genessia | [Video] (LATE morning, well after newspapers are out) CW: idk balut, eating Irish babies.... :|

Let's just make something completely clear here, yoi.

Chickens have rights.

[.... That was one of hell of a non sequitur.] And anyone who thinks people won't complain about anything you eat is just fooling themselves. I come from a world where even plants are sentient and talk sometimes. And if Big Mama's souls get into the homies around her, all food talks and has eyes and ears and babbles about weird shit like whether or not they'll be tasty. And humans freak out all the time about others eating bugs, even though you'll eat fish and birds that eat bugs, and that's worse because it just means entropy is happening and you're getting less energy value from it. Or do you just like the waste and taste of chaos? Besides, do you know what lobster is? Sea bugs.

I'm not saying don't ever eat anything. I'm saying, you're all disgusting. [Points a finger. Isn't he great?] Have you ever heard of-- [HAS TO STOP HIMSELF FROM THROWING UP SORRY, complete with fist over his mouth, quietly breathing to stay deadpan.] balut? [DUN DUN DUN. Also clearly from his face, this is the most heinous thing he's ever heard of.] It makes the satire A Modest Proposal by Jonathon Swift seem absolutely humane, yoi! And for those who don't know, he was suggesting convincing the nobles to start eating babies that would otherwise starve to death. And that's not even the sick part, the sick part is that the nobles were only mad that the babies weren't good enough for them to eat. Kind of like veal. Which is baby calves. Only not only is it baby calves, they can only be fed milk or they stop tasting like newborns. You freaks.

[ARMFOLD.] So before you start worrying about whether sharks eating sharks is cannibalism, or whether it's okay to eat humans, or only non-humans, or if fish can feel pain, let me just tell you. They all have lives, and you know what nuts and berries are? Sex organs of plants. You know why testes are called nuts? That's why! And berries are just like ovaries. And hell, caviar is considered by weirdo humans to be a delicacy and that's just literally going into a fish and scraping out her eggs. Humans either just never think of how disgusting it is, or they learn to stop caring.

But if you care about one food today, don't eat balut. It's filthy and wrong and you should be ashamed. Go eat plant testes. Or bee vomit. You sickos. You disgust me.

Oi, but seriously. Chickens have rights. Just because you raise them as food doesn't mean you can treat them like slaves, scrape out their eggs, or cut off their beaks. Let them live in peace, and grow nice and big, and then you can do the food thing. Because otherwise someday a giant bird might just decide to eat you. [~~If only Buggy were here to testify...~~]

[But that appears to be the end of his rant. Finally.]

[Action: However speaking of giant birds.... There's an extra huffy sparkly blue phoenix hanging around the outdoor cafes, hissing and glaring at anyone who orders eggs for brunch today. :| It's just one of those days.... Bet you wish there was a vigilante to help stop him now, huh? Well, maybe not. Or maybe you can stop him. BE THE HERO THAT NON-VEGANS NEED EVEN IF THEY DO NOT DESERVE!]

[ooc: Do not google balut if you are squeamish about half-grown ducks or chickens still in the eggs.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I don't taste like anything.

Go eat some trees.

Aww, not even a tiny nibble!?

[ Then, without missing a beat: ]

Oh, I did once, when we were on Ekkunar. It's more like a dessert because the sap is really sweet and then depending on the tree you get fruit on top!

But then the Captain got mad because I kept spitting splinters at Kleese's head. So I wasn't allowed to eat trees any more.

Kleese?

Did you eat cacti and desert bones too? At least those are supposed to be good for calcium. And getting high.

Kleese is a grumpy old fart who knows the Captain and works for the LLC, but none of that matters since I'm here now and they're off in the Solus System!

I tried! But one of the spines poked my hand eyes and I wasn't gonna wrangle with that any more than I needed to.

...also, does it count as desert bones if you eat a recently deceased thing in the desert?

Depends on how long it was sun-bleached, but maybe there's more calcium in it than not, I'm not really sure. [CLEARLY LESS MOCK OUTRAGED... and genuinely distracted trying to determine this. You have actually hit upon something he doesn't know regarding food and grossing people out. And clearly he can't gross this guy out so.... he gives up even trying.]

[Now's his chance to find out what weird things taste like...]

[Except he has none?]

What about gold and the other precious minerals? I've heard the rich like to sprinkle carbon diamond dust, but isn't that the same as coal?

Nah, we're talking "straight off this mortal coil" kind of fresh. I killed it myself!

[ She is the queen of not giving any fucks, clearly. ]

Gold is really really soft and kinda bland and shouldn't really be used to make jewelry because then it's too easy to slurp it all up like pasta but silver is okay! It tastes kinda cool, like ice cubes, except not as hard to chew on.

Nah nah nah, diamond dust is more like rock candy, coal is just bleeeeeeeeeh [ with the accompanying eye-rolling ] and doesn't taste nearly as good.

Also, it's more easily obtainable than people think, just saying.

That doesn't count as desert bones at all, yoi. That's just bones. Anyone can do that. [Well not anyone. But D's like Ace can do it same as breathing. Of course, they're freaks.]

Duly noted, yoi. How about acid?

Okay, cool, glad we got that squared away!

I think acid is pretty tasty! It fizzes a bunch and makes me warm, but I'm also not allowed to drink it because the Captain says it'll melt my insides.

Which would be pretty cool, because then maybe I could grow acid sacs and start spitting it at people, but the Captain's kind of a buzzkill.

Your captain seems to look out for you at least. Mind if I ask what enables you to eat all these things?

Oh, it's 'cause I'm a varimorph! We can adapt to stuff and change our bodies however we see fit, which I basically used to become the most baddest-ass-badass magic caster ever!

[ And here she puts the smartphone down on the ground, then looms over it with all six eyes looking into the camera. ]

...and also to eats lots of stuff without worrying.

Fair enough.

And your Captain?

Captain Ghalt? He's a human, far as I know, but he's also really tall and carries this huge hook and double shotguns and Kleese calls him a walking movie poster because he's always super dramatic and inspirational.

[ But, with more eyerolling, she adds: ] He's also one of those "gotta play it safe" types because we're trying to save the universe from a bunch of stupid star-eating egg-suckers and their dorklord leader.

That sounds fascinating. [No, but really, he's quite curious.] Is there a book or a couple hundred of these documenting it all?

Oh! Um.

[ Man, who even uses books any more?????? ]

I think all the info is documented in Nova's memory, but she's back over in the Solus System and weeeeee're.... not.

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