(unseen action) || video

[guitar_hero]

[he is sleeping on a cream sofa in the middle of a black void. There is a single lamp, lit, casting a pale circle of light around him and not much else. Right at his head is a night stand with curved legs and a book of Edgar Allen Poe Collected works 1317-9794.

In his sleep his eye lids twitch and his head turns as if in some dream. His hand curls, arm falling off the couch to brush his knuckles against the floor, fingers out almost as if he's reaching for something and then, with a ragged gasp, his eyes fly open and he half whispers a strangled:]

Clara!

[he falls off the sofa and then hurries, half falling, to where his communicator is]


[locked to 11]

Where are you?! Where are you, you silly bow tied bastard?! Come on! Answer me!

[open video]
[Some time later and the camera focuses on him sitting on a stool with nothing but the void behind him, the lantern just out of view as he plays a hesitant song on his guitar]

A wise man said, not so very long ago, with great power comes great responsibility. It's a straightforward message when you think about it. If you have the ability to do good, you should do good. Especially if you have the capacity to do a lot of good. You should.

It means also, you shouldn't be selfish with what powers you have. You need to understand the balance and the imbalance your abilities can cause. If you have super strength, you can rob a bank to get yourself out of debt, or even to afford that vacation in Outer Bermuda, but at what cost?

You can--

[he swallows, plays a few more chords]

You can save the universe, save a life. Save a hundred. Save a billion. But the ones who are most important to you, when they leave--die... become trapped, uploaded-- [he smiles] Even if you had the ability to go back and change the one thing you did--even if you remembered how, you shouldn't. That's just common knowledge. [he taps his temple with a forefinger before he resumes playing]

Because if you do, you risk upsetting everything. Causing a chain reaction. Bringing about the end of the universe even. Time can be a prickly thing.

Only... my question is, when you start being a hero-- when do you get to stop? When do you get to say sod it and break every rule you have just to fix mistakes or give a few more days, months, years to the people you love?

When do you get to retire? When do you get to say. That lot over there needs my help, but I'd rather be sunning myself in Outer Bermuda or swim with the crystal dolphins? So sorry, maybe next week, maybe never. Can't tell, I'm booked.

When do you get to say, no more? That I am staying just as I am. Right here. Right now. No more helping. No more caring about the rules. No more fighting with the past or worrying about the present or bothering with the future.

When do you get to say, I'm tired?

[he continues to play, without speaking for a long time and then, finally:]

I wish I had an answer for that.

[and reaches off screen to shut off the light]

Comments

[video - locked]

[spacepeterpan]

[It takes a moment before the Doctor answers, although let's be honest, if he actually answers his phone it's an accomplishment.]

Oi, don't you get all attack eyebrows with me. What's the matter?

[He narrowly restrains himself from taking an Old Man jab at his future self, tempting as though he makes it by apparently waking from a nap with proper Cranky Old Man attitude. There is, though, a bit of "ugh wtf do you want" sass in his voice.]

[video - locked]

[guitar_hero]

Listen. Listen and remember. Whatever you do. Don't let her help me.

[video - locked]

[spacepeterpan]

Whot?

[For about a second, the Doctor just looks a bit incredulous, like his older self just isn't making any sense at all. ...but that phrase is reminiscent enough that it sets a few toggles toggling in his head, and he gets that curious, concerned look--the one he hasn't seen that often from the outside, but that he's turned on so many others, with this face. He's obviously talking about something weighty, even traumatic, and the Doctor can guess who "her" is.]

...you were dreaming?

[As usual, he's also completely bypassing that conversation to address what he thinks is the more pertinent one. He's confident his older self will understand why, once he's calmed down enough to really think it through. He'll reserve prompting him until it becomes necessary, though.]

[video - locked]

[guitar_hero]

Remembering... I think. Or was I? There was... rapping... Not the music, the sound. I was in a room and then... I read a book. And I knew, I knew, that if I wasn't quick... and it was all because of... because of me... It...

[he grinds the heel of his hand against his forehead]

Come back, you sodding thing! You were there two seconds ago...

[video - locked]

[spacepeterpan]

[...oh he has some fiercely mixed feelings, there, although after another moment of that searching stare, a pang of regret and sympathy dominates--at least, for the moment.]

......subconscious tangles the memories, crosses wires, gives you glimpses of the isolated pathways, when you're sleeping, or... daydreaming... but you know you can't hold on to it.

[...although now he's giving his older self that I have an idea, maybe a fairly bad idea that I shouldn't mention, it might not actually help, and you've got about a hundred other reasons to not like it, but I'm still really tempted look.]

...were you trying to trigger a memory?

1/2 [video]

[bigbadrose]

[Wow.]

[Just.]

[It's a mark of how emotionally BLOWN Rose is, she's got no more meltdown to give.]

[So this is what it feels like to be the oldest of the Doctors, is it?]

[To no longer...]

[The fire's gone. The fire that kept her going.]

[For so long, in utter darkness.]

[It burned so extra hot here. Daily, every day, white hot rage and temper, and she didn't know why it wouldn't die.]

[But now?]

[Embers.]

[She wants to yell at him. Curse at him.]

[She doesn't.]

[She replays the song.]

[She wonders who it's for. Not Donna. Someone more recent to him. But not River either.]

[The worst part is...]

[She wants to be mad at him.]

[She told him.]

[SHE TOLD HIM.]

[She told him how much it was killing her.]

[That even though she saved him and Jack they were in torment. And for what? To save more lives? To burn themselves out?]

[She should be there! She should be fighting alongside them!]

[It wasn't right!]

[NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO DO IT ALONE.]

[And it doesn't give her her anger back, but it does give her the grit that gets her stubborn determation and back up to a wall.]

Get back up.

2/2 [video]

[bigbadrose]

You think this is over? You think you get to wish for vacations now? No one ever said you had to play the hero! And don't fool yourself for a second, you're bad at it.

But you can never stop being the Doctor! Not for one second! You made a promise and if I have to drag you there myself I will! Kicking and screaming!

GET BACK UP!

You're allowed to fall. Heroes aren't! Heroes can't fall because the minute they do, everyone sees! Everyone takes advantage, everyone will use it, and they can't get back up. So it's a bloody good thing, you're the Doctor!

Get back up!

How many lives are enough?

None! Infinite!! It keeps going! You're the Doctor! If the Emergency line never ends, you better learn to sleep standing up! Get up!

It doesn't matter how many lives you save or fail to! Or how many hearts you break, or how many friends you push away that you can't get back! Get back up!

You're tired, you want a break? Take one! Ask friends for help instead of being too cowardly to even to do that!

But you are not allowed to lay down and give up.

Selfish? Spoiled brat? Bloody awful at being a friend? FINE! I'll take all of that! BUT I'M NOT EVER LETTING YOU GIVE UP!

GET BACK UP DOCTOR!

[She's supposed to be sweetness... isn't she? Supposed to heal him? Mend him when he can't himself?]

[Instead she kicks him when he's down. What is wrong with her?]

[But she can't say she's wrong, she can't say she'd take back what she said. And like she told Amy, she better kill her, because Rose wasn't going to do one damn thing differently.]

[video]/[locked]

[guitar_hero]

[it occurs to him that perhaps, just perhaps, he should have locked this so certain parties couldn't have meltdowns over it. Or even better yet, not been moping at all.
But the universe has made Rose hard. Hard as diamond. But he's known that for a while now]

Don't get so worried. I'm not thinking of quitting or anything. [but the way she says it. Lives after lives. Regenerations and regenerations. Til the end of time. Well... he tries not to think about it]

I'll always get back up. Always. Whenever there is a call or someone who needs me. And I've met-- Well, Bill. Have I told you about her? Smart. Great potential. Not a bad fashion sense. I mean we're not... we don't go adventuring in the strictest sense since I've been sort of...otherwise occupied... on Earth... for a while...

But you know we get on.

It's mostly I've been a lecturer for so long I've forgotten how not to. But don't worry, Rose. I'm still here an I always will be.

[video] / [locked]

[bigbadrose]

Not good enough.

[Paces up and down.]

Not good enough by half.

You think I haven't lost friends, Doctor?

[Ohhhhhhhhhhh she's fuming now. Livid even.] That Bowtie was right and I don't remember where all my friends from grade school were?

Think again! [Growls and kicks a TARDIS wall, apologizing to her mentally, just knowing she had to do SOMETHING.]

Every single one from when I was born. Not hard! Not as long as you think!

[Punches the wall. How many had she deserted, neglected, killed?]

[Or worse than killed, forced to live. Just like she would with him.] We keep fighting! We get back up!

DAMN IT!

[Slumps down with her back to the wall, scarf around neck, fringes hitting her knees.]

[video] / [locked]

[guitar_hero]

I know. I know how much you've lost, Rose. [he speaks gently, trying to soothe her, once again not even sure the base of her anger]

We will keep fighting and getting back up. But right now... maybe it is time for a little relaxing. Maybe you need a break. Just a short one. Take a vacation somewhere. Get away from it all. Try and find some perspective. I'm not saying you have to leave us but-- just, try and relax a little, alright?

private

[polyandrist]

Where are you, love?

[Because she's coming, obviously.]

private

[guitar_hero]

Don't let me bother you. I'm just sitting here thinking.

Though you know some days I wish I was still more like you. Reckless and wild as the sun.

And he begins to play.

Do you remember?

private

[polyandrist]

Being reckless? I never stopped.

[River just smiles sadly at the sound of the guitar.]

We should do something stupid and wild, my love.

private

[guitar_hero]

Have anything in mind? [he's a bit fresh out]

private

[polyandrist]

Come for a dig with me. If nothing else you can proceed to make fun of all my archaeology skills.

[And they'll be out of the area and can put their communications on silent.]

Video; Locked

[rulerofme]

I would say you get to call it quits when there is someone else to take the torch. When there is someone else to do what needs to be done to protect people. Because you're the sort of person that helps others, if you have something in you that drives you to do it, you can't exactly turn it off unless you feel you aren't needed anymore.

That or you feel like the universe would be better off without you toying around with it so you wipe out your own existence and let things play out without you there to possibly make them worse.

Video; Locked

[guitar_hero]

Well generally speaking the someone else is usually me. But suicide. Great idea. Glad you made that leap in logic from: "well, you're stuck" to "go kill yourself." It's amazing really. You must be from tumblr.

Video; Locked

[rulerofme]

It's not exactly death if you just never existed. Or if you leave some of yourself with someone else. Killing yourself is a whole different thing from evident not playing out a certain way that lead to your birth.

Video; Locked

[guitar_hero]

Semantics. Either way you no longer exist. The only difference is if people remember you or not. [and he also knows that when he doesn't exist, it seems, neither does a great big half of the universe or any of it for that matter]

And who is anyone to look at their life and say, well the universe would be better without me. Bad things can turn out good. Good things can turn out bad. And let's not even get into the butterfly effect and sub-quantum connections.

Video; Locked

[rulerofme]

I guess if the person could see the whole of space and time, they could probably say that. If they could see each individual timeline, down to the smallest variation including them not being around, they could probably tell you what sort of impact their existence would have on the universe as a whole.

I don't know about the world where you are from, but there are people in my world that have those type of powers and more.

[Video]

[om_nom_namur]

Maybe now while yer stuck in some other world or dimension or what the hell ever this kinda place is. Ain't shit y' can do 'bout back home, so...

[He shrugs.]

[Video]

[guitar_hero]

Hmm. Well would that I could however things being as they are relaxing is not exactly doable. It's either boredom or trying to fix my flowchart. [don't ask]

[Video]

[om_nom_namur]

Then what y' bitchin' 'bout it for?

[Video]

[guitar_hero]

Because I feel like it. Because I have to vent. Because my life is entirely too complicated to be explained in a single sentence and maybe I have things going on that you don't know about. And what's it to you?

[Video]

[om_nom_namur]

Nothin', really. Y' asked, an' I'm bored as hell so I answered. Ain't nothin' deeper'n that.