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Entry tags:
action; closed
WHO: Emerald and Mercury
WHAT: A rough night, some troubling realizations, realizing the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree.
WHEN: Late night/early morning.
WHERE: UF Lounge + Living Space, Room 103
WARNINGS: Alcoholism, mentions of child abuse, mentions of parental murder, mentions of other abusive relationships, accidental abuse, violence, prooobably more but those are the main ones. This thread is full of triggers so you know, don't read it if that's an issue. Mercury and Emerald are incredibly screwed up people and they're going to be dealing with at least a little bit of it in this thread.
[ Emerald was exhausted. Usually she spent her days tricking stupid people into giving up their wallets. Today, she spent it doing a bounty, helping look for Battler's master, and generally being upset that her understanding of Battler had been.. different than she'd hoped. The cold weather certainly didn't help her feel better, since she'd never been great with the cold. When she'd finally given up for the day and crashed on the couch- her couch as she'd come to accept it, putting her at least a step above street rat because she had a couch and a roof over her heard- it wasn't five minutes later until she'd gotten a call.
She didn't have the right to complain about having to go to a bar to pick up Mercury. He'd gone to get her from the brats' house when she needed help. He gave her a place to stay, made sure that she wasn't going to end up starving on the streets. He was the one person who didn't treat her like she was the one who had killed all those people, that Vale was her fault. He may be playing good boy now, but he never decided to turn her over to get into anyone's favor when she had done so many things- obtained weapons and tools for Battler's murder spree, housed him before he found a new master, stole and even killed with no witnesses. He stayed by her side even after she clearly refused to give up on Cinder, even if he didn't understand. He had her back, she would have his.
This wouldn't have been the first time for her to come get him, though she doesn't even know that he remembers the others. The problem with living above the lounge was that it was so easy to access and going to fetch him didn't usually require long travels. She usually just got him upstairs and onto either the couch or the bed, depending on his ability to walk. This time was different. It was further from home, and he was barely coordinated enough to work his legs. It was bad, and she'd only barely made it up stairs with him. The last few stairs, and then.. ]
Watch your step.
[ She made sure to keep his one arm over her shoulders, with hers around his stomach to help him walk. It wasn't very efficient, given he was bigger than her, but it worked. She unlocked the door and pushed it open with a kick, waiting for him to take the first step over the door's threshold, her eyes trained on him. ]
WHAT: A rough night, some troubling realizations, realizing the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree.
WHEN: Late night/early morning.
WHERE: UF Lounge + Living Space, Room 103
WARNINGS: Alcoholism, mentions of child abuse, mentions of parental murder, mentions of other abusive relationships, accidental abuse, violence, prooobably more but those are the main ones. This thread is full of triggers so you know, don't read it if that's an issue. Mercury and Emerald are incredibly screwed up people and they're going to be dealing with at least a little bit of it in this thread.
[ Emerald was exhausted. Usually she spent her days tricking stupid people into giving up their wallets. Today, she spent it doing a bounty, helping look for Battler's master, and generally being upset that her understanding of Battler had been.. different than she'd hoped. The cold weather certainly didn't help her feel better, since she'd never been great with the cold. When she'd finally given up for the day and crashed on the couch- her couch as she'd come to accept it, putting her at least a step above street rat because she had a couch and a roof over her heard- it wasn't five minutes later until she'd gotten a call.
She didn't have the right to complain about having to go to a bar to pick up Mercury. He'd gone to get her from the brats' house when she needed help. He gave her a place to stay, made sure that she wasn't going to end up starving on the streets. He was the one person who didn't treat her like she was the one who had killed all those people, that Vale was her fault. He may be playing good boy now, but he never decided to turn her over to get into anyone's favor when she had done so many things- obtained weapons and tools for Battler's murder spree, housed him before he found a new master, stole and even killed with no witnesses. He stayed by her side even after she clearly refused to give up on Cinder, even if he didn't understand. He had her back, she would have his.
This wouldn't have been the first time for her to come get him, though she doesn't even know that he remembers the others. The problem with living above the lounge was that it was so easy to access and going to fetch him didn't usually require long travels. She usually just got him upstairs and onto either the couch or the bed, depending on his ability to walk. This time was different. It was further from home, and he was barely coordinated enough to work his legs. It was bad, and she'd only barely made it up stairs with him. The last few stairs, and then.. ]
Watch your step.
[ She made sure to keep his one arm over her shoulders, with hers around his stomach to help him walk. It wasn't very efficient, given he was bigger than her, but it worked. She unlocked the door and pushed it open with a kick, waiting for him to take the first step over the door's threshold, her eyes trained on him. ]
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Playing along with the rules is the smart thing to do, he knows it - doubly so after receiving that pardon out of the blue, the one and only second chance he would probably ever have handed to him - but it doesn't mesh well with his way of doing things. He'd fought so hard to free himself from the chains that bound him for most of his life, to be able to stand on his own two feet (metaphorically, at least) and walk his own path, to do what he wanted and spit in the face of anyone who tried to stop him.
Following Cinder had given him that power. Here, there was none. The forces of "good" were oppressively present. He had to walk in line with their ideals, and good god was it boring. There was no thrill in their idea of entertainment, no genuine spark of danger to keep his blood boiling, and day after day he found himself wondering how long he could live this way.
He needed distractions, and there was one he was all too familiar with.
When your father's an alcoholic piece of shit, you go through two phases of dealing with it. The first, which he stayed with for a long time, was "I'll never drink". For a long time he couldn't stand the smell of the stuff, didn't even want a sip of it crossing his lips... but over time, there's a dangerous shift to "I'll never drink like that". Surely, he could handle it. He had proven ultimately that he was stronger than his old man... surely, knowing that, he would be strong enough never go too far with his drinking habit.
Emerald knew well enough he had gone too far a couple times already. Generally speaking he was too out of it to really object or struggle when she got him, and most times he didn't mind. His mind usually found its way to a happier place once he was sufficiently wasted, finding amusement in littler things, probably slurring some vulgar things at his partner with a grin that he wouldn't remember the next day. Gross, but mostly a self-contained danger.
Tonight was different. Tonight his frustrations were piled higher than usual, and he hadn't stopped even when the first bartender wisely cut him off - first, because he had made a couple stops that night to try and get himself to that place in his head where he didn't care enough to be angry. It wasn't happening. Tonight he was just getting more and more fed up, and even when Emerald came to help him it took some doing to get him to cooperate. He'd nearly knocked over a few patrons on the way out, almost started a bar-wide brawl, but through some miracle of Emerald's insistence she managed to get him out the door and back to their "home". He'd been bitter the whole walk, cursing under his breath at anyone and anything he could think of, and more than once Emerald had to keep a tight grip on him so he wouldn't swerve into someone else's path to get in their face. He was in a bad way right now.
Now, at the door to their own apartment, he lifts one hand to steady himself against the doorframe, shooting her a scowl as she warns him. ]
No shit.
[ Clever rebuttals were in low supply right now, but he didn't seem to notice or care about his lack of creativity. He just took a deep breath as he tried to step inside, a little too fast as if trying to walk out of her reach so she'd stop helping him (he wasn't weak, he didn't need it), but almost immediately his balance begins to falter as he swerves dangerously to one side. ]
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She'd never met Marcus- not while he was alive anyway- but Mercury had shared plenty with her and Cinder about him. Knowing where Mercury had come from made her subconsciously informed that she wasn't in the greatest situation right now, but he had never done anything to her. He'd be an asshole, but Emerald still felt safe around him even if she was sure she was the only one who could hold that position right now.
It didn't mean he wasn't pissing her off, of course. She watched as he stumbled forward. Emerald made an annoyed noise in her throat and went to grab him again. ]
I can leave you on the floor if you want to keep fighting me, Mercury. If you want to walk on your own, stop drinking as much.
[ She moved to start trying to arrange him again. It wasn't far to the couch, then she could set him down and tell him to shut up and go figure out where she was going to sleep. This wasn't going to be a night where she could get him to his own bed, she was sure. ]
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Like you're... like you're one to talk about walking on your own.
[ It's hard to really gleam his meaning, both because it's a bit obtuse and because he's slurring something fierce by this point in the night, but... well, Emerald may have grown up surviving on her own, but she's leaned on Cinder and now him to help her out. It's not a debt he actually feels she owes him for, but in this addled state he's more interested in lashing back at anything he can.
Speaking of which.
She doesn't catch him quite fast enough - he still stumbles into a floor lamp they keep near the entrance, knocking his head into it and sending it crashing to the ground, the bulb shattering against the hard floor. Ordinarily, it's easy to shrug off. It didn't really hurt that much, the bulb is easy to replace, whatever.
But not right now, not in this mood. That lamp may as well have gone out of its way to punch him in the face, the glass may as well have embedded itself in his skin, the sound of it breaking may as well have been screamed right in his ear, because it just nudges him over the edge for a brief moment. ]
Stupid piece of--!
[ His body whips around, one arm swinging wild with the intent of slamming a fist against the wall. Maybe putting a hole in it. Whatever.
He forgets, briefly, that Emerald is there.
Or maybe he forgets, briefly, that he cares. ]
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Then the lamp crashes, and Emerald tenses. She shouldn't have let him go in the first place. She doesn't have time to think about it though. The wall of the apartment shakes as Emerald's slammed into it, her nose breaking with a crunch. She hadn't been prepared to need to use her aura at all, because Mercury wasn't his father. He wasn't Cinder. The back of Emerald's head hurt too, and there was certainly a hole in the wall but it wasn't from Mercury's fist.
Emerald dropped down to her knees as soon as the impact was over. Her eyes welled up with tears and she was holding her face, but her aura quickly caught up to fix the damage. It didn't get rid of the blood coming from her nostrils, and neither did the wipe she attempted, which only served to smear it. She shouldn't have let him go in the first place, she should've just listened to him and let him do what he wanted.
Don't think, obey.
This was her fault for not just following what he said. Cinder had taught her that so long ago, and it'd been so long since she'd needed a lesson that she had almost forgotten. If she was going to follow Mercury around like she had Cinder, there was no reason she should've thought differently. Of course it'd be the same, it's in his blood.
Instead of getting angry or even like she might've in a fight, she looked up at Mercury like she was checking if she was going to get hit again before slowly standing up and averting her eyes. ]
...Sorry. I'll clean it up.
[ She still needed to get him to the couch, but she wasn't sure if she should approach again. He hadn't wanted her to, so Emerald goes over to grab the little bin before going to pick up the shards of glass from the lamp. ]
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Then his eyes catch his reflection.
Across the apartment, the bathroom door hangs open, giving him a line of sight to the mirror just above the sink. It's dark, only illuminated by streaks of moonlight peeking in through the windows, but he can make out the silhouettes.
A figure, small, crumpled, clutching itself. Afraid.
A figure, large, looming, angry. A raised fist. A monster.
For the first time in years, Mercury sees his father, and he's right there in the mirror.
It's a dawning realization, Emerald's apology becoming white noise as he stares slack-jawed at that mirror, staggering towards the room, grabbing walls and furniture in passing to keep him upright. No. No, no, no, no, no. That's not... He didn't mean to... he isn't...
He grabs the sink by its edges, bends forward, and heaves, sick to his stomach for reasons far beyond a drink too many. ]
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She hadn't thought this was her place with Mercury, but it was. The thought was cemented as she heard him moving behind her, not to help her up begrudgingly- a way of apologizing without saying the words, or to even acknowledge that he'd hit her. She could hear him moving away from her, and that told her she was right. This was her place with him just like it had been with Cinder. They weren't friends, they weren't equals. They were a guy who had somehow managed to get his shit together despite that he was supposed to be as screwed up as she was, if for different reasons, and a filthy street rat who could barely survive on her own. He didn't need her, even if she was acting like she was taking care of him. But she needed him.
Her breath caught in her throat as she got the final piece off the ground. The rest would have to be vacuumed up, but she wasn't too worried about it. It wasn't like Mercury was going to get it caught in his foot if she left it out, and she knew where it was. She wasn't too drunk to tell. Emerald picked the floor lamp up and pushed it to its normal position, messing with it a little to make sure it stayed upright. She could hear him vomiting in the other room. She knew he'd drank too much and it wasn't uncommon for it to come up like that eventually. She couldn't go into the bathroom to clean up until he was done, so the blood smear was just going to dry on her face while she waited.
She didn't try to help him this time. Emerald wasn't going to do anything he didn't want her to, but she'd at least offer herself up if he did need her. She moved cautiously to the door frame, her arms crossed. She waited for the noise to die down a little before speaking up, even if her voice clearly lacked the usual fire it had around Mercury. It was practically submissive. ]
Do you need anything?
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When Marcus Black died at his hands, when his home burned to the ground behind him as he stumbled away, Mercury thought that was it. His past died that night. Everything from then on would be about him, about his own future, about never looking back. But now the stench of cheap rum is invasive, and he can smell his father in every choked breath. The blood on his knuckles may as well be his own, and as he looks up into the mirror he sees something in his eyes that he hasn't seen in years.
Fear.
He sees himself at seven years old, crying (back when he still knew how), wondering why his father hated him. At age ten, the door locked behind him as the old man's fists slammed against it, trying to break in, as Mercury wondered if he'd die tonight. At age thirteen, when he was out of tears to shed, wondering whether dying would be the better outcome. Age fourteen, when sorrow succumbed to rage. Fifteen, when he swore he'd never become the man who had forged him.
Now, at age twenty-one, he's not sure who he's looking at. For all his determination to become what his father wasn't, his path in life had led him to the same place.
Was this always who he was going to become?
When she speaks it snaps him out of his daze, and he spins to face her. He can't look away from the blood on her face, blinking as if stupefied as his drink-addled brain tries to sort itself out. ]
I... no. I'm good.
[ He's not. He's so not He isn't even sure what to say right now, how to go about fixing this. He doesn't even know if this is fixable at all.
It doesn't even occur to him to start with an apology, even if this is the one and only time he'd actually mean it. ]
... Taking the couch. Sleep on the bed.
[ Wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand, he tries to move around her to stagger back to the living area. He needed to not be awake right now. ]
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She was going to clean herself off as soon as she was sure that he was settled, but the blood on his hands was going to either dry or stain the couch if he didn't clean it off. Cinder had always said that strong people, people who could stand on their own, didn't need to tell others about every little hardship. If she wanted to stand by her, if she wanted to survive, she just needed to fall in line and not complain. Pleasing Cinder meant not bringing anyone to question anything she did, and Cinder was doing it for her own good. For the most part, to Emerald, that theory had been proved right. She wasn't starving anymore, she wasn't going to get mugged if she fell asleep- or worse, she had a roof over her head, clean water... She stopped feeling hesitation and fear, she stopped worrying about whether what she was doing was right or wrong for a long time. Life was so much easier once she'd gotten used to it, right up until those feelings came back at the fall of Beacon, and then she'd had to shove any guilt deep down until she couldn't feel it anymore just so she could stay with the only people she trusted: Cinder and Mercury.
This was the price she had to pay to get even close to a life that wasn't filled with pain- the kind of life everyone else just got, by default. It's why she couldn't stand anyone, because everything she had she got by sacrificing everything she had to give to Cinder, and they just got it for free. But life was far better than it had been. It was even better now that she didn't need to work for Mercury, if boring, if tedious, if she had to be told by everyone who recognized her that she was the worst except for Mercury, and the only person people seemed to think of worse than her, Battler. Maybe Grell, but Grell seemed more along the lines of someone they would've easily worked with back home anyway.
So even if it was going to get her hurt for disobeying, she was going to try to protect the one good thing she had.
Emerald went to go fetch a wet cloth. She'd wait until he was asleep to come back in and clean his hand off. As long as she was careful, he wouldn't wake up. She wouldn't have to worry about anyone seeing his hand if he opened the door for a package or a neighbor or who knows who in a hungover stupor later. She wouldn't have to worry about this little space where she felt- ha- safe, as long as she did as she was told. ]
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It didn't help his mood, that's for goddamn sure.
He didn't know what to do. Not entirely, at least. He wanted to stop drinking outright after last night's events, and maybe he had the willpower to do that, but was that anywhere near enough? How deep did this problem go? He thought he'd escaped his father, but was that ever really true? Had the old bastard influenced him too much?
And if that was true, how much did he want to change? Who would he become then?
He was weary by the time he made it back to the apartment that night, though he'd done nothing that was very taxing physically. He hadn't even worked today - it was his day off. But when you have no peace of mind, everything is a chore. He's not sure where Emerald is at this point, if she's still in the apartment or if she's gone away for the day herself. He hadn't made any attempt to reach out to her.
A part of him hopes, as he unlocks the front door, that he won't find her there. All day, and he still has no idea what he can say to her. ]
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Every once in a while when she thought no one was looking she'd kick a trashcan over or mindlessly cut up a tree or a rock or anything she wouldn't get arrested for destroying, but for the most part she had spent the day freezing her ass off to try to find Terra in the middle of a blizzard. Even with the jackets she had, it didn't make a magically-induced ice storm any more comfortable.
She was angry, angrier than usual because she'd thought, for once, even if it was boring she finally could've had the life that other people just had without paying for the apparent crime of being born. She was angry because she'd thought she knew Mercury better than she did. She was angry because the person she was supposed to be able to go home and talk to about all the things she was pissed off about was the one person she knew she shouldn't. It was still her fault for not recognizing what last night was before it happened. Everything was still screwed up enough that coming "home" was still the better alternative to every other option.
Emerald actually gets home about a minute or two after Mercury does, coming in as if nothing had happened with a bag of takeout. His favorite, paid for with some of the money she got from the bounty she'd done on Everglade's mayor. She puts things down on the sink and looks back at him. She's a much better actress than he is, and it's hard to tell that anything happened at all. ]
What do you want to drink? I got cola and orange.
[ She took the little boxes out of the bag and set them out on the sink, then quickly ran over to turn the thermostat up, though he might notice that she glances back at him to see his expression changes at all- anything to indicate she shouldn't be touching it. ]
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Nothing.
She's moving about like he hadn't slammed a fist into her nose less than twenty-four hours ago, like the crater in the wall wasn't still there. Like nothing had changed. Business as usual. Cola or orange? ]
... Cola's fine.
[ His tone is a bit subdued, wariness subtly invading his features as he props himself to sit a bit more upright. Was this some game? Did she mess with the food? Normally he wouldn't put a harmless prank past her, but he'd never struck her before. Come to think of it... his memory's fuzzy, but not absent. She hadn't even been angry when he did.
How? Why?
Rubbing his forehead with the palm of his hand he finally sits properly on the couch, stretching his back as he looks her way. ]
... You feeling okay?
[ What a shitty question to ask when he was the one that may have caused her real discomfort. ]
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I'll be great once it warms up in here. Were you just standing around trying to act manly by not admitting it's freezing?
[ Safe teasing. She's trying to feel out if she's still allowed to joke around him or not. It's obvious she's not going to acknowledge what happened if she doesn't have to. She just needs to find the line. ]
I did a bounty yesterday. It was level 4, so that should help for a while.
[ He told her to stay out of trouble, she did. He doesn't need to know that the bounty only existed because of her actions. Emerald went to grab the drinks and the food, passing him the cola. She hadn't been planning to really mention the bounty, but he needed to know she was trying. She'd thought about what he'd meant, about her being one to talk about standing on her own feet. The words had almost been knocked out of her head, but they came back eventually. She wasn't doing enough, she needed to prove she was useful. ]
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The cold never bothered me, anyway.
[ He starts to rise to his feet, to approach the takeout she had brought home, but his eyes briefly dart towards the bathroom. The open door. The mirror.
He's still not sure who's in the reflection.
But whoever it is, the words tumble out before he can stop them. ]
Why aren't you pissed?
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[ Despite that, she clearly doesn't want to talk about it, but he won't drop it so she almost shoves food at him, though stops about halfway and offers it more calmly. Does he want her to apologize for depending on him? She wouldn't mean it if she did.
Emerald put the food she had for herself down, taking a sip of the orange soda and looking at him almost meekly. The way she looks at Cinder sometimes when she's waiting to see what she says first. ]
There's no reason to be upset. It's not like you did it for no reason. I'll be better.
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[ He's never thought of himself as a master of anyone but himself, and especially not her. The idea that he could actually boss her around and tell her what to do is beyond laughable - he's learned that well enough over the time they spent together, that they were two individuals who worked side by side. Partners.
So what the hell was this, now? Where did that look in her eye come from? ]
I don't... [ He squeezes his eyes shut, pinching at the bridge of his nose, trying to get his thoughts in order. ] Since when did you obey me?
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That's what you want from me, isn't it?
[ It wasn't his fault that she was getting frustrated. It was jarring that he seemed surprised, that he seemed to not be sure that was where the line was because the line was all there was that told what would or wouldn't get her hit. That's not how you treat a partner, and given how much she'd been acting dependent on him, how he'd even pointed it out, how lost she'd been without Cinder, how he kept telling her to give up on Cinder, treating her like she was less than because she wouldn't... He hadn't treated her like a partner so much as a nuisance or his charge in some time. It just took a hole in the wall for her to get it. ]
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Why did it seem like she was unsurprised?
He's silent as he thinks further on it. He's not an idiot. He has to be able to figure this out, connect some sort of dots. She'd only offered obedience to one other person, ever, and that was Cinder.
...
Cinder?
He blinks once, eyes narrowing suspiciously. ]
Why are you accepting this so quickly?
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Emerald turned to go to the bathroom. If he let her get there, she'd shut the door and just.. not come out until she could figure out what she was planning on doing after she hid in there for a bit. ]
I don't know, just make up your mind.
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She had no reason to raise a hand against either of them.
But Emerald's behavior is telling. It's familiar. It's how he'd been, for a while, before the anger overwhelmed him.
He doesn't stop her, though - he considers it, almost moves to try, but given what had just happened one night prior he doesn't feel like he can trust himself with dealing with her physically. Not now. ]
You learned it from her, didn't you?
[ Emerald wants him nowhere near this line of questioning.
But if there's one single thing Mercury Black is known for, it's being exactly what other people don't want. ]
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So when he asked her that question through the close door, she sat down on the sink, her back to the mirror, staring at the door but not answering for some time. ]
Everything I have, I have because of her. Even now, even you.
[ If he wanted to know, he would've noticed long ago. ]
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If it was any other day, if the events of last night weren't so freshly branded on his memory, he'd break something. He'd destroy something. He had his frustrations with Cinder, had his reasons for giving up on her here in Genessia, but that didn't mean there wasn't any respect for her left in his body. That there wasn't a part of him that still appreciated her - liked her, almost.
And now, this. Now he learned that she wasn't anywhere near as impressive as he'd thought - she was just so much better at hiding her flaws than he imagined. It makes sense, though, and that's what angers him. Cinder was clever, frighteningly so - she must have known not to be too hard on Mercury, whose entire upbringing was one painful lesson in discipline after another. Emerald... she had never been forced to be second to anyone else before. She must have had to learn her place the hard way.
At Cinder's hand. By Cinder's hand.
He's seething. ]
Open the door.
[ He can't let himself become her, either. ]
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Mercury, it's okay. She's not like him. She just wanted to teach me how to be by her side, so I could have all of this. Don't be mad at her, it's my fault I wasn't a better learner. You wouldn't be here now if she hadn't taught me, so just leave it.
[ Her voice sounds like it's cracking a little. Just the tiniest bit desperate. She doesn't want Mercury to hate Cinder, because if he hates Cinder, then what happens if Cinder comes here? What happens if this little group she has falls apart, and it's because she couldn't keep herself together? It almost sounds like she's begging him to just forget it. ]
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[ A deep breath as he grabs his face, turning to pace the floor for a few moments. Hell, he can only pace at all because of their former boss, every footstep a reminder, and it just makes him angrier to know he owes her so much.
... This isn't just about Cinder, though. That's an issue he doesn't want to forget about, no, but more than anything this is about him, this is about his father, this is about Emerald. This is about fixing things, for once. ]
Just open the door.
[ There aren't many ways he can think of to do that. ]
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[ That was the real question of the hour. If she didn't come out of the bathroom, what was he going to do? He wasn't drunk right now, whatever choice he made here, if Emerald pissed him off.. wouldn't that show her who he really was? If that line even existed or if it was only when he was drinking that it became a problem? (Could she bring herself to ignore it if it was just when he drank?) ]
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and he sits backward on it with a huff of breath.
He'll wait, is the answer to her question. ]
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But if he can, she'll open the door silently and just stare at him, expecting him to speak first. ]
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He lifts his head a bit as the door opens, and it isn't long before he speaks, bluntly. ]
Hit me.
[ Equivalent exchange. Eye for an eye. That's the only way to achieve equilibrium, right? ]
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This is stupid, and you're an asshole.
[ She doesn't want to hit him. She's angry, but hitting him is just.. normal. She doesn't hit him hard, she just punches him in the arm. He's physically so much stronger than she is, that's why they make such good partners. They make up for each others' flaws. Her hitting him wouldn't make anything even. ]
I'd never killed anyone before I met you, and I was so scared of you after seeing you kill your father that that was the first time she hit me, so that I would accept you. [ How's that for a hit, Mercury? You wanted to be even. ]
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[ He's not even sure how to feel about that. Angry, obviously. Frustrated, sure. But what Emerald said before, about how this... thing they have wouldn't be possible without Cinder, begins to make sense. He knew Emerald didn't trust or even like him when they first met, and it had taken some time to build that bridge between them, but...
He never thought Cinder helped hammer it together. Not like that. And hearing it this way, it almost makes him wonder if she ever would have hit her if he wasn't in the picture.
Logically he knew it wasn't his fault. But the thought lingers annoyingly in the back of his head. ]
I can't fucking believe this.
[ he can, of course, but he doesn't want to. ]
The first time? How often did this happen?
[ how did he never know? ]
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[ She walks a little closer to him, though it's clear she's still keeping arm's length. She's angry, frustrated, everything that she hadn't let herself be the past 24 hours when she thought that she knew what was going on even if she didn't expect it to have. But her survival instincts are telling her to just figure out one thing, because in her head, it's still her fault. Nothing he's said has indicated otherwise. ]
I don't want you making it a problem. What I want is for you to just tell me how I don't get hit again by you.
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Yeah, well, that makes two of us.
[ If he couldn't trust himself around her, the only person who deep down he actually considered a friend - and as stupid as it was, yes, he did consider her that - then what did that make him? He already knew the answer. He couldn't let it stay that way. ]
I-- things have to change. I don't know what, exactly, but...
[ It's rare, to see him this off-kilter, but he's never taken a hard look at himself like he has over the past day. He's seen more familiar traits than he cares to admit.
He can't even look her in the eye as he speaks again, fingers curling tight. ]
You didn't deserve that. I fucked up, Em.
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You could stop drinking so much. The bartender downstairs has my phone number for emergencies. It may not be every day but I don't like being around you when you're like that.
[ She's not sure if she should've said that, but if they're trying to be honest right now, if he's looking for things to change, that'd be the one thing she knows. Everything else.. Emerald wouldn't know what to tell him. ]
...If you don't think I deserved that, though, what did you mean? When you said I was "one to talk about walking on my own." Because it sure sounded like you thought I did.
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The cost wasn't worth it. ]
I'm just... going to stop. Completely. At least until I've got my shit together again.
[ ... a vague goal if ever there was one.
Her question makes him furrow his brow - did he say that? He remembers most of what happened, but admittedly the very last moments were the most vivid. It... sounds familiar, at least somewhat, but he ends up shaking his head. ]
I don't know. I was wasted, Em. You really think I know what I was talking about?
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[ She doesn't sound like she buys that story for a second. "until I've got my shit together" just means that even if he figures it out, it'll just happen again later. And just going cold turkey.. ha. If every street urchin she's met with an alcohol problem hadn't said they were going to stop drinking and get their shit together, she might be a little more optimistic. ]
It seemed a little more pointed than your usual rambling about what you wanted to do to me and I don't usually get hit after those.
[ Sometimes he says pretty vulgar things while he's dragging him home but again, usually harmless. Though now that control seems to be going out of the window she's not incredibly optimistic it'll stay that way. Even if he said she didn't deserve it, it didn't change that he still took away her ability to consider him safe to her. ]
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[ ... it's a little snappy, but at least it's something familiar. Bickering. The usual.
He just shakes his head at her explanation, running his fingers through his hair with a sigh. It's hard to argue for or against a point he doesn't even entirely remember making. He's not even sure why he swung his fist in the first place. On the surface he just thought it was because he was angry at the lamp, but...
He remembers how he felt immediately after, and that wasn't a place he wanted to be with Emerald. ]
Whatever it was, just... forget it. I'm sure it was all on me. As long as I don't get shitfaced like that, it won't happen again.
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I've heard every drunk on ever street corner talk about how they're going to get their life together and stop drinking. Guess how many of them have? I don't think it's as easy as saying "I quit, don't worry about it."
[ She has no idea how to have a positive outlook on things, Mercury. That's probably going to have to be something she has to learn since she's basically the only support system he has as far as she knows. Getting support from Emerald is like leaning on an old shitty bridge with rusted bolts. ]
Okay. Not saying that you won't perform a miracle, but what am I supposed to do if you get like that again? I know you're not stupid enough to think you make it back to the apartment all on your own. [ And her interpretation of this is 'you have little to no control over whether or not I hit you when I'm drunk so let's just hope it doesn't happen again.' It's a lot more unnerving than thinking there's something she can do. When it's her fault, it's in her control. If it's Mercury's, that's just.. well, she's getting an idea of how terrifying it must've been for Mercury with his father, even if she's got nowhere near the experience. Just this one time is making her feel unsafe. ]
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[ He just doesn't set a lot of goals for himself because he usually doesn't give a shit - but when he does, they matter. He just has to tackle this with the same determination.
And hope it sticks. ]
Leave me there. If something happens to me, that's my fault. Let it. [ A beat. He wants to ask her for help. To ask her to encourage him. Remind him not to drink, tell him he doesn't have to. He can't bring himself to admit that her not believing in him is a sharper pain than he'd like to bear. But... he can't. It's just not in him. ]
But it won't happen. I can't... [ become him again ] It just won't happen. I mean it.
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And yet. ]
I'm not leaving you, so... Look me in the eyes and promise me it won't happen again.
[ She knows this is a bad idea. He seems to really want her to believe that he's not going to let it happen again. She knows she's probably right, that it will, but if there's one person who could get her to agree to try something, it's Mercury. She's just not sure what's going to happen when he breaks that promise. ]
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He hadn't fucked this entirely just yet.
So he'll look her hard in the eyes, taking in a deep breath to heave it out. ]
It's a promise. Never.
[ ... ]
You're sure you don't want to hit me.
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Feel better?
[ It's easier than anything else that she could've said. She didn't want to hit him for what happened, but a general punch to the arm, just like she did when she had a headache or he was being especially gross- that was more normal. That was easier to deal with than admitting that she really wanted to believe him. That she was going to try to believe in someone other than Cinder for the first time in her life and that it would probably destroy her if he broke that promise. It might finally push her over that edge where she stops feeling that nagging little regret or guilt at the things she does if the only person left she gives a damn about takes an axe to the limb she's going out on. Especially given that what's riding on it is whether or not she's going to get hit in a far less playful way by that same person.
So Emerald gives him a little smirk to show she's okay, that they're okay. And she's going to let herself hope that they really will be. ]