genessia | Video / Action

Entry tags:

Video / Action

[Video:]

[If all her other posts were far more serious in nature, this one is clearly not.]

[Rose holds up a stuffed animal unicorn.] I need a name for it. Not Uni, though I'm thinkin' it can be Attleton U's mascot if they don't already have one, yeah?

Action x2:

Investigating Vampire Deaths:

[You know how Everglade isn't safe for humans? Rose Tyler did not seem to get the memo. She's doing her best to snoop and investigate the nightclub "hate crime" and asking way too many questions of a blonde perky human where humans should not be. She also is talking up the other nightclubs and spreading word about unity and harmony between all peoples! BLECH!]

Exploring

[Even Rose can admit, there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of point to trying to move out. WELL, MAYBE THERE IS. Things are more confused than ever, but maybe they'll sort out? Probably NOT by running away though, even if that's what she's good at. Still as she checks out jobs and office spaces that would be best to locate Torchwood in, she finds herself looking at apartments and the like too, almost out of habit.]

[She also gets a bit distracted playing with storefront puppies, and trying not to drool over bass guitars.]

[Might need to get one...]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Not just all men," she said with a chuckle. "And maybe not even all men. Women too. Not an alien thing, if anything, I think it makes him seem more human. Very few people, of any species, want the same thing all the time, in the same way. And times of transition could be confusing. I love Rory, always have. But night before our wedding? I was scared to death. Enough to run away with the Doctor. And then that proved even scarier when I almost was turned into a weeping angel. I thought telling the Doctor after that about the wedding would help me realize Rory was who I was supposed to be with and that I should stop adventuring. Instead? I snogged the Doctor because I suddenly wanted both and neither. I wanted him to push me away because part of me knew it was the wrong choice, I wanted him to let me in because I needed that comfort. And when he pushed me away, I pushed back because I felt tired of having no control and frustrated and..." she shook her head. "In the end... where I thought either I'd have chosen him or never see him again... he kidnapped Rory and we still went on adventures, but as the three of us.And they both put up with me, with the fact that I knew what was right and what I wanted, but that there was also something else that I wanted that almost...almost...felt right. They put up with me pulling them close and pushing them away while everything sorted out. I know now the choice I made was the right choice. Now if I had to chose between the adventures and Rory it would be Rory. Every time and without hesitation. They gave me the space and comfort to make that choice. They took away the pressure to chose, and when the pressure did come, when I had to make my choice, it didn't come from either of them. Greatest gift they could have ever given me. Hanging around, being there for and with me while I took the time I needed to find out what it was I wanted most. When I realized that I was perfectly willing to risk my life and the Doctor's on a hunch, rather than live in a world without Rory, and the Doctor let me. That was when I knew.... The Doctor was my best friend, always would be. But I could, if I had to, live in a world without him. It would be a dark world, and maybe a part of me would never be happy again, a part of me would die with him, but I could survive. If I lost Rory, I was gone too. Completely."

"I don't know if you can give that to the Doctor. I don't think I'd be strong enough to give that to anyone else. To be there while they fight their own inner battles, while they try to find what they want, knowing it might not be me, But it sounds like you and the Doctor really need to give that to each other." She turned back to the racks, really not sure Rose and tie-Doctor could.

Adventures... or the Doctor?

It was a weird anathema to Rose.

Adventures.... were with the Doctor.

No, she'd had them on her own, but they were nowhere near as fun. Work. Punishment. Pain.

And being with the Doctor meant never giving up on adventures.

On finding werewolves and Queen Victoria exiling them, hilarious. At joking around while preventing world war 3. Or laughing even when they were literally in hell.

Even with the MetaCrisis, she still had a billion trillion more adventures ahead.

And he did too.

But without her.

Apart from her.

It felt so weird and disjointed again.

"I can't... I can't live in a world without the Doctor. I tried," Rose said quietly, eyes darknening as she found herself looking intently at hoodies on a rack for no reason other than that they were there. And it was summer, but fall and winter were always around the corner. Well, she had more than enough hoodies left on the TARDIS still.

She looked up at Amy, slowly processing the alst part. "I already am. Being there while he fights his battle to figure out what he wants. No. We both are. Him and me. He's giving me that space too. Part of him..." She blew air out through her cheeks. "Phew.... Part of him doesn't like that. Definitely not. And part of him is... trying to run on ahead, thinkin' I'm already gone, and maybe that's for the best, yeah?"

She closed her eyes and tilted her head up to look at the ceiling.

She told him he didn't have a chance with her there, to just let her go, and.... that clearly wasn't half as true as she meant it.

But he couldn't be to her what Jack was. Never would be. No one else was Jack.

And she didn't want to be Martha or Sarah Jane or Renneitte, or River or Cleopatra --

She knew who she was.

Rose Tyler.

"I know... who I am. What I want." She bit her bottom lip, eyes closed again, mind racing to put all the pieces into their proper places. "I know... the older Doctor can't... handle that." Because it would be too much rewind for him. Because Rose didn't want to exist in the same space as River Song or anyone else, and he wasn't so refracted from time as her. She was where she stood. When she stood. He was everywhere at once, and never all in the moment. Couldn't be either. "And I'm not asking him to," she growled darkly.

And rubbed between her eyes. "Tie-Doctor... he'll figure it out. Just needs a little help gettin' there, I think."

Getting where?

To knowing what he wanted enough to seek it. To go after life and chances and hopes and dreams instead of giving up and giving into the darkness.

And the older Doctor was like that too! And it just brought the most fight out in her. She spent so long fighting it, fighting the darkness overtaking him, fighting his many deaths and the world without him, she didn't know how to switch gears now. To turn off the fight and gently just hold his hand and let him ramble about history and fair park foods and rides and monsters and whatever other thing came into his head. No, well, she could and would happily do that, but she didn't know how to let it happen when he was so shut down and not even interested in those things anymore.

She tilted her head at Amy. "I know... the Doctor was a lot more lost before and after me. Those moments closest to those days, yeah? But even the Older Doctor..." she shook his head. "He's twice as old now. It's not like I mind any of it, but like I said... I don't know --" Her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth.

He said she made him better. And all those times he was suicidal was because that's how he was before her. Without her, he lost hope. Light. Reason to live.

Her eyes narrowed on nothing.

How was she supposed to make him better now?

WAS she supposed to make him better?

She just wanted to be his friend again, surely that was enough, that was all she'd done before, same as with the dalek.

But the selfish parts of her wanted more.

So much more.

She tsked her tongue quietly. "Mickey deserved... better, right? Someone who chould help him be his best, be happier with that. With me, we were always too... failsafe. I ran off to Norway, and he still took me back after that. I ran off with the Doctor, was missing a year, and he got arrested four times for my murder, and he still was willing to make a go of it... if only I'd been more..."

She huffed again, really like the big bad wolf now, folding her arms. "See, right? That's the thing. I've learned from that mistake. I didn't date or even snog any blokes all the years I was tryin' ta get back to the Doctor. Not for him. But for me, and for them. Because I wouldn't be completely there. I wouldn't be into it. I'd just be usin' them, and I'm bettar than that, and I know I am. NOW? Here?!" She spread her hands again in another exasperated shrug before rubbing between her eyes once more.

"I can't put everythin' where it needs to be. I know... what you said about River, but even if she's okay with it... I can't do that. To either of them. Or me. Because I don't want to waste my time on second best. Or bein' that way. With Tie Doctor? I don't know. I just had a melt down into the moment, really. Too much at once, too much everything. Jack, him, the universe, timing, all of it just colliding and I couldn't think of a better thing to do, as mad as that sounds."

She laughed and shook her head, rubbing her eyes with one hand. "Yeah... I don't think... Tie Doctor knows what he wants yet. And I'll definitely give him all the time he needs to figure it out, yeah? And I'll... I'll be here. I'll stay." She chewed her bottom lip, finally making up her mind about that. "But the older Doctor said... There was this time, when he brought Micks on board, after I'd let him go, after I told him to go out with Trish Delaney, because I didn't want him to just come runnin' on my call, that would never be a sure thing... because the Doctor wanted to push me away, right? So he took along Micks after a year of tellin' me no. And then the Doctor ran off to be with Madame du Pompadour in 17th century France, and 5 and a half hours after he smashed the portals, he had NO way back. And the guitarist Doctor said I would have piloted the TARDIS to ask him what he thought he was up to but..."

She chewed her bottom lip more. "I don't know. I hate it. I don't want to be like River. He can't just run off and marry Cleopatra and think I'll just wait for him, or come get him or whatever other daft thing is in his head. I'm not interested in marrying her too. I'm just not. If he doesn't want me, then he should just bl***y say so!" A huff and she quieted down, calming down likewise, brown eyes hurt though all the same. "And if he does want me, than he has to," she held a hand up leveled and high. "Rise to it. Because he's better than that too. And I'm not gonna waste my patience on a daft alien git who'd give up rather than fight on like he taught me to do."

She rolled her shoulders in a shrug. "Guess I'm high maintenance like that." She snorted quietly. "Who'd'a thunk."

But he had to try. He had to make the effort. He had to actually want to be with her enough to say so. Not just run away and hide like a coward. Not just treat her like the others, like she could just be forgotten about. Like she hadn't done all she did. And for what? Maybe the Universe didn't owe her anything. But the Doctor? More than respect. Either fight for her, or let her go, or some other option she didn't know of yet. But taking her for granted would get her back up everytime.

"I can wait on him. I can let him figure out what he wants. But I can't pretend he can just forget I exist and I'll keep cleaning up after him! We're both better than that!" Rose stomped a foot on the floor and kicked it with a scoffing heel.

Amy huffed a bit and turned back to face her. "First off, you have to forget this being second best nonsense, because it's rubbish and childish and I bet you realize that too, even if you won't admit it. No one here is the best or the worst, and we sure as anything aren't ranked by him. We're all in his hearts, every one of us before, every one of us yet to come. You're not better or worse than River, or than I am. I love the Doctor. Every face of his I ever met. I love each of them differently though each of them is still my best friend. None of them better or worse than the others. I love him, I love Rory. I love River. When she was Mels, I loved Mels. I loved my little Melody. None of them, not a one did I love first most or second best. I love them each differently. And I will wait as long as I have to for any of them, knowing I will always ALWAYS see them again. Because that's what love is, Rose. It's not best and worst, or out of sight out of mind. It's being seared on someone's heart and having them seared on yours. It's always being willing to wait, and always being worth waiting for yourself. It's never giving up or giving in. Not for anything. You love Jack, you love the Doctor, you love Mickey, you love the Tardis. Nothing in that said you have to rank them or chose."

She shook her head. "And even if none of that was the case for humans... Rose, he's old, he's older than we'll ever get to be. But he needs us. If he ever, ever ranked us? Ever decided one of us was the best he's ever met or ever would meet.... He would be devastated when that one died. We can't ask him to rank us, we need to make sure he never ever does."

She shook her head, took a deep breath, then looked at her and said very seriously, "Fish fingers and custard."

"Okay, slow your roll," Rose held up a hand and massaged between her eyes with the other. "I don't mean ranking." She cursed slightly under her breath. "Or prioritizing." She tilted her head to the side. Mickey said something like that, she's pretty sure. That the Doctor would always put her first, over him, over Mickey. But it wasn't the same. She never asked for that. Wouldn't let him, when he tried.

"It's what I said before. About Adam. He only takes the best." She gestured, intertwining two fingers and gesturing between Amy and herself. "You and me, and Rory and River too."

More massaging her eyes.

Being willing to wait?

WILLING TO WAIT?

WAS SHE?

WAS SHE REALLY?

She wanted to cry.

She didn't want to wait for him. Not again. Over and over and over and over again. And he didn't wait for her!!!

She grit her jaw stubbornly, looking up at the ceiling to hold back her rage.

"You didn't put your life on hold," she growled, tears in her eyes, despite her best efforts to quell them. "Look, you spoke before about choosing Rory over the Doctor. I chose him, the Doctor, over everything. Universe, life, my Mum, a Dad I never got to know before, Tony, my baby brother, and he tried to choose all that for me, because he knew what I'd do. Every time."

She took a deep breath, tears quenched for now, dammed by the rage in clenched fists. "I'm never going to let him choose me over anyone," she glared at Amy, not because she was angry with Amy, but because she didn't know how else to stress the sheer importance of that statement she'd already told both Doctors more than once each. Frustrated that she couldn't make it clear now. "That's demeaning to me. Unfair to everyone else." A feral sort of grin, like she knew she'd be chosen, but she wouldn't let it happen anyway. "If he wants something from me, he just has to actually try for it." Her eyes flashed dangerously. "But if he's too much a coward for that, I am not wasting my time being his safety net. If he'd rather chase after Renneitte, or Jack, or anyone else, he can have 'em. But he can't have me waiting for him at the door after all of it. He can't have it all ways, all the time, and no consequences. That's not how this works."

She rubbed her forehead, losing the snarling teeth for a bit as she cooled down. "If he wants me, he can't have certain other things. It's just how it is. He can have me as a friend. Always and forever. He can't even get rid of that, he's tried." She bore a small hole in the ceiling with her eyes mentally. "But anything else? He has to make an effort for. But if he doesn't want to lose everything else--" she grit her teeth all but ferally growling again, "Then let him be man enough to say it to my face."

"Didn't put my life on hold?" Amy just gave her a look. "Twelve years and four psychiatrists the first time. Or try forty years that were undone but still happened waiting for him in a healthcare facility that was trying to kill me with kindness. I built a sonic probe." And apparently learned to hate the Doctor. Not that that was useful information now. "Two thousand years in the Pandorica, life literally on hold, though really Rory gets the prize on that one, he had to stay awake all two thousand years to keep me safe while the Doctor took a short cut. More recently? Constantly leaving jobs and refusing to commit, because I never know when that Tardis sound is going to appear or how long we'll be gone. You put your life on hold trying to get back to him, ours was on hold waiting for him to get back to us."

She shook her head. "We both know he's worth it," she said, softly. "And getting angry isn't going to help either of us, or him." She took a breath.

"So. Like I said. Fish Fingers and Custard."

Rose rubbed her eyebrows. "That's what Renneitte said. One may traverse the world of demons and monsters for the sake of an angel."

She spread her hands in a helpless shrug. "And you never think maybe sometimes we shouldn't do all that for him?" She bit her tongue and held both hands up, "Don't answer that, I didn't mean it." She sighed. "Look, I'm not regretting anything I've done. I'm not. And I'm not gonna compare the fact that apparently for all he said I made him better, he gets even worse and more stupid in the future," more biting tone, but she tried to pull it back.

"I'm just tired of this. Same as him. I'm tired of the same old circles. He acts jealous, but says he's not. He acts like he wants me to go, but when I try he melts down. He loves me, but doesn't want me to act on it. He wants to go back to the beginning, but no, he doesn't. He wants to move forward, but damned if he wants that, at all, he never does. We've got time here, but if I tell him to take advantage of it, I'm the one pushing him away." A facepalm. "If I dance with him, he tries to make it more, but if I start? No, he runs like I'm going to choke him out." Teeth grit hard. "If he doesn't want me, he doesn't have to have me." A wolfish snort. "And until he figures it out, anger's all I've got."

She was glad Rose told her not to answer that, for all of their sakes.

She rubbed at his face. "You just described utter confusion. That's kind of the Doctor's trademark. The difference is, he's not trying to hide that with you. He's trying to figure things out. It's worth taking the pain to let him. Because if anger was all you've got, we wouldn't be discussing this, you'd be long gone."

She laughed bitterly at that and shielded her eyes with a hand, too ashamed to face Amy over it.

"That's why he took the aspirin."

Deep breath. "I tried to get him to come back... He had to give up a lot to get the TARDIS here... and I told him I needed space. So I'd leave. He could give his all with Martha. And he didn't have to worry about trying to keep up with me, I was going to take myself out of reach. I don't know. I thought it would give him a push. Not over the edge."

She shook her head all the same. "It's all changed again before I could catch my breath. I was mad, because he left Jack, Jack went through... a lot. And I thought he was jealous, but he said he pitied him, like I told you, never ever EVAR tell Jack that. But I just lost it then, so angry. Told him he couldn't have me," more head shakes and she rolled her hand in a circle, "Then after the costume party he and Jack I guess made all up, and I don't even know anymore. I really really don't."

She wanted to go home.

Not to the TARDIS.

To her Mum, Pete, MetaCrisis, she wished he was there. To share the adventure with her. He should be. He was still in the Tie-Doctor, but it wasn't the same either. And then everything with the guitar doctor.

"But I know I can't hold my anger at one Doctor at the other. It's... I dunno. Some weird thing in my brain. Like MetaCrisis I guess. I can't be mad at him for what future Doctor did, and vice versa. But I don't know... yeah. You know. It's fine. Let him figure it out. But seriously, the anger? Already pushed us to the brink once."

"Well then it sounds to me like you need to pull back the anger. For his sake. And your own. It's not doing anyone any good, and it's only making you all miserable. We have whatever time we have. It's the Doctor. We shouldn't waste the chance to be with him by being angry. We have the rest of our lives for that. And the great thing about running with him? We might just die before we ever have a chance to get TO that anger." Not the most reassuring comment...

Rose found it reassuring. She laughed at that. "I think I like that thinking."

And it would work...

Until the next time he set her off again like firecracker.

Oh well, at least it'd work for a little while!

"I'll never die though. He'll tear up the universe before he lets that happen. That's why the alternate universe. So he doesn't have to see it."

"Then you can save up that anger. Use it to punch your way back through, or to kick in a Dalek or something."

Rose winced. "I'd rather not. If I take it out on anyone else, they'll break. It's not good."

"So aim it at someone the world could be better for the breaking of." She shuddered ever so slightly, but kept her chin up. "I used it on the woman who stole my baby from me. Doesn't matter time reset and she's alive. I remember it, so it happened." It still hurt, but she owned it. She hated herself for it, but she still knows she did it. And that she'd probably do it again.

Rose gave Amy a sympathetic look. "Bet the Doctor was ready to tear the universe apart too," she said looking distant.

"When my daughter was kidnapped? Not as much as I wanted him to. It was... complicated." She shook her head.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Video / Action

no subject

no subject

Amy =/= Me

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject