Hanzo Shimada (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dragonsmark) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
genessia2018-06-19 08:11 pm
dragonsmark) wrote in genessia2018-06-19 08:11 pm
Entry tags:
005 🏹 [ACTION] Not Dealing With Emotions
[[CONTENT WARNING: alcohol, drunkeness.]]
[For better or for worse, Hanzo has found himself a moment of quiet. The bad part is, is that he's been doing his best to keep himself busy. The good part is, he has several cans of beer to keep him company for the time being. Not exactly one for PUBLIC drinking, Hanzo has found a quiet corner in one of the larger parks to sit by the water and drink.
Genji disappeared back home over a month ago, and his brother's disappearance had been something he'd tried to ignore, but as feelings do when they're left to sit and grow sour it cut into his sleep and then his waking hours. Working at the shop with Cordelia had been something to keep him busy, but even there, he'd run out of things to do. His thoughts eventually drift to the one serious conversation he'd managed to have with Genji, and then the seeds of reconciliation that had been planted but not really come to fruition]
A wasted opportunity, you old fool. Not that you deserved redemption. [talking to himself, now. That's great. He looks down at the can in his hand and frowns, emptying it by tossing it back and then crushing it in his hand. It joins the rest of the dead soldiers next to him, and Hanzo shuts his eyes to let the pleasant swimming sensation shove the unpleasant feelings he'd rather avoid back into the void from where they came.]
[[OPTION ONE]] [Should someone approach him, he could still be sitting up staring into the water of the lake he's chosen to sit by, or, should they find him as the sun starts to dip over the horizon and it's begun to grow dark...
He's taking an impromptu nap in the grass.]
[[OPTION TWO]] [Eventually he's going to try to wander home. He's cleaned up after himself, but that doesn't mean he's sober. Not by a longshot. There's a blush to his face, and his steps, while carefully measured, still sway and hesitate slightly. At one point he stops his stroll to hold onto a iron fence post to steady himself, the once pleasant swimming feeling now decidedly overpowering at times. When he moves to walk again, he might just bump into someone, or stumble trying to avoid them.]
Fool.
[[CONTENT WARNING: alcohol, drunkeness.]]
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Era follows not long after, dressed in more outdoors-work appropriate clothes and equipped with not a bow, blade, or book but a hatchet and scythe instead. She had been searching for plants that bloom only at this time of day and is surprised to see her friend in the grass so close to nightfall.
It's with some caution that she approaches, uncertain as to what Hanzo is doing - surely he wouldn't leave himself so unprotected, out in the open?
...But apparently he would, and so Era is at a loss for what to do. The stench of alcohol in the air (combined with the discarded cans) is enough of an answer for her. It isn't her place to inquire as to why Hanzo felt the need to drown himself in booze, but as a friend she considers it her duty to sit nearby and keep guard until he wakes. ]
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...what are you doing here? [He's not normally one to be so uh, blatantly rude to Era of all people, but he's inebriated and not in the best of moods right now. Thanks to his grass nap, his hair is all mussed as he sits up, blades sticking in the strands of hair that have fallen loose from the usual ponytail he wears his hair in.]
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I was exploring, and you were unguarded. [ Her tail curls and uncurls absently against her side. Era is no good at sitting still - can always be found shifting positions, fiddling with whatever her hands touch, or moving her tail as she does now. ] It would have been against my nature to leave you alone, though I apologize if I've disturbed you.
[ If Hanzo had been a friend she's known longer than a few months, it's likely she would be picking the strands of grass from his hair. As it is, Era simply does her best to ignore it. ]
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There is no reason to be on my guard in a park. It is remarkably dull. [and lonesome. Somewhere in the deep dark recesses of his mostly closed off heart, he appreciates Era being here, despite his inability to express as much in words. As for carbuncle, however, he glances down at the summon and blinks. It's not like he has straight on double vision, but he's sure the little creature doesn't normally have that many tails.
He squints a little.]
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[ It's why until very recently she constantly looked worn out despite her seemingly boundless energy. Era trusted Emmy to keep sentinel while she slept, but not enough to rest as much as she probably should have.
It's different now, with Thancred here. He makes her feel safe, and she only hopes she can offer a small bit of that feeling to her friends in return. It's nice - a welcome comfort.
Seeing Hanzo squinting at her Carbuncle, Era glances between the two. She sends a mental message of query to her summon and receives naught but curiosityamusement in return.
She can't help but feel somewhat amused herself, pulling her knees to her chest and keeping an eye on the two. Eventually she decides to comment on it, voice teasing and lilting accent a bit more prominent. ]
I've never seen you so interested in it before.
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This was a poor choice. [the drinking, that is. In public, outside, etc. He should have gone home but well, it was easier to drink and try to forget when he wasn't running the risk of running into his roommate.
And yet, here he is, being guarded by his kind, but somewhat overly concerned friend.]
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[ His next statement make her smile fade into something smaller. Softer. A sad sort of understanding. ]
You are allowed to make poor choices every now and then. It is what makes us human.
[ There is something she wants to say, but it's probably not her place. And hypocritical of her... But Hanzo is drunk, and she worries for her friend. ]
Drinking will not make the pain go away. The longer you hide from it the more it will hurt when it finally catches up to you.
[ Era brings a hand to rest above her heart, twining the fabric of her shirt between strong fingers. She understands too deeply how pain will chase you down. Pin you into submission. Drag you under until you drown in it. ]
I am always willing to listen if you ever wish to talk. You are my friend Hanzo, and I do not mind sharing in your burdens.
fuck a grammar
These thoughts are no one's burden to bear but my own. It is not something to trouble you with.
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It troubles you. [ But she won't pry. ] If nothing else I can offer you company, if you wish for it.
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It involves my brother. [which is more than he's told anyone else.]
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Era falls silent, hesitating to comment - unsure if she should say anything or if she should let Hanzo continue speaking. She knows that Genji is no longer around, which she imagines would be bad enough, but... This seems to be more than just missing one's brother. Or at least it seems to be, from what she knows of Hanzo's personality.
She decides to remain silent, tail curling and uncurling against her side slowly. This isn't a situation she knows how to deal with but she will do her best. Her body language is open; attentive. She slides herself closer to him by a few inches. Her expression is non-judgmental, and laced with concern and sympathy. ]
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He has already forgiven the unforgivable, and yet... [drunken rambling is hard, he keeps starting sentences and trailing off, and then getting frustrated with himself. Eventually he swats at the grass in frustration.]
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Era is still not supremely comfortable with physical affection. She tolerates it and often even enjoys it, depending on who it's with. But it's... difficult for her to initiate. She reaches a hand out tentatively toward Hanzo's though doesn't make it far before she jolts it back, placing it on her lap instead. ]
And yet you haven't forgiven yourself.
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[There it is, in all its blatant glory. Of course, Genji wasn't actually dead. But he'd lived thinking that he was. It had been the intention. That was what counted. Not to mention the state in which Genji lived in now. That was HIS doing.]
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Era had thought she had gotten over the incident, but now she realizes it's something she likely will never truly move past.
She feels her heart pound in her chest and forces herself to ignore it. The way her chest feels tight and uncomfortable. This isn't about her - it's about Hanzo. What she feels is unimportant; irrelevant. ]
He has forgiven you.
[ She fists her fingers in the hem of her shirt. ]
...If you cannot forgive yourself then try and make up for what you've done. Bring more good into the world.
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He is a fool to forgive me. [as much as he wants something like that, he doesn't feel as though he deserves it.]
You sound like him. Naive. The world is not such a forgiving place. [that's harsh, Hanzo. He looks like he knows it too, by the way his posture shifts, his expression flinching slightly.]
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[ She frowns, the scales on her forehead peeking out from under her bangs as she draws her brows together. ]
The world is cruel and unrelenting in its misery. [ Era has seen the worst of people more times than she cares to count. ] But there is still goodness to be found and kindness to be treasured. By not letting the darkness of the world consume you there is opportunity to breathe light back into it.
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...Hm. [It's his ever familiar grunt, used when he has nothing to say but doesn't exactly approve of what he's hearing. Not that she doesn't have a point. He's just not certain he deserves to continue forward, to try and make up for the things he's done.
There is no honor left for him, after all. He may still hold his own convictions, but he's not entirely certain that rising from the ashes of his actions is something he truly deserves to be able to do.]
You sound as though you are speaking from experience.
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[ He has been surprisingly candid with her, and he is still fairly inebriated, so Era doesn't feel quite as hesitant to speak up as she might have otherwise. She still is anxious; pulse in her throat and lungs aching, but it's. Okay. It's Hanzo. And this feeling will pass, as it always has. ]
...For all of my failures I work that much harder. It is my duty and my calling to help those in need of it. What else can I do but try and protect what goodness there is in the world?
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[A much more wholesome, good person. Not the former leader of a yakuza organization that probably overall did more harm than good in some cases. Not the heir to a family that was convinced it was his duty to kill his brother.
There's no doubting that she may have faced trials in her past. He won't deny that. Even in his alcohol addled brain he recognizes the signs of someone who has been through much.]
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[ Era doubts anything she says tonight will have any lasting impact on Hanzo at all, but she wouldn't feel right if did not even attempt to raise his opinion of himself. ]
The fact you feel guilt and remorse makes you a much better person than most.
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[he looks over at his friend, Eyes watching her posture. It means more than he's letting on that she's... that willing to dismiss his worst secret but...]
You are giving a fool of a man more than he deserves.
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[ She can accept that he is not yet willing to see the goodness within himself. Much like she cannot accept that she's beautiful no matter how earnestly Aymeric would say it to her, breathing it against her skin like a prayer. ]
You are my friend, Hanzo. And so to me you deserve the world and more.
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Instead of saying that he just rolls his eyes and flops back onto the ground with a grumbled noise.]
You are impossible to argue with. [that's about as fond as Hanzo gets. He appreciates you, Era.]