genessia | [Anonymous text]

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[Anonymous text]

[Normally this sort of thing wouldn't require an anonymous filter, but with the particular subject matter she's decided that it's the best course of action. As something's been weighing on her mind and she's not... quite certain how to go about asking these sorts of things out loud and with her name attached to them.]

Opinions.

How do you discard the past? Two different pasts and one of them not being something one wishes to remember. One where you still feel the side effects of what happened, one where you still feel urges of things you really shouldn't, given you've shoved all of that aside. To not let the circumstances of that past come back to consume you.

Or is it even possible to do so?

When it's something that's such an integral part of you, when you don't remember much of the time before the less desirable one took over your identity?

I don't want to hear just happy endings, either. As it stands, the urges rise further and further as if it's a flame slowly engulfing the kindling. You could deal with it in small doses, but you feel something is going to overflow and become what you were meant to be.

Suggestions are also welcomed on the matter, I suppose, though whether I listen to them or not is up to my own discretion.

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You can discard it, just like you can't change the past. What you need to do is accept it and work towards whoever you want to be. That's what matters most and it's a choice only you can make.

No matter what people say or how they reply to this.

I have been working towards who I wanted, or thought, I could be. It's... not going quite as well as expected. The ideas and thoughts from the past still nagging at my mind despite everything I have attempted otherwise.

Well have you accepted it or are you running from it.

I know a lot about running and I know that it won't leave you alone if you keep doing that.

...

I honestly don't even know anymore. There's only so much you can do in my situation when the past is always there no matter what you do about it.

Especially when lives are potentially at stake.

Well it's always going to be there. It doesn't sound like you've accepted it.

Then please do tell me how I'm supposed to accept something that I had no control over that makes me into an actual monster of sorts.

Because I'm not seeing it.

I don't know you anon. It's up to you to find it and it isn't going to be easy. Even in that sentence you said that you considered yourself a monster even though you have no control over it.

I have a friend in a similar situation and I think that you shouldn't have to suffer your own happiness just because someone used you.

Because I am despite what others might think. I'm not... it's not natural in any sense of the word. So why act as if I am normal? There's no point to it anymore. There never really was, to be fair.

Happiness is different for everyone, isn't it? Maybe I feel I might be happy if I just... go with it. [Well, that's going to end poorly.]

Now didn't that feel refreshing? Just out and saying it? In fact, that's really mature of you. Being honest. Being genuine about everything. You're making peace with it, like any sensible person would. So humble. So accepting.

And if it makes you feel happy, how wrong can it be?

Edited 2016-08-24 00:55 (UTC)

Don't act like you're normal. Act like you're you. Normal is retaliative anyway. I always wanted to be normal and it took a long time for me to realize I wasn't and I had to deal with that... not saying its the same but at least that part I can understand.

If you've spent so much effort running from this side of you... why do you suddenly think its a good idea to go for it? Unless someone else has planted the thought in your head.

That's how I'd survive this world, pretending I'm normal. Pretending that I'm human when I'm not. It's just... Even acting as if I was myself, it wouldn't help change anything from how it is right now.

[There's a brief pause between her words, having sent the first half before the second.]

Because there's nothing here that can truly stop me for going for it. We can go home. Meaning no one here is worth my keeping around. Only those I know and even then that's very debatable.

Yeah but being that monster means you'll be alone and it means that people will fight you and because they aren't alone they'll stop you.

I don't think anyone wants to be alone.
I don't think that can make anyone happy.
I don't know you but I want you to be happy.

You need to figure out who you are, whatever that means to you. Seriously this is what high school is all about and its frustrating and annoying and people are just jerks. I don't think you had that but just because you're here doesn't mean you can't live and be happy.

You're worth being happy.

I realize I talked in circles alot but I hope the point was clear...

[That causes her pause. While she was what her past dictated, there had always been one constant she could depend on but if she went back to how she was... Well, she wouldn't have the comfort of that constant as he wasn't here. Shit, she had a point.]

I don't deserve to be happy when it's nothing but an illusion. A machine can't be happy, that's not how things are meant to be.

Nor did I go to high school, so that's lost on me. [Now she's just being contrary, to be perfectly fair.]

I know what I have to do now. And maybe it'll be clear when it happens.

First of all a machine can be happy. Trust me on that. Second I assumed but it's the best example I could think of.

I'll tell you one last thing. One of my best friends was used as a weapon and forced to kill people. He killed my family. He's fighting the future that was created for him so that he's able to be happy now.

P.S. if you do something stupid like hurt people I will stop you <3

[Hopefully she'll put her money where her mouth is, but for now things are going to start slow. It won't be hard to figure out who the person behind the post was when things really kick off.]

Gonna switch gears for a minute and tap into the competitive drive bit. That sounds like a *challenge*. That it'll support the whole 'monster' part more than the 'normal' part is a big plus.

Edited 2016-08-24 01:06 (UTC)

Isn't all that acting exhausting? Isn't pretending just another way of lying? Is that what you want to do for the rest of your life; lie to people? You wouldn't do that. You're better than that.

Just be yourself. It's so easy, so natural.

The fact that there are difficulties just proves that you're fighting an uphill battle that can't be won, right? If you go up an incline too steep, you'll just tumble and fall a lot further than you started.

Besides, 'working to who you want to be'? Talk about vague! Was even /that/ hazy vision all that great?

Edited 2016-08-24 00:56 (UTC)

Ooh, ooh, he knows this one!

You really, really don't. There's no repentance, no remission of sins. Habits die hard, or in this case, not at all, and sooner or later the facade will fade and all those pathways in your brain will be traveled once again. Sure, you can try to resist, and you'll have some meager successes, but they'll shrink.

In fact it's probably healthier to just indulge once in a while. Going cold turkey is impossible anyway, and then it'll just bottle up into something you really won't like. Keep an open mind.

[This, this is the kind of shit she was talking about. Or part of it, at least. But there's still resistance, still the need to not fall back into old pitfalls. The sentiment is certainly there and she certainly is feeling more of a tug back towards things she'd rather forget, but for now it's more... uncertainty than action.

But this is certainly not helping her in the slightest.]

The past is not something you can... discard. My wife, for instance, had some really bad stuff happen to her, but she tries to keep her eyes forward and focus on the future. Heck, I've got a... well, not "friend" but acquaintance that used to be a really bad person, but has since changed into something... tolerable.

The past will always be a part of you, but it isn't what defines you. Keep moving forward, and you'll find the peace you're looking for.

[Krillin, she will throw you out of this window, so help her. Because she had a distinct feeling that would come up at some point or another, but she also doesn't have the heart ~~or courage in this case~~ to give herself away like this.]

"Trying" seems to be the way everyone is saying with this mess. The past defines you, certainly, which means certain things won't change at this point. [This might be something he needs to keep a note on for later, probably.]

Would you look at all these haphazard platitudes? 'Focus on the future'? 'Keep moving forward'? Fortune cookies are more profound.

Look, these morons on the network don't know what they're talking about. But I you do.

[His favorite activity: stream-of-bullshit]
You thought of yourself when he mentioned 'wife', didn't you? And doesn't your husband love you for 'who you are'? ALL of you? Even the bad points?

Then why worry about them? After all, who knows your history better than you? Who can judge yourself better than yourself? In fact, don't judge! Just 'be yourself'. Love yourself. Self-esteem. Krillin will always accept you, and will overlook everything. So there's really no need for anything like moral improvement. In fact, the struggle that you're doing is really just needless groaning and 'much ado' about nothing. Whoever you are will always be accepted, so why change it? It will all be all right...

Edited 2016-08-24 00:53 (UTC)

"Hello there. I'm not good with text so I'm going to do things like this, okay? You can keep texting though, if you like." She was smiling, as usual, though perhaps not as brightly as she normally did. The place she was in was dim and quite ornate. Probably Chireiden where Guardian Satori had given most of her speeches from.

"I understand what you're feeling, but you shouldn't discard your past. Even if you don't like it. Youkai are creatures that embody aspects so that their whole being is dedicated to existing as, or following certain concepts or behaviors. I'm a predatory, flesh-eating youkai so I have urges all the time. People and animals are things that I'm supposed to eat. But sis and I decided to stop hunting humans centuries ago. But the desire never really goes away since that was a big part of the role that spawned us."

She tilted her head some. "The problem is that if sis and I forgot about the past, we might stop understanding why it's important to maintain how we're living now. And that would be really bad. I like having human friends and sis likes not having human enemies. Not to mention she needs the humans in Fayren to trust her."

[That's fine, she can use video if she wants to. But 18's keeping to text for obvious reasons, she doesn't want to give anything away right this moment.]

How do you... get over those urges, then? If it's something that's such a necessary part of your being? Mine is... about the same in a sense, I suppose, but pretending to be peaceful is just making it worse to where it's doing nothing but consuming my entire being anymore.

I guess the entire past isn't what I want to be rid of. Just... what happened to me and it not being anywhere near my decision for what happened and who I am now at this point.

Just because the one responsible is dead doesn't make it any easier.

"Well..." Koishi sort of trailed off. "We... didn't really." A pause, Koishi deliberating something. Not many people actually knew what the sisters did to satiate their hunger.

"There's a difference between actively hunting and what we've had to resort to. Neither of us ever said we stopped eating human flesh entirely. We'd unravel if that was the case. But chasing down people and killing them for food is the greater taboo. Not to mention it's rude."

"Instead, we find other ways to get what we need. We're not really meant to be scavengers since we get quite a bit of nourishment from the hunt itself, but it works well enough for our purposes. Hunting and catching animal prey with our teeth and claws helps with the desire to chase and kill things. It's not really the same since humans are way more cunning than dumb beasts. Besides, what we're actually feeding on is certain states of human emotion that has been invested into the flesh, and animals don't really have that either... but it's something we've managed to get used to. It didn't happen overnight though, and I'm not as good about it as Sis is. She got to a point where she can subsist on ambient fear alone. I've got no idea how she stands it."

A pause.

"I mean... It doesn't make it any less exciting when we have to 'defend' ourselves from an over-zealous youkai hunter. We're not attacking humans, so if one goes out of their way to attack us first without provocation, all bets are off. We're not going to pass up eating something we got to kill."

Edited 2016-08-24 01:58 (UTC)

I don't know how good I'll be at suggesting something, but I do have at least one idea.

Have you tried to establish some kind of goal that you want? Something that you can focus all of your drive towards? If you dedicate yourself wholeheartedly to something, I believe it's possible to lose the less desirable parts of yourself and your past in the pursuit.

[In a way, this happened with his own father. And he is glad that it did, otherwise he wouldn't exist.]

[She's very glad this isn't voice or video because there's the most bitter of laughs going on right now. Of course he'd reply to this, of course.]

I have, it's done nothing to help me in the end but delay the inevitable.

It's hardly worth the time and effort I've been putting into it.

[It's probably a good thing for him that he's speaking to someone who's anonymous, too. He'd worry too much if he knew who he was talking to.]

Then it may be worth considering another thing to add. Sometimes we throw ourselves into something we're not cut out for.

You don't. What is done is done, what has happened has happened. You can't just erase a past you don't like, all you can do is take responsibility.

As for unwanted urges, if they're there, wouldn't they be natural? Wouldn't they indicate your true nature?

[She taps the side of her phone for a moment as she debates on how to answer this. The latter part is the most interesting thing to her, hm.]

I suppose it would, wouldn't it? It's worth taking into consideration at least, given what it is... [That's going to backfire so badly on her later.]

I think it's best to just accept things as they are and do what you feel is right. I've always done what I feel is right and it's worked out rather well.

[Though the thing left out is the things he has done that seemed right were pretty awful and caused a lot of problems.]

[Hoo boy does he know a little about this. Not to the same extent, perhaps, and "side effects" reminds him more of SOLDIER than his own division. But he knows a past steeped in trouble and violence makes peaceful living an interesting prospect, at least.]

If you can, you find a way to channel the urges productively. Failing that, in the least destructive manner possible.

You can't discard it. But you can choose to acknowledge it and move on from it, while you still have the capacity to understand that you need to.

[And haven't yet gone off the deep end a la Sephiroth.]

I've already tried channeling them, it's done nothing to really curb it. ... And given the urge? I don't think there's such a thing as "in the least destructive manner possible". Unfortunately.

I suppose that's all I really can do on that matter, but when it ends up giving you something that's not... human anymore, you begin to wonder if it was worth it. If there's any way to return to what you once were. If you were better before.

[The professor may be responding mostly out of academic interest, but he'll try his best to be helpful as well.]

I may better help you if I were to better understand your situation. Would you be willing to elaborate?

Which part would you want me to elaborate on? There's only so much I can say without giving myself away.

While I can appreciate your desire for privacy, I can hardly see how remaining anonymous and getting help appropriate for your situation is possible. I'm afraid they're mutually exclusive.

Because there's certain people that can't know about this and given how this place seems to function, if I say anything too specific... Well, that information will be passed along to them and I'm not okay with that.

I'd say I have a reputation to uphold, but it's not even about that.

I am a doctor, you know. I always guarantee confidentiality.

[Oh jeez, he was just trying to get this through to Portgas too.]

You don't discard the past, nor forget it. You learn from it so it can help inform you on your choices for the future.

Trying to bury it or shove it aside will just limit your options, so don't. Accept that it's in the past. This is here and now, the present. And tomorrow and every day after that is a chance for more and new and different. What you do now, little by little is what you can control. And only by learning from the rest.

As for dealing with something like... an uncontrollable urge to follow along old past habits? I have no fucking clue. I'm borderline overdosing on nicotine, caffeine, and anything else in between, and I think it's just getting worse, not better.

What if the past changed you, physically, due to what happened? It's something that you can't use in a way that's new or different. You're forever what you were made into, something that you had no control over and something you never wanted in the first place. And the urges themselves are not... something I had before all of this.

It's not something I can control as it's not something that's really a part of how I was before everything. No matter what I do it's still there in the back of my mind, whether I want it to be or not.

I suppose it's of no consequence anymore as anyone that could help on that particular matter isn't here. There's only one thing I really can do at this point. [That does not sound good and is highly vague.]

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