Rose Tyler (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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genessia2018-06-22 08:41 am
bigbadrose) wrote in genessia2018-06-22 08:41 am
Entry tags:
Torchwood News
Right, so...
On behalf of Torchwood Tower, I'm issuin' an apology for the Nightmare Room in the Haunted House. I'm pleased to say, it's otherwise been pretty successful, and we're still looking for ghosts, pokemon, or anyone else to come out and play! Free fear to feed on, and adjacent to the restaurant which is taking off pretty well!
But while we're not removing the Nightmare room or dungeon, it doesn't just have a psychic sign, it has a red flashing neon sign and a slider! Do not take the room lightly. It's meant to get into your head in a way normal things can't, yeah? Nothin' wrong with flipping the slider all the way down, I promise.
I still believe firmly that facing your fears head on is important... but it was never meant to traumatize anyone. Or hurt. [Rubs her face.] ALSO, we strongly suggest vampires, and those connected closely to them, just avoid it entirely. It's not bigotry, I promise, but as vampires are in need of blood and eat fear, they shouldn't donate either, yeah? Let us feed you instead, okay?
In lighter news:
If I can get a soundtrack up'n runnin' in the background to the place, maybe to help remind people that none of it is real.
How's this sound?
[Plays a bassline in accompiant to recording of the others except her "singing."]
On behalf of Torchwood Tower, I'm issuin' an apology for the Nightmare Room in the Haunted House. I'm pleased to say, it's otherwise been pretty successful, and we're still looking for ghosts, pokemon, or anyone else to come out and play! Free fear to feed on, and adjacent to the restaurant which is taking off pretty well!
But while we're not removing the Nightmare room or dungeon, it doesn't just have a psychic sign, it has a red flashing neon sign and a slider! Do not take the room lightly. It's meant to get into your head in a way normal things can't, yeah? Nothin' wrong with flipping the slider all the way down, I promise.
I still believe firmly that facing your fears head on is important... but it was never meant to traumatize anyone. Or hurt. [Rubs her face.] ALSO, we strongly suggest vampires, and those connected closely to them, just avoid it entirely. It's not bigotry, I promise, but as vampires are in need of blood and eat fear, they shouldn't donate either, yeah? Let us feed you instead, okay?
In lighter news:
If I can get a soundtrack up'n runnin' in the background to the place, maybe to help remind people that none of it is real.
How's this sound?
[Plays a bassline in accompiant to recording of the others except her "singing."]
Re: Tea with Martha || At the Haunted Eatings
Lucy. Another way to mock the Doctor, about Rose. And Jack. And it explained a little about Fluffy before he went back. When he was just at that point with Jack and Martha before the dream docks, the hairdryer place. It aligned with what Fluffy tried to tell Rose yesterday too, that it wasn't about romance to him, just that shared headache. Which, actually irritated the hell out of Rose, a bit. She wanted to be there. Didn't anyone get that? Micks would have, but he hated hearing about it and didn't normally... or initially want to be part of it. And maybe Guitarist did. After a lot of Rose yelling it at his face.
Somehow... the Doctor being tortured had been left out. She knew about Jack being tortured... from 12's nightmare replica of Missy and the way he didn't deny or talk Rose out about it, but the Doctor too. Her heart surged all over again. Sympathy, empathy, affection, love, and adoration for him still wanting to do anything to convert his old friend. He stopped his policy of no second chances.
Then again... maybe that wasn't such a good thing?
She would have to talk to Fluffy. Was it really just his face that was that way, or had something changed him?
Rose wanted to growl about the Master's attempts to use her to hurt Martha. She wondered if the Master really believed that. Believed that it was about power. That wasn't what Bad Wolf was. Bad Wolf was her promise of love, to always find the Doctor again, to be with him.
At the end, Rose got up, and moved over to the other side and hugged Martha hard as hell. She was going to protect Martha just as hard as she protected Jack and the Doctor, and maybe then some. "You, Martha Jones, are one of the most incredible women I've ever met. You are far from rubbish, and it was never your fault. Taking the vortex into my head wasn't a good thing. It nearly destroyed the universe for the second time I almost did that with my recklessness, and it made Jack hate himself, nearly hate life and living, and suicidal, but even if he had comitted suicide it wouldn't stop." Rose's arms fiercely held Martha in her own.
"Near as I can tell, all the TimeLords were like that about any species not their own. The Doctor never talks about the Time War, but I know they wouldn't accept help against the daleks. And Bad Wolf... was never about power or strength. Bad Wolf was me takin' the TARDIS into my head and leaving clues for myself through all of time. It's just my promise to the Doctor, so he won't be alone. And what kills me is I didn't so the same for Jack. Just made him a fixed point and abandoned him like that." TIGHT HUG, and Rose even gently rocked Martha a little.
"They're not tellin' me to keep it easy on you because they think you can't handle me. You more than can. It's just because they love you, and you shouldn't have to, yeah?" Rose leaned her head sideways on the top of Martha's head, suddenly very glad, and very affectionate that the woman would one days marry Mickey, even if she wouldn't say so. At first when Jack mentioned it, Rose had been torn, and as Mirajane pointed out, there was no way Mickey would be too pleased with Rose encouraging Martha and the Doctor to be together. Because that was the thing so many of them thinking they knew what Rose wanted, didn't get. Being the best didn't exclude anyone. And just because Rose wasn't with the Doctor, didn't mean Mickey had a chance with her anymore than in Pete's Universe when everyone thought they were sealed off from each other. Because Mickey deserved better. There was no one better than Rose, but there were definitely women like Martha who'd help him be a better person, who'd treat him better than Rose could.
And not for the first time, and probably not the last, Rose wondered if the Doctor ever felt that way about her and Meta. Thoughts for another day.
"It's not your fault. Do you blame the Doctor for being there? Or how about how he deposed Britain's golden age Prime Minister Harriet Jones because she ordered Torchwood to kill the sycorax because she was scared that the Doctor wouldn't be back in time to defend Earth when needed? The Master wouldn't'a been Prime Minister if not for that, but we both know, he'd've done something else. Or Jack for not finding a way to kill the Master? Don't underestimate him, Martha. Everyone thinks a see a halo around Jack, even he thinks that, so--" she closed her eyes and sighed, but stayed leaning against Martha, even if she let go of the hug. "We don't... we're not as real with each other as you and him, I think. As me and the oldest Doctor. But I do know he used to be an assassin. What I was going to tell you, about he and I first met. He was trying to con me. But I loved him almost instantly. All I wanted was to corrupt the hell out of him, wrap him around my little finger, and then somehow or another, it got the way but even more messed up."
Rose snorted. "And TimeLord or not, there's plenty of ways to kill them. That's why they hate fixed points like Jack so much. One of their weakensses." She sighed, growled, and rubbed the back of her own neck with one hand. "But he didn't kill him. Because he trusted the Doctor, and he trusted you. And Fluffy just... really wanted to fix his oldest friend."
Siiiigh. "No Martha Jones, it's not your fault. But I think... I need to let go of some of my own guilt about Jack too. I've been letting it eat me up, because he couldn't have been tortured, wouldn't have been left behind if I hadn't brought him back to life... but then he would have been dead too, and that's still actually worse. His story hadn't even started yet. And neither has yours, yeah?"
"It's not your fault when people do bad things with the chances that you give 'em. If Jack had done a 180 and instead of protecting people went on a crazy murder spree, it wouldn't be my fault or responsibility either." It still felt different. More intimate. Because Jack was suffering, and she wanted to have been there. Story of Rose. Wanting to be everywhere on all the adventures, no matter how horrible the rest of the universe thought they were. Which made pulling back from the Doctor a bit more difficult, come to think. "And you know know that --" Spoilers? Sod it. "He still might get better some day. The Master." Her heart fell and she looked down completely. But Jack would never be able to forgive it. Nor should he have to, really. And yet... Rose was always so much more demanding on the Doctor. He wasn't allowed to the shoot the dalek that was trying to change. But then... Jack had learned better too, like she said, or he could have killed the Master, human or not.
"When I was on my mission... I used a lot of anger. You use whatever you can to keep goin', yeah? But for here, it's important that you know, you're irreplaceable, you're loved for who you are, not who you remind anyone of," Rose gently leaned up, pulled Martha's head forward and kissed the top. Fight her. "You're talented, right brilliant, and it's never a fault to give chances."
And... maybe... Rose needed to do that more with the Doctor instead of just running away.
Maybe.
Re: Tea with Martha || At the Haunted Eatings
Somehow she was reminded of Alicia. So brave and strong, even if she was young and terrified and how she'd left her earrings with her and promised to come back for them. Now she wouldn't, or at least if she did it would be some time later, with the timelines mixed up. Why Rose made her think of the girl, she didn't know for sure. Maybe something about how she tried to seem so brave but she needed this like anyone else.
Which was why Martha's arms went back around Rose and held her just as tight. Part of her knew this was as much for Rose as for herself, but it didn't matter anymore, did it? Because Rose was the first friend, outside of Jack and the Doctor, who asked about her, too. Weird as that was, it just made everything seem both better and so much more raw and vulnerable.
Martha stayed with her all the way to the end of what she was saying then gentle untangled herself from Rose and once kissed, half-laughed, and kissed her right back. "I don't think I'm rubbish. It's just what he said, yeah? And it was humiliating, but it only made me stronger. I just wanted you to know he'd said it so you'd get why I got narky about blondes and the collar and all of it.
"But I'm tired of being jealous of you for having what I wanted. It's petty and stupid and I'm done with it. Whatever happens with the lot of us, you and me, we're going to be friends. We might fight, but I'm here for you. Not just them. And not just because you're part of them. So don't go easy.
Go big, or stay home. You hear me, Rose Tyler, because I don't take to other people deciding my life for me, not one bit."
And then she reached over to hug Rose again. "One more thing. I appreciate you trying to say it's not my fault. And I do hear you. But that's like telling him it's not his fault about Gallifrey and the Time War. No matter how much I know he'd have found a way without me, he found that way, that time, because of me, and a lot of people suffered for it. Jack says I made it right in the end, and I heard there's a way I might find out what happened, but for now... I appreciate it, even if I can't just let it go."
Re: Tea with Martha || At the Haunted Eatings
She grinned broader about Martha being there for her, them being friends outside of the two idiots, and grinned even hard about going big or staying home. But it stayed tight and a little wry at the latter part. "I get that, but you should know..." Rose laughed softly, leaning against Martha again, "I tell him all the time to stop beating himself up over that. Survivor's guilt." A shrug. "Not always so directly though, to be fair." With Rose and the Doctor, it was a lot more running away from problems and distracting with something else, which she'd be more than happy to try with Martha as well, but she had a feeling the other woman might not appreciated it as much.
Re: Tea with Martha || At the Haunted Eatings
But, of course, even if there was a way like the brochures said, she wasn't going anywhere soon. Jack and the Doctor had already lost her once recently. She didn't want to put them through it again, even if she was coming back. It would probably be good for her to try to deal with some of the hypervigilance before she tried anyway. It would make living through it less painful.
"Anyway. That's enough of that. Tell me about Torchwood and what you lot have been doing here."
Re: Tea with Martha || At the Haunted Eatings
"Don't rush it though, yeah?" she bit her bottom lip in thought, and sighed. "Okay, yet another secret, yeah? Jack knows, but the youngest Doctor here, doesn't. The first two months when he and I were fighting so much, the night I finally stopped worked a hundred hours a week and no more three jobs because I finally had enough together to put together Torchwood, Mirajane..."
Rose closed her eyes and shook her head. "Okay rewind. Mirajane's sister spent a lot of time in alternate universe from her own, a parrallel one, so she was one of the few people who really clicked with me early, when I was still worried about this all being a dream I might wake up from and wake up between universes alone. When I was super angry, I asked for advice from everyone and anyone. And the most common advices were shooting, punching, sex, and talking it out. And I tried to explain, talking wasn't really working. And I'd already slept with Jack. Um." Would Martha be jealous about that? Upset? Did Rose need to explain it didn't mean Martha couldn't do whatever she wanted with him? It was Jack. Surely anyone who knew Jack knew Rose couldn't tie him down, right?
Rose shook her head again. At least she wasn't so angry now, now that she'd said most of this to Martha already, ironically given the next context. "So Mirajane said as a bartender and entertainer she took it as a point of pride to be a good listener, and if the talking, explaining out all what I angry about didn't work, then free round of drinks for me and all my friends." Rose laughed. "And mind you! I warned her, I have a lot of friends." Rose beamed and shook her head. "I still got worked up, but I did my best to explain it all," a face scrunch. "Maybe too well. She doesn't get along with any of the Doctor except Bowtie now. But she loves Jack at least." As all people should. "So then he had a fight right there with me in the guild."
She rubbed her face in thought. "He said... No, he was worried so much about hurting us all, abandoning us. Amy told him he was alone when he regenerated into Bowtie, and he just... melted down, totally nuclear. I tried to tell him... He was from before you even. So he was a bit o' a mess worryin' about... everything. And he didn't... couldn't understand why I was angry. And he thought it was because of his future. So I told him point blank, no. I would never be mad at him for that. He hadn't done it yet, and anyway, I wasn't even that mad about it. I was mad about things here. Jack, mostly. And Jack... wasn't mad at that Doctor over the future either, -- MIND, he won't even talk to the oldest Doctor. Up to him if he wants to tell you why. So I told Fluffy, it was because of things here."
Rose rubbed the bridge between her eyes. "I think it was... easier on him...." She let out a whoosh of air vocally, "Whew.... when he could blame it on things he hoped to change, yeah? That was the night before he lost his memories." She snapped her fingers. "Two months. The first time we kissed, made love, he gave me his true name, you and Jack too," she clenched the hand into a fist. "He forgot all of it. Just me. I thought maybe he forgot Jack too, but nope. Just me." She srubbed her face with her hand. "He remembered telling you and telling Jack, he remembered being with you and him, but not me." A tight grin. "And he is happier. Bowtie said it was a failsafe mechanism." Rose rolled her eyes. She knew too well he had psychic powers with regards to memories, and did he do it on himself? She wouldn't be surprised, but she didn't have any proof. And maybe it didn't matter.
She slumped forward on the table.
"Bowtie said we all just overloaded him with details about the future. I had told him why I couldn't be mad about his future, would never be, and that was only because he backed me into a corner about it. And Jack, you, Amy...." She scowled darkly. "I had my own meltdown at that. Especially when Bowtie told me to take tips from River about spoilers. It was..." she closed her eyes. "You know how I was a right brat about the collar?" Okay she was WORSE than a brat, but still, "I was waaaay worse about River. And Amy's her Mum so she pretty livid too." Rose sighed and shook her head, before hanging it guiltily like a dog that got into the trash in a fit of pique.
"And just this last month, he went back, Brown-eyes did, because he missed you so much and he said knowing it turns out all right, wasn't the same, and he owed it to you to do that. And I kinda might'a definitely did run away and hid out with the Professor and sulked under his desk in a pillow for the whole time he was gone."
She didn't mention Fluffy came back only to die because there was definitely no sense in making her feel guiltier, and Jack, and Bad Dog, and Bowtie would probably all smack her upside the head. Verbally, if not physically.
"Sooooo yeah. Don't be in a rush to go back or learn your future, yeah?" Rose shook her head. "I mean, okay, that's easy for me to say. I know my future. If I was still between dimensions, Almost no matter how desperately I wanted to find the Doctor again, I don't know that I could sit and wait for not livin' it, seein' it with my own two eyes, so I knew for sure exactly how it happened." A shrug. "But I think if Jack told me I was gonna marry Mickey, I'd punch him. WELL, it's different, because I already know why I can't stay with Mickey, but--" A headshake.
Okay, so maybe not even Guitarist Doctor completely understood how jealous Rose was of Martha. She told him she knew about Martha and Mickey (thanks Jack <3), but since Rose had long since given up on Mickey, he didn't get why it mattered to Rose. It didn't... individually. It was more the collective of it. But in a weird way, just as before, it made Rose want the Doctor to take his chances with Martha, while he had the chance to. Though, as Mirajane pointed out, if Mickey showed up from after marrying Martha, he would doubtlessly not appreciate that. Still, tough for him.
"As for Torchwood..." she laughed. "You get me started about that and we'll be here all day. Just the basics. This restaurant has plasma for vampires, and it's got all the antigens for taste, which apparently is a big deal, I thought it was just the Doctor being squirrel-y," she giggled. "But also like chocolate flavored blood, and coffee blood, and carnivorous blood, apparently it's a smash hit. They love the choices, so that's good. It's hardly Vitex, but it's a bit more..." Rose waved a hand in a circle. "Suitable here, yeah? And we do basic donations, HAVE BEEN since October, to the blood bank, but it got robbed a while back. We don't know if that was just, vampires doing hoarding, or what exactly, so we have to keep everything under lockdown before it comes here. There's also synthetic flesh?" Rose made a face! "Koishi is a youkai, Japanese demon spirit, who eats hearts and fear. Jack -- I guess he can also taste emotions, so we've been bottling that for those who live or sustain on it. Met one already who eats suffering and anguish."
Rose made a face. "Still gotta work on bottling that, but I guess next time me and Fluffy fight..." wry grin, she's joking??? ish....
"But also, that's the Haunted House next door is for. Sort of a fear factory. And I'm infusing the flesh with fear because some people need it that way to eat it annnnd others like Koishi like the taste." A facepalm. "Yeah, I know how it all sounds."
Another shrug and a little more warily, "There's like oooh three other big projects, but I can't tell you them here. Later, yeah? The barriers here to protect us from the void and cthulu denizens are powered on fear here in Everglade. So that's another reason for the Haunted House. UM." And why she wanted to find a way to punch a hole in it, still safely sustain it, send someone to the other side with recording equipment, and also bring them back as safely as possible. TORCHWOOD!!! After all, it was Torchwood that explored the black hole.
"We also do some patents of tech fusion. If the Doctor makes anything practical. A lot of times he just makes..." Rose face palmed and laughed, "A mess.>" Giggles. "But I mean... my Dad was an inventor. He only did Vitex to fund his inventin'. So same... mostly. Broadly we're in the business of "making existence enjoyable, not just survivin'," yeah? So Christmas, we put out a Christmas album of music," a tongue loll grin.
Re: Tea with Martha || At the Haunted Eatings
"It sounds like you could use a doctor on staff, one way or another, especially one with experience in xenobiology." Which, of course, Martha had, along with general science background, and Torchwood wouldn't mind her not being finished with her training. Although she would finish it. The idea of fabricating flesh and plasma and such for food turned her stomach a little, but then she didn't have to eat it, and it was far better than the alternative. "It's a good thing you're doing here, though. I'm impressed."
Rose probably didn't need praise from her, but it couldn't hurt to let her know that Martha appreciated her. Hopefully it wouldn't come off condescending.
"As for Himself," which apparently was how she was distinguishing their Doctor from Bowtie and the Professor, now. "I can't think why he'd forget you, over me and Jack, unless it felt too risky. Bit of a chicken, him, when it comes to his emotions, and God and everybody knows he loves you." Martha frowned, her mouth twisting as her lips pressed together with it. "Unless it was something about his when? Before me, before the Master, we were at the end of the universe together, me, him and Jack. If he overloaded, maybe it was just reverting to what was possible there?"
His mind and his physiology were still somewhat alien to her, even after the time they'd spent. It worried her, though, to hear he'd done it. "It's not good, though, is it? Memory loss like that. It could be PTSD-related, yeah? When it's less of a mess, I can try to talk to him about it, just from a medical perspective, if you don't mind. I wouldn't have to make it about you, just ask how it works." Which she should probably know, anyway.
"Apparently I've got to add Mirajane to the list of people to meet. Anyone else?"
1/2 IT'S THAT LONG
She beamed at the compliment. "Thanks..." ducking her head a little in embarrassment, but trying to be proud too! Contrary to Martha's worry, it helped a lot to hear. Rose's social life was a disastrous mess, but at least she had something going right! And she WAS proud of it. "The oldest Doctor said the same thing, but he's super biased. And I wouldn't even play bass with him until I had enough practice in to do that Christmas album," she laughed quietly.
Though, truthfully, it wasn't about her confidence as a singer and bassist that had made her hold back. It was spending that time with the Doctor, and what would happen after the concerts when they were both running on adrenaline and emotion, as much as any adventure, but still with their dynamic changed now. Which, come to think, even explained why she'd called River one time, and her last fight with the oldest Doctor. Thoughts for another day.
As for 10's memory block...
Rose shook her head. "No. It was me. It's... not his fault. And... I'd rather you not try to fix it. I... know now why, yeah?" She held a hand over her face with a sigh. "Like I said, he and the oldest Doctor insisted they couldn't possibly be jealous of Jack. Which, I felt right dumb for holding back all those years ago for, yeah? So seein' him not hold back with others -- Not that I want him to, I don't," Rose stated emphatically, and it was true. The guilt if he held back on account of her jealousy had been discussed and made her far more miserable than otherwise. "But it made me realize... or well I thought I was bein' really thick. So I slept with Jack. And talkin' to the Doctor about it, I wasn't about to lie to him, so I just straight up told him, yeah?"
Her hand flipped over, rubbing her knuckles into her eyebrows and forehead. "It wasn't until later he admitted, well told me, nah admitted," a hand wave, because, the oldest Doctor accidentally did as well. He was stupid. Even a millennia later. "That he would have been jealous. He said... not as much now, except... if Jack had gotten to me first." She rolled her hand in a circle. "Annnnd I was pretty... mad at him for goin' straight to sleep with Jack after I had because.... I dunno, is it weird I've never been mad at Jack? I wouldn't know how to be. That makes me worry I'm practically treating him like a child, but Jack always held back from the Doctor on account of me before, and I wouldn't expect, or want him to do now? But the Doctor... definitely should have known."
Rose rubbed her temples with both hands, resting her elbows on the table. "And the Doctor... when he told me, I got so jealous I practically jumped him at the door. Sooooo sorry that's like..." eyeroll and back to knuckling her eyebrows and forehead. "Unbelievably awkward to explain," and live through, "But... that's why he forgot. He doesn't know what prompted him to sleep with Jack the first time. He just remembers he was upset about something." Rueful grin. "He's really thick sometimes, yeah? I know he's the Doctor, but he's still a right idiot." Though at least he knew it too.
A hand roll again, "So even if he remembers and all..." a shrug. "S'why he forgot me specifically too. He forgot I was here before Jack, that I was bein' mean to him for months and fightin' with him so much and--" Rose shook her head hard. "I was really mean to him those first few months, make no mistake. He thought at first I was just mad at his future and takin' it out on him, and I think that was just... easier for him to think of. The night before he forgot everything, I told him I wasn't, would never be, and I was even pretty glad his future and I worked out things the way we did. I was just mad about Jack. When he left Jack behind, he lied to me. When I first met Amy she told me River has this rule of," she used fingers to mime quotes in the air, "The Doctor always lies."
Rose shook her head. "I thought... no way. They must be wrong, or something big changed, because the Doctor hadn't ever lied to me, wouldn't either, why would he?" Rose closed her eyes and took a deep breath, unsteadily pouring another cup of tea. "When I found out about Jack... it all came crumbling down. "He didn't..." Rose choked up. "I didn't know fixed points are murder on a TimeLord's senses, but he didn't tell me either. He didn't want me to feel guilty about what I'd done to Jack, cursin' him basically, but he didn't give me any choice in running away and leavin' Jack behind either. Didn't even tell me."
Rose's face screwed up. At least she wasn't crying this time. Mostly on account of Mirajane and having had time to tell this story before and get it through her system at least. So while telling Mirajane hadn't made her feel better at the time, it sure helped now! "He knows I never would have wanted to leave Jack... or at least... I dunno. Maybe he didn't. I don't think he ever understood how much I loved Jack." Rose lightly pounded a fist to her forehead. "Given that he slept with him." A growl and she shook her head to shake it all free. "I didn't curse Jack because I was drunk on power. I did it because I love him, yeah?" Another fist pound to forehead. "Same with..." a deep breath, and she closed her eyes again.
"In between universes, I had to rearrange people to be with the Doctor so he wasn't allowed to die. I thought... until here, it was the Universe that needed him so badly. After I found out what I did to Jack, I was really shook up. REALLY shook up. Because... I realized it was just my selfishness. I didn't want a universe without them in it. I was still alive, so I wanted them to live." She pulled her cheek sideways. "Which wouldn't be so bad on its own except... I couldn't be with either of 'em to make it all easier and fun and good for them." She closed her eyes and winced. "Seein' how much torture they've both been through..." Rose shuddered. "So noooope, can't let you feel guilty about 'em. I just spent the last year trying to deal with my own about it, and trust me, it's not worth it, it just makes 'em more miserable, and feel like they shouldn't even tell ya things."
Rose knuckled her forehead. "So at first, Fluffy thought I was mad about things he hadn't done yet, and that if he just made sure not to do 'em, I wouldn't be mad. When I explained it was all stuff here, findin' out about leavin' Jack behind, coupled with the Doctor saying he loved all three of us, because he was trying to keep me from bein' jealous, but he--" a growl. "I don't know what you or he think love is, yeah? To me? It's a promise." She promised him forever. "He once promised he wouldn't leave me behind..." wry grin. "So if he loved me and Jack the same way..." She rolled and cracked her neck. "Anyway... that fight, plus all the rest about me and Jack, that's what did it. Afterwards, a couple weeks before Halloween, I was turnin' into a gargoyle, and I was really scared. So even though he was a werewolf, he promised to try to find a cure."
Rose waved a hand, "He also made vegan plasma for all the vampires who were squeamish about drinkin' normal blood, yeah? That's how I got started on the idea for this all." A nod.
"But when I thought he'd found the cure, I got a bit over-emotional and snogged him," a laugh, "Gargoyle and werewolf and all!" A headshake, "And he told me he loved me..." Rose closed her eyes, all rueful again.
She needed a hard drink for this, but whatever. Maybe Amy was right and the alcohol HADN'T really helped. Though, Rose doubted it. Easier to blame alcohol. Just like Fluffy and his blaming the future initially.
"Ahhhhh, all right, "Spoilers" as River and Bowtie say." A shrug to make it clear taht Rose didn't care about avoiding those at all. "Innnn my time, the other reason I was like... quadruply furious about Jack, and no one telling me... and the reason his future-future could go get married because I wasn't around..."
She sipped her tea, and then gulped some of it as it was no longer that hot. "I made it back to the Doctor. The first words I ever heard you say directly to me were that he found me," Rose smiled to Martha. "But I found him, actually. He couldn't make it to me. I have a couple advantages he doesn't though. I'm human, and I think like one, and I've got an entire planet and network to fall back on. Includin' my Dad's inventions. So I made it back to him, but he died. He was going to regenerate, but he channeled it into his hand and then his hand became a human clone version of him. Same memories and thoughts, but one heart, no regenerations, and he, the Doctor you know, said he, the Meta-Crisis version, was angry and born in battle and it makes a big difference on him, when and how he regenerates. The circumstances. So don't ask me what happened to Eyebrows."
A shrug. "Oh, and Mickey and my Mum came after me. I was right shocked about that. My Mum doesn't even like travelin' to Brighton fer holidays." An eyeroll and another shrug. "Top it off, she had Pete and Tony, my new baby brother to look after, and she just..." A headshake, "I don't know whether I'm mad at her or not. I can't rightly tell her off for doin' the same thing I did, yeah? But... she came. Micks went back to the Doctor's universe because now he gets to weasel out of trouble with Pete for the hoppers and helpin' Mum... little mouse," a small snarl, but she's clearly still very fond of Mickey and loves him in her own way. "But the Doctor decided to exile his Meta clone to Mum and Pete's universe so he couldn't do anymore damage...."
A CHUG OF THAT TEA!! "Right... about that. So the Meta version saw this huge army of daleks, and he knew how much the Doctor would just..." Rose gestured with both hands, almost as if she was drunk, "Lose it, it one o' us did somethin' about it, so he made them all self destruct instead, imploded the daleks and had them destroy each other and themselves, and put the stolen planets back. You'll get there. But the regular Doctor was furious. Called it genocide, and even a thousand years later? He's still mad, won't forgive Meta a lick. I've seen the Doctor with himself before. With his darker sides. I half expected he'd shoot Meta out an airlock or something. He threatened to do that with Jack over guns once."
Rose rubbed her eyes. This was such a headache and a half, and honestly she would only ever give this story to Martha, details and all, because Martha was so in the thick of it, deserved to know it, and as Rose had insisted to the Doctors before, it was half pieces that made everything so much worse.
"Which made findin' out his wife uses guns and, Sarah Jane is a crack shot, and Amy had guns... just... I wanted to slug him, a bit. Yeah? Then add in... I was trying to reassure Meta, make it clear he wasn't unwanted, to even exist, and no one told me about Jack... I didn't know I'd never see Jack again. So I wanted to do my best by Jack. While I can."
2/2
A flicker of absolute purest sadness crossed Rose's face before she could fight it off back to a usual Rose grin. "Well, I wasn't gonna let him go that easily. So the first time I really told him I loved him, I was already stuck in Pete's Universe, no way to get across, we both thought, and he was about to say it back but he ran out of time and--" Rose snapped her fingers and drank her tea. "Faded away," she finished hoarsely. "So Fluffy as a werewolf, didn't remember the first two months of me bein' here, me tellin' him why I didn't want him to change anything, it's not Meta's fault he exists, and if I'm really honest, I'm glad he does. It makes Mum happy, even when I don't..." a sigh. "So when he asked if I was goin' to stay or not, I asked them both how that sentence was gonna end, yeah? The Doctor that went on to the future, without me, obviously, couldn't say it. Just ran away. And Meta did. Then Fluffy, not knowin' any of it, went and said it too..."
She puffed her cheeks up, and popped them with fists on either side, blowing the air out. "I'm glad Meta exists. I missed him a lot some nights. It's not that I care about the Doctor bein' human, but I can't deal with him always pushin' me away, afraid of... me. Us. Everything. It's not that I needed him to say it, just... I didn't want to go back to pretendin' we're just friends. Still don't. There's things I'd do for anyone, friends or not. There's things I'd do for those I love, like Jack, Micks, my Mum... but things I've only done, will continue to do, will be a different person are only for and with the Doctor."
She rolled her shoulders in a shrug. "So Fluffy sayin' it..." A wry grin, "I called up Bowtie and told him to fix it." She made a face and stuck her tongue out the side. "He told me to grow up and deal with it on my own, which I'm not sayin' he was wrong to!" Rose giggled. "But..." She shook her head. "I was a little... sore at first. He remembered you and Jack and telling you both that, but not me, yeah?" A headshake. "Not gonna pretend I wasn't." She drank her tea. "But I think... it's tellin'. Innit? If I hadn't been drivin' him mad with how I reacted before, he wouldn't'a needed to forget. And if he remembers now, maybe it'll just make him hurt again. I'm trying to be --"
Rose closed her eyes and made fwooshing explosion gestures with her hands. "Better about it now. About everything. But I still..." a quiet snort. "On a list of things I want or don't want, I don't want to move backwards with him. That's why I framed the question, my choice to stay or go from Pete's Universe for a -- whatever, nth time. I don't want him to hold back with anyone else just because he thinks I'll be jealous. I'm always jealous. But it's so much harder to deal with anything when he tries to protect me form it, and I don't want to be the kind of petty jerk whose jealousy gets in the way of my friends enjoying life to the fullest, yeah? The Doctor's wife too." Rose flailed. "But I mean.... ahhh... I get it too... the oldest Doctor told me off. He said to stop acting like... he should be human about his relationships, or that I understood her or their relationship or none o' it. So I did, and I am. Totally hands off. They'll do them. Nothin' to do with me."
She rubbed her eyes again, massaging the bridge in thought. "But when it comes to Fluffy... that's why. All of it. Jack and I held back so he wouldn't be jealous. Then I thought, or I believed him, because I never much believed he lied to me, apparently he does all the time, but only about Jack," another eyeroll, "So I thought, not only was there no reason to hold back, but he wasn't gonna hold back on account of me. Then he said he was holdin' back on account of thinkin' I wanted him to or I'd be happier if I did," Rose made a giant X with her hands and arms, "And no! Total opposite. Am I jealous he got married? Yeah, o' course. Mad too, because his double standard about guns and violence, which is..." an annoyed growl, another eyeroll, and Rose finished off her tea, "Something about Jack and you that no one told me but whatever. I'm mostly mad on behalf o' Meta and Jack anyway, and since they all said it's not for me to deal with, I 'onestly accept that. But it doesn't mean if he told me he loves me differently from the others, or if he said he doesn't love the others, that I'd just be happy either. I wouldn't. I'd be even MORE livid, yeah? Because... I'm glad he didn't give up. On himself. On love. Lovin' others."
A sigh. "It's complicated, but it is what I said. I want him to be happy. I don't want him to think if he just gives me all his time and attention, at the cost o' all but ignorin' you and Jack or anyone else, that I'll be okay with that. I never will. That's what... MOST o' my fights with the oldest Doctor were about. He'd do things, and people would treat me like his wife, and I just..." She clenched her teeth and rubbed her face with both hands. "In that case, those things should be done with his wife, yeah? And we're not -- I don't know, I don't even much care what we are, as far as labels and anythin', humans, or TimeLords or whoever puttin' things in boxes, we're just me and him, Rose Tyler and the Doctor, but I don't want to be takin' away time or whatever else that someone has ... right to?"
Rose tilted her head to the side, as though cocking an ear to listen to her own thoughts. "It's... different with the oldest Doctor. Like I said. Because he laid it out to me. And... I don't make him accidentally suicidal or more miserable just by bein' around him." She pulled both her cheeks out again. "But Fluffy said-- whatever. I'll talk to him again about..." She scritched her temple, looking like a dog scratching an itch. "Us. Whatever that obscurely means. But make no mistake Martha Jones, yeah? Just be you. Enjoy yourself. Do what makes you happy. If I run, it's not on you. It's only on me. Me and him. We've had a lot more than you to work out, not the least of which is Jack, and lies, and emotions, and Mickey and we've always been like this. And yeah, he is actually... better off for havin' forgotten. But... it makes me think... he said I made him better. And wanted me to do that for Meta. But I think I make this Doctor a lot sadder. Or worse. Don't get me wrong, I won't ever leave him, I know he was a right mess, and I know just because you can take care of him and handle him without me, doesn't mean you should have to, and I don't want to make problems." She threw both hands up, "And he's come to chase me down a couple o' times it got to be too much for me anyway."
A shrug and she rolled her head back and forth. "But I think... he's happier not rememberin', and it's just me that's bitter anyway, yeah? So I'll deal with it." Wry grin. As with Rose's jealousy, there was a lot she was angry about.
"Mirajane, Koishi," normally she would add in Jack right there, but sayin' that to Martha was daft, "River, if you haven't yet, she teaches archaeology, same Uni as Eyebrows. Gwen, Donna, Matthew Murdoch, you'll love him. Oh! Trunks! Definitely. He's been teachin' me meditation, and asked me to his Mum's birthday party um. I'll see if I can swing you an invite too... and Jack, because if it's me, Bad Dog, and you, he'll want Jack to come, but that'll give me a chance to maybe relax. His -- Trunks' Dad is a bit like my Mum, which works, because his Mum is a lot like me and my Dad, but Vegeta's supposedly a bit temperamental and doesn't suffer... those like the Doctor well. And you know how Bad Dog is. Can't take him anywhere. Can't leave him home either or he pouts." A quiet snort. She debated whether to mention Satou and Uai. "Mavis is mine and Mirajane's guildmaster and the Guardian of Fayren. Her younger sister adopted here, like me and Mirajane, is a Princess, no literally, and her name is Ana. She just started school, she's really really young. But she needs more friends too."
A finger snap, "OH! CHESHIRE! We keep him around the TARDIS... sometimes. He comes in and out, because he's the actual Cheshire Cat. Purple and everything like the cartoon. He's brilliant though, very funny. He," she used fingers for airquotes again, ""Works" as a tour guide at the Haunted House. It works really well I think, adds to the atmosphere, but he gets distracted and bored and drops over here for tea a lot," Rose giggled. "OH! And he brings us cake at the TARDIS! Best cat." She shook her head. "My kitten from Koishi stays in the Torchwood office, but she's not allowed in Bad Dog's, because well, he's daft. And normal cats bring you dead mice or squirrels. Cheshire brings cake." Rose giggled. "Eliot is a friend of the Professor's sort of, he plays piano for him sometimes. Augustine sings--" she closed her eyes with a low sound, "Gorgeously. Oh, his vampire girlfriend is scary though. She likes the blood here, but read me a bit of a riot act over the Nightmare room. I gotta tweak that... a lot anyway. Do not go there. It's a psychic field generatin' your worst fears and you don't really need that right now." Both eyes closed. Who else...
"I have Jack keepin' an eye on Thatch who works at Torchwood too." She tapped a finger to her chin. "And Belle the Doctor, Fluffy, knew before the rest of us came." Though Rose estimated of the TARDIS people, Rose personally probably got out the most of everyone. "Lea was one of the people pushin' me early on to get really goin' with all this, Torchwood. Because he was in a top secret organization thing too, so he knows what it's like to go from end-o'-the-world to in between all worlds and just..." a gesture, "Chillin'." Another finger tap to chin. "Koishi's sister Satori is actually pretty shy. She's an empath so she overloads sometimes. But Koishi is super friendly. She'll tackle you with tentacle hugs before you know it. She's a youkai, Japanese demon-spirit. She eats fear and humans, but she's a good sort, I promise. Total sweetheart. I have her over for slumber parties at the TARDIS sometimes. She invited me to stay at Hell too with her! If things ever get to be too much at the TARDIS and I'm not with the Professor. She works for Torchwood too. Sort of. Research and Development. Also whenever..." an exaggerated face, "EVERYTHING gets to be too much for me, I steal her away and just carry her around. She was the only thing keepin' me from losin' it sometimes."
Rose made another face. "She's an emotional void in her head, so I dunno how it affects Jack and the Doctor, or the TARDIS, but it helps me steady out. A lot. Valentine's Day there was a love fair thing, which is like Jack's favorite thing evar, and there was no way I could get outta goin'. And cupid thought it'd be funny to dye my hair goth the day before," another face!! "So I just carried Koishi around with me. It's really easier to not get temperamental with her on her my head," Rose laughed. "And when I was a gargoyle and all, she got me the kitten, and helped me not get all worked up about bein' forgotten, and what the Doctor said 'cause he didn't know everythin' and all o' that. Usually though, Koishi will find you. Especially if you're around the Doctor or Torchwood enough. She doesn't teleport like Ches, but she has the disappearing/reappearing thing down pat." Rose was unaware that it was because normal brains treated her like a cthulu monster of the abyss and refused to process her existence at times.
1/1 - sorry to be brief, but some things need to be said, yeah?
But then Rose falls quiet (finally would be an uncharitable thought, but there's only so much Martha can process at one time), and Martha picks up to say, "I won't get involved, then, in why he doesn't remember some things but not others, not unless it affects me."
She reaches back behind her neck and rubs at it thoughtfully. "I think we're going to do a lot better, you and me, and him, if we don't make our friendship about him. And if we don't make our relationship with him about each other, yeah?"
Martha doesn't want to tell her how to handle her relationship with the Doctor, because it's not her business, but-- "You don't need to worry about the time he spends or doesn't spend with me. That's on him, not you. And I've always known he loves you, never expected to have anything with him, and even with what I know now, I still don't." She frowns and decides not to mention she'd been thinking about getting out. "I don't need you to protect me. Like you said to me, you be you. Don't be anything less. I'll take care of myself."
She lowers her hand again and rubs it against the table, to steady herself. "You and me, we're not rivals. We don't have to be. We can be partners. Friends. That's what I want. I know I'm not all here yet, not all myself, but I will be." This sounds, she realizes, like she's mad. But she's not. Just... Just what? Doesn't want charity, pity, hand outs when it comes to the Doctor's time?
"What I need, yeah? Is to know that if he's spending time with me, or Jack is, or you are, it's not because you're taking turns babysitting the fourth wheel, which sounds weird because it's usually third, but I know you three have a history, and I don't want to be the outsider. That's all. Whatever form that takes, I want to be a part of things because I am, or I want my own life because I'm not."
Still sounds mad. She sighs. "That sounds narky, and I don't mean it to be. I'm just trying to be clear that I don't resent what you have with him. I resent feeling like you're pushing him to me, because then it feels like it's not his choice. When that's all I've ever wanted, yeah? Was for him to choose me in the moment. Because when he does, that's the best thing. Okay?"
And as for Jack, well, that's another problem for another day. "As for Torchwood and the people, I'll start getting to know them right away. It'll be good to be part of a team and have a purpose. I can sort myself more quickly that way."
XD Never apologize for being short lmfao I'm sorry I'm always long
Rose grunted quietly at Martha saying she didn't need Rose to protect her. She closed her eyes and shook her head. "Don't... misunderstand me, yeah? It's not... It's not like I think I'm being noble with this or anything... it's that..." She closed her eyes again, and took a deep breath all the way to the bottom of her lungs. "I can't be the kind of person who just... gives into all the my worst instincts and --" She rubbed her face with both hands, burying her head in her arms on the table.
"When my parents got together again, across universes it was everything I always thought I wanted. I asked my Mum every year since I was two if I could have a baby brother or sister like everyone else around me had. And when I finally was going to have one? I ran away. I got so jealous of just Jack and the Doctor the first time, before they even got together, that I called up Mickey and dragged him out to Cardiff, just to have someone I could flirt with and not get rejected by. And when he told me he'd run out on a date with another girl to come be with me... I realized I was being really awful to him. Just... the worst. So if I don't run off... if I don't get space, for my own sake..."
She groaned, her head still in her arms.
"You're not the fourth wheel, I am. And the one bein' babysat? Is all him. I made him suicidal. That's part of what he doesn't remember. So we all agreed to take shifts, so he was never allowed alone. He wouldn't be here now, wouldn't'a come back from dyin' if he didn't want ta, but there was a point where he said he didn't. When I said I wasn't sayin here for a second chance with him, because I was hurt and mad and petty that he thought it was only possible because of bein' here. And I told him, I was just stayin' for Jack. He gets nightmares, and has to sleep now, and I figured back then... that was the safest I could do. Be with him at night so we wouldn't fight so much."
Rose toyed with a straw and attempted to make a swan out of a napkin.
"We still.... fought a lot. Mostly whenever I tried to get out of it. Still do. Same reason. It... to him... Fuck," Rose growled furiously, shredding the napkin and twisting the straw in knots. "I dunno! Look," she threw both her hands up in frustration, "I get it yeah? I hate when it's not me he wants, just not to be alone! And I know that's not fair, because I don't want him to be lonely either, but shouldn't just -- think I'm the sure thing and not go for something better! And if he does, I can't forgive him. And I sure can't forgive me, then. But it's the same thing as everyone actin' like they know what I want. No one does. Not because no one can, but they keep actin' like I want to be selfish and just... I can't! I'd be miserable. I don't want to be! And I don't want to stay put and try to do what everyone thinks is best for me either, and if I could, I wouldn't be here, and I probably wouldn't even be alive right now." Rose snorted and huffed, folded her arms, all sulky bad wolf again.
Rose ground her teeth and held up a finger, accidentally treating Martha like UNIT, without even realizing it. In full-on angry Bad Wolf mode where not even the Doctor and Jack both combined could hold her back. If they were daring enough to try, which they usually weren't.
"I promised him, I won't push him towards you. For him, not for you. But if I run--" A headshake, "No, when I run," because even Rose could admit the eventuality not question. "Don't think it's about you. Or Jack. Or River Song. Or anyone else. It's not even about the Doctor. That's the part that annoyed me about everyone in Pete's Universe. Bad Wolf -- Yeah, it's my promise to find him again, but not for him, for me. Because I don't want to live how I was otherwise. To be someone who didn't try. So me runnin'? It's my kindness, yeah, but it's for me. And not runnin'? Is just cagin' a wolf. I'll go mad. So if it ever seems like I'm trying to push him to you? It's not for you. It's because he's an idiot, and I don't trust him on his own. That's it."
Re: XD Never apologize for being short lmfao I'm sorry I'm always long
"If you need to run, you need to run. Truth is, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle being with all of you all the time, or even if it was just Himself." The only ones she felt sure of right now were Jack and River, which was strange, but they seemed to understand each other, somehow. "I've been on my own the past six months, making my own decisions, fighting my fight. And yeah, it was for them and my family and the world, but I'm shite at being fussed over and looked out for, which is why I get all 'don't protect me.'
"We're all crushed together from different parts of our timelines and we've all got our own issues, yeah? Our own resentments and problems and there's no tidy solutions. We've all got to do what's right for ourselves and try not to hurt each other with it. And I hear you about the Doctor needing babysitting. He always has, in his way, because he tries to be alone but it never works. It's bad for him. So, yeah, count on me to help. I love him, and that's not going to change. I just don't know what I want that to mean."
She pursed her lips and her fingers ceased fidgeting to reach over and touch Rose's wrist. "I don't mean to tell you what you want, or even try to guess, because how could I? I know you want to be your best self, and I support that. It's the same as what I want for me."
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A gentle snuggle and Rose relaxed. "Thank you," she mumbled. "For gettin' it."
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Which wasn't what she wanted to say about all of what Rose had said, but it seemed only fair to be honest. "As amazing as being with him and seeing space and time, saving worlds, and all of that, it takes a toll on us. Between the secrets and no one else getting why you'd do it, it's isolating. I get it. And it's good to have someone to talk to. So thank you, too."
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And a hum. "Is it?" she tilted her head to the side. That wasn't how Rose saw it at all. Opposite even. "It was really different for me, actually. Um." Where to begin? Again?
Another face scrunch. "I mean..." Her face flickered between eight emotions as she thought it all through. "I never had to keep secrets before. And when I did. When I was all on my own... I thought, once I got back to him, it'd be all over. That part of my life would be done. I could tell him everything again, and we'd be just fine! Same as always! Him and me, us, in the TARDIS, like always."
She tilted her head to the side. "It wasn't... so bad the first few shocks. Him bein' behind me, you bein' with him, me missin' Meta, meeting Amy, findin' out about his future wife even..." Double headshakes...
And Rose double facepalmed in embarrassment. "But then... Guitarist showed up like a day or two after and I didn't recognize him and I just..." she snapped her fingers. "Love at first sight. Like lightning. I'd already decided I was gonna try to move on, get space from Fluffy, and he didn't know why, but he was far enough behind, I could have faked something..."
Rose smacked both her hands together and rubbed them as though clapping off dirt. "Annnnnnd then it all crashed," she laughed and shook her head. "It was just... a lot at once I guess. Guitarist and Jack came like same three days after me. And the Doctor overloaded too..." she shook her head. "But I never felt lonely when I was with him before. I never had to keep things from him either. I guess I'd been kinda spoiled."
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"In part I did it to protect them, keep them clear of everything, but part of me just wanted it for me. Something mine, and I convinced myself they'd never understand anyway. So I guess, having Jack and you and the others, it's a relief to be able to talk about everything and know you get it, yeah?"
She pulled at the dreaded ends of her hair, momentarily distracted by a wave of memories of things she hadn't shared with anyone yet. And maybe wouldn't, except Jack. The thought of anyone telling the Doctor about the Drast factory--he'd be so upset and blame himself, when it wasn't his fault and she'd do it again willingly to save them all.
"But I get how it is, too, having to keep secrets from him, not because you want to, but because the truth isn't good for him."
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She shrugged, and rolled her shoulders. "But I'd never had to things from the Doctor. Even for his own good. That was him with me, yeah? With Jack and whatever else. His oldest version said I got harder, more like him." She shook her head. "I don't think so. And usually... unless I see first-hand he is better not knowing something, I'll still tell him. The version of him I first met would want it that way. Would fight all the rest of him for bein' coddled like it."
A quiet snort, and Rose shared an absolutely impish grin and laugh with Martha. "I admit, I was definitely a bitch when Bowtie told me to talk to his wife to learn how not to do spoilers. The first version I met hated anything that smelled of "domestics," as he called it. Part o' why he even ran from Jack, I thought! When he regenerated, we had Christmas dinner and crackers with Mum, but by and large, he doesn't do settling down and white picket fence and all that. I definitely went off on both o' 'em. Because the way they were even keeping the married thing secret was unnervin'." A quiet snort, "He knows now anyway." Not that he was much happier about it, but whatever, his life, not Rose's.
"I just can't imagine Big Ears and Leather Jacket, seein' all the tip-toeing around him, like he's made of eggshells and not --" she mimed a hand shove, "Tippin' it all over. Don't get me wrong, he'd been through... a lot. Hell, even. The things he never talks about, the Time War. But even then. The first date we went on, him and me, I had this moment where I just realized, I ran off with an alien I didn't know his name, home planet, time period he's from, nothing. And I was just trustin' and lettin' him do everything and anything and it wasn't like I had a way home without him, so I started asking all those questions and he hates talking about it, so we got into it, a small row compared to anything we do now, but--"
She laughed and shook her head. "Can't imagine that Doctor ever being okay with people treating him like he needs to be kept safe in bubble wrap, yeah? I still have the memories of him just... kickin' in doors, or ridin' a horse through time-windows, or --" she giggled maniacally, "Replacin' Jack's gun with a banana, like some big action hero all the time. I mean. I think it's maybe easier for me just because... I'm used to it all going so lightning fast that there's no time to try and think too hard about it." A serious nod, "Yeaaaah definitely." Another snort. "But no one really wants to hear their destiny planned out, right? Especially..." she trailed off and shook her head.
She'd been going to say when it meant leaving people behind, bring up Jack again, but so much better not to. "I still wouldn't mind the face after Sunglasses showin' up just to put him in his place. Betcha anything they won't be so grumpy and dour. Well, Fluffy, the face you know, says the circumstances of his regenerations make a huge deal. So..." Rose shrugged. "And he wasn't supposed to go beyond Bowtie..." Another face!!! "Which is another thing that ticks me off. Him always actin' like I'm the fragile one! As if!"
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Martha acknowledged Rose's bro-fist, somewhat awkwardly since she hadn't been expecting it, but she thought she managed not to look like a complete newb about it. Words wanted to swell up, about protecting the Doctor from whatever he'd had with the self that was here before her, but Martha found she wasn't in the mood to continue that train of thought. Too much emotion, too much vulnerability, and -- a quick look around confirmed -- too much exposure.
Besides, she was curious (always curious) about what Rose had just said. "What do you mean, he wasn't supposed to go past Bowtie?"
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Was it a secret? She was pretty sure... it wasn't. He just never spoke of it, in the same way he never spoke of anything.
Still, everyone had flipped out over her mentioning the attempted murders, so... okay.
But this was different.
And she didn't even know how he got more regenerations. Though, Guitarist said it wasn't Rose's fault... exactly. Though he wouldn't have lived to that point if not for her and manipulations so...
Rose returned with a pot of chamomile and a fancy quaff of red wine. It was to feed the plasma, but luckily... hadn't gone through the blood filtration process yet. Though she'd have to remember to get Fluffy some more.
"Does not leave you and me, yeah?"
And indeed, Rose didn't sit back across from Martha, but very close, dropping to a whisper even.
"Timelords only have a certain amount of regenerations. What's more, they can be killed before it has time to kick in. I don't know how he got more. Especially not with the TimeLords gone. But because Fluffy used a regeneration to make Meta, accidentally mind, but still, Bowtie was supposed to be his last. And fixed points. Like Jack. They're lethal to 'em. I don't know why or how. Just that it is."
She completely avoided everything about River this time. Besides, it wasn't Bowtie she was having a meltdown at anyway.
"Before you met him, when Sarah Jane first came back, he told me he could never be more than we already were, because he was going to have outlive me, the curse of the TimeLords, he said." She shivered, still angry somehow. "So here, in this place. His future wife is not human either, and he went and freely shagged Jack, despite leavin' him behind without even letting me tell 'im off it, yeah? So I was pretty mad about both of those. Especially since... I've seen him die. No chance or time to regenerate. And I've never been that close because Bad Wolf. I arranged it just like Jack and him, so I wouldn't."
She sighed and chugged a good deal of the wine, her voice never going above the whisper. And doodled a finger on the table in circles.
"Guitarist wasn't going to exist. And when he gets melancholy and all... doesn't really want to exist, I lose it the most on him. It's not him I'm mad at. It's me. But I can't slap myself and go into my past and undo it, so it just sort of volcanoes." She rested one arm on the table, propped up her head on it, and gave Martha a lopsided grin, "But when he smiles...." she shook her head and closed her eyes. Dangerous. The most dangerous of thoughts. He's married. She tried to remind herself that every time, and then they all told her to stop using that as an excuse. Argh.
"My first boyfriend was a guitarist." That was said at normal volume, as Rose poured herself another cup of wine. She's got the best ideas, really.
"Jimmy Stone. Not even cool enough for a motorcycle though." Drinks!
"And like I said. Got engaged to a woman in Norway." She rubbed her eyebrows and forehead with her knuckles. "But I'm the Doctor's only bassist. Whatever that means." And tart. But there wasn't enough liquor in the multiverse to get Rose to say that out loud. Ches might give it away, but she didn't have to admit it or act like it was anything other than a cat being mysterious, did she?
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She took a sip and thought through the words, trying to figure out what it was Rose was trying to tell her. "All right, so, he's had too many regenerations, and no one's sure how he got more or if there will be more after the Professor, because the Professor wasn't supposed to be." Which was sad and harsh and made Martha want to hug him, if he'd speak to her after the nonsense before. "The whole lot of them have a martyr complex, which under the circumstances both makes sense and drives the rest of us right mad."
Her fingers caught in the dreads at the end of her hair and tugged at them, smiling wryly. "I reckon I'm caught up to that. But the rest, I can't figure whether you're warning me off, which is so far beyond pre-emptive that it's bonkers, or you're doing girl talk on account of having a crush you can't otherwise talk about. Either way, I'm not pissed with you. You're just doing my head in, a bit."
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Until the end.
"What?"
Pause. "What what?"
Rose slaps herself across the face. "He's. He's... married. His wife is here, and they all give me some big thing about how I'm trying too hard to constrain an alien with my human conceptions of what marriage is, but then what's the point if it doesn't mean anything? Yeah, no -- I... I'm very in love with the Guitarist Doctor. But that doesn't... mean much o' anything." Drinking more of that wine.
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"Rose. Easy, yeah? Just us chickens here, so you can say what you like." At least, she thinks that's what Rose is one about with the slapping. "I can't speak for the Professor and River, but I can give you my opinion, if you like."
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"Right. Well. Marriage, it started as off as a way of tying men together through their daughters, yeah? And it's still a way of corralling women into their place, whatever any government decides it is.
"Blah blah, all that and Bob's your uncle! Marriage is a shite institution of economic oppression--
She wonders if Rose is even listening at this point, but maybe now she's got to the twist, she will be. "Except that it's not, right? Because when we really love someone, and we want to tie our lives together, we say our 'I dos' and all that. And there's nothing wrong with you wanting that, or respecting it when someone else has it.
"Thing is, I've walked half the world and seen all kinds of marriages. Some with more than two people. Some that didn't keep sex or even romance within the marriage. Gay people who married for status or safety. Marriage signifies your recognition of a person as a partner, but it doesn't have to mean your only partner, and it doesn't have to be the be all and end all of love."
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Although she does make a tea and wine mix. That was a bad idea, she realizes as she sips it. It tastes awful.
She keeps drinking it.
"I know."
Drinks.
"Really, I do," a gentle smile for Martha.
And just like that... her mask cracked and she got teary, but... it's okay. Not gonna cry.
"I know on some planets, we've been married since the first day I ran off with him. I know River and him are complicated enough it really is nothing to do with me. And I don't care about marriage, I really don't."
Drinks.
She wished she could tell Martha more, but not all the liquor in Genessia was enough to get Rose to reveal the rest. It wasn't about her anyway. And it barely mattered.
"You know one day he stranded me on a carnivorous ship with Mickey and charged through a glass window into the past, which meant he was gonna be stuck there. All to save Madame du Pompadour. Reinette." She gently swirled her wine and tea cup. "Mickey told me he's always doin' that, always would be too. Pointed out he called Cleopatra Cleo and spoke about her like..." She waved a hand and drank some more. "First day I was here, I found out not only did his marry Cleopatra? So did River." DRINKS HARD.
Slams the cup down, FIERY eyes on Martha.
"And you know what? I'm not even mad about that. I'm not. Sarah Jane says I just can't accept it's after my time, and it's true, I can't. To me, there is no after Rose. But time travel, yeah? There's definitely time where Rose isn't." Rose growled, "I'm mad because it was meant to show me how he doesn't get jealous. And if he doesn't get jealous, and didn't get jealous over me and Jack, then he had no right splittin' us up, and comin' between us, you follow me?" GRIT TEETH AND A BARELY HELD BACK SNARL. "Oh, but he gets jealous all right."
Drinks. "And fine. He treats me different from the rest. One set o' rules for River, different set of rules for Rose. What-the-fuck-ever." Pours more wine, she's going to finish the whole bloody bottle at this rate, oops.
"But he does not get to tell me I'm obligated to make everything easier on him. Everyone in a happy orgy love pile? That is never going to happen with me there. Marrying his other wives so he doesn't have to worry about them? No way in bleeding hell. He had the actual gall to say it's always been about me, what I want, what will make me happy. That after telling me to get out of his life AGAIN?"
Rose got up, paced up and down the length of the restaurant closing her eyes, focusing her breathing, practicing meditation and yoga, not giving a damn how absurd it looked.
When she returned she used the table like a ballerina's bar, doing more gymnastic stretches. "Guitarist said Fluffy thinks he can have it all. Problem is, I won't be part of it. I don't want him deciding where I belong." She attempted to do a handstand, depsite 3/4ths of a bottle of wine in her system. "He only knew Reinette one day, but he was in love with her. And heartbroken when he didn't get to bring her back. I pointed out she could show up here. Fluffy said he wouldn't invite her into the TARDIS. Because he was worried about me being jealous. Guitarist was trying to joke around, said if he hadn't found a way back I would haven the TARDIS myself and asked him what the hell he thought he was playing at. HAH! As if! NO! Never." Growl growl growl.
"I will not be his god damn excuse for not doing what he wants! If he doesn't want something, then fine! But don't blame it on me! You know why I didn't romance anyone but him? Because of me!" she carefully cartwheeled back to upright, though she clenched a fist. "Not because of him, not because of him at all! I didn't know if I could find him, I didn't know if he felt the same way -- WHICH BY THE WAY HE DOESN'T!--" Deep breath, nostrils flaring, fuming in out, 1-2, "But because I didn't want to waste my time on less than the best. For awhile when things were actually smooth sailing between me and Guitarist, I didn't want to touch Jack or Fluffy either. Because it didn't feel right to be using them as a substitute, yeah?" She growled and knuckled her forehead and eyebrows.
"Even if Guitarist wasn't the Doctor. I'd have been mad about him. That realization really shook me up. It was easier when I could blame it on just the obvious. But eventually I got over it. Then I worried what the hell does it say about me? His wife is here, it's one thing to say 'Oh well with time travel, they don't see each other much and it's complicated,' it's quite another when she's working in the same building, got the same office, just down a corridor. Bit of a heavy reminder exactly what attention she should be gettin, not you." Rose spread both her hands and shrugged dramatically. "But you know what? I didn't care. Even then. Because they all said, it's not for me to worry about or even consider, so fine. I won't."
She lightly bopped her fist into the wall. "Because the only thing I care about is making their existence better while I can. And Fluffy won't let me. He uses me to torture himself. And I was pretty sure Guitarist was too, but we fought it out. And Jack? I'd have been with Jack every day since I brought him back from the dead, and done anything I could to keep him safe. But no." Bap bap bap bap. "What do I want. What do I want?" GROWL GROWL GROWL. "What I want doesn't matter. What I can do about it and will do, DOES." Bap.
Rose took a deep breath and went back to pacing.
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Fortunately, she was paying attention before, so she can get up without interrupting Rose and set up more tea for herself. Which she does, all the time making sure Rose knows she's listening, by making eye contact or nodding or making a sound when she pauses.
The thing is, she's knackered. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. What she'd thought was a simple opinion on the subject of whether Rose could let herself love the oldest Doctor without offending his marriage had turned out to be yet another brick in the wall of Rose's trauma.
She sighed, rubbed the bridge of her nose against the burgeoning headache, and sipped her tea until Rose had wound down a bit, it seemed. "Rose, love. If you don't mind my saying--" Though she planned to anyway, because what kind of friend would she be if she didn't? Even if they were only just now becoming friends. "Your issues with the Doctors go deeper than who's pulling with whom, yeah? For your own sake, maybe you want to find a counselor. I don't mind listening, and giving hugs for support, but I reckon you need someone who doesn't have their own issues with the Doctors to be objective for you." God knew she and Jack couldn't do that. Not even a bit.
"I don't mean to be cunty about it. For all I know you're seeing someone already, and that's none of mine unless you want it to be. But I'm new here, new to you, and all I can think is I wish she had someone better trained than me to talk to."
She really hopes Rose can hear how she's saying that with a heart full of understanding, because the last thing she wants is to be picking a fight.
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