genessia | Some trouble in paradise

Entry tags:

Some trouble in paradise

Who: Cassian Andor, K-2SO, and a lot of angst
What: Cassian's been moping after his fights with Emerald, Kay is worried, and talking has a 50/50 chance of making it worse
When: Dated to tomorrow, after Kay's network post
Where: SoKaCa house in Attleton
Warnings: Likely mentions of war-related topics and robot sex speculations

[ Ever since that class in Everglade, Cassian's been quiet and a little bit mournful, a mood which only got worse with the days - even though he seemed perfectly enthusiastic about tackling his cooking class, complete with a manic hunt for blood pudding recipes from various worlds and countries.

He knows Kay's been noticing, and he knows that Kay has noticed he has noticed, but... Well, there's still some hope to get around this conversation. There's simply no way to properly explain what has happened without hurting Kay's feelings, and he's already upset enough about the whole vibration function disaster.

He's curled up in bed in the attic bedroom of their house, his forehead pressed against Kay's side, an arm wrapped over the droid's middle. On a normal day, this would be the perfect, blissful ending to the day. Now he's tense, lines around the corners of his mouth and eyes. ]

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[That... is a lot calmer than he'd expected. A lot less snark, too. And then, on second thought, Cassian realizes it's probably for his benefit. Kay's always done things he doesn't want to do for his sake. He exhales slowly and edges close again. Hesitates a moment, and, what the hell. He rests his head on Kay's chest, and wraps his arm around him again.

He's warm to the touch, alive in his own way, and now Cassian feels even more awful for the doubts that have stirred in him.]

I changed... we changed. I want to share with you. [His voice is quiet, a little plaintive now.] I don't care if it's in peace or wartimes. I made my choice. [Took him months, on top of years, but the choice has been made now. But it's made now. Loyalty given, vows made, even if only within his own mind. Doesn't mean he isn't still terrified.] But what if I...

[Kay is trying to address the issue from a logical point of view, that's with discussing your problems with your significant other so you can fix them. He is still annoyed, mind you, he just learned to compartmentalize his anger and reserve it for the right moment. The snuggling helps, and Kay finds himself relaxing even if he hasn't realized that he was tense at all. It's hard to tell with a droid, anyway. An arm sneaks around Cassian's midsection and his chest rumbles softly.]

I'm glad. And...yes, I know. Some people still see this as something unusual. They seem to be the minority, though. [Doesn't mean it hurts them any less but it could be worse. Kay is silent for a few seconds, processor pondering scenarios and ideas.] Do you think Emerald would see things differently if I looked human?

[He bites down on his bottom lip. It would be easy to dismiss it without a thought, but that's the problem of falling in love with your best friend - he knows you well. Kay would know he's just reassuring him to spare his feelings, and that would likely wound him more. Cassian sighs heavily.]

I don't know. Maybe... in some respects. It wouldn't make her feel any less that I lied to her about seeking happiness, but maybe she would find it easier to understand all around... or understand why I'm going against what I said before.

[But it's not the point to him. The point is he doesn't know how to make Emerald understand that he hasn't even changed his opinion that much. He can just be with Kay without compromising himself. He's still not entitled to be happy, he still doesn't have the right to put his happiness first. He's just found someone who won't ask him to sacrifice the things that are more important than his happiness.]

We will have to talk about 'what you said before' too, but that's an issue for another time. [Kay is very concerned that Cassian said that to her because he's certain the man meant it at the time. However, they have other pressing issues to discuss right now.]

One problem at hand. There might be a way to give Emerald another point of view about us. Have you heard about the charms that grant wishes? We could...[Kay hesitates, sure that the moment he gives Cassian the idea the captain might not be able to forget it.]...we could ask them to make me human.

[It would be weird for Kay and his ability to protect Cassian would be forever hindered by his new body but if it meant that things would be easier for Cassian, then so be it.]

Human?!

[He jerks away from Kay, sitting up as if that will somehow make him see a different scene - one that makes sense, and doesn't overwhelm him so. But it's still just Kay and him in his bed, and that...

He shakes his head.] That's impossible! I don't care what magic they have in other worlds, nothing could possibly make a droid human.

[He carefully shies away from thinking about it in anything but terms of possibility, for that... It feels like a forbidden offer. Far too tempting if he let himself think about it, for sure, and taboo in so many ways. That's not a thing he should ever even contemplate, Cassian realizes that, yet... His mind drifts back to the circus, to Kay's android body. Not human, but so close. Close enough to pretend.]

[If Kay weren't a droid and so in control of his body he would have flinched or grimaced at how fast Cassian moved away.]

It is as impossible as bringing people back from the death, is it not?

['Nothing', in Genessia, was a word that has very little meaning. Kay learned that quickly enough.]

I don't know for sure if it were possible but if you wanted, we could investigate. Between the two of us we should have enough charms to ask for something.

That is impossible. [He refuses to consider anything else bdcsuse if he admits it is possible then he will have to start about the actual choice and that... there lies the true impossibility.]

We should keep our charms for an emergency. [Even as he says it he mnows it's the wrong thing to say. That's not even what this is about. He shouldn't be distracting from the true question they need to ask themselves. ]

And yet here we are, alive.

[For the time being, maybe, but it doesn't change the fact that they should be gone and that isn't the case.

It’s a scary choice, it worries Kay more than he lets and he doesn’t want to lose himself but...Cassian. He would do anything to make the man happy. Kay reaches out for the man’s wrist, giving it a squeeze. Cassian's not fooling anyone.]

That emergency level might never happen. But maybe we can find a way to wish for that without making it permanent?

But I would ask you to not be you anymore.

[He sighs and lays down again. There is a small but noticeable distance between them now. He needs that right now. Cassian keeps his eyes averted. Too afraid whatKay might read in them. ]

That's not a thing a good lover would ask of you. I knew what I was choosing when I made my choice.

[And how pathetic is it that he is already floundering? ]

[Kay doesn't have an smart answer for that because it's true and one of the things that worry him the most. The empty space between them makes his chest feel cold and empty but he tells himself it's necessary. He let's go of Cassian's wrist, feeling like he's being too overbearing.]

I know you wouldn't hurt me on purpose. [It would be a lie to deny he's had doubt int eh past but hearing Cassian confirm that he chose him as Kay is means a lot.] You know I just want you to be happy. Perhaps we can find a middle ground.

[He shakes his head unhappily.] You shouldn't have to talk about middle grounds to me.

[That's the problem right there, the fact that they're having this conversation at all is proof of his failure as friend and lover. And now Kay has physically retreated as well, just like he has. Nothing about this is going as it should.

Cassian looks at him mournfully.] You know this is not how I wanted to have this conversation, don't you? I knew we would have to have it one day, but... [But they had been doing so well just being without needing to negotiate everything. They'd smoothly transitioned from friends to lovers, there had been no need to shake the boat.]

I don't have any directives or previous information about how a relationship like our is supposed to work. I'm trying to find the best outcome and reach an agreement.

[That would be droidspeak for 'I'm winging this and hoping for the best because I care for you'. Kay's head drops and he gives Cassian a nod.] I know. But things never go as we plans them, so what else is new? Better to get it over it now than keep worrying. You haven't eaten or slept properly all week.

But that's not because I'm unhappy with you, or with us. [He halts, frowns. Amends.] Not as such. It's the situation... You didn't answer me before. Did you ever wonder yourself about what Emerald accused me of? That I'm trying to play pretend here? Us, the pokemon, the Guardian job... [He shakes his head.] The perfect civilian life.

[His hand tightens around the edge of the blanket. But it's not, is it? It's adjusting to a new situation. Taking what the Rebel Alliance taught him and implementing it here. That's what he'd liked to believe he is doing here, anyway. Now? He doesn't know anymore.]

I'm just happy you're not regretting us. [Even if a small part of him will forever wonder about it. Even if he can't shake the feeling that one day Cassian would like a real family and perhaps kids.]

And are you? Playing pretend? Don't you think you deserve to have a peaceful life after all you risked and gave up for the Rebellion? People like us doesn't getting many second opportunities, why would it be a bad thing to seize them?

[Maybe he will want a family one day, once it has really sunk in that he lives now in a world where raising children won't automatically mean sending them away to be raised by others till they're old enough for you to send them into battle. But it's not a thing he has considered yet, nor would he consider it an insurmountable problem if he did.]

I would have to be an idiot to be regretting us already. It's been mere months. My loyalties aren't that fickle. [And... well, that goes both ways. He makes a noise at the back of his throat.] I would rather be at home, fighting our war. But... [Cassian hesitantly reaches out again, fingertips brushing over Kay's chest.] If we could go home today, I would go. No hesitation. But I would want you to go with me, and for nothing to change between us.

[Kay sometimes can only see their differences, how limited his durasteel body is in comparison to an organic one.]

Yes, I know they aren't. [But hearing it from Cassian's mouth is much more reassuring. So are the little touches.] Nothing at all? Not my oh-so-charming personality? [Kay reached out to jab one of his fingers on Cassian's ribs, playfully.] Or how I am always right? Or my greats skills at matchmaking?

[His lips twitch with every question, by the last one he barks a laugh.] Or best of all: your humility.

[He grabs Kay's hand before he can think of poking him again and brings them up to his lips. He brushes his lips over the back of Kay's metal fingers.] I happen to like your personality. [Mischief sparks in his eyes.] I could do without the matchmaking, though.

That too, of course. [Kay's voice is happier now and the engine of his chest lets out a soft sounds like a small purr.Things are far from fixed yet but they're picking themselves up and that's a start.]

Shame. I'm getting better at it, I even got Garrus a possible girlfriend.

A girlfriend for Garrus? [ His brows lift up. ] Well, that's not so bad. I think he's lonely, it would do him good to have a girlfriend.

[No, they're not perfect, but this is all part of being a couple. Supporting another through hard times and doubts comes with the territory. Now that the panic has abated Cassian actually finds it somewhat comforting, to know they are handling this together.]

Kind of. They agreed to have a date, it was a start. [Kay needs to ask Garrus or Neo how things went between them. He can only hope the turian didn't chicken out of the date.] He's the only one from his world here, I would be lonely too. Perhaps we all could hang out together more. He likes going to the shooting range too.

[Good, that's good. Maybe now they're more relaxed they will come up with a more reasonable solution.]

[Oh no. You did not mention that.]

You mean, he likes to go to the shooting range with you.

[So painstakingly keeping his voice neutral here. He's not going to be jealous about something that happened before they got together. Kay can do what he wants with whom he wants, even now. But that had been a nasty scare...]

[Kay's optics shift, not entirely sure why Cassian wanted to point that out.]

I don't know, he never stated any preference. He goes to the shooting range on his own plenty of times.

But he went with you once. Which is fine. I was just wondering... Never mind.

[No point to bringing that up now, is there?]

You went with him to a gay bar. Are we pointing out all the places we went with Garrus, because...?

[OH NO NO NO, you need to explain yourself now.]

I did, but that's different. I didn't go with him on a date!

[Ummm...]

Not that I think you went with him on a date. But I wondered.

[Let him die in peace.]

We...what? [There's so much staring now. As if Cassian just grew a second head.]

We didn't go on a date? Why would we even do that?

[NOPE.]

It wasn't a date? Why didn't you tell me?!

[Sitting up again, and shooting Kay a disgruntled glare.]

I thought you'd moved on with him!

Do you want me to inform you about all the meetings I have with people that aren't dates? [Cassian, listen to yourself.]

...[Don't mind Kay reaching out to put a hand on your forehead, Cassian.] Are you delirious? That's absurd.

But why? [He frowns, lips pinched in distress as he is thrown back into that distressing time.] I'd turned you down. You had every right to find someone else. It's nothing less than I would have deserved for... [He gulps.] For breaking your heart.

Did you think that just because you didn't want me I immediately stopped being interested in you? [The hand moves down to cup Cassian's cheek. It upsets him to see the captain so broken up over a misunderstanding.]

Silly man. [The voice is soft and fond to soften the insult. There's no real heat behind Kay's words.] I never wanted anybody else.

Good. [He breathes the word against Kay's chest, where a human's heart would be. Cassian had never thought himself a very tactile person, but that has changed now with this new craving to touch and be touched. It's one of the many things he's still adjusting to, but there is peace in knowing he is adjusting.]

I spent all these months wishing I had stayed with you at the circus. If I'd stayed... [He exhales slowly, forehead pressed to Kay's chest.] I must have pictured a hundred ways things could have gone better if I'd stayed.

[Kay is only this tactile and delicate with Cassian too. There's no one else he could ever imagine being this close, they're been together for years before they got officially 'together'.]

You did? We had a lot of fun in at the Circus. It was really a shame we got separated we could hav...[He freezes mid sentence, realization blooming on his processor.] The circus! The android body. We still have it, it just doesn't work. Cassian, Cassian we could ask for that.

[He lifts up his head, eyes on Kay's optics, forehead slightly creased in thought. They could. If they do it for the right reasons.]

Do you want it back for more than to please me? [It may seem cold, curt even, the blunt question, and he realizes it himself. He curls his fingers around Kay's upper arm, his thumb hooking into the hole of his elbow joint.]

[It's exactly the kind of bluntness he expect from Cassian. It also tells Kay that his boyfriend cares about what he really wants and how he feels.]

Well...I liked kissing you, a lot. And hugging you without being able to crush you. The food was good too.

[ He relaxes, a small smile tugging at his lips, though it mostly just shows in his eyes. ]

Good. [ He runs his fingertips up his thin arm, lingering over the new rebel symbol on his shoulder. ] I liked kissing you, too, you know... I kind of wished we had... [ He trails off, too embarrassed. ]

[Smiling back is not possible but Kay's optics bright up and he encourages Cassian to get closer.]

Oh? You can't start saying that and then let me waiting. What did you wish about?

[He hums to himself as he does come closer, forehead to forehead now. If only Kay had lips, he would kiss him now. Soon... But better be careful, too, it wouldn't do to hurt Kay's feelings or make him think what they have isn't enough - especially with so many people voicing opinions on their sex life.]

I just couldn't help thinking, we could have done so much more than we did with that android body of yours...

[It's nice of Cassian to consider that. Kay will always worry, some things can't be helped, but he feels loved enough in his usual body to want to try giving the other one a shot.]

I didn't know the limits it had back then. We need to dust it out of where we left it and see if it's anatomically correct.

[He grins. Now that's a promise...]

Anatomically correct, hmm? You know me, I'm a firm believer in thorough testing of new equipment.

[A shameless one.]

Heh. It's almost our duty to make sure everything is in working order. You know, to make sure nothing unplanned happens and to take advantage of everything.

Of course. It would be downright criminally neglectful to let you go in the field before we have confirmed that you are fully functional.

[He dips his head a little, lets his lips brush over Kay's vocoder grille in the closest they can come to a kiss. Well, maybe not quite the closest.]

Not that I intend for you to be using these functions with anyone else.

We can't be less than professional. [Kay's reply is his chest revving in a soft purr.]

I wouldn't. [Nor do it nor want it with anybody else but Cassian. They need nothing and no one else right now. Things were going to be all right.]

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Some trouble in paradise

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