genessia | [action | closed] and I don’t want the world to see me, 'cause I don’t think that they’d understand

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[action | closed] and I don’t want the world to see me, 'cause I don’t think that they’d understand

Who: Sanzo and Amberdrake
What: Drake has a nightmare
Where: Hotel room
When: Early-mid August
Warnings: ANGST, character (dreamed) corpse

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They -- faceless, forgettable -- led him to the site where it had happened. The area was torn apart, and in the middle of it was a still figure in blood-drenched white robes. Amberdrake tore away from the forgettable 'they', rushing to the body, falling to his knees in the mud beside it and scooping up Sanzo's muddied head and shoulders into a desperate embrace. A heart-wrenching sob ripped free of him, feeling like it tore through his throat on the way out with sharp barbs and hooks.

One pale hand was still around the gun, in the mud. The sutra, a flash of green, was still on the body's shoulders. Drake didn't care; he ignored the weapons completely, even the dreaded sutra now being pressed between the living and the dead in that embrace.

"I'm... I'm so sorry enar ves'tacha," Amberdrake cried, rocking the body, "I'm so sorry. I couldn't be there, I couldn't comfort you. I'm so sorry."

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"I'm alive, there was nothing to be there for." Sanzo was so tired on top of everything else clawing for the forefront of his mind. Could he risk trying to get Drake away from the body? How was he supposed to prove his existence other than by continuing to be there? And what was he supposed to say to that?

Amberdrake let go of Sanzo's robes so that he could shrug out of his own, laying it out on the mud under the body's lifted half. He eased it down onto the decorated cloth, and draped one wing-cut sleeve over that lax face.

It wasn't his first time doing this.

"If you're real," Drake finally said, and lifted his hand again, "take my hand."

Sanzo looked away while the corpse was moved, it was too surreal. It looked too real, when everyone else in the dream aside from himself and Drake barely existed at all. He didn't want to think about how many times Drake had pictured this scene for it to be this clear.

He looked back, reluctantly, when Drake spoke. There was no pause to take his hand, he hadn't expected it to be this easy to prove himself. How many times...?

Amberdrake immediately climbed to his feet, clutching that hand as he did but not pulling on it for help up. He grabbed the living Sanzo in an almost-crushing embrace, burying his face in the priest's bony shoulder. The sutra was ignored in his absolute relief.

Both the body beside them and the dream itself faded, and Drake woke with his face in much the same place it had been in the dream. "I'm so glad you're okay," he whispered. Normally, he'd show far more restraint, but relief warred with lingering sorrow and he found himself hugging Sanzo just as hard in real life, too.

Sanzo had expected the hug but not waking up barely able to breathe because of it. If it wouldn't be cruel to escape- Which he very much still wanted to do. He had his own feelings on the matter to detangle and a painful realization dangling over his head that he was doing his best to not acknowledge. There was no denying anymore that Drake was still very attached to who Sanzo was now, not just who he'd been before losing so many memories. He felt like an idiot now for thinking that was the case for as long as he had.

But he couldn't leave now, not right now, not unless he wanted to cause more damage than he had tried to prevent to start with.

"I'm fine," he said, lamely, feeling all the duller for stating the obvious. He couldn't bring himself to do much more. He didn't move the arm that had found its way over Drake at some point but that was about it.

"Yeah," Drake was just as lame, if much more muffled with his face full of shoulder.

He finally relaxed his death-grip on the other man's ribcage enough to allow for normal breathing, but didn't let go completely. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

It would be easy to assume he just meant the corpse. Drake would let Sanzo assume that if he needed to; Amberdrake was forever the kestra'chern.

Edited 2016-08-11 06:45 (UTC)

Sanzo knew better than to assume that was all that Amberdrake meant. He could pretend that's all he took from it but Drake would know. If not right away, it wouldn't take long. At least he could delay his response by catching his breath. It was a pity this was no time to be making snippy remarks about Drake trying to break his ribs.

"If it bothers you what I see, you know I don't have to." Sanzo would never accept this dream sharing bullshit if it was only one sided!

"Leaving you to the mercy of your nightmares would bother me more," Amberdrake countered without hesitation, turning his head so that it was the side of it against Sanzo's shoulder, instead of his damp face. "I can still be sorry for what you see in mine."

"Don't be an idiot." That wasn't helpful. Sanzo glanced at Drake's face and then quickly away. He knew Drake would take that wrong but it was better than him knowing why Sanzo didn't want to look him in the eye right now.

"I don't care about apologies for things that don't warrant it. I want to know if anything was actually accomplished?" 'Did I help?' was too open for him to ask. That he cared would be obvious but he couldn't state it so clearly.

"Yes," Drake answered the unasked, as was his way, "you helped. That nightmare never ends so quickly, or cleanly. There's never relief, just..." well, everything they were both pretending Sanzo hadn't had a close-up view of. Amberdrake's heart shattering into a million razor-sharp pieces... all those words, spilled freely for what he'd been certain at the time was a Sanzo who could no longer hear him.

"Last time I had that dream," Amberdrake decided to elaborate, "it was Skan they led me to. I'll probably have these my whole life, after all that war. Always waiting to see who came back... and who didn't. I often caught myself wishing I could go out and fight, too, so that it wasn't just... waiting. Powerless waiting..."

Sanzo wasn't sure if he really understood Drake's dilemma. In a way he did, though Sanzo faced his fear of loss through reducing what he had to lose. Dogged attempts to detach himself from concern for others and inserting himself directly into danger was the best he could do for it. To have to wait with no control over the situation would drive him mad. That he couldn't quite grasp, being able to suffer through that.

"So the best we can hope for is I show up to knock some sense into you for these damned nightmares." He was frustrated he couldn't do more, frustrated at a lot of thoughts and feelings running through his mind. What would happen if he did give in and leave Drake to that nightmare like he'd been tempted to? The guilt just the idea brought him wouldn't let him. He hoped.

Amberdrake smiled a little against the priest's shoulder at that unique Sanzo phrasing. "Yeah, I suppose so," he agreed quietly. He honestly wasn't sure how effective Sanzo would be in dreams about other people, but... well, Sanzo was the most common variant of those particular nightmares. And even in others, some comfort taken from Sanzo's presence wouldn't go amiss.

"...What would you want done, if it happened?" Drake asked; he couldn't help but to ask. "I know you're tougher than nails, but... if."

"I haven't thought about it." Sanzo had but never in depth and never for long before dismissing the idea. If he died, that was that. He'd be one more rotting corpse in the trail of bodies in his path. However it was dealt with was for the benefit of whoever even wanted to handle that task, not for him, if there would even be someone to do so.

"The sutra would still need protection, that's not saying anything new." The thought he could die here and the sutra remain away from his own world was disturbing. Yet, for a brief moment, the idea of denying those assholes one of the last pieces they needed for their fucked up game was terribly satisfying. That wouldn't be his luck though, living or dead.

"Do what you want, that's as much as I care about it." If he died, he failed. Thinking about his death only distracted from staying alive.

"Well, we did adopt you into the Clan," Amberdrake said thoughtfully, "so I suppose if you have no other preference, I'd just do what we do. A pyre under the stars, preferably in moonlight. The sutra... if your friends weren't here to take and guard it, I'd hide it. That's the best I could do."

Guarding items, Drake was not suited for. Guarding secrets, however...

That would have to do if the sutra wasn't returned to his world. He didn't know enough himself to train a replacement here even if he thought it was a good idea. With how relatively peaceful it was here, he wasn't concerned with needing someone to protect the sutra if he ended up dead. Even if Drake hid the sutra instead of carrying it himself he'd still be a target...

"Right." Sanzo didn't ask for details. He didn't want to know and he especially didn't want to think about what he would have to do if Drake was killed. "Nothing's tried to kill me here yet and I doubt anything will. No one gives a crap about taking shots at me unless they want the sutra."

Sanzo had been trying not to give anyone a reason, for the sutra or otherwise. He didn't need that trouble again and any such attention he attracted would turn onto Drake by association. At some point his hand had gone from lax where it rested against Drake's back to gripping his shirt, possessive almost. Sanzo was faced with the internal debate if he should pretend he hadn't noticed he'd done so or pull away now and try to preserve some of his dignity.

Drake chuckled at that, and released Sanzo from one arm so he could wipe at his own eyes with his thumb. Drying, the tears had turned gummy in his eyelids. "Same, as far as assassination attempts go. I do actually have to deal with those on my world."

He didn't comment on or outwardly react to the grip on the back of his shirt, just settling his arm back into place once he was done de-gunking his eyes. "I'm the k'Leshya Clan chief," he decided to finally tell Sanzo, "and thus also the 'king' of White Gryphon, since we adopted everyone there into k'Leshya, too. But here, I'm just some random 'therapist'."

The word really didn't do the job of kestra'chern much justice.

"Being unknown works better than a disguise." Sanzo had poor luck with disguises and very little motivation to maintain one. He paused as the impact of what Drake had said sank in. Had this been mentioned before? He was struggling to remember everything that had gone on early into finding out he was trapped away from his own world. He couldn't say he was that surprised at the revelation, nor that it was unfitting. Assassination attempts only added to his ever present worry for Drake's safety but he was used to that anxiety by now.

"You don't take a break from worrying yourself sick over everyone else's lives." How Drake could deal with that he had no idea. "You don't even settle for being a 'random therapist' with all that you do."

Drake chuckled again, "You're not the first to call me on that, and I doubt you'll be the last. But as for random therapist... that's the best my profession translates to in the common tongue, isn't it? I try to explain what I do in any more complex terms, and everyone's eyes glaze over."

Thinking of his first visit to the Haighlei kingdoms, Amberdrake smiled. "Sometimes the disguise is being unknown. I once disguised myself as my own bodyguard for several weeks so that I could move freely while 'poor, crazy Amberdrake' was restricted to his rooms. But kestra'chern are good actors, and good costumers, as part of our usual duties. I altered every nuance, even my gait. My height, with heeled boots. Even how my hair lays, slicked back into a strict tail with black feather dye. It also helped that the Haighlei couldn't tell most of us Kaled'a'in apart."

"I want to know why you felt the need to do that, but not right now." Sanzo was curious and had been meaning to ask more about what Drake had actually done before getting stranded away from home, but he had a feeling that story would be a bit much after everything else he'd seen and learned tonight.

"That said," he went on. "You would've been damn useful when every lowlife in ten miles was yelling 'Sanzo' at the top of their lungs."

That went for every overexcited villager too. The robes and sutra made him obvious enough without his title being broadcasted to the local youkai. No one had a bit of sense.

"Yes," Drake found that amusing; the non-combatant, coming in useful for disguises at least. "A little feather dye and some regular clothing would go a long way for you. For all four of you, really. You're a rather distinctive group."

"Maybe," Sanzo grumbled. He strongly disliked the idea of having whatever that gunk was in his hair and liked the idea of going without his robes where it actually mattered even less.

"We didn't have much luck with disguises when we did try them." He really hoped that Drake didn't know what those disguises had been. "It's not like we could disguise Jeep."

While they had been talking, Sanzo had been slowly unclenching his hand and moving it away from Drake's back. Just in case he happened to do something stupid again for whatever frustrating reason.

"What were these disguises you tried?" Amberdrake asked, because he had a knack for zeroing in on things!

Sanzo debated outright refusing to answer but that would tell Drake just as much as admitting the stupidity he'd participated in. He gave Drake a fantastically grumpy look while considering this.

"Sunglasses and cloaks, essentially," he said with tense reluctance. "It was to shut Goku up, I didn't expect it to work. Like I said, we couldn't hide Jeep."

Edited 2016-08-12 03:12 (UTC)

Drake hid his smile against Sanzo's shoulder, and said not a word. Not a word.

"Shut up." Drake hadn't said anything, but he was thinking it.

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