Voice | Radio

[softlyspeaks]

My apologies, gentle listeners, for being gone so very, very long. I never wanted to leave you, but I'm afraid some things came up rather suddenly.

For one, I regret to inform everyone that Svens Seven Scary Scarts actually appears to have been a front for an interdimensional pyramid scheme, slash demonic kidnapping ring bent on harvesting human flesh for nefarious, hellish purposes.

I deeply apologize if anyone actually went and summoned Sven under the blackness of the new moon at three AM. The studio, to make up for this oversight, is giving out free coupons to a new restauraunt in town.

Ernie's Earnest Hors D'oeuvres. Where you can make pigs in a blanket into a full meal!

More on Ernie's during the show, there's so much to catch up on.

-----

Let's start with the traffic.

From eight AM Friday to eight PM Saturday, there will be no traffic, anywhere. Not just here. Anywhere. The roads wherever you may be, here, in your dreams, at home and anywhere else that can boast a three dimensional realm with identifiable pathways, will be entirely clear of anything.

People, cars, animals, plants, roads.

In its place will be absolutely nothing.

We insist that you don't stare too long at this nothing, as nature abhors a vacuum and acknowledging this nothing will cause it to be replaced by something. Now, we cannot claim to know what this something might be. But your subconscious will find a way to fill that space, and thus, make it physical and whole.

While this could possibly lead to the delightful outcome of roads made of marshmallows or money, it also stands to reason that our beautiful dimension could be flooded with tiny, cannibalistic leprechauns. Now that I've mentioned it, it's definitely in your subconscious, and you're definitely imagining what that looks like just now.

Which, as stated, is the greatest hazard here.

So for the sake of humanity, from eight AM Friday to eight PM Saturday, only the most unimaginative of you will probably be safe. For the rest of you out there, why not order a drone-delivered to-go plate of pigs in a blanket from Ernie's?

Ernie's Earnest Hors D'oeuvres. We have one specialty, and it's probably the best.

------

It's been a busy, busy past three months! From monster attacks to murders to rampant, near epidemic levels of halitosis and tooth decay, we've certainly seen it all!

We do only have a set amount of time to discuss everything, so for the sake of brevity, I'll sum the news of all three months into limerick form.

Ahem.

Monsters ran rampant on Halloween
Those who missed that received dental gangrene.
One more corpse down in Attleton
Makes our body count a big one
But at least all our beaches are clean.

------

A big round of applause for Nova City, speaking of beaches, for getting theirs all ready and clean for winter swimming season! Bring your friends, bring your family!

Suggested swimming gear does not include two pieces, we at the station would highly suggest a full wetsuit for your winter swimming desires. Now on sale at select locations: The waterproof, cold proof, fire proof, bullet proof, skin tight swimming parka! Buy one and get a free child sized swimming parka in your choice of red, blue, yellow, beige, orange, lavender with teal spots, void, unknowable, and yesterday.

The oxygen tanks and masks do not come included with the swimming parka or the wetsuits, however, so save your pennies!

Winter swimsuit season waits for no one.

-----

We've also missed so many rumors. So very, very, very many rumors. In the interest of fairness, we're picking a single rumor from each month we missed to address.

Now, I am aware that one of these rumors concerns myself, but since it is clearly not true, we won't dare to speak it on the air.

Ever.

Now, on to the list!

[There's a lot of paper shuffling going on in here. Sounds like a whole goddamn book.]

Tony Clark held up a gas station during the month of September! Apparently, he was armed to the teeth and took out five police cars as he absconded into the night upon his roaring, expertly built Harley-Davidson. Please be on the lookout, as he is, according to this very real rumor, armed and extremely dangerous.

Ulric has been living a double life, viewers. A double life as a professional late night luchadore. No, Ulric's real name is Ultimate Ricardo, and you too can catch him on prime time TV, Sunday nights! I hear that his sleeper hold is completely unbreakable.

Breaking news: All Davids are actually the same David. Every single one of them. You simply imagine different Davids at any point in time. Science still does not know why.

And finally, one William Turner was seen buying beer for an entire school of underage elves in Fayren. However, considering what I learned about elves from all the years of reading and then watching Lord of the Rings, I assume this probably isn't as scandalous as one might hope. However there was a mention of Luke Triton in here, and I'm just going to assume that he supplied the forty two fake elf ID's.

-----

Are you tired, run down, listless? Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular?

Well there's nothing that can actually be done about that. You might, honestly, be dying. But! You shouldn't let that keep you from enjoying the last few days of your life, down at Ernie's Earnest Hors D'oeuvres!

Some may call our business name completely misleading, as all we serve are, actually, pigs in a blanket. That's all our chef knows how to make, but he makes it and he makes it well and he was dead set on turning this into a business, and we'll be damned if we tell him no.

Come in any time, and order from our vast menu of tiny hot dogs wrapped in various different kinds of bread, with an endless array of dipping sauces.

Ketchup! Ketchup with horse radish! Ketchup mixed with mustard! Ketchup and mayonnaise! Ketchup, but with the label written to say catsup, updog, and finally, the secret house sauce.

Made with red tomato sauce and an undisclosed amount of salt and vinegar.

Because if you're going to eat just one thing all the time, it may as well be the best.

-----

And now, the weather!

-----

Do you have questions? Better rumors? Want to advertise your business here? I mean, you will have to go up against Ernie's, but I have faith in you.

Call in here and now! First five callers get a spot on the air, live!

Please viewers, remember to keep it radio friendly.

-----

I do apologize again, gentle listeners, for being gone so very, very, terribly long. I'll put double the effort into the next few weeks into these shows in order to make it up to you. I missed all of you so very much, the thought of your smiling, warm, welcoming faces, comfortably resting at home, listening to your radio and gently, slowly, sweetly dozing off to the soft sound of my voice.

Lulling you all into restful, welcoming non existence.

Goodnight, tender listeners. Tomorrow shows such hope and promise for all of us. For you, your family, your friends and for our beloved cities.

Goodnight.

And good luck.