Maybe I am transparent, but I don't like to let a lot of people in. If someone thinks I'm upset and I am, fuck them, that's their problem. So I guess it is kind of novel, but it's good too." He shut his eyes. "Usually, it's easier for us to stick to the habits we're used to, but maybe it's more rewarding not to."
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She went silent for a little while, content with just cuddling with him and holding his hands. She couldn't help but feel that something should be said, but silence wasn't always bad when it was comfortable. She was more-or-less glad that she wasn't nearly as lonely as she had felt before. His presence has helped a little, but all of the recent events still weighed heavy on her mind. By this point, she almost forgot that she was going to say something with thinking about what was on her mind. It was just as he had said. It was probably easy enough for him to tell there was something on her mind. But she had wanted to comfort him too, of course.
"I just hope... things get better for everyone soon," she finally said faintly.
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Hope wasn't something he was really good at. What kept him alive in battle also created a sort of tunnel vision when it came to focusing on the faults in things and what-ifs. But Mikasa was already in a bad state of mind--so was he, if he was being honest. He didn't want to bring her down even more. This place was too unpredictable, and he had no idea what might happen an hour from now, let alone in the long run.
"Things were more or less stable there for a while, weren't they? There's no reason to think they won't be again. At some point."
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They were both pretty good at being pessimistic sometimes. So honestly it was probably better this way. If anything reminded her of that, it was definitely Eren's departure..
"I'm sure they will again in time," she responded back lightly, "I guess all that's left is to make the best of the situation we're in."
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He shrugged against her, opening his eyes to look at her. "I've never been that good at doing that." It was hard to even consider doing so right now. He just wanted to hold onto her and stay with her for as long as he could.
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"Well, I'm sure it'll get easier, but just do what you can," she said. But maybe she should say something else. Something that was on her mind that didn't involve Eren directly. "Either way, I missed you," which really wasn't to say she hasn't seen him around. It was just giving him space for a while. She figured it still counted, though. She was okay with staying like this. She was okay with cuddling next to him.
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With Armin's girlfriend here and she didn't want to give off the wrong idea about the relationship between Armin and her, she'd been sort of keeping her distance while encouraging him to spend time with her. She had her other friends here and a boyfriend who was going through a lot of issues as well. She shouldn't have felt lonely, but she did during the time she was giving him distance.