Himura Tomoe (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
willing_sheath) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
genessia2018-11-29 11:11 pm
willing_sheath) wrote in genessia2018-11-29 11:11 pm
Entry tags:
005//Anonymous Text
Not long ago someone posed a question about moving on after losing someone important to death.
But this place offers a different sort of dilemma.
I am the one who died. I arrived without memory of my death only for it to return to me weeks afterward. I had been comforted at first with assurances that time is halted in our worlds, that no time will be lost in the interim--but that is not the case for me. If I leave this place I leave to nothing. I have no hope of seeing my family again. I have no hope of knowing what became of them--and the events surrounding my death do not indicate anything good.
What am I supposed to do? When the husband I had arrives fifteen years after my death with too much blood and time separating us to rekindle what we once had... and when that same husband is then sent back without a trace. He will not remember me. He will only remember the ghost that has haunted him for all that time. I am dead to him all over again.
And what of me? Do I continue trying to live as a wife whose husband may or may not ever return here? Who may return again years past and distant? Who may return re-married with a new family? Do I consider myself a widow? Because for me it is as though they have all died. My husband, my father, my brother, everyone I ever knew or loved--all of them out of reach with no hope of seeing them again aside from the whims of whatever these "gods" seem fit to play.
What am I supposed to do with this unwanted "second chance" where I am trapped in my own head to the point that I feel as though I've been consigned to my own personal hell?
What am I supposed to do? What is the right thing to do?
But this place offers a different sort of dilemma.
I am the one who died. I arrived without memory of my death only for it to return to me weeks afterward. I had been comforted at first with assurances that time is halted in our worlds, that no time will be lost in the interim--but that is not the case for me. If I leave this place I leave to nothing. I have no hope of seeing my family again. I have no hope of knowing what became of them--and the events surrounding my death do not indicate anything good.
What am I supposed to do? When the husband I had arrives fifteen years after my death with too much blood and time separating us to rekindle what we once had... and when that same husband is then sent back without a trace. He will not remember me. He will only remember the ghost that has haunted him for all that time. I am dead to him all over again.
And what of me? Do I continue trying to live as a wife whose husband may or may not ever return here? Who may return again years past and distant? Who may return re-married with a new family? Do I consider myself a widow? Because for me it is as though they have all died. My husband, my father, my brother, everyone I ever knew or loved--all of them out of reach with no hope of seeing them again aside from the whims of whatever these "gods" seem fit to play.
What am I supposed to do with this unwanted "second chance" where I am trapped in my own head to the point that I feel as though I've been consigned to my own personal hell?
What am I supposed to do? What is the right thing to do?
ANON TEXT
Yes... I imagine so.
[She wants to be grateful... but she is just so full of regret... of everything she caused.]
[Even this.]
ANON TEXT
My thoughts on the subject have been everywhere. I was supposed to be dead, but I kept trying to live.
I see why I should give up, but I can't. I don't want to stop living yet. I want to see my kids grow up and make my family happy.
At the same time... Now that I've left that world, everyone has a chance to live without me. To be happy, without me. If my lover has a second chance and gets married, without me...
I don't know what I would do if she came here, with another lover's ring on her finger.
ANON TEXT
Would you want her to? To move on?
My husband did not, or at least had not yet. He went fifteen years just wandering alone. I still do not know what to think of that. Part of me was selfishly relieved but another part only felt guilt that I was the reason for it. Fifteen years with no connections to anyone. What kind of life is that?
[ooc; jesus Uai you just hit me right in the damn feels]
no subject
But I don't know if I could bear to hear her say, "Yeah, it'll make me happier."
I've been waiting too. I still haven't gotten around to fully accepting my death. I'm still trying, just further away. It's hard to live without the person you love. I don't really envy your husband for it.
Then again... being alive and in love was never easy when I was there. I'm sure you both had your trials too. Maybe this is no different?
... I'm being selfish too, in hoping that.
[ooc: right back atcha tho]
no subject
I find myself wishing I had never woken up--but still I stubbornly cling to life...