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Entry tags:
VI ✖ ＫＩＬＬ 【Log】
Who: Mikasa Ackerman, Jean Kirstein, & Armin Alert
What: Mikasa feels bad about what happened in the early morning hours, even if it was something that needed to be done, so she makes the effort to try to make things better and also to talk to Armin about something.
When: March 5th
Where: Casa AoT originally while talking to Armin, but then going to talk to Jean later.
Style: Starting in 3rd, but I switching to 1st in comments.
[ A R M I N | E A R L I E R ]
Mikasa couldn't say that the morning argument they had was something that she was proud of, even if it was a bit short lived once Mikasa arrived. She'd wanted to go after Jean and apologize, but she had Armin to look after right now. She didn't like it... She didn't like Jean walking off in the middle of the early hours of morning to avoid the apartment again... She didn't like the fact that she'd felt that she'd done something bad even if it was necessary in that moment of time. She didn't like any of this conflict, and yet she was partially to blame because she'd known about it since Marco arrived and even before then but never said anything.
It was probably better to just rip off the band-aid so to speak, but she didn't think Marco was emotionally ready to hear about his death. Still, after attending to Armin and trying to calm him down and make him feel better in the early hours of the morning, they managed to finally sleep; though she'd ended up falling asleep next to Armin on the couch because she didn't want to wake Eren up and doubted that that was possible after that.
Given a few hours later for him to really calm down, she'd woken a little earlier than everyone else. It seems that even if the argument hadn't happened, she still wasn't likely to get much sleep after yesterday. Letting out a deep yawn, she faced the facts that she probably wasn't going to get much sleep even if she tried, so she just got up and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
Absent mindedly looking to the room that Jean stayed in in the tiny apartment, she let out a small sigh before setting down the glass to go see if he'd come back at some point. Still gone... He was... still gone... She made the mental note to go look for Jean, but for now she really needed to talk to Armin and not because of Marco this time...
Going over to Armin sleeping on the couch, she put the blanket she'd shared with him over him to cover him better, trying not to wake him up.
[ J E A N | L A T E R ]
After her talk with Armin, it left Mikasa even more confused about what to do. She didn't understand why she felt the way she did. She didn't know what to do. Armin had a girlfriend once before so she thought he'd be more help than the rest of the people here. Even so she was still unsure of what to do about this. She liked Jean. It had come to that conclusion and it was such a strange thought because... she never paid too much attention to him back home. Then again... back home they had a lot more pressing matters to keep themselves busy. There was no avoiding it here. His comfort and those dates they'd gone on meant a lot to her... A lot more than she'd ever thought they would.
And then he found out about her past somehow within their conversation yesterday. It was something that Mikasa didn't try to think too much about and really hadn't talked about it extensively in years. Between Eren and her... they weren't too keen on thinking about that day that he'd saved her because of the night terrors she'd experienced after it. Armin only knew the basics of what happened, but he was considerate enough not to say much about it either. And now that she had remembered everything (although it was almost impossible to forget) and talked about her parents for the first time in years... she hadn't really experienced night terrors.
They couldn't classify as night terrors anymore, the nightmares she'd gotten as a child were coming back to her. She was older now, but it didn't make them any less uncomfortable or easier to deal with. All that was certain was that sleeping had certainly become an issue after. Between that and what happened between Armin, Jean, and her... it made her restless. Still even if he knew what happened to her as a child now.... there was comfort in being able to just sort of... let it go. Physically contact was definitely a strange thing for Mikasa much at all, but his warm hand and his caring hugs did help her calm down a bit. It made her feel... a little better even.
She'd tried to look for him, but she didn't find him. Eventually she let out a sigh and tried to call him. This wasn't so much about her recent feelings surfacing as much as she wanted to tell him sorry. She wanted to talk to him about Marco again and... she knew he probably didn't want to. She felt that she needed to try to talk to him about what happened though. And she wanted to ask for his permission about her thoughts on what to do about Marco. During the time she couldn't sleep, she'd thought a lot about what to do.
Nothing. He didn't pick up. Trying again..., "Come up! Answer me please..."
What: Mikasa feels bad about what happened in the early morning hours, even if it was something that needed to be done, so she makes the effort to try to make things better and also to talk to Armin about something.
When: March 5th
Where: Casa AoT originally while talking to Armin, but then going to talk to Jean later.
Style: Starting in 3rd, but I switching to 1st in comments.
[ A R M I N | E A R L I E R ]
Mikasa couldn't say that the morning argument they had was something that she was proud of, even if it was a bit short lived once Mikasa arrived. She'd wanted to go after Jean and apologize, but she had Armin to look after right now. She didn't like it... She didn't like Jean walking off in the middle of the early hours of morning to avoid the apartment again... She didn't like the fact that she'd felt that she'd done something bad even if it was necessary in that moment of time. She didn't like any of this conflict, and yet she was partially to blame because she'd known about it since Marco arrived and even before then but never said anything.
It was probably better to just rip off the band-aid so to speak, but she didn't think Marco was emotionally ready to hear about his death. Still, after attending to Armin and trying to calm him down and make him feel better in the early hours of the morning, they managed to finally sleep; though she'd ended up falling asleep next to Armin on the couch because she didn't want to wake Eren up and doubted that that was possible after that.
Given a few hours later for him to really calm down, she'd woken a little earlier than everyone else. It seems that even if the argument hadn't happened, she still wasn't likely to get much sleep after yesterday. Letting out a deep yawn, she faced the facts that she probably wasn't going to get much sleep even if she tried, so she just got up and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
Absent mindedly looking to the room that Jean stayed in in the tiny apartment, she let out a small sigh before setting down the glass to go see if he'd come back at some point. Still gone... He was... still gone... She made the mental note to go look for Jean, but for now she really needed to talk to Armin and not because of Marco this time...
Going over to Armin sleeping on the couch, she put the blanket she'd shared with him over him to cover him better, trying not to wake him up.
[ J E A N | L A T E R ]
After her talk with Armin, it left Mikasa even more confused about what to do. She didn't understand why she felt the way she did. She didn't know what to do. Armin had a girlfriend once before so she thought he'd be more help than the rest of the people here. Even so she was still unsure of what to do about this. She liked Jean. It had come to that conclusion and it was such a strange thought because... she never paid too much attention to him back home. Then again... back home they had a lot more pressing matters to keep themselves busy. There was no avoiding it here. His comfort and those dates they'd gone on meant a lot to her... A lot more than she'd ever thought they would.
And then he found out about her past somehow within their conversation yesterday. It was something that Mikasa didn't try to think too much about and really hadn't talked about it extensively in years. Between Eren and her... they weren't too keen on thinking about that day that he'd saved her because of the night terrors she'd experienced after it. Armin only knew the basics of what happened, but he was considerate enough not to say much about it either. And now that she had remembered everything (although it was almost impossible to forget) and talked about her parents for the first time in years... she hadn't really experienced night terrors.
They couldn't classify as night terrors anymore, the nightmares she'd gotten as a child were coming back to her. She was older now, but it didn't make them any less uncomfortable or easier to deal with. All that was certain was that sleeping had certainly become an issue after. Between that and what happened between Armin, Jean, and her... it made her restless. Still even if he knew what happened to her as a child now.... there was comfort in being able to just sort of... let it go. Physically contact was definitely a strange thing for Mikasa much at all, but his warm hand and his caring hugs did help her calm down a bit. It made her feel... a little better even.
She'd tried to look for him, but she didn't find him. Eventually she let out a sigh and tried to call him. This wasn't so much about her recent feelings surfacing as much as she wanted to tell him sorry. She wanted to talk to him about Marco again and... she knew he probably didn't want to. She felt that she needed to try to talk to him about what happened though. And she wanted to ask for his permission about her thoughts on what to do about Marco. During the time she couldn't sleep, she'd thought a lot about what to do.
Nothing. He didn't pick up. Trying again..., "Come up! Answer me please..."
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I'm fine....
[But that emotionless tone of her voice is becoming more and more strained. Even if it wasn't obvious, Armin knew her better than most people did. She wouldn't put it past him to realize she was obviously not okay even without her tall tell sign that she's lying to reach for her scarf..]
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...You don't have to hide it, 'kasa. Not from me.
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But this was Armin. He knew... He knew about her past better than most people. Finally realizing that she should respond to the hug, she gently wrapped her arms around him too.]
It... doesn't matter how I am right now... There are other things to worry about besides my own feelings.
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'kasa... how you are always matters. I don't c-care if there are other things to worry about. It m-matters to me.
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[Her words sounded flat, still trying to control her emotions.]
I... Yesterday was the first time I've talked about them for a few years and now that I have... the nightmares are back.
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I understand. Nightmares... I have them too, now. We're safe here. We're together, the three of us, and we're here for each other. None of us are going anywhere.
But I understand.
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[Burying her face into his chest.]
It hurts. I can't... I didn't mean to... talk about it. I didn't mean for the conversation to turn into my fears coming back to me. And now that it's happened, I'm not doing so well when it comes to forgetting... ignoring them.
But right now you need me and... Jean needs my help with Marco and... How can I preach about keeping emotions in check when I can't even do that right now? I can't let them get to me but it hurts, Armin.
i should have saved that icon for this tag. but this one also hurts, so it's okay
[Armin's voice is a little hoarse, tears running down his own cheeks now. He didn't see his parents murdered, but he still dreams about it, and his grandfather - how they must have died, terrified and alone and in vain. It's not just his own death he had nightmares about. He keeps it quiet, though - now it's his turn to be strong for Mikasa. One hand is resting against the back of her head, gently petting her hair as he holds her close.]
We're here for each other, 'kasa. It's okay not to be strong all the time. And maybe here... [He hesitates, voice growing quieter.] Maybe here, we don't have to forget.
[Maybe they should let it get to them - maybe keeping their emotions in check all the time is only hurting them. Either way, he just holds her even tighter.]
You could have used it still
I don't like using the same icon too close together. I dunno why, it just bothers me.
[He remains where he is, content to hold her for as long as she needs.]
It's not a bad thing to feel, 'kasa. [It doesn't make you weak.]
I hear that
[And then she's silent for a moment.]
It's strange... I feel like... I'm more confused now than I was when I first got here. I don't know what to do or what to think...
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[He shakes his head. He's been to a dozen different world, but though some were ridiculous, they all made more sense to him than this place did. At least there, he had a purpose, even if it was hard to tell just what the purpose is.]
I know, 'kasa. But I think... [He bites his lip, uncertain, and worried about saying the wrong thing.] I th-think being confused is okay. Th-that everyone has to figure out wh-what to do and what to think. Isn't that just... well, a p-part of growing up?
Now that we're n-not in our world anymore, things are m-more complicated because it's not j-just about survival. And it is confusing, b-but... it's also a good thing.
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[Letting out a small sigh...]
Can I... ask you something? I figured that.. you'd know more than I would, but I don't want to trudge up certain memories if they'll make you sad either...
[And before he could ask her...]
What was it like...? When you first started to like Sansa....
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You can ask me anything, 'kasa. Always.
[He says it simply, and means it, too. And when she asks about Sansa... it does bring up memories, but though it's sad to think about, it's not like it's bad, exactly. He couldn't avoid thinking about Sansa now any more than he could avoid thinking about Eren and Mikasa when he was a Traveler. They were all too big a part of his life. They'd always be with him.]
It's... a little complicated, I guess. Neither of us were really ourselves, when we first met - we thought we were entirely different people, natives of the world we lived in, and entirely in love with each other.
Then the jaunt ended, and we weren't those people anymore. We weren't in love... but the feeling never completely went away. We were still a lot closer than we had been, even though we knew next to nothing about each other. Not our real selves, anyway.
[He smiles faintly, thinking back on the first days after Brooklyn.] We were just friends, at first. There weren't many kids around our age, anyway, so it was nice to have someone to talk to. Eventually, it started to be more than that. I felt nervous whenever I was around her, but... it was a good kind of nervous. I'd think about her all the time, and feel all warm inside whenever she smiled. And then... and then she kissed me, and I took that as a sign she felt the same way - so a couple days later I asked her to be my girlfriend.
[He's quiet for a long moment.] ...Is it Jean?
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...I guess it's not exactly hard to notice...
[She'd never been good at hiding her feelings for anyone. That was obvious in daily life if not with how she acted with Eren.]
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It wouldn't be obvious to just anyone. But I know you, 'kasa.
[His smile turns genuinely curious.] So... what is it like for you?
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[Her faint attempt to joke before returning to hiding her cheeks with the scarf.]
I.. I guess I'm just confused... I mean... I feel nervous around him too and... A lot of these feeling I just... I don't know what to make of them...
It's just... It's easier to talk to him about a good number of things that I can't bring up around certain people... And because of how much easier it is to talk to him about these things.... things I haven't talked about for a long time sort of followed along with...
I do feel a little bad for dismissing him back home now that we're in a world that doesn't have nearly as many dangers... It's... made trying to distract the things that bug you harder to do when you don't have to worry about your safety and everyone else's on a daily basis.
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And... that's why you're having nightmares again. Because it's easy to talk to him, and you ended up telling him what happened.
I think... if it's causing nightmares again, it was probably bound to happen sooner or later? And it's good there's someone other than Eren and I you can be open with. What those feelings mean... only you can figure that out, I'm afraid. But it sounds like you might like him - and everyone knows he likes you. You don't have to make it official, but going on a date or two probably won't hurt. It could help you sort out your feelings, at least. It's not something you have to know right away.
And... like you said, we had other things to worry about back home. I don't think any of us really had time to think about a relationship. It's not something you should feel sorry for.
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They're... not nearly as bad as they used to be but... yeah...
[And then the date part of that...]
Oh uhm... [Thanks to their strange Valentine's Day encounter, she knew what was a date at least and...] I uhh.... That's... already sort of happened... Twice actually...
[Are her cheeks getting brighter? Yep they sure are...]
That's actually when we ended up talking about it...
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Oh! [Armin actually sounds surprised at that, before his expression turns thoughtful.] Besides talking about it, how did they turn out? What did you feel like at the time?
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Although I'm pretty sure the coffee could say otherwise.
[Attempting a poor joke right now.]
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Heavy topics aren't necessarily a bad thing, either - the nightmares obviously aren't good, but Eren and Armin will be around to help with that (Armin makes a mental note to make sure Mikasa sleeps in the middle tonight, unlike usual). And being willing to talk about the bad things is usually a sign of trust. Though the current situation may not apply quite as much.]
And you think you probably want to keep seeing him like this?
[She hadn't actually said as much, but it was pretty easy to infer. Then she tries her joke about the coffee - and, not knowing what happened to it, it goes right over Armin's head.]
The coffee... could say otherwise?
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I.. I guess so.. I don't know... I'm not sure how to feel. All I know it's confusing me and I'm not sure what to think...
[But generally that's a yeah basically.]
Uh well... They kind of fell off the side of a balcony at some point...
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I... I'm not sure what to tell you, then. Except that I'm here to help you figure out whatever you need to. And... just keep in mind, that if you start dating now, and then change your mind later, or if you decide not to date now, and then change your mind later, it's not the end of the world. It's okay to be confused and figuring things out.
[And he wraps his arms around her again tightly. Whatever happened, it would be okay - and he'd be there for her.]
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I just... I'm not even sure what that entails or how I'm supposed to act. It's a strange day when I'm honestly confused and worried about what to do when it comes to relationships over fighting titans.
[And since he hugged her, she returned the hug.]
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