The Doctor (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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genessia2017-10-15 04:39 pm
spacepeterpan) wrote in genessia2017-10-15 04:39 pm
Entry tags:
Video to Friends of the Doctors (backdated to 10/12 before event)
[The video starts on the Doctor, wearing that brown fedora given him by River (although it makes him look less like a rugged manly-man archaeologist, or even a curly-headed grinning maniac, and more like a nerdy teenager from the 1930s who wants to grow up to be a hard-boiled reporter), apparently in the singing meadow. As whimsical and silly as he looks (which is nothing new to those who know him), his expression is one of those half-serious faces which a few people in particular (Amy, Rory, River, his older self) know means he might actually be at his most serious.]
Got something to talk to you lot about, something important, important to me, and I'd like to think to all of you, as well. It's not a reproach, but a warning, try to bear that in mind.
[He pauses a tick, glancing downward, then back at the camera--then tilts its view downward, to his either passed out or very-well-faking-it previous incarnation. He keeps narrating as he goes, holding the camera there for a couple of seconds before turning it back to himself.]
...he'll be all right in a bit, defense against psychic trauma, Time Lord thing, well, lots of telepathic species have them, sort of like how your human immune system sometimes encapsulates pathogens, rather than destroying them or filt'ring them out, but telepathic instead of organic. Harmful memories, ideas, whatever you can't process, they get sealed off, locked in a box in a cupboard in an attic in a house you stay away from. Some of you know exactly what I mean.
[Which, really, in this case, mostly means his future self; or his younger self, if he watches this, later.]
I'm telling all of you 'bout this, because I think we all know what's been causing him problems. ...well, me, but that me, down there.
[He twists the camera again to indicate his younger self, then back to himself once again.]
Bringing back those memories can only make it worse than it already was--enough clues, and he might unlock that box, and--whew--all the troubles come out all at once, so, when I say foreknowledge is dangerous, I don't mean only because it risks paradoxes. I mean because we rarely understand it, and often we can't do anything about it, even without a paradox, even without a fixed point, sometimes there just isn't a better choice.
[A brief rhetorical pause, there.]
So, what's this mean, it means no more spoilers for Sandshoes, and it means you lot are going to have to be careful about what you tell him. It's hard, yeah, I know, been doing it for a while, but if you care about this face-
[He gives the camera another quick tilt downward to his younger self...]
-or about this face-
[...then back up to himself again.]
-I trust you all to find a way. You need to talk to someone, talk to me, pretty sure I'm from after all of you in my timeline, well... almost all, obviously. Let me know if you've got questions, complaints, doubts, all that sort of thing.
Re: [Video]
[The Doctor raises a hand into view in a soothing gesture, peering into the camera--he's calm, analytic, deliberately counterbalancing her intensity. He pauses a second, getting a pensive look and making a face like he doesn't love it, then continues.]
...have a word with River Song, if you can, she's...
[...he actually isn't sure how much Rose already knows, so he'll play it safe.]
...another time-traveler, we've met a few times, but never in the right order.
[He flashes sort of a boyish, sheepish smile.]
She's got a knack for knowing what not to share, well, learned from the best, didn't she, point is, yeah, he won't like it, 'course we won't, we never like being out of the loop, should've seen our face th'first time we ran into River, although, she won't remember that, yet, probably best not to bring it up with her, in fact...
...anyway, sorry, yeah, as I was saying, point is, of course he won't like it, but he'll understand there are things you can't tell him. We're careful not to give him foreknowledge he can't have, and he'll be just as much a friend as he ever was. Yeah, you'll have to keep secrets from someone you care about, maybe even lie to him, you'll have to be strong, and I'm sorry... but I haven't got the least doubt you can be that.
[He pauses a second, there, getting one of those looks like he's so, so much older than his face lets on, with this bittersweet, old man's smile.]
...'course, not for me to say you have to; not as though you owe us, and certainly not me. So, you tell me, Rose Tyler, what you want, and I'll try to help as best I can.
Re: [Video]
Your wife. [Feral snarl.] She's. Your. Wife.
Because apparently Mr. "I don't do domestics" [Badly attempts a Northern Manchester accent.] had noooooooo problem marrying how many was it now? Cleopatra? Who else is there?
[Bitter laugh.] Obviously not me, because I'm human, I'm fragile! Not a fixed point or weapon made to murder you!!
Oh no, I was just willing to give up everything for you and you can't even give up enough pride to admit I did what you couldn't and you bloody well needed me too!
Fuck you.
Talk to your wife... [Another feral growl.] Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you? [Fake voice.] "Oh, golly gee! Maybe Rose and River will be best bosom buddies and get married to each other like Cleo! Yay!"
[Feral growl.]
Dream on.
Isn't it bad enough that I can't trust you anymore?! My own best friend?! Or hey, maybe that doesn't matter, because you've got new friends. Keep movin' on, innit?
[Deep breath.]
Yeah, no, fuck you. Go sod yourself you great [Echoes a bunch of swears from his 9th life whenever he was stressed.]
Whatever Tie-Stripes told you wasn't nearly enough, because I didn't tell 'im nuffin' but for what I thought he was worse off not knowin'!
What do I want? What do I want?
Since when has that mattered a whit?
I want you to not be married. I want my best friend back. I want to trust that you won't do things like force me to abandon Jack because [Hand flails] Fixed points are so scary! And when he saved both our lives again like he's been doin' all along -- not worry about never seein' him again or never even saying goodbye because someone was too busy manipulating me inta tryin' ta stay with me Mum!
What do I want?
Well, I'll tell ya what I don't want.
Don't ever compare me to anyone else evar again. Don't lie to me and tell me you want me to find you, when you clearly don't . [Growl!] And quit lyin' to yerself that it's just my 21st century values holdin' me back. It's not. I made my choice a long time ago, and I fought through things you couldn't. And for what? To break your heart again?! Do you think I enjoy this? Because I don't, I really don't.
If you weren't jealous of me and Jack, why'd you get in our way? Why'd he [Gestures to 10 on the camera] have ta sleep with him the minute I told him I had?
No, no, you know what? It doesn't matter. Maybe jealousy isn't a TimeLord emotion, but I don't evar want to be as emotionally repressed, as fucked up, or as bloody stupid as you.
Thread jack with Permission
[ Preferably now and without any bloodshed but Martha can't be picky ]
Are you at the park?
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He asked me to get ice cream. I waited five hours, figured I'd get it by now, and clearly that was stupid too.
Either he didn't think he'd react like that, or he's so thoughtless, he didn't care.
Five and a half hours. You know why five and a half hours?
Because he left me stranded on a cannibalistic ship in the future so he could go dancin' and whatever else with Madame du Pompadour in the 1700s.
You know? That should'a been a warnin' sign.
It really should 'ave. Because Micks told me, "'e's always leavin' you for another woman, and talkin' up famous babes.'" and I said, "He mentioned Cleopatra, once and never even told us about Sarah Jane." And Micks said, "Yeah but he called her Cleo." And when I said the Queen o' France must'a loved havin' the King's mistress around, he was just like, "Oh she did, they got along great." And made this gesture like, "France." [Mimes the gesture.]
[Storms about.]
[Flips off the camera.] I'm not French, Doctor!
You can sleep with and marry whom-so-ever you damn-well please! But don't expect me to ALWAYS JUST SIT AROUND WAITING FOR YOU! I won't! And I can't!
You wanna go have mad romantic flings with Madame du Pompadour and whoever else? FINE! GO DO IT!! But I won't be here waiting for you!
Wanna know why he got suicidal the other time? Because that's basically what I said! Don't waste your bloody opportunities, but don't expect me to just wait for you! You can't take me for granted like nothing you do will ever upset me! Just expectin' me to count the hours! I'm not a god damn pet!
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[I'm sorry, you know what you said that triggered him to try to kill himself, said it again now to a later him with the same him out cold but possibly still able to hear? How drunk was Rose? She should know better, she was a companion, not a child. And if Amy had to reminder her of that, to protect her best friend, all three of him, so be it!]
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[Nah, she knows for a fact, he's out cold, or 11 couldn't have even made the post he did.]
[And makes some gestures, looking hilariously like 12, though she doesn't know it.]
I'm not the one putting myself into sleeper comatose states so as to tell my friends what all they've fucked up. I'll do that to their face! UNLIKE SOME COWARDS!
[GROWL GROWL GROWL.]
[Yes, she means 11.]
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"And if you truly love him, as much as I have always thought you do, Rose... you'll respect that too. Loving someone is the most worthwhile thing in the world, but it's also the hardest. He has always loved us. It's up to us to return the favour."
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[She doesn't say anything.]
[Just is red.]
[And nods.]
[Shutting off her phone.]
["Lives for us."]
[No, he didn't. That was what she was most mad at him about.]
[And she can't say anything... Just sits in the grass.]
Threadjack #2 with permission
Rose? Would you mind meeting up to talk? I love you like a sister, but I think you're going to have to try to calm down if you don't want things to get worse. I know you're hurt, you feel downright betrayed, and I know it's from the person you loved most, so this is not going to be easy by any means... but can you trust me on this, that it's probably best to take a step back from this for a bit? Talking to him is probably just going to get you angrier because he lies all the time because he thinks it's the only way to keep everyone safe, but I've never lied to you and never will.
[Rose was strong enough to handle any truth, no matter how brutal. The Doctor? Not as much so.]
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I don't care how he feels right now.
[That's a lie, and she knows it's a lie, but Rose doesn't even want to cool off. She finally got her space. She finally thought they were going to talk or at least be friends. And then he goes off and does this and she is more than just a teapot boiling over at this rate.]
[So much worse.]
[Bad wolf snarling was a month ago. Now she is Bad Wolf the storm to make the Oncoming Storm tremble and flee in her wake.]
You can hate Eyebrows the most, but at least he had the god damn decency to admit I was always too much for him. At least he didn't lie and pretend he loved anyone of his former or future any less because he was [Airquotes] So worried about me getting jealous!
Right sure, he can be worried enough to lie but that doesn't stop him from marrying someone else, or stealing me from boyfriends, or pushing me away and purposely tryin' ta break my heart!
[Tears in her eyes as she looks away.]
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[It's sad but... one of the reasons Mirajane is fairly certain that 'eyebrows' had the wisdom to know he couldn't handle Rose was because of Mirajane talking to him right after talking to Rose. It's probably why he hate's Mirajane so much, because he made him face a truth he didn't want to face unlike the other Doctors.]
Rose I'm coming to get you.
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[private]
So much for that bit about trusting them, since she's pretty much immediately gone straight to a spoilers-infused temper-tantrum. Does that mean he's going to have to monitor and police her to make sure she doesn't decide to take it out on his younger self, as well? Is he going to have to enlist others for that? Is that what their situation's going to be, now?]
Yes, brilliant, thanks, we'll be locking that before he wakes up, thought I was pretty clear, but yeah, all right, call it a dress rehearsal. You're cross, got that. You're jealous, got that, too, 'though it's of someone centuries in your future and centuries in your past because... what, you didn't get to keep two versions of Sandshoes at once, but also all for yourself? Yeah, not quite sure how you're imagining that would've worked out, or what you think things are like with River or anyone else 'though I'm pretty sure it's not what you'd want.
[Ugh, seriously, how do humans put up with these things? Oh, right, by acting like they're on soap operas and spinning each other up until someone has a nervous breakdown. That bit's already been done, so, what, repeat the cycle? No thanks. He shakes his head and takes a second to rub his face.]
Where next, then, you've got quite a list, there, but all right:
Since when has what you wanted mattered to me, always, does that mean I can always do what you want, no, obviously, no one can always do what you want, I'm a Time Lord, not a magic genie, I do the best I can with what I've got, and I like to think it's not so bad, on a good day, but not ev'ry day's a good day. You've seen some of my best and worst, you know that already.
Do I move on, yeah, I do, because I have to, because you don't live hundreds of years, blimey, traveling with me you're lucky to make it ten. Why, d'you lot not? Where's your best girl from when you were three? Where's Mickey Smith now? Neither of us treated him like he deserved, so, shall we knock each other about the head for that for all eternity, or move on? We don't stop caring, though, never, we hope he finds something good--he did, by th'way, I should hope you'll be happy to know--and try to do better the next time? Much as I've missed her, I prefer Sarah Jane having her own life, doing brilliant things of her own, not just following me about ev'rywhere 'til she drops. So, yeah, I move on, but I don't forget any of you.
Do I get jealous, obviously, everybody does now and then, can't tell you ev'rything going on in his head, actually... not even sure why there was so much snogging back then...
[He makes a sort of grossed out face, there, like he's really not particularly comfortable with it, himself, and shakes his head like there's not much he can do about it now.]
...meant t'be an action hero thing, I s'pose, try and stay away from the stuff by and large, myself.
[...that's enough about jealousy, for now, because that's going to be a conversation of quite another tone, and it's a much more complicated one for him than for his previous incarnation. He pauses a moment, glancing down at his younger self, then at the camera again. It's all awfully unpleasant, but it's things he's mostly more-or-less made peace with centuries ago. Even so, he's baring more of himself than he really likes to, and it's clear in his expression.]
I know he-... ...I know I hurt you, back then, Rose, maybe, probably here, too, and I cannot say enough how sorry I am. ...not sure I could have done better, being who I was, doesn't mean I regret it any less, but I never meant to. Maybe someone else would've been better for you, maybe th'way you met me first, but it's a.. selfish, organic thing, regeneration, we change into who we need to be for ourselves, not who everyone around us needs us t'be. After the Time War, I needed to learn to really feel again, you're the one who said 'emotionally repressed,' and--whew--well, no one feels strongly like this fellow on the grass, here, live wire, he is, never knows when to stop. ...wasn't any way to repay you for all you did for me, though, and I am, and will always be... sorry... for that.
Re: [private]
You'd look good as a magic genie.
Don't bring up Mickey. He was my best mate when I was three. And it wasn't my idea for him to take off with Sarah Jane and Jack or marry Martha. And no, I'm not stupid. I never told your younger self, ANY of this, all right?! You're the bloke with the big chin swannin' on in like you know everythin' that's the matter because your younger self had a breakdown. Yeah, you know wot? So would even just nineteen year old me with all this!
[And finally at the last part...]
[She just curls up in a ball, hugs her knees to her chest, and sobs uncontrollably.]
You're such a git...
[Sniffles and rubs her eyes with one hand.] You don't gotta do better. Just be yourself.
You're so busy tryin' to be a hero, you never had to be! I never wanted that! I didn't want to save the world over and over, I just wanted to be with you and eat chips.
It hurt because....
Because....
[DEEP BREATH. Swallows, more rubbing of eyes, and sobbing uncontrollably again.]
Because I love you and I still do, stupid!
I don't want your gratitude, I don't even want you to stop being you! Just stop trying to be a hero and protect me from being me! Because you're really... [Choked sob.] Bloody terrible at it.
Re: [private]
[The Doctor smiles one of those bittersweet, enigmatic smiles. After all, he's not about to call himself a hero (at least not unless it's a manifestation of his narcissism talking), but trying to be? Trying to be better? Always, always that, even before he met Rose.]
And you've got my gratitude whether you want it or not. Best thing I could ask for, you lot... my friends.
[He could almost add "my family," but he's not feeling quite like exposing himself that much, not about to touch that particular raw nerve without a damned good reason.]
...anyway, a team of horses couldn't stop you being you, I wouldn't even try, might as well arm wrestle a Macra.
Re: [private]
[Just rests her head down, cradling it in her arms.] I tried. Not to make him suicidal. I did. I don't know what set him off.
Why is this all such a mess?
I don't really know what to do anymore.
Re: [private]
[...or if it is her fault, then not in a way he's about to admit to at the moment.]
...for now, I'd say try and be gentle with him, and avoid spoilers, most of all, even if y'don't think it sounds so bad.
[Video][locked to 11]
[Video - locked]
Oh, good, the hermit speaks up, well, I'm sure it looked very nice and orderly from up on your hill, but it happens people we care about've been hurting, been hurting each other, so, yeah, hands dirty, doing what I can do.
[The Doctor's older self should know the incident he's alluding to, even if anyone else who might peek over his shoulder would never get it.]
[Video - locked]
[he sighs]
Not that I can blame you for trying. Gut reaction. Good job. It was a good attempt.
[he's sincere though he sounds more tired than not]
[Video - locked]
...best we can do with what we've got, eh?
[Of course, his obvious question is what the hell happened to you that you're so scared of getting involved in things now... ...but he does at least know better than to try asking.]
[Video - locked]
[all he's got to say to it really. And mostly what the hell happened to him was every conversation with Rose ending up in a heated argument where one of them, usually her, ran of furious. Also not to mention, well, Twiggy. He can only hope Gonzo the Great has better luck]
Anyway good luck keeping the peace. Don't expect to keep it.
[Video - locked]
[In other words, yeah, he knows, he's done the analysis, too, but you know he has to try. Or at least, he hopes you still know that...]