genessia | 3rd Titan Down | Video (trigger warnings for: death, gore, and emotional trauma in the comments)

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3rd Titan Down | Video (trigger warnings for: death, gore, and emotional trauma in the comments)

[Those who know Jean might notice the shadows under his eyes and the fact that he doesn't look...particularly emotive about anything right now. Those who don't know Jean, hi.]

When I decided to use the Dream Docks, I thought I was only going to be there for a week. I didn't expect it to last over a month. But the city's still standing, so I guess I didn't miss much.

Still fucking weird as ever, though.

[Filtered to Mikasa]

Uhm, Mikasa... [And any confidence he had is gone. He's nervous and regretful, and he has no idea how to make it up.] Sorry. I just wanted to see what was happening on our world.

Are you--

Can we--

Can I come over? I get it if you don't want me to.

[Because it feels weird not asking after just disappearing like that.]

[/Filtered]

[Filtered to Marco]

I know I didn't talk to you that much for a while. How've you been? Just going to say this once and then move on. Sorry for the way I've acted...and everything. I'm surprised you haven't punched me in the face.

[/Filtered]

[Filtered to Weiss]

My absence was irresponsible, and seeing as you're running for Guardian, this might be a shit time to ask. But I want to know whether or not it's possible to have my job back.

[/Filtered]

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Yeah. I know you do.

[He's looking away, his face practically hidden. But he glances at him when he talks again.]

I'll help you. We can practice together. You're not alone in this.

No, you don't have to. I can do it.

I don't...want you to feel like you have to do this. You didn't do this; I did, and I can make this work for myself.

...I'm sure you've already heard how this happened. I -- please don't ever go to the Dream Docks again. Mikasa wouldn't be able to handle it. [ and himself but he comes second ]

It doesn't change the fact that I played my part in it.

It could have happened to any of us instead. It didn't have to be you. If the situation was reversed with any of us, would you just be okay standing on the sidelines and watching? It's not an obligation, it's my choice if I want to help, so don't be a dumbass and try to belittle my choice.

Of course, if you just don't want help, I can accept that. As long as it's not because you have some delusional, martyr-complex reason for not accepting it.

[Did Marco really think he could get away with that just because he's hurting? Maybe Jean's being too hard on him, but it's the only way he knows how to show he cares.]

... [He doesn't say anything. What can he say to that? He looks haunted. This was so fucked up. But at the same time, they had a responsibility to know what was happening on their world.]

Edited 2015-12-01 21:50 (UTC)

You shouldn't feel like you have to help me at all. I'm not asking you to take your time and help me... I don't want to feel like you have to - that's all. I've...I've been okay so far. I just started getting out a little more even if I still don't feel like myself.

It could've happened to anyone, but it didn't. There was a reason that this happened to me and I have to accept it and move on. That's all.

I just... Jean, I don't want you to be upset or to blame yourself. I was scared when I saw you because I didn't know if you were really here or if something crazy was going on. I didn't want you upset about...me. I don't want to be the reason you're being held back or depressed. I'm not sad about it anymore... You shouldn't be. At all.

[ he bites his lip, feeling like Jean might explode after all of that ]

[He shuts his eyes and lowers his hands, his fists trembling. He doesn't look like he's about to explode. More like he's going to break down if Marco keeps talking this way. He inhales sharply, shoulders shaking, his voice quiet and lacking its normal edge.]

You're my best friend...

Je-- [ all he could think about was how he needed to stay out of the way and not be a burden to Jean ]

Jean, you... You have to live your life. I don't want to be a burden on you. I'm not broken but I am at a disadvantage if something were to happen here. I don't want something to happen to you because of me.

Heh. [ he looks down and shakes his head, his lip quivering ] It feels like...everything I've ever done was to try to keep you safe or to keep you happy or to make sure that you were taken care of. Even here; I ran out to get a job and you disappeared... I was so upset about what had happened to you and I wanted to see you again... I went to the Dream Docks despite knowing what I knew what happened to me. I had to see you... I had to know you were alive and you were okay too...

You're my best friend too, Jean. And I really care for you. More than I even care for anyone else, even myself.

Stop...

[There's an unstable note in his voice, before the walls he's built cave down. Before he knows it, he's trying to grip Marco's shoulder. It probably hurts a little. He doesn't seem to realize it, but he's no longer quiet. He's yelling, but under the anger, it almost sounds like he's pleading.]

Stop living for me! Damnit, Marco, you're such an idiot. Why did you-- Why would you--

How the fuck do you think I dealt with it? I wanted you to live your life here but because of me-- If I hadn't--

Don't give me that kind of responsibility. I can't live for the both of us. Don't you dare do anything so self-destructive again.

... [ he doesn't know what to say and his chest feels tight. there's an obvious pressure on his shoulder from the grip. he swallows hard, his eye glassy as if he's going to cry again...but he doesn't ]

I-I can't promise something like that. I'll always throw my life down if it's to save you. You were meant for so much more...more than even the both of us combined.

I told you before, you could be a great leader. And I meant it. But I put you first because I care about you. That's just... That's how I am. I don't know how else to tell you. I can't change, Jean. Even if I tried, it wouldn't help at this point.

[He's quiet as he muses over something horrible. Died for a reason throw away his life. He doesn't even hear the rest of his words, letting them wash over him like a fog. Vague and muddled. His voice is flat when he asks.]

What do you mean, "throw your life down for me"? Tell me, Marco...

...If something were to happen and someone had to choose whether I lived or you did, I would die so that you could keep on living. That's what I meant.

[He tries to shove him away.]

That's stupid.

[Maybe he just needs to cool down before he gets even more angry. There's an unspoken apology that he wants to say, but the words die in his mouth. He shakes his head and turns away.]

[ he gets pushed, but doesn't move that much. at least he told him. he can't help but feel at least a little relieved. Marco decides to finally move, deciding he's been an eyesore long enough. without a word, he walks to the kitchen to get himself some tea ]

[He's shaking, the silence weighing heavily and just making him hyperaware of how pissed and upset he is. He's furious at Marco, and himself. So punching the wall over and over sounds like a perfectly reasonable idea.]

--Jean!! What are you doing?!

[ he whips around, grabbing onto the wrist of one of Jean's hands ] Stop!!

Fuck off! [He tries to shrug him off, and keeps punching that wall. Damn you wall.]

Just stop! You'll hurt yourself! [ he tries to grab him either by putting an arm around his shoulders or around his waist. Marco presses his face into Jean's shirt, holding him as tight as he can to get him to stop ]

Please stop...

Oh so it's okay for you to hurt yourself, but it's not okay if I do it. Fucking hypocrite.

[He stubbornly keeps punching, until he just stops. It's as if all the energy drains at once and he's standing there, unmoving and unable to react or cry.]

I didn't hurt myself! I wasn't the one who tore myself in half. I already knew what would happen to me.

[ his voice is muffled against Jean's shirt. there's tears that sting his eyes but he doesn't cry and he doesn't let go ]

...I didn't know what to do. You're the only friend I had ever had who become closest to a brother... It was like I had lost my family; like I had lost a part of myself. I was upset that I had lost you. I did go back and because of my stupid choice, I did get hurt.

Edited 2015-12-02 01:13 (UTC)

You just said you'd throw your life away for me! Do you think I want that?!

[It feels like everything's closing in on him at once. He doesn't register the pain, barely notices anything.]

You had everyone else. You--

[But he doesn't deserve to keep speaking when he's the one who abandoned everyone else. Unintentionally, maybe, but.]

This is bullshit.

Then tell me how it makes you feel instead of punching a wall!

I'd rather just punch the wall!!!

No, Jean, just talk to me!!

You'll just get hurt again if I talk to you! I can't see that look again-- I've already fucked up too many times to count! I can't keep-- [He's leaning against the wall, his voice cracking while he struggles to not completely break down right then and there.]

You won't even let me accept responsibility. I'm sorry, okay? I'm so fucking sorry!

Edited 2015-12-02 02:44 (UTC)

I won't get hurt just talk to me. How could I get hurt?

[ he frowns, letting go of him when he leans against the wall. he looks down again ]

You don't have to accept responsibility. It was my fault. You told me about it beforehand and I still went. You don't have to be sorry, it's over and done with.

Can you quit with being so kind and forgiving all the time?! I don't know why I'm even talking to you...

[He attacks the wall again in a blind rage.]

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