genessia | 09 BRAINS ; anonymous text

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09 BRAINS ; anonymous text

Back home, I had a purpose. I had focus. Something to make my life feel like it's not just myself I'm looking out for. Now that I'm here, I still have to do the same reprehensible things I did back home. The difference here is I have no way of making it a part of some greater good. I do what I can to give some good back to society to make up for what I have to do but it seems like all I manage to do things that make things seem more bleak. Add in the severe lack of hope I have for any lasting life changes here, the inability to actually have a future for myself or relationships, and living with the only person who could possibly make me feel worse, and I'm a bag of cheesy poofs away from living on the couch.

How does someone motivate him or herself here? How do I make up for doing something I know is terrible even if it's better than the alternative? How do I keep myself from becoming a monster who feeds on others and doesn't help anyone but myself when I don't have anything real to give in this world?

The one thing that made me "me," the one thing I was confident I could make a difference with isn't an option, so how do I define myself when I have no idea what makes me anything but disgusting?

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"You and I are a lot alike, it seems. That's how I feel about your words, at least."

It might not be the same but you have to find something worth holding onto. I also suggest not living with someone who makes you feel worse.

Find something else you can do, or that you want to do.

I consider myself a monster, so I'm afraid I can't help you with what you think of yourself. That's up to you.

[Says the guy with no hobbies who just wanders around most of the time looking for some sort of purpose...]

I doubt whether anyone ever has to do reprehensible things. Free will still operates, doesn't it? I doubly doubt that such acts could ever contribute to a greater good. I don't think the universe accepts that kind of currency.

I agree with the one upthread; unless the one living with you makes you feel worse as a byproduct of truth or something, it would be best to part.

As for hope, it's the usual. It may sound pat, but hope is for things unseen. The only way to get it is to believe in it, and be justified thereby. I have faith that real good can be worked in this world, and so should you.

Don't worry about "self"; defined or not, disgusting or not. A preoccupation with self never once made men happy. What might is the sober fact that most people are dirty, myself included. But what is that? Good can be drawn from impure hearts. Indeed, that is usually where it comes from.

[These anonymous cries for help are distressing. Does no one have friends to talk to here?]

All in all, do not despair. I believe all fallen creation, this piece of it included, has need of the good, and that we can enact it. It hangs on faith, true, but that it what motivates me, at least.

I'm not sure what 'cheesy poofs' are but it would be a waste to spend your days on the couch when there are so many things worth discovering out there.

Besides we all have something to give. Whoever we are, whatever our skills, our strengths and our weaknesses. I don't know you but I'm sure you're someone worth knowing. The simple fact that you feel bad about not helping others enough, at least in your opinion, shows you're a good person at heart.

We all go through moments of doubt... of despair, even. [Mavis remembered wanting to die back then, in that forest. And yes, there's not many people who like life more that Mavis does.] When you feel like that, there's nothing wrong with letting people help you out.

They're food. Very bad for you health-wise, but comforting.

Having something to give and making up for doing something disgusting is very different. The skills I acquired in my world are ones that aren't any use here. Magic, the lack of death- they basically invalidate what I spent my entire life learning to do so I could make a difference.

I don't think I'm a bad person. I'm a good person. I know that. I've met monsters- I live with one. It doesn't make me any less disgusted with myself. What I'm looking for isn't some sort of feel-good "buck up, life isn't that bad" speech. I need to find something to make what I do okay. I need a way to motivate myself, not a way to suddenly be okay with something I don't want to be okay with because that's what would make me a monster.

Edited 2016-03-28 22:07 (UTC)

Waaaaaah. Call a waaaaambulance.

Wanting to make up for something disgusting implies you can't stop doing it. Is that the truth? ...That you're doing it despite yourself and you can't stop? [Like a Curse? Because that she could related to.] Because if you're disgusted with what you do or could do... It's not so easy to find something that could make it okay.[Short of wanting your own life to end.]

Did you use to save lives back in your world? If so, there's nothing preventing you from doing it here, not even magic or lack of death. Unless... [Mavis blinks looking at the screen. Is that even possible?] you somehow needed people to be dead to be able to help them?

I'm sorry if I gave you the impression I was saying you should be okay with the way your life is right now. That's not what I meant. But it is true that life isn't so bad. Especially when you're not living it on your own. It's not just a speech, it's truly what I think.

You need to find what could give your life a meaning, I agree. But you first need to genuinely believe that this thing is possible to find. You say you live with a monster: well protecting others from that person or helping them becoming less of a monster could be a start. It might not be as big a meaning as what you're hoping for but you have to start somewhere.

Edited 2016-03-28 23:28 (UTC)

wait wait wait you feed on people?

let's get dinner some time :)

Sorry if you're going through something similar then. It's not a fun feeling.

It doesn't help that my friends and family aren't here. Unfortunately, the person I'm living with needs to be monitored by someone who's in the know. Lest he decides to find some way to make the problem worse and take advantage of it again. The fact that we've agreed not to try to kill each other is an honest improvement from our previous relationship.

Most of my life had been dedicated to one trade. When this initially happened, I had to use those skills to learn something in a slightly similar field that helped me get what I needed to survive without killing anyone. I'm currently working in a similar position, but the way this world works basically invalidates any good I can do. Magic and a bounty-hunting system instead of one based on finding facts and evidence make sure of that. The one way I've managed to use my skills here seems to just be making things worse.

Do you want to be a monster?

My free will is the will to choose between doing what I have to, dying- which isn't even an option here, or letting the apocalypse roll in for humans. There's no free will in being diseased unless I'm the kind of person who wants to let humans die out.

That person needs to be watched. I can't just let him out into the world alone when I have a chance to keep him from doing what he always finds a way to do.

Self is important to me. Without a sense of myself, I stop existing and what's left is the remnants of other dead people or a flesh-eating monster straight out of a horror movie. It's part of what I am now and without any way to cure it here, that's what I have to accept. It's not a selfish obsession, it's a matter of actually being a person.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by with the comment but I'm not really looking to have someone argue with things I know as facts from months of dealing with it. I'd rather try to find a way to improve it or solve the problem and find some way to pull myself out of this, not just try to write it off as okay because it's out of my hands. Because it's not.

[ Sorry Neo, Liv's not an idiot when she's not on a brain that wants to fight. She's not going to feed the troll. ]

Metaphorical feeding.

[ No it's not. ]

How do you get your food if you eat people?

Edited 2016-03-29 00:21 (UTC)

Sounds like we're in similar situations. I have yet to solve my own problems so I can't help with yours. All I know is how to kill.

I didn't ask to be turned into this. I just live with it.

i eat meat

very

very

rare meat

{ Pun completely intended. }

[ Whoops, it works. Neo forgets about this and finds something else to do. ]

The other options are death or apocalypse. So yes, it's the truth.

Saving lives at one point. Which I can attempt to do here, but frankly magic and the fact that people don't stay dead here make how I did it pretty much a moot point. The dead part too though. I can't help the dead people, but I can help find murderers and find the evidence needed to put them behind bars where they can't put anyone.

Okay, except that implies an actual having of life. Being dead puts a damper on that point, so does not actually being able to be with anyone because of the aforementioned disease that killed me. (Which, by the way, not curable by anything here.)

New question then: How do you help a self-serving jerk who murders homeless kids and tries to infect people with the same disease you have so he can make money off of the victims? He stopped but doesn't actually regret it so much as I cured him with a precursor to a functional cure so he doesn't have the ability to infect anyone anymore. Said cure was only produced in a small amount and wasted and we haven't been able to replicate more even in my world. What and who we need to do so doesn't exist here either.

What kind of meat? :(

And I said get not take.

[ stop the puns. :( ]

Do you have to eat humans to live?

Me neither. Sounds like we really are in similar boats.

whatever i can get my hands on really

the job i have now i don't wanna screw up, lets me do my research in peace

Edited 2016-03-29 00:40 (UTC)

I don't know if I had to, but I did.

I know the feeling. My job is literally a meal ticket for me.

Do you still?

If you don't want to kill and you still need to eat, I may be able to help.

I haven't here. I'll be fine.

Wasn't this suppose to be about you?

Maybe making sure that people who are forced into that sort of situation don't have to kill to eat is about me. I've never killed someone to eat but it's what I might have to do if I wasn't who I am. I don't get a choice in what I eat, but I can choose where it comes from. It's the one thing I know how to do here that I can still do.

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