genessia | these sweet reunions

Entry tags:

★ cassian andor

these sweet reunions

Who: Jaune and Cassian
What: Sometimes reunions between friends aren't beautiful, they just hurt a lot. That's what happens when you have a murderous AU self.
Where: Streets of Everglade
When: January 6th
Warnings: to be added as needed

If there's one person Cassian had painstakingly avoided ever since he returned to himself, it was Jaune Arc. Gone from trusted friend to the mirror image of a man who had very publicly committed mass murder in the streets of Attleton, and killed Cassian's own lover, it'd just been too painful to face him and what now stood between them.

Cassian for his part had no intention to change anything about his avoidance strategy. This world's Jaune, the real Jaune, couldn't be held accountable, so he would just... Avoid. Suppress. Pretend it hadn't happened till the need to scream and hurt him back passed.

With Jaune staying out of Attleton, it had been easy enough to avoid him, yet on his first out-of-town visit after the blizzard, Cassian's luck happened to run out. He'd always been aware he might run into him in Everglade, but visiting the Red House Foundation for his lessons was non-negotiable.

It still strikes him like a lightning bolt when he catches sight of a familiar mop of blond hair approaching him on a street halfway between the archway and the Red House Foundation. He stopped in the middle of the street, making a werewolf nearly run into him and grumble loudly about blind humans.

He remained frozen, unable even to turn away and flee until there was nothing between him and Jaune anymore. Just them, his hands balled into fists at his sides, suddenly keenly aware of the blaster he carried. It would be so easy... especially here, in the town of his ally, who Jaune was determined to overthrow...

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Jaune had been grateful Emerald agreed to hire him during her campaign because it had helped him stay busy, which he felt was the only thing that was still keeping him sane. The scent of burnt circuits and blood still stung his lungs wherever he went, the words of who he could have been mocking him when things got too quiet.

He remembered everything.

He mostly avoided anyone he could, and Cassian was someone he definitely didn't plan on approaching. The only reason he interacted with Kay was because he had reached out first. It was so sad. He had been the one who was murdered, and here he was trying to make him feel better...

Jaune knew he couldn't redeem himself. Not now. But what he could do, or thought he might be able to, was find out more about Genessia so this never happened again. Which had led him to Everglade, trying to distract himself from another year survived when maybe he should have been dead about to look into whatever criminal underworld the city had to offer. Emerald might have given up, but he couldn't.

But then he sees Cassian and freezes himself, much like a deer in the headlights. His chest tightens, but he isn't afraid. He just wishes Cassian would--

He had every right to.

"I--" He draws in a breath, suddenly averting his eyes and turning away. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were..." He has to escape.

"Of course you didn't."

Cassian is more than a little surprised that his voice comes out so strong, so even, when he feels anything but. He must be trembling, he's sure, his nerves feel so frayed he ought to be trembling.

He stills his hand at his side, most determinedly not moving it closer to the blaster - and how much self-control that takes. There's still this insistent whisper of it would be so easy at the back of his mind.

His eyes flicker around, taking in the people. Good. There should be people. As long as there are people around, he won't be doing anything he might not even hate himself for.

"Don't leave."

Jaune stops, but he glances at their surrounding crowd to point them out. "Maybe we should... We should probably take this in private." His voice shares none of Cassian's strength. He doubts either of them want to break down in front of so many people, and Jaune feels like everything is closing in on him until he can no longer breathe. He isn't even sure if he remembered to activate his aura. If anyone deserves to hurt him...

At least he's looking at him now, but he doesn't approach. "You have more than every reason to hate me. And nothing I do can ever fix that. I'm--

I'm sorry." His voice dies into a whisper, meant for no one else.

Cassian cringes at the whispered apology, teeth painfully gritted. If only he hadn't said that. Why did he have to say that? He doesn't want apologies. Not when he can't honestly say it's okay and still feels far too raw to find the strength for pleasant lies.

"Don't," he forces out, his back ramrod straight. Military posture is the only retreat left to him now, so retreat into it he will. Just be the soldier. Shut down everything else. It keeps you going when nothing else does.

He looks away, catching sight of a far too alluring shady alley. Everglade has a lot of them, and it's not a town where people will ask questions if they hear screams coming from dark places...

"You don't want to take this somewhere private."

Before he can stop himself, Jaune flinches. He should know better. What right did he have to apologize to him after everything? He didn't want forgiveness, and he certainly didn't want lies. But apologizing had been selfish. He was always...

He seems to sink into himself, hugging his arm, showing none of the strength Cassian holds. But then he follows his gaze and there's no hesitation in his voice. "If we're going to talk about this, then you don't need a nosy audience."

He doesn't care what happens to himself.

There's a nasty part in Cassian which delights in Jaune's flinch, just as it delights in his easy compliance. Good. He should be hurting, he should be sorry and miserable for what he had...

What he hadn't done, not him, just like Cassian hadn't been trying to pave the way for an Imperial takeover of the Genessian cities, but still.

"Fine."

He turns on his heel, marching into the alley. It feels wrong to turn his back to Kay, yet it feels necessary, too. He has to prove to himself as much as to Jaune that he isn't frightened of him. He stops at the far end, where a brick wall cuts off the alley, still not turning to Jaune.

"I still see you killing him when I close my eyes."

Keeping a certain amount of distance between them, Jaune follows him until they reach the end. The selfish part of him wanted Cassian to lash out on him. He knew what it was like to want to kill the person who took away someone dear to you and even if that hadn't been him, some of that hatred and cynicism still lurked within him.

He thinks he can breathe a little when they're no longer in the crowd, but that doesn't last long with the walls of the alley looming above them and Cassian's words piercing him far deeper than any blaster could. He's frozen, the scene constantly looping in his own mind. Cassian never seemed like the type of person to need much sleep. Does he sleep anymore? Or does he do everything he can to avoid it? He wonders if sometimes when he accidentally drifts off he'll wake up thinking Kay is still gone--

"I know." Me too.

He shouldn't look at him, Cassian knows he shouldn't, it will only bring back terrible thoughts and desires and he should be better than that... He'd really almost believed himself capable of being better than that.

He curls his hands into fists at his sides. His shoulders are stiff, his entire body language braced to defend - or to attack if Jaune comes any closer, more likely.

"I lost him once before." His voice is hard, almost emotionless now. "I sent him to his death, you know. And I could never punish the one who had gotten him killed because it was me and it was necessary and I would do it again." But this time. A ripple ran through him, fighting against this need to move, to lash out. This time had been different. This time he could afford to be angry.

"...I'm sorry." The apology feels as worthless as it is. People say sorry when nothing can be done, or when they don't want to hurt you, but had already decided it would happen anyway. He wished he hadn't murdered Kay. But it had happened anyway.

The silence stretches between them. "I won't blame you. If you want to hurt me, or-- or anything worse. There's nothing I can do to fix it, or take it back."

Bright blue eyes finally focus on Cassian, sincere and almost hopeful, but for what? "So I won't blame you. And I won't stop you."

Edited 2018-01-21 02:39 (UTC)

No, sorry doesn't fix anything. He should know. He's always been sorry after his missions and it never undid the damage he'd done.

I won't stop you.

Cassian's body tenses up even more. I won't stop you. It's like a siren's song. He could finally pin everything on an all to willing scapegoat, maybe he could even free himself of his sins for a little while. It would be so easy...

"Don't say that!" There's finally that explosion of tightly coiled anger as he whirls around, throwing himself at Jaune, hands aiming for the lapels of his jacket. If he doesn't fight back Cassian will smash him into the wall and pin him to it.

Just because he anticipates what's coming doesn't mean it stops the surprised gasp of Jaune's breath leaving his lungs while his heart hammers in his chest with his back firmly pressed to the wall. He knows if he wanted to try, he could probably get away. He could at least struggle. Instead he just stands there, refusing to activate his aura. Cassian couldn't stop him from murdering Kay. Jaune knows the pain of powerlessness that eats away inside you. The very least he can do is give him a chance to get revenge.

"I won't use my aura. So whatever you want to do, do it." He grits his teeth and averts his eyes.

"You deserve to get a choice."

"Don't say that!" he barks, this time right in Jaune's face. They're so close, far too close, though Jaune's still not meeting his eyes. His shaking fingers dig harder into his shoulders. "Don't," he growls, "don't tell me I can hurt you."

It's a little bit like being back on a rain-soaked world, his eye glued to the sniper's scope. One choice. Just one choice to make to decide who he wants to be. This time he wouldn't have to kill anyone else to cover up his sins.

But this time he wouldn't be doing it for any greater cause. Nothing could excuse him this time.

And here is Jaune, offering this poison gift to him. It's hard not to hate him even more for the choice than for what brought them here.

"Look at me!" He gives Jaune a shake, smashing his head back again the wall again if Jaune isn't careful to soften the blow. "At least look at me when I'm talking to you!"

He flinches this time, but it's the pain in Cassian's words that has him trying to reel back more than the discomfort in his shoulders. He deserves this, he keeps telling himself. He'll let himself be hurt countless times if it means he can even begin to take the pain away from the man who was once a good friend.

But he can't meet his eyes. That's too painful.

Selfish. Always selfish and worthless even when trying to do the right thing. He can't even do that right. If he was honest then he would admit that he wasn't comfortable in his own skin anymore, and only Cassian could make it right. Cassian is becoming more unhinged by the second. Before he can even look at him, he feels his world stop and start to darken until he realizes the echoing SMACK! in his head was actually the sound of his skull hitting the stone wall. Pain sets in, he's disoriented and pretty sure that warm sensation is actually blood, but he keeps his word. He doesn't activate his aura. Other walls start crumbling though despite his efforts. His breathing grows more frantic as his head snaps up, eyes finally meeting his and voice raw and trembling now that the fragile calm he so carefully put up to make this easier breaks down.

"You should hate me. I murdered your lover and my friend. He had to sacrifice a part of himself just to live. I shouldn't be here, and only you can do something about it, so stop trying to give me a headache and prove to me that you're not just all talk!"

Edited 2018-01-23 02:50 (UTC)

Jaune looks broken under his hands. So terribly broken. Somehow that makes it only worse. Whatever satisfaction he'd thought to get out of seeing him reduced to this, to offering himself up like a sacrificial lamb... and he had fantasized about it more than once, he'd wanted it in the deepest, most secret parts of his heart... But it all pales now, sheen faded and dulled to the ugliness of yet another filthy alley in a hopeless place where he's once more playing judge, jury and executioner.

Cassian yanks his hands away from Jaune as if he had been burned, stumbling back from him a step with horror in his eyes.

"Don't do that," he forces out once more, but this time it's just a broken plea. He looks down at his hands. It would still be easy. The weight of the blaster at his hip feels solid and comforting. He wouldn't even need the blaster. He knows how to kill without leaving anything behind which will point to him.

He is the one to look away this time, forcing unseeing eyes onto the grimy brick wall next to Jaune. "Don't make me do that."

The reason Jaune could stand and try to be brave leaves him and even if he can breathe again, he falls to his knees and glares at Cassian. It's obvious he feels conflicted about this, but Jaune isn't. If he has any doubts, then he'll do everything he can to disprove them so he's certain it's the right thing to do.

He forces himself to get to his feet, frustration searing his voice. "Don't do what, Cassian? Tell it like it is?! Pretend that nothing happened and that we can just continue to avoid eachother because it's too upsetting and traumatic to admit that I'm a damn murderer and you had to watch him die?! Is that what you want me to do?!"

He starts running at him, on the offensive now. Maybe if he's a threat, Cassian will just react. Maybe he can finally start to make up for what happened--

"You should get rid of me, Cassian, before I go after anyone else!" His voice breaks, and finally tears start to fall from his eyes, angry and hopeless as he gets in his face.

Please.

Jaune's words feel like slaps in the face. That logic, it is exactly the logic he has used in the past to make himself feel better about his murders. Some people simply have to be eradicated, they are too dangerous to leave them alive. It's a mathematical equation. Sacrifice one life to save many.

It's an equation he still believes in. But one that shouldn't have to be part of his own life anymore, or at least not...

He takes a small step back and shakes his head again. "No," he chokes out. "I don't want to kill you." He swallows hard, throat bobbing with the motion. "I want to kill you," he amends, because yes, there is a part that wants to see Jaune suffer for his own suffering. "But killing you won't make it better." He looks down at his hands. "It never helped before."

It hadn't helped. That had been his realization as he waited for death. Lives couldn't be weighed against another. Every death is still a death, still weighs on your soul. You could only make peace with it, know that you have done your best, have done your duty, but you can't pay with good deeds to undo your bad.

I want to kill you.

Good. Great. That means they're on the same page. The ounce of hope Cassian handed out to him is crushed, his expression breaking into defeat. He won't. He wants to get angry at Cassian and scream. Their blood will be on your hands now. But he can't put that on Cassian. He's already hurt him enough. He can't run away from this and that's what makes it so painful.

He swallows his grief, blinking back tears in an attempt to appear more stoic than he is. "Fine." His voice falls flat and he turns away. "You won't have to."

He doesn't need Cassian to sacrifice more for something he can do on his own. He doesn't need to burden him or anyone else. He doesn't need to make a big deal out of everything.

He just needs to stop running and face things himself.

"Fine?!" he barks, suddenly feeling incredibly angry again at being so... So... He doesn't even know. It just makes him angry to feel so dismissed, even though Jaune is giving him exactly what he wants. Maybe he'd wanted him to keep arguing and give him the excuse or maybe he just... Cassian shakes his head, rubs a hand over his face. No, kriff if he knows what or why or anything at all.

"It's not going to make it better," he grinds out between clenched teeth, "you think I haven't thought about all of that before?" He laughs harshly, devoid of humor. "Death just makes for a mess others have to clean up. It just makes everything harder."

More guilt, more grief, more burdens to carry. More people who get caught in the crossfire.

"I'll kill you if you are a danger." He scoffs. "But as you're now you're not. You aren't a killer."

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these sweet reunions

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