No, she'd had them on her own, but they were nowhere near as fun. Work. Punishment. Pain.
And being with the Doctor meant never giving up on adventures.
On finding werewolves and Queen Victoria exiling them, hilarious. At joking around while preventing world war 3. Or laughing even when they were literally in hell.
Even with the MetaCrisis, she still had a billion trillion more adventures ahead.
And he did too.
But without her.
Apart from her.
It felt so weird and disjointed again.
"I can't... I can't live in a world without the Doctor. I tried," Rose said quietly, eyes darknening as she found herself looking intently at hoodies on a rack for no reason other than that they were there. And it was summer, but fall and winter were always around the corner. Well, she had more than enough hoodies left on the TARDIS still.
She looked up at Amy, slowly processing the alst part. "I already am. Being there while he fights his battle to figure out what he wants. No. We both are. Him and me. He's giving me that space too. Part of him..." She blew air out through her cheeks. "Phew.... Part of him doesn't like that. Definitely not. And part of him is... trying to run on ahead, thinkin' I'm already gone, and maybe that's for the best, yeah?"
She closed her eyes and tilted her head up to look at the ceiling.
She told him he didn't have a chance with her there, to just let her go, and.... that clearly wasn't half as true as she meant it.
But he couldn't be to her what Jack was. Never would be. No one else was Jack.
And she didn't want to be Martha or Sarah Jane or Renneitte, or River or Cleopatra --
She knew who she was.
Rose Tyler.
"I know... who I am. What I want." She bit her bottom lip, eyes closed again, mind racing to put all the pieces into their proper places. "I know... the older Doctor can't... handle that." Because it would be too much rewind for him. Because Rose didn't want to exist in the same space as River Song or anyone else, and he wasn't so refracted from time as her. She was where she stood. When she stood. He was everywhere at once, and never all in the moment. Couldn't be either. "And I'm not asking him to," she growled darkly.
And rubbed between her eyes. "Tie-Doctor... he'll figure it out. Just needs a little help gettin' there, I think."
Getting where?
To knowing what he wanted enough to seek it. To go after life and chances and hopes and dreams instead of giving up and giving into the darkness.
And the older Doctor was like that too! And it just brought the most fight out in her. She spent so long fighting it, fighting the darkness overtaking him, fighting his many deaths and the world without him, she didn't know how to switch gears now. To turn off the fight and gently just hold his hand and let him ramble about history and fair park foods and rides and monsters and whatever other thing came into his head. No, well, she could and would happily do that, but she didn't know how to let it happen when he was so shut down and not even interested in those things anymore.
She tilted her head at Amy. "I know... the Doctor was a lot more lost before and after me. Those moments closest to those days, yeah? But even the Older Doctor..." she shook his head. "He's twice as old now. It's not like I mind any of it, but like I said... I don't know --" Her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth.
He said she made him better. And all those times he was suicidal was because that's how he was before her. Without her, he lost hope. Light. Reason to live.
Her eyes narrowed on nothing.
How was she supposed to make him better now?
WAS she supposed to make him better?
She just wanted to be his friend again, surely that was enough, that was all she'd done before, same as with the dalek.
But the selfish parts of her wanted more.
So much more.
She tsked her tongue quietly. "Mickey deserved... better, right? Someone who chould help him be his best, be happier with that. With me, we were always too... failsafe. I ran off to Norway, and he still took me back after that. I ran off with the Doctor, was missing a year, and he got arrested four times for my murder, and he still was willing to make a go of it... if only I'd been more..."
She huffed again, really like the big bad wolf now, folding her arms. "See, right? That's the thing. I've learned from that mistake. I didn't date or even snog any blokes all the years I was tryin' ta get back to the Doctor. Not for him. But for me, and for them. Because I wouldn't be completely there. I wouldn't be into it. I'd just be usin' them, and I'm bettar than that, and I know I am. NOW? Here?!" She spread her hands again in another exasperated shrug before rubbing between her eyes once more.
"I can't put everythin' where it needs to be. I know... what you said about River, but even if she's okay with it... I can't do that. To either of them. Or me. Because I don't want to waste my time on second best. Or bein' that way. With Tie Doctor? I don't know. I just had a melt down into the moment, really. Too much at once, too much everything. Jack, him, the universe, timing, all of it just colliding and I couldn't think of a better thing to do, as mad as that sounds."
She laughed and shook her head, rubbing her eyes with one hand. "Yeah... I don't think... Tie Doctor knows what he wants yet. And I'll definitely give him all the time he needs to figure it out, yeah? And I'll... I'll be here. I'll stay." She chewed her bottom lip, finally making up her mind about that. "But the older Doctor said... There was this time, when he brought Micks on board, after I'd let him go, after I told him to go out with Trish Delaney, because I didn't want him to just come runnin' on my call, that would never be a sure thing... because the Doctor wanted to push me away, right? So he took along Micks after a year of tellin' me no. And then the Doctor ran off to be with Madame du Pompadour in 17th century France, and 5 and a half hours after he smashed the portals, he had NO way back. And the guitarist Doctor said I would have piloted the TARDIS to ask him what he thought he was up to but..."
She chewed her bottom lip more. "I don't know. I hate it. I don't want to be like River. He can't just run off and marry Cleopatra and think I'll just wait for him, or come get him or whatever other daft thing is in his head. I'm not interested in marrying her too. I'm just not. If he doesn't want me, then he should just bl***y say so!" A huff and she quieted down, calming down likewise, brown eyes hurt though all the same. "And if he does want me, than he has to," she held a hand up leveled and high. "Rise to it. Because he's better than that too. And I'm not gonna waste my patience on a daft alien git who'd give up rather than fight on like he taught me to do."
She rolled her shoulders in a shrug. "Guess I'm high maintenance like that." She snorted quietly. "Who'd'a thunk."
But he had to try. He had to make the effort. He had to actually want to be with her enough to say so. Not just run away and hide like a coward. Not just treat her like the others, like she could just be forgotten about. Like she hadn't done all she did. And for what? Maybe the Universe didn't owe her anything. But the Doctor? More than respect. Either fight for her, or let her go, or some other option she didn't know of yet. But taking her for granted would get her back up everytime.
"I can wait on him. I can let him figure out what he wants. But I can't pretend he can just forget I exist and I'll keep cleaning up after him! We're both better than that!" Rose stomped a foot on the floor and kicked it with a scoffing heel.
no subject
It was a weird anathema to Rose.
Adventures.... were with the Doctor.
No, she'd had them on her own, but they were nowhere near as fun. Work. Punishment. Pain.
And being with the Doctor meant never giving up on adventures.
On finding werewolves and Queen Victoria exiling them, hilarious. At joking around while preventing world war 3. Or laughing even when they were literally in hell.
Even with the MetaCrisis, she still had a billion trillion more adventures ahead.
And he did too.
But without her.
Apart from her.
It felt so weird and disjointed again.
"I can't... I can't live in a world without the Doctor. I tried," Rose said quietly, eyes darknening as she found herself looking intently at hoodies on a rack for no reason other than that they were there. And it was summer, but fall and winter were always around the corner. Well, she had more than enough hoodies left on the TARDIS still.
She looked up at Amy, slowly processing the alst part. "I already am. Being there while he fights his battle to figure out what he wants. No. We both are. Him and me. He's giving me that space too. Part of him..." She blew air out through her cheeks. "Phew.... Part of him doesn't like that. Definitely not. And part of him is... trying to run on ahead, thinkin' I'm already gone, and maybe that's for the best, yeah?"
She closed her eyes and tilted her head up to look at the ceiling.
She told him he didn't have a chance with her there, to just let her go, and.... that clearly wasn't half as true as she meant it.
But he couldn't be to her what Jack was. Never would be. No one else was Jack.
And she didn't want to be Martha or Sarah Jane or Renneitte, or River or Cleopatra --
She knew who she was.
Rose Tyler.
"I know... who I am. What I want." She bit her bottom lip, eyes closed again, mind racing to put all the pieces into their proper places. "I know... the older Doctor can't... handle that." Because it would be too much rewind for him. Because Rose didn't want to exist in the same space as River Song or anyone else, and he wasn't so refracted from time as her. She was where she stood. When she stood. He was everywhere at once, and never all in the moment. Couldn't be either. "And I'm not asking him to," she growled darkly.
And rubbed between her eyes. "Tie-Doctor... he'll figure it out. Just needs a little help gettin' there, I think."
Getting where?
To knowing what he wanted enough to seek it. To go after life and chances and hopes and dreams instead of giving up and giving into the darkness.
And the older Doctor was like that too! And it just brought the most fight out in her. She spent so long fighting it, fighting the darkness overtaking him, fighting his many deaths and the world without him, she didn't know how to switch gears now. To turn off the fight and gently just hold his hand and let him ramble about history and fair park foods and rides and monsters and whatever other thing came into his head. No, well, she could and would happily do that, but she didn't know how to let it happen when he was so shut down and not even interested in those things anymore.
She tilted her head at Amy. "I know... the Doctor was a lot more lost before and after me. Those moments closest to those days, yeah? But even the Older Doctor..." she shook his head. "He's twice as old now. It's not like I mind any of it, but like I said... I don't know --" Her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth.
He said she made him better. And all those times he was suicidal was because that's how he was before her. Without her, he lost hope. Light. Reason to live.
Her eyes narrowed on nothing.
How was she supposed to make him better now?
WAS she supposed to make him better?
She just wanted to be his friend again, surely that was enough, that was all she'd done before, same as with the dalek.
But the selfish parts of her wanted more.
So much more.
She tsked her tongue quietly. "Mickey deserved... better, right? Someone who chould help him be his best, be happier with that. With me, we were always too... failsafe. I ran off to Norway, and he still took me back after that. I ran off with the Doctor, was missing a year, and he got arrested four times for my murder, and he still was willing to make a go of it... if only I'd been more..."
She huffed again, really like the big bad wolf now, folding her arms. "See, right? That's the thing. I've learned from that mistake. I didn't date or even snog any blokes all the years I was tryin' ta get back to the Doctor. Not for him. But for me, and for them. Because I wouldn't be completely there. I wouldn't be into it. I'd just be usin' them, and I'm bettar than that, and I know I am. NOW? Here?!" She spread her hands again in another exasperated shrug before rubbing between her eyes once more.
"I can't put everythin' where it needs to be. I know... what you said about River, but even if she's okay with it... I can't do that. To either of them. Or me. Because I don't want to waste my time on second best. Or bein' that way. With Tie Doctor? I don't know. I just had a melt down into the moment, really. Too much at once, too much everything. Jack, him, the universe, timing, all of it just colliding and I couldn't think of a better thing to do, as mad as that sounds."
She laughed and shook her head, rubbing her eyes with one hand. "Yeah... I don't think... Tie Doctor knows what he wants yet. And I'll definitely give him all the time he needs to figure it out, yeah? And I'll... I'll be here. I'll stay." She chewed her bottom lip, finally making up her mind about that. "But the older Doctor said... There was this time, when he brought Micks on board, after I'd let him go, after I told him to go out with Trish Delaney, because I didn't want him to just come runnin' on my call, that would never be a sure thing... because the Doctor wanted to push me away, right? So he took along Micks after a year of tellin' me no. And then the Doctor ran off to be with Madame du Pompadour in 17th century France, and 5 and a half hours after he smashed the portals, he had NO way back. And the guitarist Doctor said I would have piloted the TARDIS to ask him what he thought he was up to but..."
She chewed her bottom lip more. "I don't know. I hate it. I don't want to be like River. He can't just run off and marry Cleopatra and think I'll just wait for him, or come get him or whatever other daft thing is in his head. I'm not interested in marrying her too. I'm just not. If he doesn't want me, then he should just bl***y say so!" A huff and she quieted down, calming down likewise, brown eyes hurt though all the same. "And if he does want me, than he has to," she held a hand up leveled and high. "Rise to it. Because he's better than that too. And I'm not gonna waste my patience on a daft alien git who'd give up rather than fight on like he taught me to do."
She rolled her shoulders in a shrug. "Guess I'm high maintenance like that." She snorted quietly. "Who'd'a thunk."
But he had to try. He had to make the effort. He had to actually want to be with her enough to say so. Not just run away and hide like a coward. Not just treat her like the others, like she could just be forgotten about. Like she hadn't done all she did. And for what? Maybe the Universe didn't owe her anything. But the Doctor? More than respect. Either fight for her, or let her go, or some other option she didn't know of yet. But taking her for granted would get her back up everytime.
"I can wait on him. I can let him figure out what he wants. But I can't pretend he can just forget I exist and I'll keep cleaning up after him! We're both better than that!" Rose stomped a foot on the floor and kicked it with a scoffing heel.