genessia | 005 🏹 [ACTION] Not Dealing With Emotions

[[CONTENT WARNING: alcohol, drunkeness.]]

[For better or for worse, Hanzo has found himself a moment of quiet. The bad part is, is that he's been doing his best to keep himself busy. The good part is, he has several cans of beer to keep him company for the time being. Not exactly one for PUBLIC drinking, Hanzo has found a quiet corner in one of the larger parks to sit by the water and drink.

Genji disappeared back home over a month ago, and his brother's disappearance had been something he'd tried to ignore, but as feelings do when they're left to sit and grow sour it cut into his sleep and then his waking hours. Working at the shop with Cordelia had been something to keep him busy, but even there, he'd run out of things to do. His thoughts eventually drift to the one serious conversation he'd managed to have with Genji, and then the seeds of reconciliation that had been planted but not really come to fruition]

A wasted opportunity, you old fool. Not that you deserved redemption. [talking to himself, now. That's great. He looks down at the can in his hand and frowns, emptying it by tossing it back and then crushing it in his hand. It joins the rest of the dead soldiers next to him, and Hanzo shuts his eyes to let the pleasant swimming sensation shove the unpleasant feelings he'd rather avoid back into the void from where they came.]

[[OPTION ONE]] [Should someone approach him, he could still be sitting up staring into the water of the lake he's chosen to sit by, or, should they find him as the sun starts to dip over the horizon and it's begun to grow dark...

He's taking an impromptu nap in the grass.]

[[OPTION TWO]] [Eventually he's going to try to wander home. He's cleaned up after himself, but that doesn't mean he's sober. Not by a longshot. There's a blush to his face, and his steps, while carefully measured, still sway and hesitate slightly. At one point he stops his stroll to hold onto a iron fence post to steady himself, the once pleasant swimming feeling now decidedly overpowering at times. When he moves to walk again, he might just bump into someone, or stumble trying to avoid them.]

Fool.

[[CONTENT WARNING: alcohol, drunkeness.]]

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How could I forgive myself for killing my brother?

[There it is, in all its blatant glory. Of course, Genji wasn't actually dead. But he'd lived thinking that he was. It had been the intention. That was what counted. Not to mention the state in which Genji lived in now. That was HIS doing.]

[ That actually manages to startle her. The way it was said. Phrased. She used to think a similar thing so very frequently. Even if it was she who dealt the killing blow, it was her who caused it. How could she forgive herself for killing Haurchefant? Her brother in all but blood and name?

Era had thought she had gotten over the incident, but now she realizes it's something she likely will never truly move past.

She feels her heart pound in her chest and forces herself to ignore it. The way her chest feels tight and uncomfortable. This isn't about her - it's about Hanzo. What she feels is unimportant; irrelevant. ]

He has forgiven you.

[ She fists her fingers in the hem of her shirt. ]

...If you cannot forgive yourself then try and make up for what you've done. Bring more good into the world.

[The way her posture changes is not lost on him, he's just terrible at addressing things like that. Perhaps at a later time, or perhaps now if she was into that sort of awkward conversation, it could be broached.]

He is a fool to forgive me. [as much as he wants something like that, he doesn't feel as though he deserves it.]

You sound like him. Naive. The world is not such a forgiving place. [that's harsh, Hanzo. He looks like he knows it too, by the way his posture shifts, his expression flinching slightly.]

And yet it was still his decision to do so, foolish or not.

[ She frowns, the scales on her forehead peeking out from under her bangs as she draws her brows together. ]

The world is cruel and unrelenting in its misery. [ Era has seen the worst of people more times than she cares to count. ] But there is still goodness to be found and kindness to be treasured. By not letting the darkness of the world consume you there is opportunity to breathe light back into it.

[Logic. Pah.]

...Hm. [It's his ever familiar grunt, used when he has nothing to say but doesn't exactly approve of what he's hearing. Not that she doesn't have a point. He's just not certain he deserves to continue forward, to try and make up for the things he's done.

There is no honor left for him, after all. He may still hold his own convictions, but he's not entirely certain that rising from the ashes of his actions is something he truly deserves to be able to do.]

You sound as though you are speaking from experience.

I am.

[ He has been surprisingly candid with her, and he is still fairly inebriated, so Era doesn't feel quite as hesitant to speak up as she might have otherwise. She still is anxious; pulse in her throat and lungs aching, but it's. Okay. It's Hanzo. And this feeling will pass, as it always has. ]

...For all of my failures I work that much harder. It is my duty and my calling to help those in need of it. What else can I do but try and protect what goodness there is in the world?

You are a better person than I.

[A much more wholesome, good person. Not the former leader of a yakuza organization that probably overall did more harm than good in some cases. Not the heir to a family that was convinced it was his duty to kill his brother.

There's no doubting that she may have faced trials in her past. He won't deny that. Even in his alcohol addled brain he recognizes the signs of someone who has been through much.]

That does not mean you are a bad person.

[ Era doubts anything she says tonight will have any lasting impact on Hanzo at all, but she wouldn't feel right if did not even attempt to raise his opinion of himself. ]

The fact you feel guilt and remorse makes you a much better person than most.

I am not so certain I can agree with you, Era. There is much you do not know about me.

[he looks over at his friend, Eyes watching her posture. It means more than he's letting on that she's... that willing to dismiss his worst secret but...]

You are giving a fool of a man more than he deserves.

You need not agree with me.

[ She can accept that he is not yet willing to see the goodness within himself. Much like she cannot accept that she's beautiful no matter how earnestly Aymeric would say it to her, breathing it against her skin like a prayer. ]

You are my friend, Hanzo. And so to me you deserve the world and more.

[It's rather naively optimistic, when he thinks about it. Of course someone like Era would think the best is what people she cared about deserved. Perhaps he doesn't truly deserve a friend like her.

Instead of saying that he just rolls his eyes and flops back onto the ground with a grumbled noise.]

You are impossible to argue with. [that's about as fond as Hanzo gets. He appreciates you, Era.]

005 🏹 [ACTION] Not Dealing With Emotions

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