005//Anonymous Text

[willing_sheath]

Not long ago someone posed a question about moving on after losing someone important to death.

But this place offers a different sort of dilemma.

I am the one who died. I arrived without memory of my death only for it to return to me weeks afterward. I had been comforted at first with assurances that time is halted in our worlds, that no time will be lost in the interim--but that is not the case for me. If I leave this place I leave to nothing. I have no hope of seeing my family again. I have no hope of knowing what became of them--and the events surrounding my death do not indicate anything good.

What am I supposed to do? When the husband I had arrives fifteen years after my death with too much blood and time separating us to rekindle what we once had... and when that same husband is then sent back without a trace. He will not remember me. He will only remember the ghost that has haunted him for all that time. I am dead to him all over again.

And what of me? Do I continue trying to live as a wife whose husband may or may not ever return here? Who may return again years past and distant? Who may return re-married with a new family? Do I consider myself a widow? Because for me it is as though they have all died. My husband, my father, my brother, everyone I ever knew or loved--all of them out of reach with no hope of seeing them again aside from the whims of whatever these "gods" seem fit to play.

What am I supposed to do with this unwanted "second chance" where I am trapped in my own head to the point that I feel as though I've been consigned to my own personal hell?

What am I supposed to do? What is the right thing to do?

Comments

[Anon text]

[youfool]

[He knows the pain of loss and subsequent loss of hope all too well. Here goes nothing.]

Prayer is good as an avenue for thwarted love. As an act touching eternity, it's not frustrated by time.

As for what to do, all I would advise is to be good. There are still others around who you might benefit; live for that.

And perhaps find a sympathetic ear to talk to, if only to get out of your head. Burdens are always harder to bear alone.

[Physician, heal thyself.]

[Anon text]

[willing_sheath]

I suppose.

Sympathetic or not, I am not one to share my thoughts so easily.

This anonymous communication has been the closest I have been able to come.

Re: [Anon text]

[youfool]

[Not the first reticent soul Ted's met, so much as he'd like to violate the anonymity of the internet, he can't quit place her. yet]

Well, you're certainly not alone in this. I know very well the indefinite pain of loss; how you can love another so much, have so much hope and expectation for them, and then--nothing. As Shakespeare said, expectation is the root of all heartache. It's a very familiar way of this world.

One I knew very well went away recently. It hurt abominably, of course. I found, however, that she'd left me her most treasured possessions, as though she'd entrusted her deepest ambitions to me. Of course, I'd trade them all away in an instant for her, but it was heartening to know what esteem I'd been held in. Being given a motivation, even if it is an extenuation of hers, certainly helped. Grief's easier to manage when one has a goal in mind. Perhaps the departed had similar hopes in you?

[This tac is very strange and difficult for him, for Ted's not used to speaking of himself. It's not a subject he likes much, and it felt...well, selfish. Narcissistic. Taking focus away from someone freshly in pain. And yet, poring over the responses of many in similar straits and seeing what's worked, he couldn't deny the effectiveness of sharing another self. Even anonymously.]

I'd like to say it gets easier; that you learn to not put too much hope in transient things, coarse as that is. You can only rest safely in eternity. All else seems but a passing dream.

[Anon text]

[willing_sheath]

He would want me to find a way to be happy. I know this but it seems impossible. I don't deserve to be happy, knowing what I did to him and what I put him through. Even though he not only forgave me but claimed there was nothing to forgive.

How can I accept that knowing how it has tormented him for all this time? Knowing it will continue to torment him?

Re: [Anon text]

[youfool]

Happiness, I've found, doesn't depend upon desert.

[He's not sure he knows what "it" refers to, and restrains his morbid curiosity to ask.]

Seems there's naught to do but acceptance. Happiness certainly won't be found in senseless rejection.

[Anon Text]

[fashionably_strong]

I can't tell what's right because what's right is different for everybody. But what I can tell you is that I'm one of the people who has been to a multiverse before this one.

[She knows there's plenty of people here who have been to one other multiverse. Two or more is far less common, so she sticks to one.]

I hadn't died, but I was the only person there from my world with no guarantee of ever returning home. They didn't even know if you got sent back home with no previous memories. Some people had been taken from their worlds and had been there for over ten years.

It's scary and can be really depressing. What I did to help myself deal with how much I missed everyone was find ways to honour my loved ones through the things I did in that new world. I moved forward, made friends, and lived my life as best as I could in the meantime. I never did stop missing my loved ones from home. That doesn't go away. But surrounding yourself with friends and finding things to do with your life that are meaningful to you can help.

[Anon Text]

[willing_sheath]

[Anon-Bulla, you have won the prize for most helpful response. She just hasn't decided whether she even deserves to move on.]

Thank you. Though I regret to know you experienced this, it is somewhat of a comfort knowing someone else understands this feeling. Or at least enough of it.

And I suppose that is the only course of action. Forward is the only direction I can go.

[Anon Text]

[fashionably_strong]

Are there any causes or interests that were especially important to your loved ones?

[Anon Text]

[willing_sheath]

No. My father was a simple man, my brother still a child. My husband...

Yes, but nothing I could pursue.

ANON TEXT

[ubiquitously]

I don't know. If we take a second chance, does that mean we're spitting in the face of our first one?

Oops, that's just another question.

I don't think there's a right thing to do, though. But when I was alive, I did my best to be grateful for every second of it. All I can do now is be grateful for the life I lived and the people who loved me, and be "okay" for them. Give them less to worry about.

ANON TEXT

[willing_sheath]

I don't know either. I don't know that I want a second chance. I don't know that I deserve a second chance.

Yes... I imagine so.

[She wants to be grateful... but she is just so full of regret... of everything she caused.]

[Even this.]

ANON TEXT

[ubiquitously]

You don't have to agree.

My thoughts on the subject have been everywhere. I was supposed to be dead, but I kept trying to live.

I see why I should give up, but I can't. I don't want to stop living yet. I want to see my kids grow up and make my family happy.

At the same time... Now that I've left that world, everyone has a chance to live without me. To be happy, without me. If my lover has a second chance and gets married, without me...

I don't know what I would do if she came here, with another lover's ring on her finger.

ANON TEXT

[willing_sheath]

Likewise... I have no children, but I practically raised my brother as my son. The last time I saw him he was in a position where he would likely be killed. I'll never know if he escaped. He must have, because my husband did. But I'll never know for sure.

Would you want her to? To move on?

My husband did not, or at least had not yet. He went fifteen years just wandering alone. I still do not know what to think of that. Part of me was selfishly relieved but another part only felt guilt that I was the reason for it. Fifteen years with no connections to anyone. What kind of life is that?

[ooc; jesus Uai you just hit me right in the damn feels]

Text

[nrgsvr]

Get professional help. A therapist and/or psychiatrist is better equipped in helping you find the answers you need.

Make a new life? I know a few people who are dead in their home world. They took advantage of their time here and made this place a true home.

ANON TEXT (forever even if I forget to mark it)

[willing_sheath]

I do not know what you mean by 'therapist' and 'psychiatrist'? A doctor of some kind?

[She wasn't physically ill, this made no sense.]

[And the bitterness she's feeling keeps her from even replying to the rest.]

Re: ANON TEXT (forever even if I forget to mark it)

[nrgsvr]

Doctors that specialize in mental and emotional health.

The ones here should be trained to deal with the unique issues being here causes.

ANON TEXT

[willing_sheath]

[This simply does not make sense to her. Of course psychiatry as a whole didn't really take off until the 20th century, so that makes sense--so all she can think of in this case are people who are demented or mentally retarded and either locked up in their familial homes or abandoned on the street.]

[But then again, didn't she feel like she was losing her mind...?]

How does one treat "mental and emotional" ailments?

[Aside from locking them away from society.]

[Anon Text]

[wontdieifkilled]

My father is in a similar position as you. He died five years ago, but he's here today, taken from ten years into the past. I'm still trying to find ways to help him, so just know it might take some time.

The best advice I can give is to try to find something worth living for. Another person, an activity, even an ideal. If you can't think of anything you have now, then try getting involved in new things. And if you feel upset, try to work the emotions out of yourself. I did some of these things to come to terms with my own losses, and some of them helped me. They might help you, too.

That's the best I can think of. I hope it helps.

[Anon Text]

[willing_sheath]

Does he know?

[That all makes sense... but feels so impossible right now. Save one. She could work. She she kept herself busy enough she wouldn't have time to think. And when she did have time to think she would likely begin drinking herself into a stupor again...]

It makes sense. Thank you for your thoughts.

Re: [Anon Text]

[wontdieifkilled]

Yes. It's hard to tell how he feels about his situation, since he doesn't emote or speak very much. But we're determined to help him.

[Even Archer and Rin want to help him, which speaks volumes. However, Shirou is probably the most passionate about helping Kiritsugu.]

[Anon Text]

[willing_sheath]

[Doesn't emote or speak much huh? WHO DOES THAT SOUND LIKE?]

I see.

How did he pass? Illness? Accident?

[delilahs_death]

As someone else here who is dead -- I am not sure I have anything like answers, or anything reassuring, exactly. And I admit, I have never been married.

But I don't think there is any 'supposed to', or any 'right' thing to do. We are given lives wholly divorced from what we had before. I do not think anyone could fault you if you lived as if you still had a family, nor fault you if you acted as if they were gone from you entirely. It is up to those who arrive here to do whatever is best for themselves, in whatever way allows them to continue forward.

Anon Text

[willing_sheath]

I don't know how to figure out what is right. I feel as though I am just walking in circles, how am I to move forward?

[delilahs_death]

There may not be a right, or a wrong. There may be only what you prefer or wish.

The only way forward is continuing on. It does not need to be more complicated than that. You live your life here and see where it takes you.

ANON TEXT

[willing_sheath]

Yes... I imagine so...