Her worries for and about about Rose were in Amy's mind when she went out for a walk, and then she heard that voice. Her head whipped around and she saw... HER. Kovarian.
She told the Doctor. She knew it. SHE KNEW it. Amy ran back into the house, and into River's room. She'd apologize to River later. For the gun she was taking. And for not calling River to get a shot in on Kovarian herself. But there was no time, and more than revenge, Amy wanted answers.
Gun in hand, she ran out of the house, and spotted Kovarian again on a nearby roof. Watching Amy with that smile. That face that peered through reality. Amy didn't hide her motions. Kovarian didn't seem concerned. Amy managed to climb a fire escape without putting down the gun. She was shaking from fear, anger, exertion. But she approached Kovarian, bringing the gun up.
"Rose," she said, her voice rough. The gun shook in her hand. She put the other hand up to try and steady it. She stepped forward. Kovarian calmly stepped back.
"I know you have Rose. I know that's not her, that you sent a Ganger. But Rose is too strong, so her Ganger is too. She broke through. She's not Rose." Another step forward, another step back. "Give us Rose back, her and her baby. You're done, Kovarian." Another forward, another back. "I'm not afraid of you," she lied. Another step forward, Kovarian stepped back calmly again.
"I killed you once, I can do it again." Not a lie. Another step forward, another step back. They were getting closer to the edge of the roof, neither seemed to notice.
"You're done turning people into weapons. You're done using the Doctor's friends to hurt him. You're done hurting anyone. Give us back Rose and her baby, now."
Kovarian simply stepped back, off the roof. She stood on the air as if it were more roof. Amy, stepping forward, seemed unaware she was getting closer to the edge. She pulled back the hammer on the gun. "You stole my daughter, you're not stealing her and hers!" Another step closer....
She certainly hadn't earned it. It seemed like lately the more she learned, the less she could hold it all in.
The stone wings buffeted forward pushing Amy down and knocking the phantom fear back, however temporarily.
"You give me too much credit," Rose growled as a gargoyle, but hugged the woman tightly, the daughter, Amy, that Rose never knew until here. "I was just being a real arse. No monsters causing it. But don't worry Amy, I won't let anyone hurt your baby." River Song. The Doctor's wife. It was a hell of a headtrip.
Okay, the hug from a stone creature was odd, and she was still on edge - figuratively and almost literally - dealing with Kovarian/ But that was Rose's voice... wasn't it?
"I... I don't know what's going on here, but I will not let anyone hurt my friends and my family. Not again. Not ever again." She was trying to get up and raise the gun, trying not to look away from Kovarian, sure the woman would vanish and torment someone else as soon as she looked away....
"Yeah, I know," Rose smiled softly but closed her hand around Amy's and the gun. "But the Doctor hates guns. He'd never want you to kill in his name. Not even to protect everyone he loves so much."
A small sigh and she buffeted her wings up so that if the phantom was going to hurt them, it'd have to shred her wings, much as she loved flying.
"You've done good Amy. It's my turn to protect you now, Sweetheart."
"You don't know Kovarian! She needs to die! I won't let her take your child! I won't let her turn anyone else into a weapon!"
The Phantom just stood there, smiling where she would always be in Amy's line of sight.
"I can kill her again! I can! I won't let her hurt River or the Doctor or you... No one else. Never again! NEver again!" Her voice turned shrill as hot tears flew from her eyes.
"And then what? The damage is already done. Don't let the rest of your life be about her. It's so much more than that, yeah?" Gargoyle Rose was able to actually rest her forehead against Amy's for once, mostly on account of practically being on top of her.
"You.... You don't look like Rose, but you sound like her. The Rose that was here recently? A Ganger. Has to be. Was nothing like the Rose we know and love. She did that, Rose. She's ben using your face and name and voice to hurt people. She has to be stopped!"
"Come on. Let's get some tea, yeah?" Rose sighed and dragged a clawed hand down her face.
"Amy... you've seen the Doctor at his worst, yeah? Or if not worst, definitely very very low. When you first met me, you thought I was him. Are you really so surprised my worsts would be as dramatic as his? 'Cept he implodes... I definitely exploded."
She kept her arm and wings around the woman. "Come on," she gently lifted Amy and nudged toward the roof ledge this time. "Tea. We can even put whiskey in it if ye like."
She shook her head, eyes still on Kovarian. "I'm not leaving that monster to run free and hurt my family," she said, but Rose would feel the fine tremors through her. Fear and fury were a potent mix. Her body was screaming at her to fight and to take flight.
The rest of what Rose said would process... later. Right now Kovarian had the majority of Amy's attention.
After the emotional short-fuse blow up, Rose is actually able to think a bit clearer, for once.
Some thoughts: 1) Madame Kovarian was likely part of whatever had turned Rose into a gargoyle. Otherwise she wouldn't have let Amy know she was around, and certainly wouldn't be on the roof, she'd just be trying to reprogram River into homicide. 2) Rose might have also set off that fear a bit more by mentioning it so flippantly offhand to throw it in the Doctor's face, even if she'd been more angry and hurt about the fixed point portion, fixed points were intangible and not usually physically manifested into the embodiment of a person like Jack. Or whatever they did to River. 3) Which meant "Madame Kovarian" could be a monster feeding on fears and anxieties. 4) Or a physical manifestation of anxieties the way her brain had hyperlooped on that one planet with the Doctor and Jack where she kept thinking the Doctor was leading her on adventure, but it was just a hallucination... basically. 5) Which also meant trying to kill her would only make it worse. 6) Talking logic was for wusses. Action was where it was at, and it wasn't like anyone could have spoken logic to Rose when she had her breakdown. 7) Amy was scared, angry, hurting, and as much as Rose wanted to break whatever was being done to cause that, right now, that meant being strong and not broken too.
So Rose just carefully picks Amy up in the overly strong gargoyle arms, spreads her wings to cut off Amy's vision and hops off the roof, using the wings to glide down gently, and leads her back inside. It's likely that Madame Kovarian would follow, after all, it'd pushed Amy up onto the roof somehow, but for now, it'll buy her time.
Still keeping a wing around Amy to cut off her vision, Rose set about carefully making tea. Could gargoyles drink tea? Well she was going to find out. --> Spoilers: every time she tried to drink, it would purify all liquids back to water. Oops.
"Hey. So you know, when I was a child, I used to have this really bad recurring nightmare yeah? Pretty much like the one I was havin' right when I first got here. Only it wasn't the Doctor disappearin', it was my Mum." Rose quietly takes the gun away, crushing the nozzle in her grip and puts it in a drawer.
"And the more it scared me, the worse it got. The more I'd think about it and get worried about it and that meant it could haunt me more."
She had no idea how Amy liked her tea. Honey? Black? Whiskey? She got out a bit of everything for Amy to mix as she pleased, still keeping one wing around the woman, and having to be careful not to knock anything over with the other.
"But the only way to get rid of it... was to ignore it. It's not easy to do, that! I basically had to make friends with it. Realize the fear was there because my Dad died before I could even understand it, and I knew how much it hurt my Mum, how much it worried on her, and in a way, her fear became mine, yeah? But to protect my Mum, I had to be strong right back."
Rose sat down carefully and moved her chair right next to Amy's so she could wrap a protective arm around her as well, both wings shielding them now.
"See the thing about fear? It's good. It makes you stronger, sharper, smarter, faster. It helps you survive. The worst thing you can do is let it control you, you just gotta be usin' that fear to save yer life. Madame Kovarian is scary, but you know who's scarier?" Rose rested her head against Amy's. "You are. Because you're smart enough to be afraid. She can't control you. She can't trap or hurt anyone here, because you're smart enough to make her irrelevant. Whatever creature is pretending to be her, not a granger, but somethin' else, I bet. It wants you to try to kill her. It needs that. Either to hurt you, or hurt the Doctor. So you know what we're going to do?" She gently kissed Amy's forehead, not knowing the Doctor had done the same thing to Amy a number of times too.
"Nothing." Red eyes glowed in bemusement, and she kept up the hug with one arm and both wings, as she quietly handed Amy a cup of tea. "We're going to make it frustrated. Because I won't let it hurt you, and that'll make you stronger than it. Whatever it's feedin' on, it'll waste away. It's gonna get worse before it goes, but it'll be like my nightmare, 'bout the Doctor or my Mum." Rose snapped a pair of stone claws like a finger snap although it sounded weird, of course. "The way to get rid of it, is to not let it do what it wants. Ignore it. Be bettar than it, be so much stronger, it just becomes irrelevant. It'll still be there, but it won't be able to do anything. We won't let it win, yeah?"
"NO!" Amy screamed when Rose pulled her away. She fought, furious, hurting herself against Rose's stone skin, and not even noticing. Kovarin followed as far as to stand at the edge of the roof from which they jumped, and then she smiled. Nothing more. She didn't need to do more. Just moved back into Amy's line of sight...and smiled.
But she didn't follow them inside. Amy tried to find a way to get around the wing, to get back out there, when she realized what Rose was doing. "Tea? She's out there spying on us, plotting whatever she's plotting and you're making...."
And then the full image caught up to Amy and she went pale. She didn't see gargoyle. She saw stone. Wings. Some might read that as gargoyle, perhaps, a stone person with wings. But to Amy that equation had only ever meant one thing.
"You..looked into its eyes..." she whispered, horrified.
She didn't really notice Rose taking the gun, though she would notice later. She would especially notice that she broke it... later. For now... it was hard enough to process that Rose was speaking. Or was it like Bob? Was this Angel Rose? "Close your eyes!" she said, hoping it wasn't too late. She had to call the Doctor. Bow tie. Or glasses. One of the ones who would remember what she remembered, what the universe had forgotten.
"Stop. Just... Just stop talking..." she said, her voice slipping into that cold almost deadly calm veneer it gets only in the worst of times. The way she had spoken to River and Rory after watching the astronaut kill the Doctor. "Stop talking. That doesn't matter now." It did, but this was more urgent.
"I'm going to call the Doctor... he saved me from this... he can save you." Her voice still had that deathly stillness to it, a crust over the trembling pain and fury and terror boiling inside her.
Rose's red eyes flicker, watching Amy panic. She smiles sadly in spite of herself. It's exactly like Rose herself, and Amy couldn't even see it.
Rose doesn't know whether to talk or to be silent.
Finally, in a low gravely voice, "Amy. I'm right here. The Doctor fixed it so I can still talk, and he's working on an antidote. The werewolf Doctor. Tie-Doctor."
She tsked quietly, and pushed her hair back with a clawed stone hand. "This happened to me once before. In San Francisco. He saved me then, he'll save me now." She nodded even more quietly. "Waking up in Nova did this. Seems it's something different for each city. Koishi got a cute costume. Didja get to meet her?" she hoped to distract the redhead. Talking to her... semi-normally since that was the only way to get through to Rose when Rose was panicking too. "She was at the party. All smiles and charm. She said she's already a monster, she's a youkai, yeah? So she said it's nice for everyone else to be scary instead."
She shook her head slightly, eyes locked on Rose's chin. None of that made any sense. Werewolf Doctor? Rose had become a Weeping Angel before?
"How are you moving?" she asked, her voice low, quiet, but with restrained energy that could turn into shouting for the Doctor at any moment. "I'm looking at you, how are you moving?" she asked, trying to back away slowly without looking away from Rose's chin.
"I'm a gargoyle, and it's nighttime," Rose answered quietly, and nudged Amy's hand with the cup of tea, carefully trying not to break the teacup. "The Doctor already sonic'd me, but daytime freezes me up." An annoyed tsk. "It didn't get that far last time. In San Francisco. There was a Punchgate being used for interstellar travel, illegal of course, and the chaos effects it had was givin' people super powers. Super strength, flying, night vision."
Quiet again, thinking about it. She had a lot recently, mostly because of Jack, but there was something else she couldn't quite put her finger on. UNIT? Torchwood? Cyberman? Jealousy over her Doctor and sharing him with another woman.... yeah probably that. Ugh and that hadn't even been romantically. The Storm Asylum... something about that tickled her brain but again, she couldn't figure it out.
"We went and put a stop to it, me, the Doctor, and Jack, but one of my friends got stuck as a gargoyle and time traveled to the 1980s and UNIT shot him."
An amused snort. "Tranquilizer, but airgun bullets." She flicked her own stone-ish arm with a claw. "Takes a bit to get through this, don't it?"
"Gargoyle? Not Weeping Angel?" she asked, frowning a bit. That was the immediate issue, then she could deal with the others. Right now there were enough issues that needed to be handled to cover a subscription or ten....
Rose arched an amused eyebrow at that, and snorted quietly. "Not crying, and I've got a beak!" she pointed a claw at her mouth.
"I mean... could be worse." She sucked on the finger quietly. "When Dean -- my friend, right? When he got transformed... the Doctor said he was losin' his mind and memories. And also... they shot him, like I said."
She carefully tapped Amy's shoulder with a wing and delicatedly poked the red-head's cheek with with it. "Gargoyle wings, not feathery. Erm, not even yanno stone-feathery. Leathery like gargoyles."
She pointed at her eyes, "They look all red and glow-y, right? Yeah???" A small sigh and she glanced away again, "That happened in San Francisco. To a bunch of others, before me. The Doctor got a distress call on the psychic paper and you know he loves answerin' those, so..." a shrug, and Rose glanced back. "If ye wanna punch me, I suggest waitin' all right?"
"I don't know. Same reason Fluffy's a werewolf, I expect. He's going to find a cure so I don't get stuck though. Like I said, he did it before, he will again. And sonic'ed me so I don't get worse. And can still talk. And can remember stuff."
Rose was a gargoyle, the Tie Doctor was a werewolf, and she hadn't checked on the other two Doctors yet. Amy's house was haunted(??) but Rose was pretty sure still that Madame Kovarian was not a real newcomer. Which left those other options as to what it was, but...
She scrunched her face up and wrinkled her nose, laughing softly. "That wouldn't be a very good one. Making the Doctor like Mr. Hyde to his Doctor Jekyll?" she snorted quietly. "And being a gargoyle is a super power. Flying, extra strong, crazy durable."
She frowned thoughtfully again, "I don't know what it is yet. But I don't think the lady you wanted to shoot and me turning gargoyle-y and the Doctor into a werewolf is disconnected. Like I said, the time in San Francisco was caused by a punchgate. Chaos instability -- I had to deal with that kind of... alternate realities in the fifth dimension, right? Same with like... ghosts. And she acts more like that. I mean--" Rose used the stone claws to mime air quotes, "They're not really 'ghosts' but yanno... ghosts."
Her half grin dropped even deeper, looking more like the Doctor than ever.
"Hazarding a guess, I'd say whatever's haunting you is preying on your mind and emotions. At worst... it's an atmospheric thing like these microbes on one planet that got inside people's brains and fed on fiction. Lies, creativity. That kinda thing. Maybe you let your emotions take over and you get turned into somethin'. Dunno. It'd explain me and Tie-Doctor. We've been the most high-strung and overloaded of all of us, yeah?"
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
It made sense. The emotions got too much, they turned into monsters with only a half grip on sanity.
"Or," The red glowing eyes darkened and focused on Amy seriously, "If it is an attack, it's trying to push into overload. Maybe it feeds on violence. You know there's whispers about that's how we get stuck here. That maybe the realm itself feeds on our existence. Either way Amy, I know it's going to be hard, but I meant what I said before, you're going to have to try to ignore her and show her you won't be pushed into what she wants. If you love the Doctor enough to be mad at me on his behalf, good, but use that to keep calm. Be afraid, don't let her hurt River again, but don't give into hate and rage."
She glanced away, she'd be starting to cry if she was still human, but luckily, red eyes had no such problems, so she reached for a cup of tea for herself instead. "Be better than me, all right?"
She hadn't destroyed the Dalek Emperor out of hate or rage...
But it still must have bothered him, didn't it? Given how he removed it from her own memories. Or tried. Given how he reacted to himself causing genocide. Given how he was when she first asked him about it.
She listened to all of that, eyes closing, hands closing, breathing deeply and listened. Really listened, but at the last... her eyes opened again, but not fully. Narrowed, her eyes met Rose's head on.
"Be better than you?" How did she still not get it, after all of this?
"There is no being better than you or Rory or the Doctor or anyone. We're not better or worse than each other. The Doctor asks us, all the time, to be the very best of humanity. But that doesn't mean be better than other people, it means be the best forms of what humanity has. Trying to be better than someone else is pointless."
"And if that's what it feeds on, trust me, I wouldn't be the primary target, and we both know that. Whatever this is... there wouldn't BE a city, given who is here, if the attack was meant to make us all into psychopaths. Have you ever seen the TARDIS furious? Pushed too far? No. We'll solve whatever happened to the two of you. And we'll stop Kovarian."
"But I don't think whatever happened to you is as recent as you seem to think it was. And it might not make sense to you, didn't make sense to me till the Doctor cut the signal, but wherever you are, Rose, the real you... we will find you. And if this is the real you, we will find your double and take her down. I promise you."
That wasn't what she meant. She just meant better under control. But "Yeah, you're right," Rose said at first--
But at the rest, she got up, and clenched a stone fist.
"Amy."
An impatient growl. "Stop."
She paced as far as she could, trying to keep the wings folded and casting a glance over her shoulder, frustrated.
"You know why I said he shouldn't be a hero, shouldn't have to be a hero? Heroes can't make mistakes. Heroes have to seem strong even when everything is falling apart around them. Stop. Let me off the pedestal. Yeah, I wasn't--" She clicked her beak shut, took a deep breath, dragged a hand down her face, and grabbed a chair, sitting back at the table, but at the chair backwards to lean forward on it.
"What you said before. About not being allowed to die being worse. Didja mean it?" She was stoic, even if her emotions were anything but. Raging tempests and forest fires, hurricanes whipping up seas to make Widow Wept like placid.
Amy sat down, finally. "Rose... if this is really you..then talk to me. Like that first night, but without getting drunk. What in the world is going on, has been going on? Because none of this makes sense. Not even a little bit of it. And while I'm kind of used to that from the Doctor... I'm not used to that from my other friends."
1/2 You know it's a CC comment when it breaks the character limit
"Well, you did say I'm a lot like him," Rose grinned weakly.
And puffed and pushed her hair back with one hand.
"What you said. About immortality being a curse..."
She bit her finger experimentally, wondering if the stone beak could hurt stone or not. And then worrying about damage when when she changed back, since the odds were that this wasn't ghostbusters and she wasn't trapped inside a stone dog --
She switched trying to take a sip of tea. Odd. Okay, it might not be hot simply for how long it'd been there, but it tasted like pure water!
"Didja mean it?" Rose couldn't look up. So much guilt and self-loathing twisting her stomach into knots.
She closed her eyes and breathed carefully. "The Doctor..." she laughed softly, set down the teacup carefully and pushed her hair back again.
"Jack can't die. No. He does die... and comes back to life. I saw him shot by a dalek, and thought he was dead forever, and when he came back, I didn't... ask him about it because, everything was happening so fast. I thought the Doctor was going to kick his clone out of the airlock -- and--"
Rose looked up at Amy, anguish clear despite the dry red glowing eyes.
"You said you've seen him angry. There's this place called the Stormgate Asylum. It's super hard to get into. The only way is through a time storm." She pursed her lips together tightly. "He made me arrest him so he could find out what experiments they were doing. On the prisoners. Supposedly used to be a real nasty prison, but it got better, was reformed, but still causin' problems, so he wanted to find out why, how to stop it." Another deep breath, and she closed her eyes again, thinking. "They sucked out his darkness and put into this living flesh. Just a dummy they said, but his darkness was.... too much. It took on a life of its own. The dark Doctor... His Mr. Hyde... he wanted to destroy so much. To stop the hurting."
Rose glanced sideways away. She was giving Amy trust she'd given no one else, not even Jack, and not even the Doctor himself. Because protecting the Doctor from himself was something Rose just took for granted.
She looked down at the cup. "He shot that Doctor, his darkness, out into the time storm and let it consume him, and sucked the rest of the darkness, everyone else's into himself."
A stone claw made light circles on the table, careful not to scratch anything.
"My Doctor, tie Doctor I mean... is even worse. He might seem like a sad puppy, but he's more dangerous. When he first regenerated, he had to fight to save Earth. That's how he lost his hand, right? But he also killed a Sycorax in cold blood. 'No second chances,' he said. Harriet Jones -- she was prime minister at the time -- she used Torcwhood to kill the Sycorax so they wouldn't --"
Rose's lungs were filtering the air, she could tell somehow, but it was still hard to breathe. She was made of stone, but her heart was still human through and through.
"S-so they wouldn't... t-tell others..." it was weird not to be crying. She'd spent so long frustrated over all the tears shed, and yet now...
The bat wings sprang up and covered her shoulders and head in spite of herself.
"I'm not upset for them... or even the Doctor..."
A gulp.
"It's Jack."
She was shaking.
She rubbed her eyes unnecessarily and grinned softly in amusment at the dry hand, glancing sideways again.
"Amy, please... I have to know. Do ya mean it, or didja... about the not dying thing because..."
She quivered like a leaf in Autumn.
Deep breath and Rose held a hand up to hold Amy back from answering right away. If Amy said yes, she might not be able to get through this. Stone or not, she still might break.
"He fired Harriet Jones. You can't fire the Prime Minister, but he did. Just six words. I don't know what he told people. I guess that she looked weak or something, because --" Rose gulped and snapped her fingers again. "Just like that, everyone was calling for her resignation for health, and even if she'd been fine, she sure wasn't after all that added pressure, yeah? Thing is though, right? I nevar questioned him at the time. The Sycorax were tryin' ta enslave the Earth, and Harriet Jones was right, when he was still sick inside the TARDIS, I was tryin' ta be the Doctor for him and it wasn't enough..."
Another gulp, and plain water or not, Rose drank some anyway. "People got killed, right in front of us. The translator, the General..." She shook her head. "No second chances. And what you said? That daleks treat him better than he treats himself?" She shuddered, wings and arms protectively cradling her head. "It's true. I was so scared after his clone committed genocide. Even though it was the daleks, even though it was to save all of us..." more head shaking and she sat up to look at Amy properly. "Worse'n that! To make sure none o' us did something he'd be mad at us fer. Because Martha and Jack were all ready to blow up a planet so the reality bomb -- the thing Davros made to unmake all of reality, across all dimensions," a shiver, "'Cause it wouldn't'a worked then."
Rose gently rans her claws over her stone scalp, through the blonde hair, relieved it was still firmly rooted... for now.
"Harriet Jones... she knew the Doctor wouldn't always be around. And Jack..." Rose closed her eyes, and drew a deep breath.
She didn't want to tell Amy, to ruin the perfect image of the Doctor. She knew she wouldn't have let Sarah Jane try to convince her anything about the Doctor, but this was about protecting the Doctor, even from himself.
"Jack knows that the most," Rose's voice was dark, low, angry, and thick. There was even a slight snarl as she continued, the rage replacing anguish and fear. "I turned Jack into a fixed point. I didn't know it at the time. The Doctor took the memory out of me... or human failsafe kicked in. I dunno. I know he didn't want me to remember tryin' ta kill all the daleks. Committin' genocide myself." She ground her teeth and winced at the awful sound. RIGHT. Stone.
"I made it so that no matter how many times Jack dies, or what way he dies, whether he's blown apart by a nuclear bomb..."
Her cheeks managed to pinken, even through the stone and she shielded her eyes with one hand.
This was a dangerous conversation to have. What if AMY wasn't AMY? What if all that about Rose being a fake Rose was projection so Rose wouldn't suspect Amy? What if there were people listening?
But Rose meant what she told the Doctor, secrecies and silence hurt more. She knew that first hand!!!
She gulped quietly. "Jack comes back. He can't die. He's going to live Billions, and maybe trillions of years. And that's all my fault."
She closed her eyes again, breathed deeply and stretched her wings.
"That's not the worst of it."
She drummed her other fingers quietly on the table.
"Not by a long shot."
She wanted whiskey. The whole damn bottle.
How the hell was the Doctor not an alcoholic? Probably just because he's an alien, Rose figured.
"I can't tell you the worst stuff. It's Jack's but..." Deep breaths, her wings hunched, perching over her from raised hackles on edge and tension.
"That thing Harriet Jones said, that the Doctor wouldn't always be there? Well Jack was. Because the Doctor got scared of Jack, from what I did to him, and left him. Just bloody stranded him in the future like he didn't even care!"
More fingers drumming.
"Jack was a Time Agent when we first met him. So he was able to use his stolen tech to get back to Earth, but he missed by about a hun'red an' fifty years. Lived through meeting Queen Victoria who asked him personally to work for Torchwood. Lived through World War 1, World War 2, met the real Captain Jack Harkness he's named after," a sigh, as his true name filtered through her head, and she used their bond to send him warm emotional fluffies, to make up for all the rage and turmoil of... everything else recently.
"He--"
She couldn't explain, wouldn't EVER TELL ANYONE even Amy, and especially not the Doctor, Jack's secrets.
"He had to save the Earth times the Doctor wasn't around. Went through --"
Rose closed her eyes, trying not to cry before remembering she didn't have that problem just then. "So much torture. All on account of me."
More fingers drumming.
"It doesn't end there."
She smiled cruelly, wistfully, not looking up at Amy. Telling Amy the things she would have only told a younger version of herself, and the way she would have.
"So after this clone version of the Doctor pops up, commits genocide, even to save all of us, even him, even the multiverse and all dimensions and all of time and space and reality..." A quiet snort. "I was worried he was going to shoot that version of him into the void. Or a star."
She glanced away, "So I wanted to protect him. That him. So he didn't think we all hated him, so he didn't think -- so he wouldn't hate himself as much."
The lump in her throat seemed extra hard being stone.
"So I didn't talk to Jack. I didn't get to find out... why he didn't die. I just thought yanno... hologram or something. Smart Jack. Brilliant Jack. Best Jack."
She pushed her hair back with a hand. "The Doctor before he regenerated, or right when he was abandoned Jack in the year 200,100." She tried to bite her upper lip and couldn't. It felt weird. She gave up trying. "But then... Tie Doctor, he thought I was just mad about being left in Pete's Universe with the MetaCrisis. I'm not mad at him, the past, for that. I was mad because..."
She tilted her head sideways, still not looking directly at Amy. "He said he loved me the same as Martha and Jack."
She grinned sickly, and pinched the bridge between her eyes. "I just god damn lost it at that."
She rubbed her face as best she could with both hands, they were stone and cold, but still muscular and relatively pushable at least. "Then to see him try to... pretend like River meant nothin' to him."
She pinched a cheek and dragged it out as far as she could.
"Jack needed me. Needed both of us, and we weren't there for him. There has never been a single time in my life where Jack wasn't there for me. Not one. He looked after my Mum when I bloody ran out on her, what? A half dozen times? More?!" DEEP BREATH. "And I just... made my decision here. I wasn't going to do that again to Jack. Not ever. Maybe here's the only way I can do, but I gotta give it my all, because... that's who I am."
She pulled the cheek all over again, trying to twist it in a circle. "And I told Tie-Doctor the same. If he meant it, if he really meant it about Jack and Martha to give them his all. And stop tryin' ta --"
She dropped the pinched cheek and rolled her hand in a circle, again not looking at Amy. "Have me along with it."
She pinched between her eyebrows instead. "S-Same for River Song, really. I mean... I haven't put my foot down as hard on that, 'cause... his future is used ta not havin' me around."
Blonde hair got pushed back again and Rose gave an annoyed low growl. "I got... pretty hurt. When I realized..." She clenched her jaw tightly. "I was flirtin' with a married man." Hand up again. "I know. Whatever. River Song married his other spouses, that's just the way they are, it's not that. It's not that I have to be the best or the only one."
She laughed, she would have been crying at again at the same time but for gargoyle, and rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand out of habit, doing her best to swallow that damn stone lump in her throat. "If I did, believe me, I wouldn't have shagged Jack." Oh did she forget to tell Amy that part?
Well.
Whatever.
"I just lost it. I've been so angry for months and months... And I got angry travelin' the fifth dimension.... ohhhh I got mad at him then. All those suicide attempts--" Her throat seemed to close up again and she looked up at the ceiling.
"I always thought... okay this wasn't really him. The real Doctor wouldn't do this. The real Doctor wouldn't--"
She pulled her cheek again. "I wanted to believe that. Ghosts, right? And even when I knew it was him, I thought, well it's not my fault. The Universe just needed him so badly it couldn't exist without him."
She dropped her eyes even lower, and clenched her fists under the table, at her sides. Another deep breath.
"If you meant it. About immortality... then you better disown me and get prepared to hate me worse than Madame Kovarian..."
She snorted quietly, amused again by the lack of her own tears, and drank some more of the plain water.
"Because I'm the Doctor's curse. It wasn't a TimeLord, it wasn't even being a TimeLord. It was me. And I think... I might be why I made him survive the Time War when the other TimeLords didn't. Because Bad Wolf. Because I was selfish and I didn't want him to die."
She glanced away. "I'm... stupid like that. My Dad... I told you about the paradox, right? Or maybe I didn't. I asked the Doctor to take me back to my Dad's death. To let me change history, just a little. So that my Dad wouldn't die alone in the street, with no one around. I used the Doctor's own emotions, the fact that we watched the Earth explode only we were all so busy at the time, no one got to see it, that he watched his own people die, and that he's always alone and..."
She rested her head on the table, cradling it again, bracing herself to be told to get out of Amy's house and life forever.
"I didn't plan to rescue my Dad. The Doctor thought I did, but I didn't. See? That's how stupid I am. I just reacted. I just did what I would have for anyone. I jumped too early, pushed him out of the way, and caused a hole in the space time continuum. Not a crack. A gash. A raw open wound and bacteria was coming in. I caused the end of the universe, because I just wanted to know my Dad--"
She laughed bitterly, unable to fight the gravity enough this time to lift up her head.
"I can't. Can't blame the Doctor for trying to send me back to Pete's Universe. After all that? I mean... really?"
Another bitter laugh that would have been crying too any other day were she not made of stone.
She rubbed her face with stone hands.
"But the way I see it... I gave all that up. Twice, three times, a million more. And I'd never stop doing it for him. The Doctor..." she rolled her hand in a circle, "Of your time and the future, know what I tried to give up. What I tried to do. The Tie Doctor doesn't, and I never told him. But that's part of what made me so mad. Not that he didn't know, but he kept acting like we were inevitable. Like he could take me granted."
She rubbed the back of her neck, head lifted up, debating how much she needed to get ready to run away. "Or use me as an excuse. I asked him what he'd do if Reinette, Madame du Pompadour came, and he said he wouldn't let her in the TARDIS."
She shuddered. "I snapped at that too. Because I know how much he loved her. And even Sunglasses-Guitarist said if he'd stayed much longer in the past with her, I would have flown the TARDIS out to ask him what the hell he was thinking and--"
She shook her head. "That's the thing, right? I wouldn't have. Because if he was happy there... good. I wouldn't evar ask him to bring less people into his life. I was the one beggin' him to take more on board. I asked him to bring Mickey, Adam, Jack, Sarah Jane, I nevar want him to be alone. Especially not usin' me as an excuse for it. Opposite. If he loves people... because he learned from me, from all this mess... then I'm really glad. I am."
It was so weird not to have watery eyes for this. "I hate being jealous, I do. But so what, right? The more he tries to protect me from it, the more he might as well open up a thousand wounds on me and throw acid in them."
Shiver.
"He tells me he loves me, Jack, and Martha all the same. So I won't get jealous." Facepalm. "That worked great, didn' it?"
Annoyed growl. "Then he tries to use me as an excuse not to love more people and -- of course I got mad. And then he keeps actin' as if, I just don't understand that he's going to outlive me when... The only reason he lived at all was me." A deep shudder. "I don't want his life. I don't nuffin' from him. Because that's just it. The ONLY time I ever held back because I thought he might be jealous was with Jack. And I asked him point blank, if he was jealous of me and Jack. And he said no."
As Amy was worried about not being able to keep secrets from the Doctor, the odds were, it might be hard for her to keep secrets from Jack too. Rose folded her hands carefully, thinking harder than ever.
"What he said he felt instead, I dunno. Maybe you and River are right that he's just... that much of a liar." She looked up at the ceiling again.
"Before that first night o' mine here? I would'a said no way. He's not able to tell everything, because there just isn't time, but get him ramblin', and if anythin', he's too honest. To the point of ruinin' his life, and friendships and empires, and everythin'." A sigh. "But what he said he felt for Jack instead made me so mad I told him he should be jealous of Jack. Because I'm not stayin' here for the Doctor. I'm stayin' for Jack. I'm not mad at Tie-Doctor for his future, I'm mad at him for abandonin' Jack, then sayin' he loved me and Jack an' Martha all equally an' I said then he better put his all inta Martha an' Jack and leave me the hell out of it. Because if he thought he could only be with me here because he didn't have to risk anythin', didn't have to worry about his curse of the TimeLords of outlivin' me, then he never had a chance with me here or anywhere."
She glanced away, bracing legs to go.
"Because I fought through everythin' to get back to him. I was willin' to give up everythin'. His future just gave up me." A sad smile, but a smile all the same. She knew it wasn't easy on him. That it hurt, but sometimes hurts aren't the worst thing. "And MetaCrisis... the way I asked them, the Doctor, both the one who gave me up, and his MetaCrisis, I asked--"
A lump in her throat.
She managed to find a way to bite her bottom lip-beak-portion, though just barely.
"When he couldn't rescue me, when I got sealed away the first time, he spent months trying to find cracks. And doing stupid things that got him killed in other dimensions. I solved those, by putting people in his way. People he had to rescue and save. Who'd saved him. Or maybe those were the cracks, and I sealed them. Time's weird like that. But he burned up a star to say goodbye, it was the only thing he could do, send a projection to me at Bad Wolf Bay." Slow breath. Snort. "I told him I loved him. But his time ran out before he could say it back." She clenched her jaw hard. "I asked him the second time at that damned beach, what he was going to say. The Doctor walked away, the MetaCrisis told me and stayed."
She knuckled her forehead in exasperation. "The Tie Doctor here said it so easily. About Jack. Jack who went through worse hell than fifth dimension. Jack who had to be on Earth and deal with aliens and lose his family over and over, who's older than the oldest Doctor, and going to outlive him, and it's all my fault, and all just because--" she blew her cheeks out, "Fixed points scare the bejeezus out of Time Lords and freak them out." A shudder. "Jack who needed me and I couldn't even be there for him, because I never knew. Jack who I will never see again, and if I do, odds are I'm not gonna remember what I did to him--" she bit the inside of her cheek. "Look, and then... I don't know what he did with Martha to make her leave. I think she just wanted to or somethin'. She seemed happy when I met her. And Jack said he's still friends with her, way past what she knows now. So --"
Rose closed her eyes, and slowly got up. "I told Tie Doctor not to waste that. And no matter how much I try to hide how hurt and angry all that stupidity makes me... I'm not very good at it."
She tugged an ear carefully, bemused that her earrings were still there, not stone, but metal. "I know I acted... really badly. I know it was beyond childish, and way out of control, and I am sorry for upsetting everyone. But I am just human, underneath all this stone." She waved a hand over her face. "I spent years thinking all I had to do was find him again. I was so focused on that, I never even realized that I was cursing him to live through things even TimeLords wouldn't survive or regenerate from. I was so focused on the mission, on stopping the darkness from spreading, just finding him, I didn't know that--"
She spread a hand helplessly.
"Like I said, Amy. I cursed him. I cursed him and Jack with nothin' but stupidity and acting in the moment and he said I fixed him. That I made him better. Jack said the same damn thing. But if all I can do for Jack is be there for him... I thought maybe giving Tie-Doctor space would make it better, give him a chance to figure 'imself out, and instead it made him snap all over again."
She chewed her bottom lip in thought. "I guess I'll go. Perch on your roof in case your shadow comes back." She looked up at the ceiling again. "It's funny though. All those times he was suicidal, being stupid, I'd get so mad at him. Never even realized I was just cursing him worse."
A serious look to Amy. "He's not... by your time, yeah? So maybe it's me. Jack said it too. He'd been suicidal because of... things." She rolled her stiff shoulders and wings. "Hell of a thing that. My Mum did some blo-- dangerous stupid stuff in her attempts to find me again. Only common denominator... is me." She clenched her teeth again. "Don't get me wrong Amy, I'm not giving up. I didn't let Jack, and I didn't let the Doctor, that's the whole problem, yeah? That's why they're stuck living. So I'm gonna keep trying, give it my all, no matter what." She clenched a fist tightly. "But I exploded. I felt trapped and I know it's not his fault, but it felt worse than throwing a lit match into a room of open fireworks." She shook her head. "Not excusing it. It was dumb and petty, and I should be better. I just lost all control, all right?"
Amy sat back, listening to all of that, arms crossed. Kovarian was still out there, and she had to deal with that, but this also had to be dealt with, and apparently this would come first. But... with Kovaran she had help. The Doctor, both the one she knew best and sunglasses knew that horrid woman on sight. River knew her better than any of them. Rory knew her. If any of them saw her, they'd take her out. She didn't have to do that alone.
But Rose was coming to her, and that meant this one was on her. Perhaps alone. So she sat and listened, and trusted the others to have her back, even if she hadn't had a chance yet to let them know about the danger. She trusted them, it was that simple, and it would always be that simple. They always each did what they had to do, in the moment, and prioritized on the fly. And honestly, she'd probably know as soon as Rory saw her, he'd storm in here to figure out if she was real or Ganger.... come to think of it...
Okay, after she dealt with Rose, she'd have the Doctor scan her, just to be sure she wasn't Flesh again, herself.
"Done then? My turn to talk? Good. Make sure you're listening then."
She sipped her tea and then set it down so she could stand. She reached out and lifted Rose's chin to look her in the eyes. Tall, okay? "Because clearly you didn't last time, or you just forgot. But, since we were both pretty drunk, I'll give you a pass. This one time."
"What I said is that making someone live for everyone for their responsibilities to the world is a horrible curse. Your stories, Rose? What you just told me? About Jack and the Doctor? And making them survive? That was selfish. You admitted it yourself. Yeah, the world needed them. But if I understood right, you didn't bloody well know that with Jack. You didn't even know that you had done it to him. You just knew that you loved him and didn't want him to be dead. the Doctor? You said yourself your focus was narrowed on getting back to him. It blinded you. Good."
"Look, the Doctor might disagree with me. Most of the world probably will, in the theoretical of course, but I'm looking at the practical, because the potential for immortality isn't a theoretical. Not for us. We run in the Tardis, we run with the Doctor. And immortality runs hand in hand with death as potentialities. We never ever know what will happen to us or those we love, and there is no way to be prepared for everything. So we do the best we can." She shook her head, she was getting off topic. "Anyway. As I was saying, in theory most people might disagree with me, but here it is."
"When it comes to saving people's lives? The motivation of saving the world or the universe is NOTHING compared to selfishness. Be selfish. And you were. Keeping someone alive because they have to be, because everyone else needs them... That's what I said was a curse. And it is. Because that's responsibility and pressure. Because that's telling them that everything that goes wrong in the universe after that point is their fault because you brought them back to fix it and they failed. THAT'S a curse, Rose Tyler."
"Refusing to let someone die, because YOU need them? Because you love them? Because their being gone would leave a gaping hole in your chest that you'll never recover from? That's selfish, that's wonderful, and that's powerful. That's love. Lots of people live for responsibility, because they have to. Horrible way to live. But to live for love? That's the best way to live, Rose. That's one of the things he needs from us. Love. He needs someone who looks at him and doesn't see a hero or an ancient enemy. Someone who will save him over the universe, so that he has to find a way to save the universe without losing himself."
This was so much easier, sober.
She lifted her tea and took a sip, then a breath, careful to do those in the proper order.
"I held a gun to the Doctor's head once." To River's more than once, but those were NOT moments she was proud of. "He... he stepped over a line figuratively, making someone else step over a line literally. He decided to give over a war criminal to the person who was after him for revenge, to just let him die. Another doctor, from another world, who had darkness in his past but was trying to make good in his present. The Doctor... I think he saw himself in doctor Jex. Even beyond both of them being alien doctors who gave their friends on Earth tech a bit ahead of their time. I told you, no one hates the Doctor more than he hates himself, I meant it. I got the Doctor to back off, let Jex come back into the safe ring around the town. I'm not going to say if Jex needed to be punished or not. That wasn't what mattered. What mattered is that the Doctor didn't set him up to be executed because he thought that was what he deserved himself. That the Doctor didn't take a life he didn't need to take."
"I wouldn't have shot the Doctor. Not a chance. Well... not in the head. But he would have handled the betrayal and an injury better than he would have handled living with one more death on his account. Especially if he saw it as justice and saw it as himself. I wouldn't let him do that, I wouldn't let him cement in himself that he is someone who needs to be punished, who needs to be killed. Love doesn't mean...." she stopped and shook her head.
"I lost my point again. Sorry. Look, thing is.... why matters. Why always matters. And why makes the difference. You did what you did, you didn't curse them to live for the universe, you saved them, for yourself. Now... ideally, you save someone because they WANT to be saved. That's the best, but saving them because you love them and want to be with them? Even if the universe rips you apart after? That's beautiful. These weren't strangers on the street that you decided weren't allowed to die. These weren't distant heroes you didn't know that you cursed to live forever so they could stay heroes. Living for that? That's a sacrifice. Living for the people you love? That's called life. Not wanting to let someone go? That's all of us."
She shook her head. "If I had the power to save Rory any of the times he died, you think for even a SECOND I'd think about the cost? I'd do it. No hesitation. Even if the cost was my own life and he begged me not to. I'm that selfish. I don't want a world without him in it. Not for the sake of the world, but for the sake of myself. The universe ERASED him. It should have been impossible to remember he existed. And yet I saw things that had been his or ours and I felt sad, so sad. I felt the absence of him. I missed him enough that I brought him back. The Doctor sacrificed himself, unmade himself, to save the universe. And I needed him so much, I brought him back. From nothing. Through those cracks. You're not the only one who has saved that man from things even a Timelord should not have survived, Rose."
"But we did it for the same reason. Because he's one of the people we love most in this or any world. If you're guilty, then so am I. I'd bet every companion of his ever is guilty of saving him. If we're not horrible for that, neither are you. You didn't save him because his work wasn't done. You saved him because you couldn't stand a universe without him."
That was that. But there were other things to be addressed.
"Moving on. Genocide. Killing all the Daleks? Okay, easy fix there. You can feel better about that, and so can he. It's impossible to kill all the Daleks. Has to be. Because no matter what there always ALWAYS seem to be more. I've met insane Daleks, I've seen Daleks serving tea to Winston Churchill, by the way, if you ever meet him, watch your copy of the Tardis key, and his hands." She shook her head. Off topic, again. "Daleks are like Weeping Angels, I think. No matter how much you think you might have killed them all, you never have. So it is never genocide, killing them. Can't be. Does that mean killing them is either right or wrong? Not saying that, not judging because how could I judge? It's like judging a pride of lions for killing a gazelle or something. Yeah, you might want to save the gazelle and not saying that's wrong. But the lions are lions, it's who and what they are. We're allowed to defend ourselves and those we love. The Daleks sometimes threaten that. And we clash... Would we be safer if they didn't exist? Or the Weeping Angels? Or the...." Or the...what? What was she thinking of? A shudder went through her, but she couldn't figure out why. "Probably," she said, moving on. Trying to ignore the creeping sensation that she had about to say something important. But it was gone now.
"So I can see wanting to wipe them all out. There have been moments I have wanted too. When that Dalek in the museum...." she pursed her lips and shook her head. "But you know what? Other side of the coin? If not for the Daleks, I'd never have met Churchill, and Bracewell never would have existed, and the others... and they helped save me when Kovarian kidnapped me.We grow stronger facing adversity, we grow together that way. And the Daleks? They're like a virus in the body of the universe. And yeah, we all want to wipe them out, maybe, but we get stronger when we heal, don't we?" That wasn't the point she was trying to make. She shook her head.
"Point is... you and he can both take that guilt off your consciousness. Because neither of you have wiped out all of them, and even wanting to... that impulse isn't necessarily wrong. It's human. He hates to admit it, but secretly, I think we rub off on him, that he becomes a bit more human when he spends time with us. The good and the bad. I've seen him after he's had time alone, and I've seen him after he runs with us. He says we look Timelord, but the more time he spends with us, the more human he looks to me. And if he's going to be more like us, we need to be more there for him."
She swallowed. "I...I told the Doctor that I know best, the one I run with at home... that I'd stay away from his younger self," she said softly. "So I didn't hurt him again. The way he looked at me when I first arrived... I could see the pain, and I was stubborn and I was selfish and I chose to make him like me, to end the pain that way, instead of avoiding him so he didn't have it feel it at all. And when I told him that... he told me not to. Not to avoid him, any him. Just to get better at keeping the spoilers in. And I will, I'll try. For his sake. Because I never want to see someone I love hurt that much again."
A deep breath, then she reached out and took Rose's hand. "You and I... let's make a deal, shall we? If I think I'm going to blurt out what I shouldn't, I'll think of you, and come and tell you instead. If you're there and I start to say what I shouldn't, you have my permission to pull me out of there. Stop me. But in exchange... your temper frays... you come to me first. We work together to figure out what is and is not safe to say to him, and in front of him. Not for our sakes, but for his. And if I see you about to lose it, I pull you out."
"We can do that? For him?"
There was still so much they had to talk about. Why Rose lost it. River. Jack. So much but this... this was a start. And a start was all anyone ever had. Because every start... led to the next. At least, ideally.
Rose nodded numbly, wings hunched over head and shoulders as she was prepared to be lectured or told out of the woman she'd adopted as a daughter's life, or worse. She crouched down lower, like a real gargoyle as Amy spoke when she reached up, to make it easier for Amy too.
As Amy explained, Rose wanted to cry. Relief, anguish, just so much sorrow. Be selfish, it was better for her to have saved them through sheer selfishness than because the universe needed them? She could almost laugh at that. And where she not a gargoyle, she would have been bawling, but she just crowds Amy in a hug all the same.
She let go of the hug and blinked in surprise as Amy explained about the time she held a gun to the Doctor's head. Rose couldn't imagine doing that... ever. No matter how mad at him she got. Hell, the one time she'd really verbally slapped him nearly as bad or worse than her explosion was because he pointed a gun at her. Still, she listened without judgement.
Rose nodded slowly that the Doctor would have handled the injury and betrayal better than having an execution on his head. It was true. Definitely.
Stone ears flicked at 'love doesn't mean...' she wanted to know the rest of the sentence, but Amy was trying to get herself back on track, so she'd wait patiently, out of respect for Amy giving her the chance to ramble for so long and through so much. She wanted to cry again, that Amy didn't think Rose was in the wrong for what she did. She wondered if that was how Jack felt when Rose said she was glad he asked Ianto to stay with him. It was confusing, so bewildering, a relief she didn't think she deserved, but she was still glad to have it and it warmed her from the inside out. She rubbed her eyes all the same, still confused at how dry they were.
"Yeah," she finally spoke, "Yeah, I don't want a universe without him."
It felt so obvious and yet good to finally say. She hadn't spent three years in her own private hell for nothing. And at least... yeah, she still had Meta-Doctor. Which was confusing, and she didn't know how to deal with, but it was all right. And maybe she hadn't moved on yet -- far from it -- and it didn't help that Tie-Doctor was still Meta Doctor too...
But she'd figure it out. With their help.
As for genocide and daleks? She nodded slowly. She knew that. AMY knew that, so why didn't the Doctor? Maybe he used it as a reason to hate himself. Or maybe it was the only thin line he could use to keep from melting down.
Rose's stone face scrunched in confusion, "Dalek in a museum?" she asked, thinking of her only regret, actually letting, actually telling the dalek to kill itself because it couldn't handle being something more than a killing machine, something else, something... different. Daleks couldn't love though, and the Doctor definitely could. And Jack, obviously did.
She went blank for a bit about the rest, but scrunched all over again about rubbing off on him. "We need to be his friends, not weapons though. That's what Davros called us. Davros made the daleks, experimented on his family and yanno. Like Nazi scientists basically. But worse." A small shiver at the memory of his exposed ribcage, cell by cell.
Rose hugged Amy again and rested her forehead to her "daughter's." "Amy no, don't avoid him, he'd never want that." She held Amy's hand back, "Okay, yeah. I don't know how to... be in love with him and still help him be his best anymore, yeah?" She swallowed thickly, closing her eyes. "Sunglasses Doctor told me he could never be as brave and strong as Meta Doctor. Admit what Meta did..." it was a relief not to be crying, but it was still strange. And the hurt hadn't diminished any either. "But then Tie Doctor did it so flippantly and casually, and I know he didn't know why it hurt me, but at the time, he still --" she choked up.
"I don't know if I can do it," she admitted softly, all but bawling, admitting something she'd only have told Jack or her mother. "Your Doctor, with the bowtie, even said nothing could stop me from being me. And he's right. I mean..." she spread a hand helplessly. "Jack, saving him and the Doctor out of bein' selfish... yeah." She leaned her head against Amy's again. "I want Tie Doctor to not waste his chance with Jack and Martha here. If he thinks-- even if he was lying about the way he loves them, I don' care. I need him to give them his all, and I don't think he will so long as he thinks he has to worry about me and my jealousy, and I don't know how to give him that room other than backin' off, and when I do, he hates it and makes himself miserable instead. I don't know what to do."
A quiet gulp, "And... And I definitely can't stand Bowtie actin' like... he's gotta hide stuff from me when--" she whined in the back of her throat. "I'd rather he just was open about it. I'll keep it from Tie Doctor, I never told him about River. But if he or Sunglasses acts like they gotta tiptoe around my feelin's it just makes me a billion times worse. I mean, I am jealous of River, but not for --" a weary sigh and in something she'd normally only tell her younger self, "I can't even flirt with him without feelin' like it's hurtin' him or someone else. Yanno, it-- when it was just me and Jack and the Doctor, it drove me nuts then because I couldn't flirt with either of 'em because Jack and I thought the Doctor would get jealous and I don't even know anymore if he was or wasn't, because Tie-Doctor's a liar too."
Deep breath, closed eyes. "So I called up Micks and --"
She needed to sit. She put Amy back in a chair and poured them both more tea and heated the pot again.
"We was gonna go to a hotel, on'y, he was tellin' me about this girl Trish Delaney --" She softly bit her bottom lip. She told Sunglasses Doctor about it and that was bad enough. "When the Doctor first returned me, we got back a year late, and Mickey was pulled in for questioning by the police four times, and people thought he'd killed me or somethin'. So when I came back, girls were startin' to ask him out again. And Mickey had cancelled plans with her just because I called and--" Rose glanced away.
"I hate that. I can't live with that on my conscience. I know I'm the best, but I mean..." She held the teacup carefully in both hands and huffed softly. "But they have to know it too. Want it. Or it don't count. And I don't mean..." She rolled the red eyes in a circle. "That the Doctor shouldn't get married or nuffin' stupid." She sipped her tea, annoyed that it was pure water again. She definitely had made it tea this time, she was sure of it. Even added sweetener!
"When my Dad died, my Mum still dated, and I wanted her to find happiness with someone new, but I mean... the second she saw Pete, even from another universe," Rose snapped her fingers. "They were right back together. I don't resent River Song, I'm really really glad for her, yeah? And you, and Rory. More than I can ever express," she smiled softly. "And Martha married Micks, my Mickey in Jack's time," another eyeroll, "And the Doctor don't get it at all. Sunglasses just went into a thing of how he's not my Mickey, but he absolutely is, and Bowtie was just like," Rose spread a hand, miming the Doctor, "'We were both 'orrible to him, Rose,' which was nevar my point."
She facepalmed wearily and dragged the stone hand down her face.
"I can't be myself an' hold back at the same time," she sighed. "I already said, I'm not givin' up Jack for nuffin'. I should have been there for him all along, and I'd have wanted to if I'd known, and I don't even ... know that I'd go to Pete's Universe, even for Meta, even though he needs me because--" she faltered entirely, red eyes managing to cloud over despite still glowing dry. "Jack was always there for me. No matter what. Even when the Doctor wasn't. Maybe all I can give him is myself and that's still worth it to me, just tryin'."
She shook her head. "I know it confuses him, the Doctor, because he's an idiot. He thinks he knows everythin', and he definitely doesn't know people at all>," huff. "But it's not like I'd ever expect Jack to stop flirtin' with everyone else," she wrinkled her nose and laughed, "Ugh, I'd probably slap him and tell him to stop bein' weird if he even tried," another laugh and she shook her head, smiling fondly for a moment, and closed her eyes.
"Tie Doctor acts like..." she rolled her hand in a circle. "The reverse of Mickey. Instead of not goin' out with Trisha Delaney so he could come runnin' to me, he runs off with Madame du Pompadour, then lies and says he's fine, then lies and says he wouldn't want her in the TARDIS, or worse, says he wouldn't want her in the TARDIS now because," she mimed airquotes with her fingers, "'He has to draw the line somewhere,' or worse, because he assumes I'll be jealous -- which I'm not sayin' I wouldn't be, but so what if I am? If it's gonna stop him, it should be like me and Jack. Me and Jack before here thought he was jealous as hell. We didn't want to make him jealous. Not because he'd do something about it, but just because we love him. That's it." She set the teacup down and dusted her hands. "Simple. Instead he works himself up and makes 'imself miserable, and makes me miserable, and I don't know how to deal with it!" another huff and wolfish puff despite the gargoyle body.
And then out of habit capitalized Me and had to fix it.
She listened again, hugged back at the hug, and sat, though she was less than pleased about having been PUT in her seat like she was a child.
"Let's start with a hard truth, Rose, one you see, to keep failing to get. It seems to be at the root of so much of the pain you put yourself and him through."
"You're not the best." She said the words flatly, and in an argument that welcomed NO argument.
"You're not. I'm not. Rory's not, River's not. The Doctor is not. You want to forget anything you forget that word even exists it, just lose it. Because right now, Rose, that word is a knife with a blade for a hilt and you keep stabbing people with it. slicing yourself deepest of all. Best is a word with no real meaning. We both know better than that, or we should. Use it as a saying or a phrase or whatever, and we get the meaning. But you gave it a new meaning. The way Davros and Kovarian and whoever else might say that the Doctor turns us into weapons, you've weaponized best. It's not a weapon, Rose. It's a word. A word that has NO MEANING."
She shook her head and stood again, walking to behind her own chair, so she could lean on it, closing her hands over the chair back.
"Best means better than everyone else. Even if you qualify it with an 'at what' it's still nonsense and you've seen enough of the universe to know that. The Tardis does that. We see that every limit we ever imagined has been shattered. A hundred times over. A thousand. You think your home town is the best, then you see the galaxy. And you say, 'okay, no... this is the best.' And then the Tardis shows you something that blows that away. Maybe you think Aruba has the best beach. Then the Doctor takes you to Space Florida. It has automatic sand. It's wonderful. But you call it the best and you either blind yourself to what comes next, or you challenge the Doctor and the Tardis to prove you wrong. To find something better."
"There is no best. You and I, neither of us is the best, neither of I is better or worse than the other. We just are. So put that word in the rubbish bin where it belongs, walk away from it, and never go back. Because all you're doing with that word is hurting." Herself and others.
"And don't ever, ever try to tell the Doctor how to feel about whom. Not only doesn't he need our permission, but he's likely to take to that about as well as a child being told not to touch the oven, for his own sake. He's liable to burn down the house just to prove he can make his own choices when no one is looking to stop him. Or he'll break himself trying to do what he thinks you want. And he'll never learn how to cook."
"As to what the Doctor can and can't do at any given moment... it changes. As it does for us. I don't know what changed when, I'm not there. But if he can be open about love? Good. That's good. Be glad of it, not upset by it, Rose." She pushed away from the chair, pacing a bit in a tight circle, since the kitchen was only so big. Then she pulled the fridge door open and dug around and started pulling out fruit and vegetables. She set them on the counter. Then she washed an apple, and took a knife to it for just a moment. She set her work on the table in front of Rose. The apple now had a very simple face cut into it.
"This once saved the world," she said, simply. "My world, and the Earth itself. Could the Doctor have saved the world with an apple at any other time? Maybe. Maybe not. But I could see him thinking it is not something he could do, if he knew the context had shifted. Never presume to know what he can or can't do, because he doesn't know it himself."
She left the apple there, and then went to start washing carrots, thinking, and talking as she worked. She needed to do something productive with her hands while she talked, so she was going to start dinner. Soup and a fruit pie.
"You know what I think? I think you don't need to back off of him, or them, or push him at them. What you need to do is grow up." She said it the way she would have said to anyone she loved. A hard truth. "The Jealousy, it's like best. It's only going to hurt. You and them, but you most. Jealousy...."
She stopped washing to think about how she wanted to say this, and then she turned around, picking up a large knife as she did. When Jealousy gets bad enough, what you're doing is this..." She flipped the blade, pressing it to her own chest. "You're holding a knife there, and putting your hands over theirs, forcing them to push. It's horribly cruel to them, and worse to yourself." She set the knife back on the counter. "You need to get over it. And we can help, but help is all we can do. Because these are things you need to fight within yourself."
"So a few truths. He has two hearts, Rose. He has so much more capacity for love than either of us ever could. Literature is filled with humans who are in love with more than one person at a time. So why can't he be? And who are we to say he's wrong? Lots of cultures have poly relationships as the norm, and it works for them. It's not for me, or for Rory, but that's something we came to together. And he used to have jealousy issues like anything, Rose. But he got over them and I know you can too. But you have to be willing to stop stabbing yourself in the chest."
"And I'm sorry if this hurts, but it's all I can think of to help," she said, turning back to the sink to start peeling the carrots. "You've pushed that knife in so deep, all I can do is pull it out and help stop the bleeding. But you need to be the one to decide not to put it back in. The Doctor loves you. He loves River. And Martha. And Jack. And me. And Rory. And Brian. And the Tardis. And hundreds if not millions of people neither of us have ever met. Vastra. Jenny. Strax, maybe. He loves. His capacity to love could swallow whole galaxies. And it's part of what balances his hate." She put the carrot she peeled into a bowl and went after the next. "Don't think of his love as something painful or something you have to understand and quantify, think of it as something we need to nurture and cherish. Love that he loves you, and love that he loves them, and us. Because his love has made each and every one of us better. But it's also made him better. Loving us is how he heals his wounds and the reason he keeps himself going. For us. Never minimize that."
"As for flirting?" She glanced back at her, still peeling. "Flirting happens. Snogging happens. Unless it goes further, what's the harm. I flirted with and offered to snog a girl at the bar the other night, the second to increase her tips and see Rory squirm. Flirting and snogging is for fun. I'd snog you for a laugh, but maybe not till your lips are lips again, yeah?" she asked turning to wave a carrot in a circle motion around the beak. "So long as you're not snogging stone, flirting and snogging only hurt in one way... that knife again. Throw it away and no one is hurt by it."
"And I don't know about when you were in the Tardis, but my experience, the Doctor is always hiding something. He likes to think he's being mysterious. And sometimes..." she shook her head. Months he knew she was pregnant, wasn't really there... and how long had he remembered Rory before she did, and never said anything too obvious, letting her find out on her own. But both times he had used that time, working where she didn't see, so that when she found out, he was ready to fix things as best he could.
"Let him be mysterious. When he wants to share with us. He will. As for living with that thing with Micks on your conscience, it happened, so you'll have to. But you know what? Sounds like he wound up alright after all, so maybe Trish wasn't the one for him. Because he left her hanging for you, instead of bringing her along. I chose Rory, I love him, I married him. No question. But if the Doctor or River called and needed me? I'd come running, but I'd take Rory with me. Betcha if we were back home and you called him now, hey you made it back to your right universe, he'd come running. And Martha would be right there with him." she had turned again, gestured with the carrot, took a bite out of it, then made a face. But she wasn't the Doctor, she made herself chew and swallow, rather than spitting it out.
"The Doctor has never known everything." She said once she swallowed. She tossed the carrot into the bowl and moved onto the next. "The way we deal with it, is together. We get rid of your knife, and we get rid of his. Then the two of you can stop stabbing each other, and maybe he can come to terms with the fact that River, Rory and I exist."
"No," Rose stood up, more annoyed than ever and had to set down her cup of tea, though her wings were set into a steadfast stubborn position, giving away her emotions even more than the glowing red eyes.
"We are the best. I didn't say that! He did!" It was important to her. She held onto it when all else failed. "He only takes the best. Why do you think I was worried about him leaving Meta --"
She trembled, suddenly realizing why being left behind had hurt her so much. More than just the other reasons she thought.
Her voice softened, "It's not about being better than others, it's not about competition, or anything stupid. It's about being our best. About tryin' our best. About not givin' up, about 'avin' hope and givin' it to 'im when he needs it too."
She shook her head. Even now as a gargoyle, the first thought that came to her mind was a pet owner and a pack of dogs. She didn't want to think like that. Never had wanted to. That was why she was jealous. Because she hated sharing.
There was a quiet snort at the idea of the Doctor burning down the kitchen just to prove he could. "I already promised Tie Doctor I won't push him with Martha, but don't tell me she doesn't deserve better than to be used as an excuse for him to keep me or others at arm's length--!" she started to snarl, and blinked at the movements around the kitchen. Red eyes narrowed darkly at being told to grow up.
She let Amy finish and growled irritably, holding up a hand. "You don't get it, all right? I'm not jealous that he loves others. I want him to. I'm not jealous that he has other friends, past, future, and present." Red eyes flashed furiously. "I'm jealous that I want adventures with him right here and now! I'm jealous that he--" She choked on her own words angrily, wings flexing and tightening, unsure what position to take.
"Love isn't an emotion. It's a promise. Like the name you give yourself. He knows what mine is, what mine meant." She was thick and dark with emotion, but angry enought not to be crying even if she was human at least.
"I can't just--"
She pinched the bridge between her eyes as best as she could, trying to think of the words. "I don't know how it is for TimeLords, and neither do you. I don't want him to love less, and I'm sure as hell not going to push him into anything, I'm not that nice," she growled furiously. "But being the best, means giving it my all. And maybe that's a knife jabbed right here!" Rose aimed her own claws at her heart without stabbing herself. "But I don't know any other way to be! And the more he thinks he can half-ass anything to do with me, the more he's going to get hurt. Ask Jack what it means to be in love with me, but it doesn't mean I can keep standing by him watching him hurt himself! You said yourself, the Doctor will always do that! The last thing I need is to let him use me to do it!!"
And with that she stormed out, desperately needing to get outside into the night air and fly away.
Amy frowned deeply, watching her go. She had made things worse, not better. River.... Well, River had rights to be ticked at her, especially since she was now going to have to borrow another gun and buy a replacement for the first. And... And Rose might have just flown out of her life, forever. Because Rose wasn't actually her child. Because Rose didn't have to come back. Like Link didn't.
She went to the table, got the apple and peeled it, erasing the face, before cutting it up and putting it in a bowl for the pie. She went upstairs, left a note for River, and borrowed another gun, and tucked it into her waistband. She needed to call and warn everyone else. About everything. But she was too angry now. Too hurt. Too upset. Too everything. She picked up another fruit to peel and quarter. An apple. Frustrated, she threw it in the sink, where it bounced against a knife, sending it flying.
Amy cried out as the blade nicked her skin at the back of her neck. How the knife flipped out of the sink and off her head, she'd never know. But the wound wasn't deep, and by the time she finished attending to it, she was calmer at least.
Well. Somewhat. No one had better comment on the fact that the soup and pie had small BITS of fruit and veg, rather than chunks.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
im_with_stupid) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
genessia2017-10-16 12:21 pm
The first Fear - OTA
She told the Doctor. She knew it. SHE KNEW it. Amy ran back into the house, and into River's room. She'd apologize to River later. For the gun she was taking. And for not calling River to get a shot in on Kovarian herself. But there was no time, and more than revenge, Amy wanted answers.
Gun in hand, she ran out of the house, and spotted Kovarian again on a nearby roof. Watching Amy with that smile. That face that peered through reality. Amy didn't hide her motions. Kovarian didn't seem concerned. Amy managed to climb a fire escape without putting down the gun. She was shaking from fear, anger, exertion. But she approached Kovarian, bringing the gun up.
"Rose," she said, her voice rough. The gun shook in her hand. She put the other hand up to try and steady it. She stepped forward. Kovarian calmly stepped back.
"I know you have Rose. I know that's not her, that you sent a Ganger. But Rose is too strong, so her Ganger is too. She broke through. She's not Rose." Another step forward, another step back. "Give us Rose back, her and her baby. You're done, Kovarian." Another forward, another back. "I'm not afraid of you," she lied. Another step forward, Kovarian stepped back calmly again.
"I killed you once, I can do it again." Not a lie. Another step forward, another step back. They were getting closer to the edge of the roof, neither seemed to notice.
"You're done turning people into weapons. You're done using the Doctor's friends to hurt him. You're done hurting anyone. Give us back Rose and her baby, now."
Kovarian simply stepped back, off the roof. She stood on the air as if it were more roof. Amy, stepping forward, seemed unaware she was getting closer to the edge. She pulled back the hammer on the gun. "You stole my daughter, you're not stealing her and hers!" Another step closer....
Re: The first Fear - OTA
Amy had that much faith in her.
Why?
She certainly hadn't earned it. It seemed like lately the more she learned, the less she could hold it all in.
The stone wings buffeted forward pushing Amy down and knocking the phantom fear back, however temporarily.
"You give me too much credit," Rose growled as a gargoyle, but hugged the woman tightly, the daughter, Amy, that Rose never knew until here. "I was just being a real arse. No monsters causing it. But don't worry Amy, I won't let anyone hurt your baby." River Song. The Doctor's wife. It was a hell of a headtrip.
Re: The first Fear - OTA
"I... I don't know what's going on here, but I will not let anyone hurt my friends and my family. Not again. Not ever again." She was trying to get up and raise the gun, trying not to look away from Kovarian, sure the woman would vanish and torment someone else as soon as she looked away....
Re: The first Fear - OTA
A small sigh and she buffeted her wings up so that if the phantom was going to hurt them, it'd have to shred her wings, much as she loved flying.
"You've done good Amy. It's my turn to protect you now, Sweetheart."
Re: The first Fear - OTA
The Phantom just stood there, smiling where she would always be in Amy's line of sight.
"I can kill her again! I can! I won't let her hurt River or the Doctor or you... No one else. Never again! NEver again!" Her voice turned shrill as hot tears flew from her eyes.
Re: The first Fear - OTA
Re: The first Fear - OTA (OUCH, Amy)
She's in something close to a panic.
(It was deserved XDDD)
"Come on. Let's get some tea, yeah?" Rose sighed and dragged a clawed hand down her face.
"Amy... you've seen the Doctor at his worst, yeah? Or if not worst, definitely very very low. When you first met me, you thought I was him. Are you really so surprised my worsts would be as dramatic as his? 'Cept he implodes... I definitely exploded."
She kept her arm and wings around the woman. "Come on," she gently lifted Amy and nudged toward the roof ledge this time. "Tea. We can even put whiskey in it if ye like."
It so very much was. :D
The rest of what Rose said would process... later. Right now Kovarian had the majority of Amy's attention.
no subject
Some thoughts:
1) Madame Kovarian was likely part of whatever had turned Rose into a gargoyle. Otherwise she wouldn't have let Amy know she was around, and certainly wouldn't be on the roof, she'd just be trying to reprogram River into homicide.
2) Rose might have also set off that fear a bit more by mentioning it so flippantly offhand to throw it in the Doctor's face, even if she'd been more angry and hurt about the fixed point portion, fixed points were intangible and not usually physically manifested into the embodiment of a person like Jack. Or whatever they did to River.
3) Which meant "Madame Kovarian" could be a monster feeding on fears and anxieties.
4) Or a physical manifestation of anxieties the way her brain had hyperlooped on that one planet with the Doctor and Jack where she kept thinking the Doctor was leading her on adventure, but it was just a hallucination... basically.
5) Which also meant trying to kill her would only make it worse.
6) Talking logic was for wusses. Action was where it was at, and it wasn't like anyone could have spoken logic to Rose when she had her breakdown.
7) Amy was scared, angry, hurting, and as much as Rose wanted to break whatever was being done to cause that, right now, that meant being strong and not broken too.
So Rose just carefully picks Amy up in the overly strong gargoyle arms, spreads her wings to cut off Amy's vision and hops off the roof, using the wings to glide down gently, and leads her back inside. It's likely that Madame Kovarian would follow, after all, it'd pushed Amy up onto the roof somehow, but for now, it'll buy her time.
Still keeping a wing around Amy to cut off her vision, Rose set about carefully making tea. Could gargoyles drink tea? Well she was going to find out. --> Spoilers: every time she tried to drink, it would purify all liquids back to water. Oops.
"Hey. So you know, when I was a child, I used to have this really bad recurring nightmare yeah? Pretty much like the one I was havin' right when I first got here. Only it wasn't the Doctor disappearin', it was my Mum." Rose quietly takes the gun away, crushing the nozzle in her grip and puts it in a drawer.
"And the more it scared me, the worse it got. The more I'd think about it and get worried about it and that meant it could haunt me more."
She had no idea how Amy liked her tea. Honey? Black? Whiskey? She got out a bit of everything for Amy to mix as she pleased, still keeping one wing around the woman, and having to be careful not to knock anything over with the other.
"But the only way to get rid of it... was to ignore it. It's not easy to do, that! I basically had to make friends with it. Realize the fear was there because my Dad died before I could even understand it, and I knew how much it hurt my Mum, how much it worried on her, and in a way, her fear became mine, yeah? But to protect my Mum, I had to be strong right back."
Rose sat down carefully and moved her chair right next to Amy's so she could wrap a protective arm around her as well, both wings shielding them now.
"See the thing about fear? It's good. It makes you stronger, sharper, smarter, faster. It helps you survive. The worst thing you can do is let it control you, you just gotta be usin' that fear to save yer life. Madame Kovarian is scary, but you know who's scarier?" Rose rested her head against Amy's. "You are. Because you're smart enough to be afraid. She can't control you. She can't trap or hurt anyone here, because you're smart enough to make her irrelevant. Whatever creature is pretending to be her, not a granger, but somethin' else, I bet. It wants you to try to kill her. It needs that. Either to hurt you, or hurt the Doctor. So you know what we're going to do?" She gently kissed Amy's forehead, not knowing the Doctor had done the same thing to Amy a number of times too.
"Nothing." Red eyes glowed in bemusement, and she kept up the hug with one arm and both wings, as she quietly handed Amy a cup of tea. "We're going to make it frustrated. Because I won't let it hurt you, and that'll make you stronger than it. Whatever it's feedin' on, it'll waste away. It's gonna get worse before it goes, but it'll be like my nightmare, 'bout the Doctor or my Mum." Rose snapped a pair of stone claws like a finger snap although it sounded weird, of course. "The way to get rid of it, is to not let it do what it wants. Ignore it. Be bettar than it, be so much stronger, it just becomes irrelevant. It'll still be there, but it won't be able to do anything. We won't let it win, yeah?"
no subject
But she didn't follow them inside. Amy tried to find a way to get around the wing, to get back out there, when she realized what Rose was doing. "Tea? She's out there spying on us, plotting whatever she's plotting and you're making...."
And then the full image caught up to Amy and she went pale. She didn't see gargoyle. She saw stone. Wings. Some might read that as gargoyle, perhaps, a stone person with wings. But to Amy that equation had only ever meant one thing.
"You..looked into its eyes..." she whispered, horrified.
She didn't really notice Rose taking the gun, though she would notice later. She would especially notice that she broke it... later. For now... it was hard enough to process that Rose was speaking. Or was it like Bob? Was this Angel Rose? "Close your eyes!" she said, hoping it wasn't too late. She had to call the Doctor. Bow tie. Or glasses. One of the ones who would remember what she remembered, what the universe had forgotten.
"Stop. Just... Just stop talking..." she said, her voice slipping into that cold almost deadly calm veneer it gets only in the worst of times. The way she had spoken to River and Rory after watching the astronaut kill the Doctor. "Stop talking. That doesn't matter now." It did, but this was more urgent.
"I'm going to call the Doctor... he saved me from this... he can save you." Her voice still had that deathly stillness to it, a crust over the trembling pain and fury and terror boiling inside her.
no subject
Rose doesn't know whether to talk or to be silent.
Finally, in a low gravely voice, "Amy. I'm right here. The Doctor fixed it so I can still talk, and he's working on an antidote. The werewolf Doctor. Tie-Doctor."
She tsked quietly, and pushed her hair back with a clawed stone hand. "This happened to me once before. In San Francisco. He saved me then, he'll save me now." She nodded even more quietly. "Waking up in Nova did this. Seems it's something different for each city. Koishi got a cute costume. Didja get to meet her?" she hoped to distract the redhead. Talking to her... semi-normally since that was the only way to get through to Rose when Rose was panicking too. "She was at the party. All smiles and charm. She said she's already a monster, she's a youkai, yeah? So she said it's nice for everyone else to be scary instead."
no subject
"How are you moving?" she asked, her voice low, quiet, but with restrained energy that could turn into shouting for the Doctor at any moment. "I'm looking at you, how are you moving?" she asked, trying to back away slowly without looking away from Rose's chin.
no subject
Quiet again, thinking about it. She had a lot recently, mostly because of Jack, but there was something else she couldn't quite put her finger on. UNIT? Torchwood? Cyberman? Jealousy over her Doctor and sharing him with another woman.... yeah probably that. Ugh and that hadn't even been romantically. The Storm Asylum... something about that tickled her brain but again, she couldn't figure it out.
"We went and put a stop to it, me, the Doctor, and Jack, but one of my friends got stuck as a gargoyle and time traveled to the 1980s and UNIT shot him."
An amused snort. "Tranquilizer, but airgun bullets." She flicked her own stone-ish arm with a claw. "Takes a bit to get through this, don't it?"
no subject
no subject
"I mean... could be worse." She sucked on the finger quietly. "When Dean -- my friend, right? When he got transformed... the Doctor said he was losin' his mind and memories. And also... they shot him, like I said."
She carefully tapped Amy's shoulder with a wing and delicatedly poked the red-head's cheek with with it. "Gargoyle wings, not feathery. Erm, not even yanno stone-feathery. Leathery like gargoyles."
She pointed at her eyes, "They look all red and glow-y, right? Yeah???" A small sigh and she glanced away again, "That happened in San Francisco. To a bunch of others, before me. The Doctor got a distress call on the psychic paper and you know he loves answerin' those, so..." a shrug, and Rose glanced back. "If ye wanna punch me, I suggest waitin' all right?"
no subject
Another breath.
"Fine, why are you a gargoyle?"
no subject
"I don't know. Same reason Fluffy's a werewolf, I expect. He's going to find a cure so I don't get stuck though. Like I said, he did it before, he will again. And sonic'ed me so I don't get worse. And can still talk. And can remember stuff."
no subject
no subject
Rose frowns, thinking it through carefully.
Rose was a gargoyle, the Tie Doctor was a werewolf, and she hadn't checked on the other two Doctors yet. Amy's house was haunted(??) but Rose was pretty sure still that Madame Kovarian was not a real newcomer. Which left those other options as to what it was, but...
She scrunched her face up and wrinkled her nose, laughing softly. "That wouldn't be a very good one. Making the Doctor like Mr. Hyde to his Doctor Jekyll?" she snorted quietly. "And being a gargoyle is a super power. Flying, extra strong, crazy durable."
She frowned thoughtfully again, "I don't know what it is yet. But I don't think the lady you wanted to shoot and me turning gargoyle-y and the Doctor into a werewolf is disconnected. Like I said, the time in San Francisco was caused by a punchgate. Chaos instability -- I had to deal with that kind of... alternate realities in the fifth dimension, right? Same with like... ghosts. And she acts more like that. I mean--" Rose used the stone claws to mime air quotes, "They're not really 'ghosts' but yanno... ghosts."
Her half grin dropped even deeper, looking more like the Doctor than ever.
"Hazarding a guess, I'd say whatever's haunting you is preying on your mind and emotions. At worst... it's an atmospheric thing like these microbes on one planet that got inside people's brains and fed on fiction. Lies, creativity. That kinda thing. Maybe you let your emotions take over and you get turned into somethin'. Dunno. It'd explain me and Tie-Doctor. We've been the most high-strung and overloaded of all of us, yeah?"
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
It made sense. The emotions got too much, they turned into monsters with only a half grip on sanity.
"Or," The red glowing eyes darkened and focused on Amy seriously, "If it is an attack, it's trying to push into overload. Maybe it feeds on violence. You know there's whispers about that's how we get stuck here. That maybe the realm itself feeds on our existence. Either way Amy, I know it's going to be hard, but I meant what I said before, you're going to have to try to ignore her and show her you won't be pushed into what she wants. If you love the Doctor enough to be mad at me on his behalf, good, but use that to keep calm. Be afraid, don't let her hurt River again, but don't give into hate and rage."
She glanced away, she'd be starting to cry if she was still human, but luckily, red eyes had no such problems, so she reached for a cup of tea for herself instead. "Be better than me, all right?"
She hadn't destroyed the Dalek Emperor out of hate or rage...
But it still must have bothered him, didn't it? Given how he removed it from her own memories. Or tried. Given how he reacted to himself causing genocide. Given how he was when she first asked him about it.
She doesn't say anything more about it though.
no subject
"Be better than you?" How did she still not get it, after all of this?
"There is no being better than you or Rory or the Doctor or anyone. We're not better or worse than each other. The Doctor asks us, all the time, to be the very best of humanity. But that doesn't mean be better than other people, it means be the best forms of what humanity has. Trying to be better than someone else is pointless."
"And if that's what it feeds on, trust me, I wouldn't be the primary target, and we both know that. Whatever this is... there wouldn't BE a city, given who is here, if the attack was meant to make us all into psychopaths. Have you ever seen the TARDIS furious? Pushed too far? No. We'll solve whatever happened to the two of you. And we'll stop Kovarian."
"But I don't think whatever happened to you is as recent as you seem to think it was. And it might not make sense to you, didn't make sense to me till the Doctor cut the signal, but wherever you are, Rose, the real you... we will find you. And if this is the real you, we will find your double and take her down. I promise you."
no subject
But at the rest, she got up, and clenched a stone fist.
"Amy."
An impatient growl. "Stop."
She paced as far as she could, trying to keep the wings folded and casting a glance over her shoulder, frustrated.
"You know why I said he shouldn't be a hero, shouldn't have to be a hero? Heroes can't make mistakes. Heroes have to seem strong even when everything is falling apart around them. Stop. Let me off the pedestal. Yeah, I wasn't--" She clicked her beak shut, took a deep breath, dragged a hand down her face, and grabbed a chair, sitting back at the table, but at the chair backwards to lean forward on it.
"What you said before. About not being allowed to die being worse. Didja mean it?" She was stoic, even if her emotions were anything but. Raging tempests and forest fires, hurricanes whipping up seas to make Widow Wept like placid.
no subject
1/2 You know it's a CC comment when it breaks the character limit
And puffed and pushed her hair back with one hand.
"What you said. About immortality being a curse..."
She bit her finger experimentally, wondering if the stone beak could hurt stone or not. And then worrying about damage when when she changed back, since the odds were that this wasn't ghostbusters and she wasn't trapped inside a stone dog --
She switched trying to take a sip of tea. Odd. Okay, it might not be hot simply for how long it'd been there, but it tasted like pure water!
"Didja mean it?" Rose couldn't look up. So much guilt and self-loathing twisting her stomach into knots.
She closed her eyes and breathed carefully. "The Doctor..." she laughed softly, set down the teacup carefully and pushed her hair back again.
"Jack can't die. No. He does die... and comes back to life. I saw him shot by a dalek, and thought he was dead forever, and when he came back, I didn't... ask him about it because, everything was happening so fast. I thought the Doctor was going to kick his clone out of the airlock -- and--"
Rose looked up at Amy, anguish clear despite the dry red glowing eyes.
"You said you've seen him angry. There's this place called the Stormgate Asylum. It's super hard to get into. The only way is through a time storm." She pursed her lips together tightly. "He made me arrest him so he could find out what experiments they were doing. On the prisoners. Supposedly used to be a real nasty prison, but it got better, was reformed, but still causin' problems, so he wanted to find out why, how to stop it." Another deep breath, and she closed her eyes again, thinking. "They sucked out his darkness and put into this living flesh. Just a dummy they said, but his darkness was.... too much. It took on a life of its own. The dark Doctor... His Mr. Hyde... he wanted to destroy so much. To stop the hurting."
Rose glanced sideways away. She was giving Amy trust she'd given no one else, not even Jack, and not even the Doctor himself. Because protecting the Doctor from himself was something Rose just took for granted.
She looked down at the cup. "He shot that Doctor, his darkness, out into the time storm and let it consume him, and sucked the rest of the darkness, everyone else's into himself."
A stone claw made light circles on the table, careful not to scratch anything.
"My Doctor, tie Doctor I mean... is even worse. He might seem like a sad puppy, but he's more dangerous. When he first regenerated, he had to fight to save Earth. That's how he lost his hand, right? But he also killed a Sycorax in cold blood. 'No second chances,' he said. Harriet Jones -- she was prime minister at the time -- she used Torcwhood to kill the Sycorax so they wouldn't --"
Rose's lungs were filtering the air, she could tell somehow, but it was still hard to breathe. She was made of stone, but her heart was still human through and through.
"S-so they wouldn't... t-tell others..." it was weird not to be crying. She'd spent so long frustrated over all the tears shed, and yet now...
The bat wings sprang up and covered her shoulders and head in spite of herself.
"I'm not upset for them... or even the Doctor..."
A gulp.
"It's Jack."
She was shaking.
She rubbed her eyes unnecessarily and grinned softly in amusment at the dry hand, glancing sideways again.
"Amy, please... I have to know. Do ya mean it, or didja... about the not dying thing because..."
She quivered like a leaf in Autumn.
Deep breath and Rose held a hand up to hold Amy back from answering right away. If Amy said yes, she might not be able to get through this. Stone or not, she still might break.
"He fired Harriet Jones. You can't fire the Prime Minister, but he did. Just six words. I don't know what he told people. I guess that she looked weak or something, because --" Rose gulped and snapped her fingers again. "Just like that, everyone was calling for her resignation for health, and even if she'd been fine, she sure wasn't after all that added pressure, yeah? Thing is though, right? I nevar questioned him at the time. The Sycorax were tryin' ta enslave the Earth, and Harriet Jones was right, when he was still sick inside the TARDIS, I was tryin' ta be the Doctor for him and it wasn't enough..."
Another gulp, and plain water or not, Rose drank some anyway. "People got killed, right in front of us. The translator, the General..." She shook her head. "No second chances. And what you said? That daleks treat him better than he treats himself?" She shuddered, wings and arms protectively cradling her head. "It's true. I was so scared after his clone committed genocide. Even though it was the daleks, even though it was to save all of us..." more head shaking and she sat up to look at Amy properly. "Worse'n that! To make sure none o' us did something he'd be mad at us fer. Because Martha and Jack were all ready to blow up a planet so the reality bomb -- the thing Davros made to unmake all of reality, across all dimensions," a shiver, "'Cause it wouldn't'a worked then."
Rose gently rans her claws over her stone scalp, through the blonde hair, relieved it was still firmly rooted... for now.
"Harriet Jones... she knew the Doctor wouldn't always be around. And Jack..." Rose closed her eyes, and drew a deep breath.
She didn't want to tell Amy, to ruin the perfect image of the Doctor. She knew she wouldn't have let Sarah Jane try to convince her anything about the Doctor, but this was about protecting the Doctor, even from himself.
"Jack knows that the most," Rose's voice was dark, low, angry, and thick. There was even a slight snarl as she continued, the rage replacing anguish and fear. "I turned Jack into a fixed point. I didn't know it at the time. The Doctor took the memory out of me... or human failsafe kicked in. I dunno. I know he didn't want me to remember tryin' ta kill all the daleks. Committin' genocide myself." She ground her teeth and winced at the awful sound. RIGHT. Stone.
"I made it so that no matter how many times Jack dies, or what way he dies, whether he's blown apart by a nuclear bomb..."
Her cheeks managed to pinken, even through the stone and she shielded her eyes with one hand.
This was a dangerous conversation to have. What if AMY wasn't AMY? What if all that about Rose being a fake Rose was projection so Rose wouldn't suspect Amy? What if there were people listening?
But Rose meant what she told the Doctor, secrecies and silence hurt more. She knew that first hand!!!
She gulped quietly. "Jack comes back. He can't die. He's going to live Billions, and maybe trillions of years. And that's all my fault."
She closed her eyes again, breathed deeply and stretched her wings.
"That's not the worst of it."
She drummed her other fingers quietly on the table.
"Not by a long shot."
She wanted whiskey. The whole damn bottle.
How the hell was the Doctor not an alcoholic? Probably just because he's an alien, Rose figured.
"I can't tell you the worst stuff. It's Jack's but..." Deep breaths, her wings hunched, perching over her from raised hackles on edge and tension.
"That thing Harriet Jones said, that the Doctor wouldn't always be there? Well Jack was. Because the Doctor got scared of Jack, from what I did to him, and left him. Just bloody stranded him in the future like he didn't even care!"
More fingers drumming.
"Jack was a Time Agent when we first met him. So he was able to use his stolen tech to get back to Earth, but he missed by about a hun'red an' fifty years. Lived through meeting Queen Victoria who asked him personally to work for Torchwood. Lived through World War 1, World War 2, met the real Captain Jack Harkness he's named after," a sigh, as his true name filtered through her head, and she used their bond to send him warm emotional fluffies, to make up for all the rage and turmoil of... everything else recently.
"He--"
She couldn't explain, wouldn't EVER TELL ANYONE even Amy, and especially not the Doctor, Jack's secrets.
"He had to save the Earth times the Doctor wasn't around. Went through --"
Rose closed her eyes, trying not to cry before remembering she didn't have that problem just then. "So much torture. All on account of me."
More fingers drumming.
"It doesn't end there."
She smiled cruelly, wistfully, not looking up at Amy. Telling Amy the things she would have only told a younger version of herself, and the way she would have.
"So after this clone version of the Doctor pops up, commits genocide, even to save all of us, even him, even the multiverse and all dimensions and all of time and space and reality..." A quiet snort. "I was worried he was going to shoot that version of him into the void. Or a star."
She glanced away, "So I wanted to protect him. That him. So he didn't think we all hated him, so he didn't think -- so he wouldn't hate himself as much."
The lump in her throat seemed extra hard being stone.
"So I didn't talk to Jack. I didn't get to find out... why he didn't die. I just thought yanno... hologram or something. Smart Jack. Brilliant Jack. Best Jack."
She pushed her hair back with a hand. "The Doctor before he regenerated, or right when he was abandoned Jack in the year 200,100." She tried to bite her upper lip and couldn't. It felt weird. She gave up trying. "But then... Tie Doctor, he thought I was just mad about being left in Pete's Universe with the MetaCrisis. I'm not mad at him, the past, for that. I was mad because..."
She tilted her head sideways, still not looking directly at Amy. "He said he loved me the same as Martha and Jack."
She grinned sickly, and pinched the bridge between her eyes. "I just god damn lost it at that."
She rubbed her face as best she could with both hands, they were stone and cold, but still muscular and relatively pushable at least. "Then to see him try to... pretend like River meant nothin' to him."
2/2
"Jack needed me. Needed both of us, and we weren't there for him. There has never been a single time in my life where Jack wasn't there for me. Not one. He looked after my Mum when I bloody ran out on her, what? A half dozen times? More?!" DEEP BREATH. "And I just... made my decision here. I wasn't going to do that again to Jack. Not ever. Maybe here's the only way I can do, but I gotta give it my all, because... that's who I am."
She pulled the cheek all over again, trying to twist it in a circle. "And I told Tie-Doctor the same. If he meant it, if he really meant it about Jack and Martha to give them his all. And stop tryin' ta --"
She dropped the pinched cheek and rolled her hand in a circle, again not looking at Amy. "Have me along with it."
She pinched between her eyebrows instead. "S-Same for River Song, really. I mean... I haven't put my foot down as hard on that, 'cause... his future is used ta not havin' me around."
Blonde hair got pushed back again and Rose gave an annoyed low growl. "I got... pretty hurt. When I realized..." She clenched her jaw tightly. "I was flirtin' with a married man." Hand up again. "I know. Whatever. River Song married his other spouses, that's just the way they are, it's not that. It's not that I have to be the best or the only one."
She laughed, she would have been crying at again at the same time but for gargoyle, and rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand out of habit, doing her best to swallow that damn stone lump in her throat. "If I did, believe me, I wouldn't have shagged Jack." Oh did she forget to tell Amy that part?
Well.
Whatever.
"I just lost it. I've been so angry for months and months... And I got angry travelin' the fifth dimension.... ohhhh I got mad at him then. All those suicide attempts--" Her throat seemed to close up again and she looked up at the ceiling.
"I always thought... okay this wasn't really him. The real Doctor wouldn't do this. The real Doctor wouldn't--"
She pulled her cheek again. "I wanted to believe that. Ghosts, right? And even when I knew it was him, I thought, well it's not my fault. The Universe just needed him so badly it couldn't exist without him."
She dropped her eyes even lower, and clenched her fists under the table, at her sides. Another deep breath.
"If you meant it. About immortality... then you better disown me and get prepared to hate me worse than Madame Kovarian..."
She snorted quietly, amused again by the lack of her own tears, and drank some more of the plain water.
"Because I'm the Doctor's curse. It wasn't a TimeLord, it wasn't even being a TimeLord. It was me. And I think... I might be why I made him survive the Time War when the other TimeLords didn't. Because Bad Wolf. Because I was selfish and I didn't want him to die."
She glanced away. "I'm... stupid like that. My Dad... I told you about the paradox, right? Or maybe I didn't. I asked the Doctor to take me back to my Dad's death. To let me change history, just a little. So that my Dad wouldn't die alone in the street, with no one around. I used the Doctor's own emotions, the fact that we watched the Earth explode only we were all so busy at the time, no one got to see it, that he watched his own people die, and that he's always alone and..."
She rested her head on the table, cradling it again, bracing herself to be told to get out of Amy's house and life forever.
"I didn't plan to rescue my Dad. The Doctor thought I did, but I didn't. See? That's how stupid I am. I just reacted. I just did what I would have for anyone. I jumped too early, pushed him out of the way, and caused a hole in the space time continuum. Not a crack. A gash. A raw open wound and bacteria was coming in. I caused the end of the universe, because I just wanted to know my Dad--"
She laughed bitterly, unable to fight the gravity enough this time to lift up her head.
"I can't. Can't blame the Doctor for trying to send me back to Pete's Universe. After all that? I mean... really?"
Another bitter laugh that would have been crying too any other day were she not made of stone.
She rubbed her face with stone hands.
"But the way I see it... I gave all that up. Twice, three times, a million more. And I'd never stop doing it for him. The Doctor..." she rolled her hand in a circle, "Of your time and the future, know what I tried to give up. What I tried to do. The Tie Doctor doesn't, and I never told him. But that's part of what made me so mad. Not that he didn't know, but he kept acting like we were inevitable. Like he could take me granted."
She rubbed the back of her neck, head lifted up, debating how much she needed to get ready to run away. "Or use me as an excuse. I asked him what he'd do if Reinette, Madame du Pompadour came, and he said he wouldn't let her in the TARDIS."
She shuddered. "I snapped at that too. Because I know how much he loved her. And even Sunglasses-Guitarist said if he'd stayed much longer in the past with her, I would have flown the TARDIS out to ask him what the hell he was thinking and--"
She shook her head. "That's the thing, right? I wouldn't have. Because if he was happy there... good. I wouldn't evar ask him to bring less people into his life. I was the one beggin' him to take more on board. I asked him to bring Mickey, Adam, Jack, Sarah Jane, I nevar want him to be alone. Especially not usin' me as an excuse for it. Opposite. If he loves people... because he learned from me, from all this mess... then I'm really glad. I am."
It was so weird not to have watery eyes for this. "I hate being jealous, I do. But so what, right? The more he tries to protect me from it, the more he might as well open up a thousand wounds on me and throw acid in them."
Shiver.
"He tells me he loves me, Jack, and Martha all the same. So I won't get jealous." Facepalm. "That worked great, didn' it?"
Annoyed growl. "Then he tries to use me as an excuse not to love more people and -- of course I got mad. And then he keeps actin' as if, I just don't understand that he's going to outlive me when... The only reason he lived at all was me." A deep shudder. "I don't want his life. I don't nuffin' from him. Because that's just it. The ONLY time I ever held back because I thought he might be jealous was with Jack. And I asked him point blank, if he was jealous of me and Jack. And he said no."
As Amy was worried about not being able to keep secrets from the Doctor, the odds were, it might be hard for her to keep secrets from Jack too. Rose folded her hands carefully, thinking harder than ever.
"What he said he felt instead, I dunno. Maybe you and River are right that he's just... that much of a liar." She looked up at the ceiling again.
"Before that first night o' mine here? I would'a said no way. He's not able to tell everything, because there just isn't time, but get him ramblin', and if anythin', he's too honest. To the point of ruinin' his life, and friendships and empires, and everythin'." A sigh. "But what he said he felt for Jack instead made me so mad I told him he should be jealous of Jack. Because I'm not stayin' here for the Doctor. I'm stayin' for Jack. I'm not mad at Tie-Doctor for his future, I'm mad at him for abandonin' Jack, then sayin' he loved me and Jack an' Martha all equally an' I said then he better put his all inta Martha an' Jack and leave me the hell out of it. Because if he thought he could only be with me here because he didn't have to risk anythin', didn't have to worry about his curse of the TimeLords of outlivin' me, then he never had a chance with me here or anywhere."
She glanced away, bracing legs to go.
"Because I fought through everythin' to get back to him. I was willin' to give up everythin'. His future just gave up me." A sad smile, but a smile all the same. She knew it wasn't easy on him. That it hurt, but sometimes hurts aren't the worst thing. "And MetaCrisis... the way I asked them, the Doctor, both the one who gave me up, and his MetaCrisis, I asked--"
A lump in her throat.
She managed to find a way to bite her bottom lip-beak-portion, though just barely.
"When he couldn't rescue me, when I got sealed away the first time, he spent months trying to find cracks. And doing stupid things that got him killed in other dimensions. I solved those, by putting people in his way. People he had to rescue and save. Who'd saved him. Or maybe those were the cracks, and I sealed them. Time's weird like that. But he burned up a star to say goodbye, it was the only thing he could do, send a projection to me at Bad Wolf Bay." Slow breath. Snort. "I told him I loved him. But his time ran out before he could say it back." She clenched her jaw hard. "I asked him the second time at that damned beach, what he was going to say. The Doctor walked away, the MetaCrisis told me and stayed."
She knuckled her forehead in exasperation. "The Tie Doctor here said it so easily. About Jack. Jack who went through worse hell than fifth dimension. Jack who had to be on Earth and deal with aliens and lose his family over and over, who's older than the oldest Doctor, and going to outlive him, and it's all my fault, and all just because--" she blew her cheeks out, "Fixed points scare the bejeezus out of Time Lords and freak them out." A shudder. "Jack who needed me and I couldn't even be there for him, because I never knew. Jack who I will never see again, and if I do, odds are I'm not gonna remember what I did to him--" she bit the inside of her cheek. "Look, and then... I don't know what he did with Martha to make her leave. I think she just wanted to or somethin'. She seemed happy when I met her. And Jack said he's still friends with her, way past what she knows now. So --"
Rose closed her eyes, and slowly got up. "I told Tie Doctor not to waste that. And no matter how much I try to hide how hurt and angry all that stupidity makes me... I'm not very good at it."
She tugged an ear carefully, bemused that her earrings were still there, not stone, but metal. "I know I acted... really badly. I know it was beyond childish, and way out of control, and I am sorry for upsetting everyone. But I am just human, underneath all this stone." She waved a hand over her face. "I spent years thinking all I had to do was find him again. I was so focused on that, I never even realized that I was cursing him to live through things even TimeLords wouldn't survive or regenerate from. I was so focused on the mission, on stopping the darkness from spreading, just finding him, I didn't know that--"
She spread a hand helplessly.
"Like I said, Amy. I cursed him. I cursed him and Jack with nothin' but stupidity and acting in the moment and he said I fixed him. That I made him better. Jack said the same damn thing. But if all I can do for Jack is be there for him... I thought maybe giving Tie-Doctor space would make it better, give him a chance to figure 'imself out, and instead it made him snap all over again."
She chewed her bottom lip in thought. "I guess I'll go. Perch on your roof in case your shadow comes back." She looked up at the ceiling again. "It's funny though. All those times he was suicidal, being stupid, I'd get so mad at him. Never even realized I was just cursing him worse."
A serious look to Amy. "He's not... by your time, yeah? So maybe it's me. Jack said it too. He'd been suicidal because of... things." She rolled her stiff shoulders and wings. "Hell of a thing that. My Mum did some blo-- dangerous stupid stuff in her attempts to find me again. Only common denominator... is me." She clenched her teeth again. "Don't get me wrong Amy, I'm not giving up. I didn't let Jack, and I didn't let the Doctor, that's the whole problem, yeah? That's why they're stuck living. So I'm gonna keep trying, give it my all, no matter what." She clenched a fist tightly. "But I exploded. I felt trapped and I know it's not his fault, but it felt worse than throwing a lit match into a room of open fireworks." She shook her head. "Not excusing it. It was dumb and petty, and I should be better. I just lost all control, all right?"
1/1
But Rose was coming to her, and that meant this one was on her. Perhaps alone. So she sat and listened, and trusted the others to have her back, even if she hadn't had a chance yet to let them know about the danger. She trusted them, it was that simple, and it would always be that simple. They always each did what they had to do, in the moment, and prioritized on the fly. And honestly, she'd probably know as soon as Rory saw her, he'd storm in here to figure out if she was real or Ganger.... come to think of it...
Okay, after she dealt with Rose, she'd have the Doctor scan her, just to be sure she wasn't Flesh again, herself.
"Done then? My turn to talk? Good. Make sure you're listening then."
She sipped her tea and then set it down so she could stand. She reached out and lifted Rose's chin to look her in the eyes. Tall, okay? "Because clearly you didn't last time, or you just forgot. But, since we were both pretty drunk, I'll give you a pass. This one time."
"What I said is that making someone live for everyone for their responsibilities to the world is a horrible curse. Your stories, Rose? What you just told me? About Jack and the Doctor? And making them survive? That was selfish. You admitted it yourself. Yeah, the world needed them. But if I understood right, you didn't bloody well know that with Jack. You didn't even know that you had done it to him. You just knew that you loved him and didn't want him to be dead. the Doctor? You said yourself your focus was narrowed on getting back to him. It blinded you. Good."
"Look, the Doctor might disagree with me. Most of the world probably will, in the theoretical of course, but I'm looking at the practical, because the potential for immortality isn't a theoretical. Not for us. We run in the Tardis, we run with the Doctor. And immortality runs hand in hand with death as potentialities. We never ever know what will happen to us or those we love, and there is no way to be prepared for everything. So we do the best we can." She shook her head, she was getting off topic. "Anyway. As I was saying, in theory most people might disagree with me, but here it is."
"When it comes to saving people's lives? The motivation of saving the world or the universe is NOTHING compared to selfishness. Be selfish. And you were. Keeping someone alive because they have to be, because everyone else needs them... That's what I said was a curse. And it is. Because that's responsibility and pressure. Because that's telling them that everything that goes wrong in the universe after that point is their fault because you brought them back to fix it and they failed. THAT'S a curse, Rose Tyler."
"Refusing to let someone die, because YOU need them? Because you love them? Because their being gone would leave a gaping hole in your chest that you'll never recover from? That's selfish, that's wonderful, and that's powerful. That's love. Lots of people live for responsibility, because they have to. Horrible way to live. But to live for love? That's the best way to live, Rose. That's one of the things he needs from us. Love. He needs someone who looks at him and doesn't see a hero or an ancient enemy. Someone who will save him over the universe, so that he has to find a way to save the universe without losing himself."
This was so much easier, sober.
She lifted her tea and took a sip, then a breath, careful to do those in the proper order.
"I held a gun to the Doctor's head once." To River's more than once, but those were NOT moments she was proud of. "He... he stepped over a line figuratively, making someone else step over a line literally. He decided to give over a war criminal to the person who was after him for revenge, to just let him die. Another doctor, from another world, who had darkness in his past but was trying to make good in his present. The Doctor... I think he saw himself in doctor Jex. Even beyond both of them being alien doctors who gave their friends on Earth tech a bit ahead of their time. I told you, no one hates the Doctor more than he hates himself, I meant it. I got the Doctor to back off, let Jex come back into the safe ring around the town. I'm not going to say if Jex needed to be punished or not. That wasn't what mattered. What mattered is that the Doctor didn't set him up to be executed because he thought that was what he deserved himself.
That the Doctor didn't take a life he didn't need to take."
"I wouldn't have shot the Doctor. Not a chance. Well... not in the head. But he would have handled the betrayal and an injury better than he would have handled living with one more death on his account. Especially if he saw it as justice and saw it as himself. I wouldn't let him do that, I wouldn't let him cement in himself that he is someone who needs to be punished, who needs to be killed. Love doesn't mean...." she stopped and shook her head.
"I lost my point again. Sorry. Look, thing is.... why matters. Why always matters. And why makes the difference. You did what you did, you didn't curse them to live for the universe, you saved them, for yourself. Now... ideally, you save someone because they WANT to be saved. That's the best, but saving them because you love them and want to be with them? Even if the universe rips you apart after? That's beautiful. These weren't strangers on the street that you decided weren't allowed to die. These weren't distant heroes you didn't know that you cursed to live forever so they could stay heroes. Living for that? That's a sacrifice. Living for the people you love? That's called life. Not wanting to let someone go? That's all of us."
She shook her head. "If I had the power to save Rory any of the times he died, you think for even a SECOND I'd think about the cost? I'd do it. No hesitation. Even if the cost was my own life and he begged me not to. I'm that selfish. I don't want a world without him in it. Not for the sake of the world, but for the sake of myself. The universe ERASED him. It should have been impossible to remember he existed. And yet I saw things that had been his or ours and I felt sad, so sad. I felt the absence of him. I missed him enough that I brought him back. The Doctor sacrificed himself, unmade himself, to save the universe. And I needed him so much, I brought him back. From nothing. Through those cracks. You're not the only one who has saved that man from things even a Timelord should not have survived, Rose."
"But we did it for the same reason. Because he's one of the people we love most in this or any world. If you're guilty, then so am I. I'd bet every companion of his ever is guilty of saving him. If we're not horrible for that, neither are you. You didn't save him because his work wasn't done. You saved him because you couldn't stand a universe without him."
That was that. But there were other things to be addressed.
"Moving on. Genocide. Killing all the Daleks? Okay, easy fix there. You can feel better about that, and so can he. It's impossible to kill all the Daleks. Has to be. Because no matter what there always ALWAYS seem to be more. I've met insane Daleks, I've seen Daleks serving tea to Winston Churchill, by the way, if you ever meet him, watch your copy of the Tardis key, and his hands." She shook her head. Off topic, again. "Daleks are like Weeping Angels, I think. No matter how much you think you might have killed them all, you never have. So it is never genocide, killing them. Can't be. Does that mean killing them is either right or wrong? Not saying that, not judging because how could I judge? It's like judging a pride of lions for killing a gazelle or something. Yeah, you might want to save the gazelle and not saying that's wrong. But the lions are lions, it's who and what they are. We're allowed to defend ourselves and those we love. The Daleks sometimes threaten that. And we clash... Would we be safer if they didn't exist? Or the Weeping Angels? Or the...." Or the...what? What was she thinking of? A shudder went through her, but she couldn't figure out why. "Probably," she said, moving on. Trying to ignore the creeping sensation that she had about to say something important. But it was gone now.
"So I can see wanting to wipe them all out. There have been moments I have wanted too. When that Dalek in the museum...." she pursed her lips and shook her head. "But you know what? Other side of the coin? If not for the Daleks, I'd never have met Churchill, and Bracewell never would have existed, and the others... and they helped save me when Kovarian kidnapped me.We grow stronger facing adversity, we grow together that way. And the Daleks? They're like a virus in the body of the universe. And yeah, we all want to wipe them out, maybe, but we get stronger when we heal, don't we?" That wasn't the point she was trying to make. She shook her head.
"Point is... you and he can both take that guilt off your consciousness. Because neither of you have wiped out all of them, and even wanting to... that impulse isn't necessarily wrong. It's human. He hates to admit it, but secretly, I think we rub off on him, that he becomes a bit more human when he spends time with us. The good and the bad. I've seen him after he's had time alone, and I've seen him after he runs with us. He says we look Timelord, but the more time he spends with us, the more human he looks to me. And if he's going to be more like us, we need to be more there for him."
She swallowed. "I...I told the Doctor that I know best, the one I run with at home... that I'd stay away from his younger self," she said softly. "So I didn't hurt him again. The way he looked at me when I first arrived... I could see the pain, and I was stubborn and I was selfish and I chose to make him like me, to end the pain that way, instead of avoiding him so he didn't have it feel it at all. And when I told him that... he told me not to. Not to avoid him, any him. Just to get better at keeping the spoilers in. And I will, I'll try. For his sake. Because I never want to see someone I love hurt that much again."
A deep breath, then she reached out and took Rose's hand. "You and I... let's make a deal, shall we? If I think I'm going to blurt out what I shouldn't, I'll think of you, and come and tell you instead. If you're there and I start to say what I shouldn't, you have my permission to pull me out of there. Stop me. But in exchange... your temper frays... you come to me first. We work together to figure out what is and is not safe to say to him, and in front of him. Not for our sakes, but for his. And if I see you about to lose it, I pull you out."
"We can do that? For him?"
There was still so much they had to talk about. Why Rose lost it. River. Jack. So much but this... this was a start. And a start was all anyone ever had. Because every start... led to the next. At least, ideally.
no subject
As Amy explained, Rose wanted to cry. Relief, anguish, just so much sorrow. Be selfish, it was better for her to have saved them through sheer selfishness than because the universe needed them? She could almost laugh at that. And where she not a gargoyle, she would have been bawling, but she just crowds Amy in a hug all the same.
She let go of the hug and blinked in surprise as Amy explained about the time she held a gun to the Doctor's head. Rose couldn't imagine doing that... ever. No matter how mad at him she got. Hell, the one time she'd really verbally slapped him nearly as bad or worse than her explosion was because he pointed a gun at her. Still, she listened without judgement.
Rose nodded slowly that the Doctor would have handled the injury and betrayal better than having an execution on his head. It was true. Definitely.
Stone ears flicked at 'love doesn't mean...' she wanted to know the rest of the sentence, but Amy was trying to get herself back on track, so she'd wait patiently, out of respect for Amy giving her the chance to ramble for so long and through so much. She wanted to cry again, that Amy didn't think Rose was in the wrong for what she did. She wondered if that was how Jack felt when Rose said she was glad he asked Ianto to stay with him. It was confusing, so bewildering, a relief she didn't think she deserved, but she was still glad to have it and it warmed her from the inside out. She rubbed her eyes all the same, still confused at how dry they were.
"Yeah," she finally spoke, "Yeah, I don't want a universe without him."
It felt so obvious and yet good to finally say. She hadn't spent three years in her own private hell for nothing. And at least... yeah, she still had Meta-Doctor. Which was confusing, and she didn't know how to deal with, but it was all right. And maybe she hadn't moved on yet -- far from it -- and it didn't help that Tie-Doctor was still Meta Doctor too...
But she'd figure it out. With their help.
As for genocide and daleks? She nodded slowly. She knew that. AMY knew that, so why didn't the Doctor? Maybe he used it as a reason to hate himself. Or maybe it was the only thin line he could use to keep from melting down.
Rose's stone face scrunched in confusion, "Dalek in a museum?" she asked, thinking of her only regret, actually letting, actually telling the dalek to kill itself because it couldn't handle being something more than a killing machine, something else, something... different. Daleks couldn't love though, and the Doctor definitely could. And Jack, obviously did.
She went blank for a bit about the rest, but scrunched all over again about rubbing off on him. "We need to be his friends, not weapons though. That's what Davros called us. Davros made the daleks, experimented on his family and yanno. Like Nazi scientists basically. But worse." A small shiver at the memory of his exposed ribcage, cell by cell.
Rose hugged Amy again and rested her forehead to her "daughter's." "Amy no, don't avoid him, he'd never want that." She held Amy's hand back, "Okay, yeah. I don't know how to... be in love with him and still help him be his best anymore, yeah?" She swallowed thickly, closing her eyes. "Sunglasses Doctor told me he could never be as brave and strong as Meta Doctor. Admit what Meta did..." it was a relief not to be crying, but it was still strange. And the hurt hadn't diminished any either. "But then Tie Doctor did it so flippantly and casually, and I know he didn't know why it hurt me, but at the time, he still --" she choked up.
"I don't know if I can do it," she admitted softly, all but bawling, admitting something she'd only have told Jack or her mother. "Your Doctor, with the bowtie, even said nothing could stop me from being me. And he's right. I mean..." she spread a hand helplessly. "Jack, saving him and the Doctor out of bein' selfish... yeah." She leaned her head against Amy's again. "I want Tie Doctor to not waste his chance with Jack and Martha here. If he thinks-- even if he was lying about the way he loves them, I don' care. I need him to give them his all, and I don't think he will so long as he thinks he has to worry about me and my jealousy, and I don't know how to give him that room other than backin' off, and when I do, he hates it and makes himself miserable instead. I don't know what to do."
A quiet gulp, "And... And I definitely can't stand Bowtie actin' like... he's gotta hide stuff from me when--" she whined in the back of her throat. "I'd rather he just was open about it. I'll keep it from Tie Doctor, I never told him about River. But if he or Sunglasses acts like they gotta tiptoe around my feelin's it just makes me a billion times worse. I mean, I am jealous of River, but not for --" a weary sigh and in something she'd normally only tell her younger self, "I can't even flirt with him without feelin' like it's hurtin' him or someone else. Yanno, it-- when it was just me and Jack and the Doctor, it drove me nuts then because I couldn't flirt with either of 'em because Jack and I thought the Doctor would get jealous and I don't even know anymore if he was or wasn't, because Tie-Doctor's a liar too."
Deep breath, closed eyes. "So I called up Micks and --"
She needed to sit. She put Amy back in a chair and poured them both more tea and heated the pot again.
"We was gonna go to a hotel, on'y, he was tellin' me about this girl Trish Delaney --" She softly bit her bottom lip. She told Sunglasses Doctor about it and that was bad enough. "When the Doctor first returned me, we got back a year late, and Mickey was pulled in for questioning by the police four times, and people thought he'd killed me or somethin'. So when I came back, girls were startin' to ask him out again. And Mickey had cancelled plans with her just because I called and--" Rose glanced away.
"I hate that. I can't live with that on my conscience. I know I'm the best, but I mean..." She held the teacup carefully in both hands and huffed softly. "But they have to know it too. Want it. Or it don't count. And I don't mean..." She rolled the red eyes in a circle. "That the Doctor shouldn't get married or nuffin' stupid." She sipped her tea, annoyed that it was pure water again. She definitely had made it tea this time, she was sure of it. Even added sweetener!
"When my Dad died, my Mum still dated, and I wanted her to find happiness with someone new, but I mean... the second she saw Pete, even from another universe," Rose snapped her fingers. "They were right back together. I don't resent River Song, I'm really really glad for her, yeah? And you, and Rory. More than I can ever express," she smiled softly. "And Martha married Micks, my Mickey in Jack's time," another eyeroll, "And the Doctor don't get it at all. Sunglasses just went into a thing of how he's not my Mickey, but he absolutely is, and Bowtie was just like," Rose spread a hand, miming the Doctor, "'We were both 'orrible to him, Rose,' which was nevar my point."
She facepalmed wearily and dragged the stone hand down her face.
"I can't be myself an' hold back at the same time," she sighed. "I already said, I'm not givin' up Jack for nuffin'. I should have been there for him all along, and I'd have wanted to if I'd known, and I don't even ... know that I'd go to Pete's Universe, even for Meta, even though he needs me because--" she faltered entirely, red eyes managing to cloud over despite still glowing dry. "Jack was always there for me. No matter what. Even when the Doctor wasn't. Maybe all I can give him is myself and that's still worth it to me, just tryin'."
She shook her head. "I know it confuses him, the Doctor, because he's an idiot. He thinks he knows everythin', and he definitely doesn't know people at all>," huff. "But it's not like I'd ever expect Jack to stop flirtin' with everyone else," she wrinkled her nose and laughed, "Ugh, I'd probably slap him and tell him to stop bein' weird if he even tried," another laugh and she shook her head, smiling fondly for a moment, and closed her eyes.
"Tie Doctor acts like..." she rolled her hand in a circle. "The reverse of Mickey. Instead of not goin' out with Trisha Delaney so he could come runnin' to me, he runs off with Madame du Pompadour, then lies and says he's fine, then lies and says he wouldn't want her in the TARDIS, or worse, says he wouldn't want her in the TARDIS now because," she mimed airquotes with her fingers, "'He has to draw the line somewhere,' or worse, because he assumes I'll be jealous -- which I'm not sayin' I wouldn't be, but so what if I am? If it's gonna stop him, it should be like me and Jack. Me and Jack before here thought he was jealous as hell. We didn't want to make him jealous. Not because he'd do something about it, but just because we love him. That's it." She set the teacup down and dusted her hands. "Simple. Instead he works himself up and makes 'imself miserable, and makes me miserable, and I don't know how to deal with it!" another huff and wolfish puff despite the gargoyle body.
And then out of habit capitalized Me and had to fix it.
"Let's start with a hard truth, Rose, one you see, to keep failing to get. It seems to be at the root of so much of the pain you put yourself and him through."
"You're not the best." She said the words flatly, and in an argument that welcomed NO argument.
"You're not. I'm not. Rory's not, River's not. The Doctor is not. You want to forget anything you forget that word even exists it, just lose it. Because right now, Rose, that word is a knife with a blade for a hilt and you keep stabbing people with it. slicing yourself deepest of all. Best is a word with no real meaning. We both know better than that, or we should. Use it as a saying or a phrase or whatever, and we get the meaning. But you gave it a new meaning. The way Davros and Kovarian and whoever else might say that the Doctor turns us into weapons, you've weaponized best. It's not a weapon, Rose. It's a word. A word that has NO MEANING."
She shook her head and stood again, walking to behind her own chair, so she could lean on it, closing her hands over the chair back.
"Best means better than everyone else. Even if you qualify it with an 'at what' it's still nonsense and you've seen enough of the universe to know that. The Tardis does that. We see that every limit we ever imagined has been shattered. A hundred times over. A thousand. You think your home town is the best, then you see the galaxy. And you say, 'okay, no... this is the best.' And then the Tardis shows you something that blows that away. Maybe you think Aruba has the best beach. Then the Doctor takes you to Space Florida. It has automatic sand. It's wonderful. But you call it the best and you either blind yourself to what comes next, or you challenge the Doctor and the Tardis to prove you wrong. To find something better."
"There is no best. You and I, neither of us is the best, neither of I is better or worse than the other. We just are. So put that word in the rubbish bin where it belongs, walk away from it, and never go back. Because all you're doing with that word is hurting." Herself and others.
"And don't ever, ever try to tell the Doctor how to feel about whom. Not only doesn't he need our permission, but he's likely to take to that about as well as a child being told not to touch the oven, for his own sake. He's liable to burn down the house just to prove he can make his own choices when no one is looking to stop him. Or he'll break himself trying to do what he thinks you want. And he'll never learn how to cook."
"As to what the Doctor can and can't do at any given moment... it changes. As it does for us. I don't know what changed when, I'm not there. But if he can be open about love? Good. That's good. Be glad of it, not upset by it, Rose." She pushed away from the chair, pacing a bit in a tight circle, since the kitchen was only so big. Then she pulled the fridge door open and dug around and started pulling out fruit and vegetables. She set them on the counter. Then she washed an apple, and took a knife to it for just a moment. She set her work on the table in front of Rose. The apple now had a very simple face cut into it.
"This once saved the world," she said, simply. "My world, and the Earth itself. Could the Doctor have saved the world with an apple at any other time? Maybe. Maybe not. But I could see him thinking it is not something he could do, if he knew the context had shifted. Never presume to know what he can or can't do, because he doesn't know it himself."
She left the apple there, and then went to start washing carrots, thinking, and talking as she worked. She needed to do something productive with her hands while she talked, so she was going to start dinner. Soup and a fruit pie.
"You know what I think? I think you don't need to back off of him, or them, or push him at them. What you need to do is grow up." She said it the way she would have said to anyone she loved. A hard truth. "The Jealousy, it's like best. It's only going to hurt. You and them, but you most. Jealousy...."
She stopped washing to think about how she wanted to say this, and then she turned around, picking up a large knife as she did. When Jealousy gets bad enough, what you're doing is this..." She flipped the blade, pressing it to her own chest. "You're holding a knife there, and putting your hands over theirs, forcing them to push. It's horribly cruel to them, and worse to yourself." She set the knife back on the counter. "You need to get over it. And we can help, but help is all we can do. Because these are things you need to fight within yourself."
"So a few truths. He has two hearts, Rose. He has so much more capacity for love than either of us ever could. Literature is filled with humans who are in love with more than one person at a time. So why can't he be? And who are we to say he's wrong? Lots of cultures have poly relationships as the norm, and it works for them. It's not for me, or for Rory, but that's something we came to together. And he used to have jealousy issues like anything, Rose. But he got over them and I know you can too. But you have to be willing to stop stabbing yourself in the chest."
"And I'm sorry if this hurts, but it's all I can think of to help," she said, turning back to the sink to start peeling the carrots. "You've pushed that knife in so deep, all I can do is pull it out and help stop the bleeding. But you need to be the one to decide not to put it back in. The Doctor loves you. He loves River. And Martha. And Jack. And me. And Rory. And Brian. And the Tardis. And hundreds if not millions of people neither of us have ever met. Vastra. Jenny. Strax, maybe. He loves. His capacity to love could swallow whole galaxies. And it's part of what balances his hate." She put the carrot she peeled into a bowl and went after the next. "Don't think of his love as something painful or something you have to understand and quantify, think of it as something we need to nurture and cherish. Love that he loves you, and love that he loves them, and us. Because his love has made each and every one of us better. But it's also made him better. Loving us is how he heals his wounds and the reason he keeps himself going. For us. Never minimize that."
"As for flirting?" She glanced back at her, still peeling. "Flirting happens. Snogging happens. Unless it goes further, what's the harm. I flirted with and offered to snog a girl at the bar the other night, the second to increase her tips and see Rory squirm. Flirting and snogging is for fun. I'd snog you for a laugh, but maybe not till your lips are lips again, yeah?" she asked turning to wave a carrot in a circle motion around the beak. "So long as you're not snogging stone, flirting and snogging only hurt in one way... that knife again. Throw it away and no one is hurt by it."
"And I don't know about when you were in the Tardis, but my experience, the Doctor is always hiding something. He likes to think he's being mysterious. And sometimes..." she shook her head. Months he knew she was pregnant, wasn't really there... and how long had he remembered Rory before she did, and never said anything too obvious, letting her find out on her own. But both times he had used that time, working where she didn't see, so that when she found out, he was ready to fix things as best he could.
"Let him be mysterious. When he wants to share with us. He will. As for living with that thing with Micks on your conscience, it happened, so you'll have to. But you know what? Sounds like he wound up alright after all, so maybe Trish wasn't the one for him. Because he left her hanging for you, instead of bringing her along. I chose Rory, I love him, I married him. No question. But if the Doctor or River called and needed me? I'd come running, but I'd take Rory with me. Betcha if we were back home and you called him now, hey you made it back to your right universe, he'd come running. And Martha would be right there with him." she had turned again, gestured with the carrot, took a bite out of it, then made a face. But she wasn't the Doctor, she made herself chew and swallow, rather than spitting it out.
"The Doctor has never known everything." She said once she swallowed. She tossed the carrot into the bowl and moved onto the next. "The way we deal with it, is together. We get rid of your knife, and we get rid of his. Then the two of you can stop stabbing each other, and maybe he can come to terms with the fact that River, Rory and I exist."
XDD
"We are the best. I didn't say that! He did!" It was important to her. She held onto it when all else failed. "He only takes the best. Why do you think I was worried about him leaving Meta --"
She trembled, suddenly realizing why being left behind had hurt her so much. More than just the other reasons she thought.
Her voice softened, "It's not about being better than others, it's not about competition, or anything stupid. It's about being our best. About tryin' our best. About not givin' up, about 'avin' hope and givin' it to 'im when he needs it too."
She shook her head. Even now as a gargoyle, the first thought that came to her mind was a pet owner and a pack of dogs. She didn't want to think like that. Never had wanted to. That was why she was jealous. Because she hated sharing.
There was a quiet snort at the idea of the Doctor burning down the kitchen just to prove he could. "I already promised Tie Doctor I won't push him with Martha, but don't tell me she doesn't deserve better than to be used as an excuse for him to keep me or others at arm's length--!" she started to snarl, and blinked at the movements around the kitchen. Red eyes narrowed darkly at being told to grow up.
She let Amy finish and growled irritably, holding up a hand. "You don't get it, all right? I'm not jealous that he loves others. I want him to. I'm not jealous that he has other friends, past, future, and present." Red eyes flashed furiously. "I'm jealous that I want adventures with him right here and now! I'm jealous that he--" She choked on her own words angrily, wings flexing and tightening, unsure what position to take.
"Love isn't an emotion. It's a promise. Like the name you give yourself. He knows what mine is, what mine meant." She was thick and dark with emotion, but angry enought not to be crying even if she was human at least.
"I can't just--"
She pinched the bridge between her eyes as best as she could, trying to think of the words. "I don't know how it is for TimeLords, and neither do you. I don't want him to love less, and I'm sure as hell not going to push him into anything, I'm not that nice," she growled furiously. "But being the best, means giving it my all. And maybe that's a knife jabbed right here!" Rose aimed her own claws at her heart without stabbing herself. "But I don't know any other way to be! And the more he thinks he can half-ass anything to do with me, the more he's going to get hurt. Ask Jack what it means to be in love with me, but it doesn't mean I can keep standing by him watching him hurt himself! You said yourself, the Doctor will always do that! The last thing I need is to let him use me to do it!!"
And with that she stormed out, desperately needing to get outside into the night air and fly away.
no subject
She went to the table, got the apple and peeled it, erasing the face, before cutting it up and putting it in a bowl for the pie. She went upstairs, left a note for River, and borrowed another gun, and tucked it into her waistband. She needed to call and warn everyone else. About everything. But she was too angry now. Too hurt. Too upset. Too everything. She picked up another fruit to peel and quarter. An apple. Frustrated, she threw it in the sink, where it bounced against a knife, sending it flying.
Amy cried out as the blade nicked her skin at the back of her neck. How the knife flipped out of the sink and off her head, she'd never know. But the wound wasn't deep, and by the time she finished attending to it, she was calmer at least.
Well. Somewhat. No one had better comment on the fact that the soup and pie had small BITS of fruit and veg, rather than chunks.