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A. Text
Went to the Dream Docks. I'm not sure I really should have. It doesn't really matter here anyway. I'm back.

Johnny I left you a post-it on your office door so I'm not fired for not showing up for work.

B. Action, CW: Alcohol
[ Emerald doesn't really.. drink. She spent enough time on the streets to know that's one of the many ways you stay there and never escape. And then between Mercury and his father's story.. she has plenty of reason not to really touch the stuff, even if she's frequented bars before. It's more lucrative to stick around and steal wallets from people whose faculties aren't about them enough to even bother needing to use her semblance.

And yet, here she was, sitting at the bar nursing a glass of whiskey. She'd ordered it, but she hadn't exactly touched it yet. Part of her knew it wasn't a good idea, but part of her had no idea how to deal with problem after problem. And with more memories from home adding onto everything she'd spoken about with Cassian still feeling raw and fresh (she didn't process feelings, ever if she could help it, talking about them with someone who understood on some level wasn't something she knew how to deal with). Where things had gone with Cinder, what Mercury here thought about Cinder..

All it did was leave a pit in her stomach, and she wasn't sure what else to do. If it's just once, it shouldn't be too bad, right? And she won't get shit-faced, and if she smells weird at all she can just.. squat in a vacant hotel room or something so Mercury doesn't have to deal with this while he's trying to stay away from it. ]

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[ She shrugs. ]

I should be working too, but I think it says something that the one person you chose to sit next to is the one person you can't do your work on.

[ Or, he can, but it won't get him anywhere. She'll tell him what she wants to, when she wants to. And right now, anything useful to him that she has to say is something she's not bothering with. Later, once she gets this out of her system, perhaps she'll come to him. Getting others to do her bidding is what she's best at, after all. Even if her bidding is usually on someone else's behalf. ]

I mean, you can. You just have to convince yourself to have a different attitude about it. Laugh a little, Cassian. Make it fun. If the person had it coming, it's not that hard.

[ It sounds like she's managed to convince herself of that pretty easily. It wasn't that long ago that she was horrified to see Mercury standing over a corpse, but she's adapted. Probably in the worst possible way, but that's what happens when the people around you smile when they call something horrendous and laugh- you learn to laugh with them or you get put in your place. Then eventually it becomes normal, and it's hard to contain a laugh when your partner starts joking with you about your murder victims. ]

[ It's true, if he were serious about working tonight he would have excused himself as soon as he realized who she is and gone for easier prey. Instead, he'd been all too happy to put personal indulgences first just this once. Maybe this place is getting to him. It would have been a non-issue back home.

When Emerald speaks of laughing about killing he wishes he had. Of course he's known that she is a killer, she has told him so, but this... It still feels like a slap in the face. Even more so now. It cuts far too deep, leaves him too horrified - and deep down, he knows it's not so much horrified of what she's capable of, but horrified that he fears he could be capable of the same. After all, they are so alike in every other way...

He flinches away from her, not even feeling the strength or inclination to muster the spy's self-control. ]

I could laugh. [ His voice is cold, sharp and clipped, and edged with the same scathing judgement she'd called him out for before. But this time he's certain he's in the right. ] I've laughed before when people die. But that's all part of the game. The people I laugh with end up dead, too.

[ Despite rearing back at first, he leans in again. He clutches the glass with both hands. They're alike. Too alike to just turn away in horror and forget it. This, this is a wound he needs to pick on. ]

You do what you need to do, Emerald. But you never, ever enjoy it. You kill for a cause greater than yourself. You sacrifice pieces of yourself to it. Maybe it takes everything that makes you human. But if you start to enjoy it... that's when it's time to take the pill before you become someone else's mission.

[ And so what, so what if he had lived for the thrill, the danger, the triumph. It hadn't been enjoying it. ]

[ There it was. He didn't even have to know what she could do before he was already starting to realize there was a monster there. ]

If you were that right you wouldn't be sitting here in a bar talking about killing yourself if you're not miserable.

[ She takes another sip of that drink, her eyes trained on his face even as she does. She's watching his movements. The flexing of the muscles in his hand, the cold tone of voice, the clear desire to withdraw from the conversation. There was fear there, but not of her. Huh. She couldn't tell what it was though. She may be able to manipulate peoples' minds, but she can't read them. Talking more would probably make it worse, but at least she'd know if he was going to pull back or if he was going to keep talking to her if she was honest. If she wasn't a few drinks in she certainly would've held more restraint. ]

I was horrified when I first saw Mercury standing over a corpse. I hated him, but Cinder wanted us to be partners. So I adapted. I didn't tell him that the first time I'd killed someone had been with him, I did as I was told, and I fought through it. I made it stop feeling sick, then I let him make it fun. Then I started playing too and now we're the only two people who are screwed up enough to get along with each other, but we can also commit murder at two in the afternoon in an open store on a bright, sunny day and not get caught. That's what she needed from us, someone who can do that and joke about it and not wake up screaming from nightmares in the middle of the night. There's no one to take care of someone who can't get with the program, especially when no one cares about you in the first place, so I might as well enjoy myself. I promised to obey because she promised I'd never go hungry again despite.. me. What's the point if I don't like the person I'm fighting to keep alive?

[ Keep telling yourself that, Emerald. It's a complicated issue she's hoping to convince herself on as much as she's trying to convince Cassian. ]

[ He listens, somehow finds the strength and willpower to actually listen instead of just letting the words wash over him as he does so often when he has to listen to Imperials drone on at him and pretend to agree. Emerald deserves better than that... but so does he, maybe, and it's not a story he wants to hear. And yet, he keeps listening.

When she finally falls silent he empties his glass in one go. It burns on the way down, but the sting clears his mind, it grounds him, leaving him feeling a little bit less shaky. ]

I... [ He averts his eyes again, but just for a moment, till he catches himself. He's better than that. Will be better than that. ] I don't know what to say. There's nothing I can tell you that you'll like hearing.

[ Not that they've ever been prone to exchanging niceties. But she's opening up here, it hurts to get a slap in the face for that. He should know. ]

I follow you on doing what you're told, and on growing numb to the reality of it. But. [ He gulps. ] Letting it become fun can't happen. [ He seeks Emerald's eyes. ] Do you understand me? It can't become easy, let alone enjoying it, or making a game out of it. That's... No. I understand why you became the person you are, but I can't accept it. [ Cassian sighs heavily, he shakes his head with a frustrated scowl. ] You shouldn't like the person you've become. That's the point. Whoever told you that you're entitled to liking yourself sold you a lie. You're not. That we're struggling for survival doesn't entitle us to putting ourselves above others.

Why the hell not?

[ It's not as though she thought herself above anyone, but she certainly didn't think of anyone as worth being raised up beyond her beyond Cinder. ]

Even before this is what I did, who I was, I didn't get that luxury. Everyone is always so stupidly happy, why the hell am I not allowed to be? I wasn't before I became this and no one did anything about it! When I tried to, I was still the monster because that's how I was born. What does entitle you to be above others? Being born into a family that wants you? Having money? Having a roof over your head? I went most of my life without being this and I was worse off then than I am now.

[ She looks at him angrily, her fingers clenched on the bar counter. It's not him she's angry at though. He can say what he wants, but she just is tired of being told that no, she's not allowed to be happy, or even just somewhat comfortable whether she's a good person or a bad person. ]

At what point am I supposed to feel good about myself because it sure wasn't when I was a "good" person. [ She unclenches her fists and brings her hands up to push her hair back. ] So, you know, you can stay up on your moral high horse. I don't care.

No. You can't make it that easy for yourself. [ He shakes his head, his jaw taut with the frustration brimming within him. ] You're not ever entitled to be happy or like yourself or feel good about yourself. Comfort is not something you can expect from life. Maybe you'll be able to sneak moments here and there, but that's the best you can ever hope for. Life is a struggle. It was never meant to be anything else.

[ Cassian picks up his glass again, though it is empty. He just needs something to fiddle with. This conversation is hitting far too many buttons, bringing up things he prefers not to think about at all.]

I'll keep my moral high horse, and I won't be having fun, but at least I know I'm still fighting against the monster. You've given up. That's beneath you.

That sounds an awful lot like the bedtime stories you tell yourself to convince you you're not one of the monsters too.

[ No one ever blames the happy people for being happy. They're told they're normal, the people who need to be protected, and even if it's never said it seems to be implied that the ones who are already miserable should be miserable so the rest of them don't have to be. Perhaps misery doesn't love company because it's cruel or it wants to share, but because everyone it's ever known has shunned it and driven it deeper where it exists.

Emerald takes another drink. ]

If you really believed that, why would your cause be that important to you? If you don't think life can improve, what are you fighting for?

[ But there's where she has misunderstood him, if he gets the chance he will eagerly explain her that he doesn't think anybody deserves to be happy just like that, and doesn't believe anybody should be protected. There is enough misery to go around for everyone. It's all for a good cause.

Now, he just gives her a grim look. ] No. I know I'm one of the monsters. I have good reasons for the things I do, they are necessary, they are the lesser evil... But I'm no less guilty of them. Somebody has to do it. There's a whole galaxy of people out there who don't do anything, they just live complacent lives and tell themselves that as long as they aren't targeted it's none of their concern. I don't think that way. I can't. But every war needs people who do the dirty work.

[ He lets his gaze stray far away, and his thoughts are further yet. Scarif. Yavin 4. Alderaan, which Captain Solo told him would be destroyed before they could take out the Death Star.]

Life will improve. Once the war is won. People will live better lives then. There's always hope for the galaxy. I just... never counted on living long enough to see that. [ He gives a tiny shrug. ] And I didn't.

[ Emerald leans back in the stool, even going so far as to take the front two legs off of the ground as she does, though holding onto the bar's edge for balance. She's not that coordinated to manage without with as much whiskey as she's had, but at least she's not so gone that she doesn't know that. ]

I'm fairly certain my boss's boss just wants to plunge the world into darkness and watch everyone suffer and die or maybe get consumed by Grimm, I'm not sure what the exact goal here is. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, I think all those complacent people you were talking about should suffer. They should feel that misery and they should know what it feels like to be at the bottom because that's how they make the people they step on feel. On the other hand-

[ She slams the front two legs of the chair back down and flags the bartender for another. She doesn't plan on stopping until she can't see straight, honestly. ]

I seemed to be the only one who was having trouble stomaching watching families climb to the rooftops with crying and screaming children and Beowolves on their backs, ready to devour them in front of their parents. It's hard to buy your story that life will improve once the war is won if that's the kind of war I helped start. If we win, that's reality. If we lose, I'll probably never see the light of day again if they don't decide to kill me over a stupid robot. If I hadn't acted, I would probably have starved by now and just been some corpse in an alley with rats eating my eyeballs out. You're telling me with no options, I shouldn't ever let myself have fun. Why would anyone do that for a bunch of strangers and people I know I hate? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

[ She doesn't know how to be anything but selfish. No one's ever really cared for her, which is part of why realizing Mercury actually gives a damn is unnerving. Putting others before herself except for the one person who showed her mercy is not first, second, or even third nature to her. ]

See, your whole point hinges on the idea that I care about what happens to anyone else in this world because that's your reason for moving forward. [ She shakes her head, then lays it down next to the glass the bartender sets in front of her, eyes looking at the amber liquid and the vaguely reflection of the red of her eyes. If she didn't look so conflicted, they'd look threatening. Most people didn't associate red with positivity. She blinks, her voice lowering a little. ] You're just like Mercury, telling me to forget the only things that make me happy. He wants me to forget Cinder, you want me to forget having fun because it makes you sick. There's nothing left after that, then, now, ever.

[ She lifts up her hand like she's waving a pennant flag. ] Congrats on dying for your cause and still ending up here with a second chance and still not having a sense of fun.

[ Everything she says sounds perfectly depressing and yet makes a terrible amount of sense, when you look at it from a certain perspective... It leaves Cassian at a loss, and just as unhappy as he is frustrated at having to admit to his defeat. But there'll be no easy convincing her, and he knows for sure that he can never come around to her point of view. ]

So...

[ He sighs, there's been a lot of unhappy sighing here. He picks up the new glass the bartender has placed in front of Emerald and takes a large gulp. ]

I'm not here to have fun. I... don't know why I'm here. But I know I'm never going to be chasing fun.. Especially not that kind of fun. If you're waiting for me to change my mind you'll be waiting forever. [ Cassian watches Emerald from the corner of his eyes, pensive now, almost calm after all that rebellious fire he had had the strength for earlier. ] But I don't even know where to start when you think the problem is that you're making me sick. You can't even see that you should be making yourself sick. [ He takes another sip. ] But it does make you sick, doesn't it? You said so yourself. It used to bother you. And you can keep telling yourself that you don't care anymore, but it's not that easy. Killing's never easy unless you've killed yourself already.

[ And she's all but shouting at him that she has done that already, all the evidence points towards it. But he doesn't want to believe it. That would be one defeat too many. ]

I'm not waiting for you, I'm just sitting next to you and getting lectured for not wearing a habit while slashing throats.

[ Metaphorically speaking. There's way too much blood when you do that, it'd be a pain in the ass to clean up. He can take a big gulp all he wants but she's reaching out to snatch it back. She's supposed to be the thief here isn't she? Whether she gets it back or not, she's going to seem to just get frustrated enough that she just starts rambling. Her teeth are gritted as she does and she nearly loses her balance once when she tries to gesture along with her words. ]

I don't need to be taught what's right and wrong. I don't care and no matter how long you wait that's not going to change either because I don't want to care. I want to not care, I want to figure out how to live here and how to function here, I want to figure out how the hell to be my own person without losing the one person who's ever actually given a damn about me, I want this all to stop but I don't want to stop because I'm not good for anything else, and I really just hate everything about this place and home and everything so I don't see the point in doing any of what I want. Those times when we're joking about things like that are the only times I don't just feel angry [ or scared, but he doesn't need to know that. she barely admits that to herself. ] so I'm not going to give them up. I don't want to.

[ Even if she tried to get the drink back earlier she's just going to put her head back down on the bar now, shoulders slumped. She's even considered just breaking the law openly so Mercury will have to arrest her and she can just stay in Nova City prison so he can hang out with her but she won't be so dependent on him because she knows even if he doesn't remember, he said it. It'd take away that problem and she'd still get to see her partner and she'd be somewhere that no one would care if someone got hurt, because it's expected, but at least they would be people just as bad as she is. She wouldn't be able to ruin Mercury's life, she'd have food and water and wouldn't have to find a way to move forward. It's more about survival than thriving, but she's never known anything else. The problem is that she's also sure Schnee will try to transfer her to Genessia City since they know what she can do. It was a stupid mistake to try to help them at least get answers back then, a lapse of judgment to try to make up for it that resulted in them knowing she was the reason most of that was able to happen, and now she has no doubt that they'll try to put her somewhere she can't escape. The one person she's really scared of here can do what she can and so much more without having to deal with the associated pain and she has trust issues without dealing with that. He's the one she's sure she'd get sent to, which means doing the 'right thing' isn't an option. ]

You're better off giving up.

Or maybe you need new things to joke about. [It sounds so curt and simple when he says it like that. He may have lost the energy for righteous anger, Emerald's raw desperation is sucking that out of him, but he can still manage some callousness bordering on small, petty cruelty. It'll have to be enough to cut deep.

Why can't she see? He doesn't expect it to be easy, he's almost kind of accepted that this is an uphill battle, but there's a part of him that still wants to shake her and scream at her till she sees. He's never been so good at being patient with people once he started to care. He's never been good at doing things halfway, neither in war nor in friendship. It's why he's mostly just chosen not to let people get close at all. ]

Maybe you need to... [ Cassian looks down at her, such a sight of pure defeat slumped on the counter. His heart feels a twinge. But he doesn't coddle. He can't do that, it's never kept anyone alive. ] You care already. You've got at least one person in this place you care too much for already. And now it's hurting you because you still believe you can have it both ways. But that doesn't work. You say you want to fit into his new life and not be left behind, but you're not willing to make sacrifices. You think you can cut away pieces of yourself without having to bleed?

[ He takes another sip. All of this is cutting far too deep, being reminded of all the pieces he had to cut away to go from an anarchist streetfighter to a perfect weapon of the Rebel Alliance. But this is war, and they all bear their scars. ] If you're worried you won't be a killer anymore, don't worry about that. There's no coming back from what we have done. [ He falls silent for a moment.] Maybe you aren't good for anything else. Maybe neither of us is. But if we're going to do monstrous things anyway, we can at least choose if we want to be monsters ourselves.

[ She listens to him, staying quiet. She's the one who doesn't bleed. The only blood on her clothes has always only ever belonged to someone else, and she doesn't want to change that. But more than that, actually caring about Mercury was something she never expected. It's the only part of her left she even believes could be human still, at least the only part of her that she hasn't been actively trying to destroy for her own benefit. What is she even supposed to cut away at? Part of the problem is that she doesn't even believe there's anything left but that bitter, caustic murderer. Any part of her that's every acted happy has been an act- one she's very good at- except when joking around with Mercury, and even then that usually ends with him eventually putting her back into a sour mood. ]

I can make anyone do anything I want them to, except myself. Is that it? [ She sits up and lets out a laugh. It's bitter, though. Definitely not any hint of mirth, but it's got an eerie sense of truthfulness despite that that's a dangerous statement for anyone to be telling the truth about. ] I should just bring Mercury down. If I can keep him from realizing it was me, I'll be the only one he has left.

[ She's not sure if she's testing if Cassian is going to yell at her for that or just believe she really is a monster, finally. She's already thought about it. He'd kill her and she'd lose him anyway if he found out, and she's not deluded enough to think she's worth forgiving even if death isn't as big of a deal as it is in a world where you stay dead. It's a selfish way of thinking, and part of her doesn't want to do that to him anyway. She knows what kind of hell he's been through, the last thing he needs is another person he considers family trying to destroy him again. But she doesn't share that, because that would mean telling Cassian he's right, and for all he's been saying, there's still no direction to go after deciding not to go down her previous one. That's a nightmare she doesn't want to imagine. ]

Edited 2017-05-07 00:37 (UTC)

[ Even after everything she's said, that still comes as a surprise. He puts down the glass with deliberate slowness, and regards her intensely, his eyes guarded now, face schooled into that kind of politely bored you wear when careful neutrality would give away how much of effort it costs you to give away nothing.

It's a challenge, most likely, he assumes that much, but that's not to say that it isn't the truth. The truth does make the most devastating weapon. He should know, the deadlier part of his job are the truths. ]

You could do that. I don't doubt you have the skill, and with some time you'll have the means. [ He studies a stain on the counter, rubs at it with the pad of his thumb. This feels a lot like when he's recruiting people now. Talking to someone whose morals might not align with his own, who might appall him, and try to figure them out. Figure out if they're worth his time and effort and the trust he has to put in them, or sometimes just if they're desperate enough to go for it anyway. ] You could do it. He won't know. But you will. And that's enough.

[ If she's anything like him, anything at all, then she would be cut more deeply by her self-hate than by the hate of others. And Cassian still wants to believe she is like him. She doesn't shy away from his ugliness, but if she's truly the monster she tries to be... Then he'll be the one who ends up cutting away more of himself, to cut off this budding bond with her. After all he knows better than to permit himself to be compromised. ]

You can make yourself do the things that need to be done, Emerald. You'd be surprised what people are capable of when they have no choice. But if you're still only thinking about dragging others down along with you instead of worrying about pulling yourself up... then maybe you haven't fallen far enough yet.

[ She doesn't really argue with him about that. That's the whole reason she hasn't yet. Because she'll know, and she doesn't want to do that to the one person who actually seems to like her. Because despite what Cassian's saying that she doesn't deserve to be happy, he's the one thing that can make her laugh genuinely, even if most of the time he's a headache and a half. That's not something she wants to ruin. ]

The only thing down from where I've been is dying. You can be captain of the dead people brigade, I'll pass.

[ But she still doesn't argue that that's enough. The fact that she hasn't done it yet despite that it'd be the easy choice is proof of that. ]

There is no up. I was fine just sleeping on the couch and being bored and doing stupid crap and staying out of the way then he just.. [ She isn't going to say what made him change. That isn't Cassian's business, that's no one's business but theirs. ] If I wanted to do the right thing I'd just leave.

Maybe. [ He keeps his tone of voice biting, though it's hard to cling to the sharpness when he wants to feel empathy. But would that be seen as anything but pity? If their roles were reversed, he wouldn't want it. ] I don't know the two of you well enough to say if you would be doing him a favor by leaving. Maybe you would. But if you haven't left yet, then I don't think you will.

[ And he doesn't think she will destroy Mercury, either. Maybe if she's driven to her genuine breaking point, but otherwise he doesn't want to believe she would. ]

So... Why don't you try making things better for yourself instead of fantasizing about how you can make things worse for him? Seriously. You could try. You don't have to be a hero. You don't even have to care for real about people. Just... [ He waves a hand around vaguely. He's just bullshitting here, it's not like he has any actual insights to share about shaping up and improving your life. The only thing he figured out was how to die for your sins. ]

[ He's right. She's definitely too selfish to actually leave, just like she isn't horrible enough to actually destroy the one person she genuinely likes at least 50% of the time. But once again, admitting Cassian is right is something she doesn't want to do. One of these days he'll probably figure out that when she focuses away from his words it usually means he's right. So she'll just do what's easy to her- dismissive anger. ]

Great advice. [ She sits up properly and imitates his vague hand waving. ] I'll get right on that.

[ He matches anger with anger, not willing to let himself get pushed into the defensive. He looks square into her eyes, clear challenge shining in his own. ] Well. Then. Why don't you do that. [ There's a hint of scorn to his voice and gaze, an undertone that he doesn't think she has what it takes, or doesn't have the courage for it.

If he truly thought so he wouldn't be here anymore, but sometimes you have to throw a gauntlet.]

Because [ Another wave of her hand, much more like a lazy flapping this time ] means nothing to anyone with half a brain, drunk or not.

[ And then she sticks her tongue out at him. Negotiations are breaking down here. ]

[ Where his scorn had been mere challenge before, it's genuine now at such childish antics. He shakes his head curtly. ]

If that's all you've got for me now... Call me when you're back to being an adult.

I'm drinking so much tonight it probably won't be any time in the next 24 hours. [ She waves at him, ordering another drink. ]

Or ever. We'll see.

[ He slips from his chair, giving her another disapproving look. A better man would stay and make sure she makes it home safely, but... That'd take a better man than him. Or one who isn't quite so tired of their verbal battle. ]

Then I wish you a good night, and good luck drinking away all the second thoughts I gave you.

[ That's how she's hoping it works. She doesn't want to go home tonight, so she'd probably argue with him even if he were that better man. Emerald just keeps waving at him until he's finally out the door. She's going to probably get herself into some trouble tonight. ]

Bye Cassian.

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