Amberdrake k'Leshya (
amberdrake) wrote in
genessia2016-08-09 08:53 pm
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[action | closed] and I don’t want the world to see me, 'cause I don’t think that they’d understand
Who: Sanzo and Amberdrake
What: Drake has a nightmare
Where: Hotel room
When: Early-mid August
Warnings: ANGST, character (dreamed) corpse
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They -- faceless, forgettable -- led him to the site where it had happened. The area was torn apart, and in the middle of it was a still figure in blood-drenched white robes. Amberdrake tore away from the forgettable 'they', rushing to the body, falling to his knees in the mud beside it and scooping up Sanzo's muddied head and shoulders into a desperate embrace. A heart-wrenching sob ripped free of him, feeling like it tore through his throat on the way out with sharp barbs and hooks.
One pale hand was still around the gun, in the mud. The sutra, a flash of green, was still on the body's shoulders. Drake didn't care; he ignored the weapons completely, even the dreaded sutra now being pressed between the living and the dead in that embrace.
"I'm... I'm so sorry enar ves'tacha," Amberdrake cried, rocking the body, "I'm so sorry. I couldn't be there, I couldn't comfort you. I'm so sorry."
What: Drake has a nightmare
Where: Hotel room
When: Early-mid August
Warnings: ANGST, character (dreamed) corpse
- - - - -
They -- faceless, forgettable -- led him to the site where it had happened. The area was torn apart, and in the middle of it was a still figure in blood-drenched white robes. Amberdrake tore away from the forgettable 'they', rushing to the body, falling to his knees in the mud beside it and scooping up Sanzo's muddied head and shoulders into a desperate embrace. A heart-wrenching sob ripped free of him, feeling like it tore through his throat on the way out with sharp barbs and hooks.
One pale hand was still around the gun, in the mud. The sutra, a flash of green, was still on the body's shoulders. Drake didn't care; he ignored the weapons completely, even the dreaded sutra now being pressed between the living and the dead in that embrace.
"I'm... I'm so sorry enar ves'tacha," Amberdrake cried, rocking the body, "I'm so sorry. I couldn't be there, I couldn't comfort you. I'm so sorry."
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Seeing his own corpse was surprising but that alone wasn't why he was locked in place, staring at Drake. Sanzo had cheated death far too many times and come out of it looking no better than the corpse. The high risk of death was something he'd accepted a long time ago, so no, the body wasn't the problem. Watching Amberdrake sob over his corpse was the punch in the gut, on top of being so surreal to watch.
He should fix this, say something to disrupt the nightmare, but he stared instead. It felt like he'd forgotten how to breathe.
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Dreams were strange things; dreams projected between two Empaths were even weirder. Memory briefly overlapped the dream, playing out in between Drake's painful, wracking sobs.
"This is too much!" he sobbed bitterly, as whoever was holding him rocked him a little, like a child. "Waiting here, waiting to see who comes back in pieces--who doesn’t come back at all. Not being there when they're hurt and dying."
"We know," Tamsin murmured, a world of sorrow in his own voice. "We know."
"But you don’t know the rest of it--rewarding the ones who survive, when inside I cry for the ones who didn't."
There was nothing they could say to that.
"I'm sick of detaching myself!" he burst out, in another flood of tears. "They come to me to forget their pain, but when am I allowed to mourn?"
It was gone as fast as it had come, leaving Drake gasping out desperate, sad words in Kaled'a'in into the corpse's golden hair. The Healer was barely even coherent.
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He found himself behind Drake before he'd fully decided if he was going to help or turn tail and escape.
"Drake." His voice was even, to his fleeting relief. He wasn't sure how long it would stay like that, he wanted to end this quickly.
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He'd have to take care of the corpse, he'd have to... there was no one else to do it, was there? No Hakkai here, no Gojyo or Goku. Drake was all he'd had and he hadn't been there in his final moments!
"I'm so sorry, Genjyo..." he whispered again, and that sparked a fresh torrent of painful sobbing.
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Careful not to touch the bloodied version of himself, he shifted to Drake's side, reached down, and jerked his shoulder sharply. Look up, look up!
"Drake, look at me!" Sanzo spoke with more force this time, unsure if he could pull Drake out of this at all. Look up damnit!
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How?
The Healer peeled one shaking hand away from the body he still held close, and reached up toward the living Sanzo beside him. Surely, he was hallucinating. Surely, he'd gone mad with grief...
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There was too much bite to his words, he knew it but he was too busy not dwelling on how this all made him feel to control his tone. He couldn't afford to get too locked up by the nightmare he had to pull Drake out of. Fuck, being a jackass would be more convincing!
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But the body held in one arm against his shoulder felt so real, too.
"I wasn't there," tears were threatening to start again; Drake's eyes were far too damp, "I'm never there. Not when it matters most."
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It wasn't his first time doing this.
"If you're real," Drake finally said, and lifted his hand again, "take my hand."
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He looked back, reluctantly, when Drake spoke. There was no pause to take his hand, he hadn't expected it to be this easy to prove himself. How many times...?
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Both the body beside them and the dream itself faded, and Drake woke with his face in much the same place it had been in the dream. "I'm so glad you're okay," he whispered. Normally, he'd show far more restraint, but relief warred with lingering sorrow and he found himself hugging Sanzo just as hard in real life, too.
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But he couldn't leave now, not right now, not unless he wanted to cause more damage than he had tried to prevent to start with.
"I'm fine," he said, lamely, feeling all the duller for stating the obvious. He couldn't bring himself to do much more. He didn't move the arm that had found its way over Drake at some point but that was about it.
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He finally relaxed his death-grip on the other man's ribcage enough to allow for normal breathing, but didn't let go completely. "I'm sorry you had to see that."
It would be easy to assume he just meant the corpse. Drake would let Sanzo assume that if he needed to; Amberdrake was forever the kestra'chern.
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"If it bothers you what I see, you know I don't have to." Sanzo would never accept this dream sharing bullshit if it was only one sided!
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"I don't care about apologies for things that don't warrant it. I want to know if anything was actually accomplished?" 'Did I help?' was too open for him to ask. That he cared would be obvious but he couldn't state it so clearly.
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"Last time I had that dream," Amberdrake decided to elaborate, "it was Skan they led me to. I'll probably have these my whole life, after all that war. Always waiting to see who came back... and who didn't. I often caught myself wishing I could go out and fight, too, so that it wasn't just... waiting. Powerless waiting..."
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"So the best we can hope for is I show up to knock some sense into you for these damned nightmares." He was frustrated he couldn't do more, frustrated at a lot of thoughts and feelings running through his mind. What would happen if he did give in and leave Drake to that nightmare like he'd been tempted to? The guilt just the idea brought him wouldn't let him. He hoped.
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"...What would you want done, if it happened?" Drake asked; he couldn't help but to ask. "I know you're tougher than nails, but... if."
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"The sutra would still need protection, that's not saying anything new." The thought he could die here and the sutra remain away from his own world was disturbing. Yet, for a brief moment, the idea of denying those assholes one of the last pieces they needed for their fucked up game was terribly satisfying. That wouldn't be his luck though, living or dead.
"Do what you want, that's as much as I care about it." If he died, he failed. Thinking about his death only distracted from staying alive.
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Guarding items, Drake was not suited for. Guarding secrets, however...
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"Right." Sanzo didn't ask for details. He didn't want to know and he especially didn't want to think about what he would have to do if Drake was killed. "Nothing's tried to kill me here yet and I doubt anything will. No one gives a crap about taking shots at me unless they want the sutra."
Sanzo had been trying not to give anyone a reason, for the sutra or otherwise. He didn't need that trouble again and any such attention he attracted would turn onto Drake by association. At some point his hand had gone from lax where it rested against Drake's back to gripping his shirt, possessive almost. Sanzo was faced with the internal debate if he should pretend he hadn't noticed he'd done so or pull away now and try to preserve some of his dignity.
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He didn't comment on or outwardly react to the grip on the back of his shirt, just settling his arm back into place once he was done de-gunking his eyes. "I'm the k'Leshya Clan chief," he decided to finally tell Sanzo, "and thus also the 'king' of White Gryphon, since we adopted everyone there into k'Leshya, too. But here, I'm just some random 'therapist'."
The word really didn't do the job of kestra'chern much justice.
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"You don't take a break from worrying yourself sick over everyone else's lives." How Drake could deal with that he had no idea. "You don't even settle for being a 'random therapist' with all that you do."
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