[The angle looks like it's being adjusted several times. Not-so-quietly-mumbled groaning sounds can be heard before it focuses on a very displeased looking man in his later twenties.]

Ugh what kind of crap cellphone is this?! It doesn't even get reception or take good selfies! I can't even with any of this--!

[Apparently, he's so upset he ends it there. A few minutes later, maybe ten, he turns on the video again. He isn't whining yet, but he still looks distressed. Understandable, right?]

Look, I didn't mean to get all bitchy, it's just, this has been a really hard day for me, I woke up in a gross pod and I can't even wash away all the Do Not Want I had with that. And I-- I'm like trying to keep it together, but... [Here come the watering eyes. He bites his lip, oh god is he embarrassed.] I ruined my best pair of pants, and they're not even good pants, and then I saw that hologram and she had perfect shoes and perfect hair and I'm here with this fake monopoly money and ugly ass necklace. Where did you even get this thing from? [He holds up his pendant, utterly disgusted.] The dollar store? I don't even know why I'm trying! I'm probably just being watched by some creepy stalker or psycho-killer. Ew much? But if somehow anyone I know does see this...

Just don't get all rude and self-righteous and I-told-you-so-with me! It's like, really obnoxious and I don't need to listen to it! [He rolls his eyes dramatically, ending the video for now. A few minutes later:]

Chalking that up to a temporary loss of judgment from waking up from a waterlogged coffin. #Wakingupinanotherworld #Notokwiththis #Yourphonessuck #Missingmyfriends :(