genessia | [action | closed] Not sure what you expected, but I guess it wasn't this.

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[action | closed] Not sure what you expected, but I guess it wasn't this.

Who: Sanzo and Amberdrake
What: Sanzo has a realization of sorts and runs off
Where: Hotel room(s)
When: Mid August
Warnings: Angst at some point, probably

The days leading up to now had been tense, in a way that made Sanzo even more frustrated. Frustration was common for him, there was little that didn't annoy him in some way, but this was worse by dint of being different. He couldn't quite place why he was so on edge, he couldn't do shit about it, and he knew it was only so long before Amberdrake prodded him about it. His irritation wasn't subtle, it wouldn't take Drake's level of observation to notice how much Sanzo was smoking lately or how he snapped and snarled at the smallest thing.

Staring directly at the man wasn't going to help anything! Sanzo looked back at the newspaper, not comprehending a word of it. Something about this mess had to do directly with Drake, something had sprung up since that nightmare, but he couldn't fathom why it bothered him this much. Oh, he was an idiot. He was a goddamn fucking idiot. He stared at the newspaper in horror for a moment before getting to his feet in a rush.

He had his robes pulled up properly, breastplate in place, and was headed for the door before Drake had much time to react to the sudden blast of alarm he gave off.

"I'll be back later," was all he offered by way of explanation and then he was out the door.

-----

Later came, much later, and Sanzo couldn't face Amberdrake yet. His mind had been swirling with alarm and all the stupid, obvious "hints" he'd been so content to ignore. He couldn't have made more of a fool out of himself with this mess and what was he supposed to do?! It was terrifying enough to be friends with a damn non-combatant with such a soft heart, the thought of anything more than that made Sanzo feel sick with anxiety. He could blame it on that bullshit lifebond, whatever-it-was, but that didn't make him feel any different.

Instead of going back he'd found a hotel room in hide in for a while as he cleared his mind. He needed to think about this, think about it a lot, before he could say anything to Drake. The most he'd been able to do was send Drake a quick message saying he'd be home sometime tomorrow. He turned off the communicator-phone-thing after that and stared out the small window. It wasn't taking him long to build a small mountain of cigarette butts in the ashtray.

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And Amberdrake, of course, had only been wondering more and more as the days went on if he'd inadvertently done something. The timing after that nightmare was unmistakable... was it the things he'd said to what he'd believed at the time was a dead Sanzo? He didn't know what to do about that, except continue on as though nothing had changed.

But it had. Sanzo was so tense. And then the priest left, and Amberdrake stared after him in concerned surprise.

It didn't take him long to start looking for Sanzo. Long before the message about being back 'tomorrow' came in, Amberdrake had sent the birds out looking and had taken to the sidewalks as well, himself. He peered into alleys and parks, and checked around hotels and bars as he went, using Empathy to scan each building in turn for that familiar signature. There were so many fake people around, the check wasn't hard. Those he felt who were real were easily ruled out -- years of familiarity with Sanzo made that possible.

He'd worried himself sick by the time he found the hotel Sanzo was in, his careful appearance in disarray like a bird that had been plucking itself.

There was an Empathic 'searching' blip that pinged off Sanzo's -- lack of -- shields, a few minutes before there was a knock at the room's door. "Sanzo?" Amberdrake called through the door, worry in his voice. He'd cinched his shields up tight after locating the priest, who he never called 'Genjyo' in public. "Sanzo, I'm sorry. I need to know that you're okay."

Sanzo had been so lost in thought he hadn't noticed anyone approaching the door before they knocked. Had their been footsteps to hear? When he registered that it was Amberdrake's voice at the door and then what he said... His chest felt tight, a mixture of anxiety and guilt adding to the build of alarm and confusion he'd already been warring with. He'd only make it worse by not answering.

"Coming," he said after a pause, wondering just how Drake had found him this fast. It was another moment or two before he got to his feet and made his way to the door. Again a pause before he opened it, his eyes averted, watching Drake out of the side of his vision.

"I'm fine." It sounded weak even to him. He wasn't fooling himself, he surely wasn't fooling Drake, but he had no idea what else to say.

Amberdrake looked Sanzo over as thoroughly as only a worried Healer could. With both his sight and the Gift, eyes going unfocused for that part of the scan. Sanzo seemed unharmed.

"Did something happen?" Drake asked as the Gift retreated and his eyes refocused. He only wasn't wringing his hands in anxiety due to decades of training. No, his hands stayed loose, relaxed, hanging at his sides where they belonged. Amberdrake was a good kestra'chern; a good Healer. He couldn't alarm anyone by showing his distress! "Whenever you ran off like this on Haven," his voice stayed calm, soft, "something had happened."

But then, he'd never found Sanzo already in a hotel room on those occasions. No, he'd herded him out of alleys, scraped him off park benches... "Kain isn't here, is he?" he asked before he thought better of it; he had to ask. "If it's him again..."

Drake wouldn't stop at paralyzing the vampire in the street for a chat, this time! No, he'd surgically remove the bastard's spine, and maybe a few other parts, too.

Despite all his efforts, Amberdrake's hands moved, knitting together with his worry.

Drake finished talking before Sanzo had taken any of it in. The last question clicked and he finally looked directly at Drake, suddenly noticing how much distress he had to be in. He could feel it but there was so much else he was sorting through. Seeing Drake in a less that perfect state while in public was worrying. And Sanzo's fault of course!

He stepped back to let Drake step inside, his frown growing more severe as his guilt intensified.

"No. I don't know who that is and nothing's happened." That wasn't going to make Drake stop worrying, damnit. He leaned against a wall near the door, trying to think of something to say to explain this that wasn't the real answer.

That only left one explanation to Drake's mind. He didn't move to come inside, his gaze dropping to the floor. "It's me, then."

A slow inhale, a slow exhale. Drake was trying to steady himself.

"Or rather, what you heard in the nightmare." Heard, not saw.

The timing... it couldn't be anything else.

Edited 2016-08-14 09:45 (UTC)

Sanzo let out a long, tired sigh. No there was no easy way out of this. He felt the absurd desire to flee, to actually bolt this time. There was the window? He shook his head and headed for the window to close it. There should be no one to hear them talk outside a cracked window on the second floor but he was feeling more paranoid than usual.

"Come in and close the door," he said, glancing back at Drake. Was he doing anything but torturing him at this point? "I'm not explaining anything while the door's open."

Amberdrake almost bolted, instead. But he didn't. The kestra'chern drew on his training and smoothed his hands back to his sides before doing as asked of him, shutting the door.

The tension in the room was suffocating. Sanzo considered reopening the window but sat down on the edge of the bed instead. He had to say something to keep Drake from imploding from the stress, but- But he had a hundred reasons he could barely think of what to say.

"You aren't the problem," he blurted out in desperation to say anything. He took a deep breath. It didn't calm him in the slightest.

"The nightmare was a coincidence." No it wasn't. "It forced me to think- shit."

"How did you not figure it out? I'm a goddamned coward..." He trailed off, not looking at Drake.

Drake found a chair and sat down in it, folding his hands neatly in his lap.

"I've tried to keep from... inflicting my feelings on you," he said slowly, because he was at a loss as to what else it could be. "If you need space... I can get another room. The birds would," he had to pause to clear his throat, sounding calm otherwise. His shields stayed cinched up tight. "The birds would still like to see you, I'm sure..."

"Drake." Sanzo wasn't sure if he was more frustrated with the healer or with himself. "You are the most insufferably dense person I have ever met."

"I wanted time to think, that is all," Sanzo continued after a short pause. He wanted to do anything but keep talking. "I don't want space. Drake, we've been sharing a bed for months, think for a goddamned second about why I might be okay with that? Or anything else? 'Inflicting' your feelings on me, what a load of crap."

He was hoping more than anything he wouldn't have to say anything directly, that was terrifying, just the thought. Just feeling what he did tripled the anxiety he already had for Drake's safety, spelling it out so plainly was too much.

"--The lifebond?" Amberdrake hazarded, "I... I don't know, you're a lot more tolerant of things like touch than you were before..."

He inhaled slowly again, and shut his eyes for a moment. "If you're asking me to bend my professional training to the problem... I can't. I'm too involved to even see it."

Sanzo didn't want space? But...

Did that mean...? No, it couldn't. Surely not, not a second time.

Fuck it. Fuck it. He wasn't going to get time to think and thinking about it only served to make the problem look ten times worse. So before he could think of another agonizing, bullshit thing to say, he got to his feet, strode towards Drake- of course this room had to be so small!-, leaned in, and pressed his lips against Drake's.

He snapped to awareness a half-second later and his head jerked back before he could even consider what he'd just done. When had he put his hands on Drake's shoulders? Sanzo was overwhelmed, unable to pick out what he was feeling most and desperately wanting to escape all of it. He was too scattered, too much in a panic, to keep himself from beelining for the door. He had to escape.

Amberdrake grabbed for one of Sanzo's hands as it left his shoulder, and held on when the priest tried to go for the door. "What--" he was a bit flabbergasted, taken completely by surprise. "You can't be serious--! Twice?"

Sanzo... liked him?

A second time?

Was that even allowed?

"Yes!" Why did he have to be so dense about this?! Sanzo knew why but- goddamnit! He stared at the wall, not wanting to look at Drake. He was mortified and worried sick over Drake's reaction once the shock wore off. He was such an idiot.

Drake just stared at the back of Sanzo's head for a few moments, processing that.

"..."

Then, he started pulling steadily on that captured hand.

Sanzo was caught off guard long enough to be pulled back a few inches. He felt dazed, still painfully unsure of where this was going. With how horrible this must have been for Drake, he half expected a rebuke. He dug in his heels and watched Drake over his shoulder, wary.

"Oh, you're such a stubborn ass," Amberdrake laughed, some of the tension leaving him.

Sanzo was still Sanzo, after all.

He pulled harder!

Sanzo stumbled backwards, he didn't have much in the way of leverage, the way he and Drake had been situated! He cursed himself for not adjusting when he had the chance. He'd have to settle for looking down at Drake, his worry poorly masked by annoyance.

"What?" Sanzo wasn't sure he wanted the answer.

Drake just got an arm around Sanzo's waist while he was still off-balance, and hauled him sideways into his lap!

"Always, I said," Drake's voice was gentle and calm despite his almost-aggressive actions. "Always, Genjo, always I would feel the way I do. But I knew it would not always be welcome. Do you think I would turn you away? Do you think that I'm even capable?"

Sanzo stifled an undignified yelp as he was caught. To his credit, he didn't immediately try to escape, though it was on his mind, along with the thought of how comical he'd look trying. He did start to relax as Drake spoke. He wasn't even sure why he had worried over that, but the fear had been there and sharp.

"Hnn. I'd forgotten, why wouldn't that change how you felt?" He'd just been in denial. "I don't know how different I was or wasn't before."

"You were a lot meaner," Amberdrake rested his cheek on Sanzo's shoulder. "Until you mellowed out... which took years. And I don't mean 'a bit cranky'; I mean you once threatened to put bullets through my hands, and knees. Had the gun out and everything, and that feral look that said you were serious... we couldn't die in Haven, but we could be maimed. That's how it was, at first."

"...How did you stand me like that for so long?" His tone was apologetic, he wouldn't want to deal with himself like that. That Drake got away without being maimed was impressive. He couldn't say what it would take to pull him out of that state of mind without Goku, or at least Hakkai, around. Gojyo might make it worse.

Despite his resistance at first, Sanzo was comfortable. Still tense, but it would be a hard won battle to get him to relax more than this. He was unsure if it was good or bad to know he'd been even worse to Drake before. What kind of person was this man attracted to?

'Assholes' was the obvious answer.

"You needed the help," Amberdrake answered simply enough, "and I was the only one even remotely equipped to offer it, so I did. Haven was relentlessly cruel to you."

The number of times Drake had carefully gathered up the pieces of Sanzo's psyche... even he couldn't count them!

"You were dangerous, and volatile, but so is a wounded kyree or gryphon. And obviously that isn't the only side of you I ever saw, especially as time went on."

"Right." Of course something had changed, he'd figured that, but still. Drake was more stubborn about his dedication to being so damn helpful than Sanzo thought possible. With another pang of guilt he reminded himself he should be grateful, not skeptical. It was difficult to not question it when he was involved.

"You still care too much Drake." Who was he to complain? He could always find a way.

"It has its rewards," Amberdrake said with a smile, his cheek still on Sanzo's shoulder.

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