genessia | When the Doctor plays the blues

Entry tags:

When the Doctor plays the blues

Who: The (12th) Doctor and anyone
What: A little bit of blues, okay a lot of blues, and maybe occasionally what's new Pussycat until people throw things at him.
When: August 7th-11th
Where: Genessia mainly, but also in Nova City and the Everglades
Why?: Why not?
Warnings: None yet

It's partly his "job" but partly his pleasure as very few of the pubs, bars, arcades, nightclubs, funeral parlors, or other please specify have specifically requested a musician. But he is there anyway, sitting on whatever counts as a stage, playing the blues on his electric guitar for hours and hours. Some familiar songs, some completely unfamiliar except for a very specific person and perhaps his wife. He will also take requests provided someone is earnest enough in asking about it.

Otherwise, during breaks, boredom or otherwise booted off the stage, he can be found either at the bar, drinking an impressive amount of a variety of drinks, or, in the arcade, playing hours and hours of Mrs. Pacman without even seeming to try.

Feel free to come engage him.

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She wants to lom on his ear.

Except he hates that.

Jack loves it. So clearly, she should nibble Jack's ears and leave the Doctor's alone.

Rose Tyler is a mess.

If the Doctor were to scan her, he could tell that.

Then again, he could probably tell without scanning.

"Still don't take requests?"

He had the general idea about that, yes. He is also somewhat of a mes, though not as much of a mess as he used to be capable of being. In any case, he's glad there's a guitar between them and a bit of a raised platform. Not that that would even slow her down if she decided to go on the attack.

"For you? Always." That was true enough. "Whatcha got?"

"Moon River!" Hahahahaha. Joke's on him, she's evil.

Evil.

There is no one more evil than Rose Tyler. No one. Not even Davros. Because Davros just thought he had to win the war by any means necessary. Rose already know she's won the war, and just wants to fuck it all up anyway. Evil.

He raises an eyebrow at her but plays gently. He wonders why. It's possible she's met River already. Well, as he told her, there's not much room to avoid her. They would all be pulled together by the nature of their contacts.

He sort of likes this song in any case. It reminds him of himself in a lot of ways and the people he's had with him and those he's lost. In an odd way it mostly reminds him of Amy right now. Even if she's here.

He probably shouldn't comment on it in either case, but being himself he has to tickle the sleeping dragon.

"Any particular reason why?"

She sways and sings along, half mouthing the words, half singing it for real. Front row every time, biggest fan.

Rose shakes her head and laughs, "You know why." She knows he knows. At least she's pretty sure he does, unless he overthinks it, but even then.

"You did a good job making it sound Elvis-y. Like the King," she struck an Elvis pose.

He thinks he knows why but the why of knowing doesn't really matter. He smiles and plays another song he knows she knows.

"He might have taught me a bit. Smart man that. Gone before his time."

Rose laughs instantly, recognizing the song, and sticks her tongue out at him, dancing along anyway.

"You know we never did make it to see him in New York."

"Well with a face like yours and a stage presence like that, I'd've never stood a chance." Which was a lie of course. Mostly. More or less. He watches her dance, glad she seems to be honestly enjoying herself.

"So how've you been?"

There's another laugh and Rose made a face. Did he know????

"UM."

She was red enough to make her hoodies seem pale. "Jack and your younger self got laid twice."

GLANCING AWAY.

"I might'a done too."

"Maybe."

She waved a hand, "But that's boring. High school drama stuff. What about you? Still bored here?"

His eyebrows raise even further. Good for them, he supposes. He didn't think it would happen that quick, but...

"I was wondering why you were glowing." In a metaphorical sense he means. He actually hadn't noticed but if he can't tease her and make her blush, what is the point of being here?

"I'm fine." And he was. More or less. As fine as he could be. Glad to be well out of the whole mess. Or mostly out of it. Just there for a shoulder to cry on or work through issues. He was good at that. No he was terrible at it but he could pretend he was good and no one would know the difference.

That song ended he moves absently to something else.

"I am not!" Flustered all over and flailing slightly.

"You're never fine," she rolled her eyes stubbornly and folded her arms since he often said he was always fine.

She swayed along with the music again, not sure why he chose that one, but not about to fight it either.

"I could see you from space, Rose Tyler. You're radiant." He grins, tilting his head. "Course I don't know how good Jack was but considering the practice I imagine he's a bit of an old hand. As for myself." He grins a bit wider, pushing down his glasses to look at her up and down saucily. "I can get a good idea."

"I AM NOT!!!" which is absolutely making it worse and she probably is visible from space now just for being so red.

And she just buries her face in both hands.

"ACTUALLY seeing as he's younger than you, I think I'd rather see about this model..."

Did she say that out loud?

NEVER MIND. STAYING BURIED IN HANDS. AND TRYING TO REMEMBER THAT RIVER SONG USES GUNS. And he lets her!! AND IS SCARY.

He smiles faintly and puts his guitar on the stand to come down and wrap her in a hug so at least she can hide without seeming to.

"This model is only a little impressive. Nothing to write home about...unless you have quite a lot of paper." He was teasing though, trying to make her laugh. "I'm sorry. It's just red looks good on you."

Oh no!

It's so sweet and cute.

How is he just so....

Easy to be herself around?! Like Jack. Only even more. And knows her inside out well, maybe less literally than Jack now.

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Rose just hugs her Doctor. "I could get a lot of paper," she beamed up at him, but hid in him anyway. "Except ahhhhh... You're the problem really. Not... you-you, but the Doctor-you. I don't want some big... I don't know." Her voice dropped to a whisper, the blush even worse, "TARDIS orgy..." Mentally she flailed, and physically: she stuck her hands in his pockets and huffed. "And I knew your wife would come anyway, and you should I dunno... stuff... but..." Rose whined. "I hate complicated. That's why I wanted to just be us. Rose and the Doctor. And Rose and Jack. It's like too much maths like this."

She did love him though.

Still.

Forever and always.

Edited 2017-08-12 05:29 (UTC)

He shouldn't have to do anything. She is far too concerned with should and shouldn't and social roles in this kind of thing. He doesn't blame her for it...but this isn't the best place to talk about it either.

"Hold on." He pulls back, kissing her on the forehead. "Wait here for a second." He squeezes her upper arms warmly before turning back to the platform and retrieving his guitar, settling it around his back. Then he empties his tip jar and grabs two frosty hard lemonades, one he presses into Rose's hand before taking her other hand in his, lacing their fingers together and going out into the night.

"I don't recognize any of these stars. Not a single one." He grins. "A bit exciting, isn't it?"

"Yeah!" Rose beamed ear to ear, genuinely enthusiastic about it, and sipping one. Although it reminded her of serious things too. "So... you're okay with that, though? Not knowing the universe as much?" The stars would mostly still be the same in Pete's Universe, of course, but the whole of human history was different. And she worried about his MetaCrisis having to relearn it all.

Edited 2017-08-13 13:28 (UTC)

"Not knowing something is never a problem for me." Until it is. But right now it's not. "Just means more to learn." He sips at his hard lemonade which to him is no more than anything else really. Barely even a tingle.

"So what bothers you? About..." he makes a circling gesture and then, deciding it might be easier to cut straight to the point: "Why do you have a problem with everyone sleeping with everyone else? It's a human tradition you know. Going way back. All the way. Could be said that it's what made the human race what it is today. Which might not be great encouragement I realize, but you seem to do alright for yourselves."

"Good." Rose relaxed slightly... until he asked the rest.

Then she just sat down, handed him the lemonade and buried her head in her hands between her legs.

And groaned.

You mean aside from me not wanting to be as unevolved or over-evolved or hyper sexualized as Jack and--

She didn't say it.

Although if he was paying superficial psychic surface attention, her legs were touching his and he was a touch telepath and Jack showed her how to let down her shields enough.

Which.

Was.

ANOTHER THING.

She felt slightly dizzy and maybe even queasy.

Of course he acted like it was nothing.

Until this version she would have almost sworn he was asexual.

And what about Meta Crisis?

REALLY?

REALLY THOUGH.

She could actually almost respect him leaving a human version of himself if the regular him was so... not... into that sort of thing.

Only he was.

And she was vaguely offended over it.

Free love and--

No no no no no no.

She didn't know where to begin.

She sat up, kicked her legs carefully into his lap, making sure not to hit the lemonades and sprawled out in the opposite direction away from him, hair dangling down from the bench.

"You know the only times me, Shareen, and Keisha ever fought were over blokes? Keisha even made it out that she slept with Mickey that year I was missing, because she was mad at me for leaving her without a word. I spent the last years traveling without you not even kissing other blokes. I just... I didn't want to, get it?" She growled and groaned in frustration, draping an arm over her eyes.

"It's fine for you, innit? You and Jack." A slightly feral half-grin, half-snarl. "You can get married and see me being here at the same time as you as a missed chance. A once-not-in-actual-lifetime-opportunity."

Rose scrubbed her face with one fist furiously.

"It's not that I want stability," she rolled her eyes, though they were still blocked off from the Doctor by her arm. "Your past actually called Jack that. Has he even met Jack?! Though I guess it was different since it was before he went and shagged him..."

She lightly pounded a fist to her forehead.

Finally, she sat up and grabbed the older Doctor in two handfuls of what would have been jacket lapels, but just wound up as... velvet??? Whatever. "I hate dividing myself." She gave a feral snarl, all Bad Wolf Snarling, just as he'd said. "The only way I could keep going was because I threw myself in so deeply I didn't have to ask myself questions or doubt it or think twice. I hate that here, that's all I get to do so far. I will never be able to give anyone my best so long as I know they're not what I want most of."

She fixed him with a serious glare, brown eyes practically boring into the piercing sky blue. "Jack and your younger self gave me their real names. Probably each other too. I can handle that. I can't handle your wife," another growl, "Wanting to be friends with Martha while you and Jack and I all know she winds up with Mickey, my Mickey, mind! Or even just that he--" one hand tightened to a fist as the other dropped from the shirt entirely, "Your past loves Jack what, as much as me? As much as Martha?"

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "No no no no no. No. No way."

The other hand dropped and Rose looked quietly crushed for a moment. "Triumvirate of guilt, isn't it? But when I try to see myself out, he's as bad as all the time he tried to find a crack and couldn't force a way through. I know it sounds stupid and fairy tale, and I'm not looking for a happy ever after, I hate endings, yeah? I just..."

Her eyes watered, bottom lip trembled, and she sucked it into a bite, looking away fiercely. Her voice was quiet but steady. "I like what my Mum and Pete have. I like what Rory and Amy have. I would rather be alone," she glared at him, "Than stuck in the mess you and River call a marriage. I'm sorry, but that's the god damn truth."

She roughly rubbed the back of her fist under her eyes and over the side of her mouth.

"Oh that mythical thing." He held her legs on his lap, letting her pull and drag him as she must. She'd gotten so hard, viscous. All teeth and edges but also monstrous compassion, he knew that too. That had never left her. If she didn't care, it wouldn't be so hard.

"First of all you don't know what Amy and Rory are like." It was a complicated relationship for all its simplicity but mostly because he was in it, the indefinite third wheel, screwing with the course of their lives.

"And second of all, he's not your Mickey. He's his own Mickey and doesn't need your protection nor possession. You hold onto things that are yours tight enough. Me, Jack, Mickey. Can't let go but hate to hold on."

"Thirdly, it is a mess of a marriage but all marriages are messes. I've had enough of them to know, but have never hung around enough to be a proper husband in any of them. Sometimes it's comfort. Sometimes its sex. Sometimes it's political maneuvering of someone else or accident, happy or otherwise, or a mangled mess of the six."

He could tell her how it came about and why and wherefore but it was none of her business frankly and too complicated to begin with.

"Ultimately, you're the one who has to make the decision. But it isn't fair to anyone if you can't seem to decide. To hold back or go all out. And then say you don't want it. It's not easy to know what you want, granted, and whatever you choose is fine by me-- but you won't find what you're looking for in the TARDiS." Not with himself, definitely not with Jack, but she wouldn't ask him to change his nature.

He shook his head and leaned back.

"This is who we are. This is the nature of our universe." And it wasn't enough for her, of course, that she held such a big place in his life. That she was such an anchor. More than so many others. Maybe one day she would understand that-- maybe she wouldn't. But right now she was a young star, full of violence and surging pain, building herself to fight back against a seemingly uncaring universe.

He hoped the part of her that loved wouldn't burn out. Not just compassion but the part of her that wanted that spark for her very own. He hoped she found it. He hoped she found herself happy and content.

Still...

"How low an opinion you must have of us if you think we consider you a convenience." He murmured this. He didn't believe she did have a low opinion. But he wanted to bring it out. Because of how it sounded. Because of whats he meant. Trying to reflect her own creeping bitterness back at her.

She growled at him, half tempted to grab him by the ears, and snark some more.

No he's mine! He was mine before we were even in school! He was mine when we played on the playground, and he was the only one other than my Mum I came back from Jimmy for!

She opened her teeth to snap at him, but for all her eyes flashes, he was right. She held on too tightly. Jack, the Doctor, Mickey. Hate to hold on, but couldn't let go. There was a lump in throat over that. She deserved it, she knew. She really couldn't let go. Couldn't let any of him die. Couldn't even let Mickey settle with her because she wasn't really what he wanted.

Wasn't really what he wanted.

Wasn't that the real problem?

She knew the Doctor wanted her.

Knew it.

But she also knew so long as he kept hating himself more than he loved her, she'd break him in half. Or worse. How many times did she have to watch him die? Getting shot by the Dalek just because he was so eager to see her again, he was oblivious to everything else? Was that a one-time thing?

She hated holding on. Stopping her life for him. And yet for all she wanted him to move on, she wasn't about to just pretend he could do it in front of her and she wouldn't be what?

Jealous?

Possessive?

Angry?

Competitive.

It wasn't enough for her to be the best, oh no.

She needed him to admit it too. Pathetic. She actually envied River Song. Happy with others.

But she'd never been happy with everyone other than the Doctor. Not the 19 years before she met him, and certainly not any of the years since.

She wasn't codepended. She was just alive with him. And without him, it was all grey and boring and pointless again! She felt like a ghost! Trapped in a non-life! A life where no one saw her, no one knew her, and of course she hated it!

Well.

So what?!

SINCE WHEN DID HE LET GO OF ANYONE EITHER? SINCE WHEN DID HE ACTUALLY TRULY ENJOY LIFE WITHOUT HER THERE SPARKING HIM BACK TO EXCITEMENT?

Oh no, he could only let go of everyone else, long enough to die! The ultimate "fuck you" to everyone who loved him, wasn't that right?

COMPLETELY PROVING HER BLOODY POINT!

When he started talking about marriages... More than one!!! Rose got up from the bench in frustration, growling to herself, grinding teeth, and pacing back and forth, but still listening. No matter how frustrated she was, she'd always listen to him. He could be saying nothing at all, he could be babbling, or speaking languages the TARDIS would translate, and still, she'd keep right on listening. Gods, she hated herself for it sometimes. What was she? His fucking puppy? A sycophantic following puppy. Seriously, though.

Before his last statement, she spun around whirlwind fast, as if to punch his shoulder hard enough to break it. Had she followed all the way through? It might have. But she stopped short, of course, just letting him feel the wind and energy graze his cheek, stop short of his shoulder.

"I have ALWAYS known what I wanted, Doctor! That has NEVER been in doubt with me! You might not know a DAMN thing about what you want," her contempt was beyond palpable, it was the driving force that was making her so livid these days, ever since an hour before before she even arrived, "But I have NEVER had a doubt! NOT ONCE!"

At the final comment, she turned her back to him, barely looking over her shoulder enough to sneer. "How stupid are you to forget what I already know."

She tossed her hair, fixed her shoulders and slowly set her posture, more calm, chin up, deep breath in, and slowly out, before giving him an ice cold frozen star look. The kind that should burn with all the intensity of absorbing a sun's soul, but instead was so distant, so dwarfed, even the light from it felt cold instead. "You can never do better than me."

And if he didn't stop her, she was going to start walking away.

So it went. Again. He was tired of that phrase really. Oh he was glad she had confidence and everything but saying: 'you could never do better' or 'I'm the best' or 'There can be only one'... No wait the last one was something else. The point was that it was irritating. Yes, she was pretty bloody amazing, and didn't have to keep reminding him every ten seconds as if also reminding herself.

The distant star look was impressive, he had to admit. It left him chilled inside and he was glad she'd never use it on Twiggy or he'd probably keel over and die from the shock of it and then well they would have fez and bowtie again and at least Amy would be more pleased to see her raggedy man though Rose would likely lose her snogging partner for a while.

He follows along behind her, sliding the guitar to his front and begins to play.

"So your solution is, what? Have endless arguments where you walk away and resolve nothing until then next time something breaks down? If that's what you want that's fine with me but it's going to be more stressful for you and everyone else in the long run."

She grinned softly at his choice.

Hell, give her a little bit to cool down and she'd actually sing along.

"Just like every cowboy, sings a sad sad song,"

She pushed her hair back with one hand, sat on the ground, and pulled him to sit down next to her.

"You really don't get it, do you?"

She sighed softly.

She didn't want to fight anymore. But he didn't want her to walk away either. Probably because he knew better. He knew she wouldn't be happy with that. She wasn't happy without him. And he wasn't as happy as he could be without her either.

So why couldn't he just ADMIT THAT?!

Why did he have to make it so hard?!

Why did he have to act like he could AND DID AND WOULD AND WAS ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE TO REPLACE HER?! Especially when she was so irreplaceable?!

She wanted to just be Rose Tyler and the Doctor again. Hell even just
Rose Tyler, Jack Harkness, the Tie-Doctor, the Guitar-Doctor, Martha Jones, Mickey Smith, Sarah Jane Smith, K-9, Amy Pond, Rory Pond-Williams, River Song...????????

No. Screw that. She started drawing lines at Madame du Pompadour, Cleopatra, and a bajillion wives and lovers, and it was all stupid and messy, and too much maths.

She knew what she wanted.

But ironically? She didn't want to let herself have it, either.

Because no matter what she did, someone would be left out. Someone would be miserable. Someone would be sad.

"Why can't he just..."

What? Love Martha?

Why couldn't she just be in love with Mickey?

Next stupid question?

Why couldn't he just let Rose go?

What, and go back to the misery of before they were together?

Why couldn't both of them just be happy?

Because they cared too much about everyone else.

Rose rolled over, crawled to the Doctor, and quietly cried into his chest, hugging hard.

"Fine," she sniffled, "You're right, I can't let go. I messed Jack up and I just want to make him happy. And god... I really just..."

She laughed, still crying, and drew back enough to rub her eyes with her fists. "I hate that I'm too much like you. Why can't I just run away?! But every time I try, I can't! And I'm scared of your stupid wife, and I hate Cleopatra for existing, and I hate being jealous of just..." She bonked her head against his chest in frustration. "You want to know why I can't be part of some TimeLord TARDIS free-for-all orgy? Because if that's the only way you stop hating yourself, I think I'll have to start doing it for you. Because it's not me. Because I know how prickly I am, how much I need to be the best, that in any situation like that, I'm going to fight until I come out on top, and I don't want to do that. Once I do that, I'll stop being the best. I'll be all my worst sides! And you'll hate yourself for bringing that out in me. And I'm so upset that that's basically how I crushed him, isn't it? He saw how angry and just... this I am, and blamed himself instead of realizing I'm not any happier without you than he was without me."

She wailed in frustration. "And it's so stupid! I can live without you, you know? But what's the point? I had my best friend, I had everything," she sniffled, and rubbed a fist to her eyes again.

"What do I have to do before you tell me to go?!"

It wasn't fair. Was there any amount she could hurt him that he would actually stick up for himself? That he wouldn't take lying down? That he wouldn't just let her? How broken was he? What happened to Doctor-Donna? Best friends traveling forever? A couple dozen years before Amy? And yet he was so broken again when he found Amy, what was even the point? She shouldn't have let him go. She could have... what? Left the MetaCrisis with her Mum? ALONE? IN A NEW UNIVERSE?

Yeah, that was never gonna happen. He could barely handle being human.

"Why did you leave Jack and not me? Why did you keep using me to hurt yourself? FUCK! That's all I AM anymore, isn't it?!"

Nighttime or not, she was probably causing a scene, and she couldn't be arsed to care. "Stay, go, you'll feel guilty either way. Just take all my say RIGHT OUT of it, won't ya? All so I don't have to feel bad about it, but you think I won't?" A bitter manic laugh. "Just try and stop me." A small growl. "I'm stronger than you," she poked his forehead, "Smarter than you," another, "And more stubborn!" a third.

"Just once, just once," she pleaded, clinging to his side, "I wish you'd see yourself as I see you. Not this irresistible, destroyer of worlds, but savior of the Universe that anyone else sees. Only the way only I do." She swallowed quietly, rubbed her eyes again and sulked on the ground in frustration. "Then maybe. Just maybe. You'd get it."

Edited 2017-08-14 05:03 (UTC)

"I'm not using you to hurt myself." It was frustrating. He hated this and hated the tears which were inevitable and the pain which was super inevitable. How could he see himself the way she did? It seemed dangerous and entirely too vulnerable. He could understand potentially but he could never give her what she wanted. Really he should be asking her the same question. Why did she keep hurting herself with him? There were so many others out there.

But he knew the answer. There was only one him. One TARDiS. She loved him and he got that and she knew him and his feelings for her connected back even now if not as strong as they once were but only because they didn't pulse right under the skin and instead were hidden back and deep, a part of him like two hearts, brilliance and the flow of time.

"Trust me I know you'll feel bad about it. Whatever the outcome, someone will fill bad about it. There's nothing I can do in my personal life to fix this. There's nothing I can say. So maybe you'll just have to resign yourself to being miserable. Maybe that's the price of feeling this way about me." Because sometimes it sure does damn well feel that way. Pain was the inevitable outcome of love. That was the way of the universe.

"I want to help you. I want there to be peace. I don't want you to hurt and I want you to be content with you and us and the whole sodding universe but I have a big life. I have so much to do and look after. You're here. With me. Always but that-- that's all I can promise."

"No."

Rose took his guitar off, and moved to pin his wrists in the grass. "No."

She stopped crying and fixed him with a serious stare. "I won't feel bad. I won't be a ghost in the past. I won't go unseen in the shadows of the TARDIS, felt but no one wanting to talk about."

She couldn't say she wouldn't be jealous. She would. She really definitely would. That's just something she'd have to start dealing with.

She couldn't say she could share him. He wasn't hers to share. That was the whole point.

Brown eyes closed softly and she rested her forehead to his, nose brushing nose, so close, even with centuries, a whole milennia between them.

"I won't resign myself to anything ever. Have you met me? When I have ever done that."

She gently rested their foreheads together, applying the hint of psychic pressure, not sure she could do it without the TARDIS to amplify her, but not sure she couldn't either. Couldn't hurt to try.

Just once she wanted him to see her as she saw him.

A man. Not immortal. A funny, silly, best friend, sometimes accidentally sexy -- but only when he wasn't trying too hard, daft, timeless, lonely, incorrigible man. One who helped her be her best.

"I'm not hurting because I'm in love with you." She spoke softly, gently, slowly, and just as slowly and evenly, laced her fingers with his. "I'm hurting because--"

She couldn't say it.

That he hated himself more than he loved her. That it killed her. That she only knew how to fight, and sometimes that meant fighting him because it had nowhere else to go.

She willed the love as much as she could into him. So just for a moment, just for a few seconds at least, he could get it, he could understand. That watching him die over and over she'd do all over again.

But nothing could make her cry as much as his self-loathing and inability to forgive himself.

He wasn't using her to hurt himself? She wasn't sure she could believe that, but let herself open up to seeing herself the way he saw her. To figuring out what the hell was going on in his far-too-many-screws-loose brain.

"Of me," she said finally. "Because otherwise I could hurt everyone worse than Tie-Doctor. And then I'll really break. I said I'm stronger than you, and I still mean it. But it's a double-edged sword. What use is a sword for hugging? It can't heal or feed, just cut. You brought out the best in me, Doctor. But like it or not, I'll always be human. I would never ask you to stop being TimeLord, not even if you wanted to. That's why..." She sighed, rolled over next to him, and left an arm wearily over his chest.

Finally propping herself up on the other elbow, frowned and asked, "Is this it then? I draw lines, you draw lines, neither of us respect the lines, everything ends up scribbled and crossed out, everyone else we love will aways blur those lines out of recognition?"

She shook her head, and eyes hardened on his. "I refuse." Another stubborn headshake and she didn't let go. "I haven't forgive my Mum for tracking me down, even if she did it because she loved me, she belonged with Tony and Pete. I haven't forgiven Micks for helping her, but at least he'll protect Martha and they'll be happy together, according to Jack. I haven't forgive you for tricking me, your MetaCrisis, and not even giving me a chance to say goodbye to Jack," she moved her arm up to put a finger over his lips, "And I know your reasons, and I know we've been over all that, and that's why I'm not forgivin' it. And you know what? Tough."

She was starting to feel a little better again. Fighting for herself, for what she really wanted and not holding back was doing that. Although it was probably going to be a bad habit at this rate. "If anyone wants some big TARDIS orgy, they can do as they please, but I won't be part. And I'm going to know, that you will always feel that vacancy." Her eyes glittered evilly, a feral wolf grin back. "And you know what? So will they. So tough on them. Maybe it's not really what they want either. Everyone wants to be the one to make you happy." Her eyes sparkled. "But I know a secret, Doctor."

She removed the finger from his lips, leaned down nose brushing his again, almost kissing him, "I stole your hearts and I can't give them back. You're right, you know. I can't let go."

"Everyone does and I wish they'd stop. It's a ruddy competition of importance." He dragged a hand through his hair. He wasn't stupid enough to tell her she was a part of it. She was practically the lynchpin unless she could stop sleeping with one or the other and then it wouldn't be an orgy just Twiggy being mopey and occasionally shagging Jack probably while hedging around Martha light a frightened kid afraid to take the leap because oh no emotions and oh no Rose and oh no why couldn't he just love everyone the same and do whatever he wanted and have them understand.

He understood her affection. He got it. Without her trying to press it into his skull. He'd felt the weight of it and had been impressed and the TARDiS behind it faintly because they were so far but he'd felt her too a little. Fortunately his shields were strong enough not to buckle against it. He didn't even know why he didn't want to feel it. What was the point of knowing that deeply she loved him? He already did intellectually and it didn't help. It would only sink in deeper-- but he wouldn't change and it wouldn't solve anything.

"It's going to be a very hard road for you." He reached up and pushed a hand through her hair, tucking it behind her ear. "I won't stop you. Well, for one thing I can't and for another it's not my decision whether or not you should." He rubbed his thumb over the shell of it, tracing the thin peak of cartilage delicately. It could very well be she'd tear things apart. It could very well be she'd bring them together again, too. It was her own path to figure out and the most he could do was not make it harder.

"Good," she growled ferally, and got up without kissing him.

"But you should try to--"

Tch. What was the point?

He should try to love River Song?

Seriously? Why even bother saying it?

She couldn't. Not anymore. Spend time with her there, because it was his only additional chance?

She didn't care anymore!

Why should she bend over backwards to make it easier on him?!

She wouldn't!

SHE REFUSED.

Her eyes glittered darkly on him.

She was still too emotional. Ragey and bitey and fierce and a million kinds of done and fed the fuck up.

Either he could come to her, or be a coward and give her space like she demanded. She'd always love him, always be his friend, but she wasn't going to tear herself up by tearing him up when he was too weak and knew it.

Let him have lesser anything. Because it was easy.

She gave him a dark smirk, like she knew they were both thinking the same thing, and just started walking back to the TARDIS without a word.

She could make her own way, but she was going to give him absolute hell if he wasn't going to be better enough to get out of his own way. She'd already decided that too.

Well what the hell was that?

He got up too, rubbing the grass out of his hair irritably.

"So much for being friends."

He was so sick of this. This bloody tangle that everyone was wrapped up in. This was why he kept everyone at arm's length because if he didn't it imploded and sucked everyone into a black hole of endless crushing bloody despair.

"Sod it."

He picked up his guitar and slung it against his back, then slid on his sonic sunglasses, grateful for the dark before heading to another pub. It wasn't fun, no. There wasn't a whole lot that could classify as that and definitely not here. But it was something.

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When the Doctor plays the blues

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