VI ✖ ＫＩＬＬ 【Log】

[inhisdebt]

Who: Mikasa Ackerman, Jean Kirstein, & Armin Alert
What: Mikasa feels bad about what happened in the early morning hours, even if it was something that needed to be done, so she makes the effort to try to make things better and also to talk to Armin about something.
When: March 5th
Where: Casa AoT originally while talking to Armin, but then going to talk to Jean later.
Style: Starting in 3rd, but I switching to 1st in comments.

[ A R M I N | E A R L I E R ]



Mikasa couldn't say that the morning argument they had was something that she was proud of, even if it was a bit short lived once Mikasa arrived. She'd wanted to go after Jean and apologize, but she had Armin to look after right now. She didn't like it... She didn't like Jean walking off in the middle of the early hours of morning to avoid the apartment again... She didn't like the fact that she'd felt that she'd done something bad even if it was necessary in that moment of time. She didn't like any of this conflict, and yet she was partially to blame because she'd known about it since Marco arrived and even before then but never said anything.

It was probably better to just rip off the band-aid so to speak, but she didn't think Marco was emotionally ready to hear about his death. Still, after attending to Armin and trying to calm him down and make him feel better in the early hours of the morning, they managed to finally sleep; though she'd ended up falling asleep next to Armin on the couch because she didn't want to wake Eren up and doubted that that was possible after that.

Given a few hours later for him to really calm down, she'd woken a little earlier than everyone else. It seems that even if the argument hadn't happened, she still wasn't likely to get much sleep after yesterday. Letting out a deep yawn, she faced the facts that she probably wasn't going to get much sleep even if she tried, so she just got up and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

Absent mindedly looking to the room that Jean stayed in in the tiny apartment, she let out a small sigh before setting down the glass to go see if he'd come back at some point. Still gone... He was... still gone... She made the mental note to go look for Jean, but for now she really needed to talk to Armin and not because of Marco this time... 

Going over to Armin sleeping on the couch, she put the blanket she'd shared with him over him to cover him better, trying not to wake him up.

[ J E A N | L A T E R ]

After her talk with Armin, it left Mikasa even more confused about what to do. She didn't understand why she felt the way she did. She didn't know what to do. Armin had a girlfriend once before so she thought he'd be more help than the rest of the people here. Even so she was still unsure of what to do about this. She liked Jean. It had come to that conclusion and it was such a strange thought because... she never paid too much attention to him back home. Then again... back home they had a lot more pressing matters to keep themselves busy. There was no avoiding it here. His comfort and those dates they'd gone on meant a lot to her... A lot more than she'd ever thought they would. 

And then he found out about her past somehow within their conversation yesterday. It was something that Mikasa didn't try to think too much about and really hadn't talked about it extensively in years. Between Eren and her... they weren't too keen on thinking about that day that he'd saved her because of the night terrors she'd experienced after it. Armin only knew the basics of what happened, but he was considerate enough not to say much about it either. And now that she had remembered everything (although it was almost impossible to forget) and talked about her parents for the first time in years... she hadn't really experienced night terrors.

They couldn't classify as night terrors anymore, the nightmares she'd gotten as a child were coming back to her. She was older now, but it didn't make them any less uncomfortable or easier to deal with. All that was certain was that sleeping had certainly become an issue after. Between that and what happened between Armin, Jean, and her... it made her restless. Still even if he knew what happened to her as a child now.... there was comfort in being able to just sort of... let it go. Physically contact was definitely a strange thing for Mikasa much at all, but his warm hand and his caring hugs did help her calm down a bit. It made her feel... a little better even.

She'd tried to look for him, but she didn't find him. Eventually she let out a sigh and tried to call him. This wasn't so much about her recent feelings surfacing as much as she wanted to tell him sorry. She wanted to talk to him about Marco again and... she knew he probably didn't want to. She felt that she needed to try to talk to him about what happened though. And she wanted to ask for his permission about her thoughts on what to do about Marco. During the time she couldn't sleep, she'd thought a lot about what to do.

Nothing. He didn't pick up. Trying again..., "Come up! Answer me please..."

Comments

[neighvarily]

[Jean had some time to cool down, and what had initially been an acidic type of rage that tore away at him had been replaced by a brooding cloud of dread and anxiety. It was incredible, how quickly something cherished could be taken, and he felt like he was losing Marco all over again. Thanks to Armin, for one, but also his own incompetence at keeping control over his emotions. He was still infuriated with Armin. What gave him the right? Normally, he could overlook his tendency to be set in his own beliefs, but right now it only pissed him off, because it was going to hurt someone in the process.

He could handle Marco being mad at him--or, he thought he could--but it was just one thing after another, and while he didn't blame Mikasa in any way, he couldn't be around them either. Just hearing them talk about telling Marco, as if it were up to them, when it shouldn't have been. It pissed Jean off, and he knew things would only escalate into worse damage if he stayed.

He had to figure this out. He had to figure out how to protect Marco, and obviously, he couldn't count on anyone else to do it for him.

He knew he was being stubborn, but he was still hurt by everything. So he traveled through Nova City, pretending to be productive, when really he was just allowing himself to sulk. He'd seen the missed calls, but he wasn't eager to face Mikasa yet. He knew he'd eventually have to. He owed her an apology. Looking at his phone, he saw the screen light up with her name again. He had intended to ignore it, but he was tired, and ended up pressing the wrong button and turning on the video. He looked startled, but there wasn't anything he could do about it now. So he tried to look at her as calmly as possible.]

Mikasa? Is something wrong?

[Besides everything.]

[inhisdebt]

[If there was anyone here who knew that, it was Mikasa. She hasn't had to tell anyone they had died before coming here besides Petra, but she already had a good idea that she was going to anyways. She had managed to calm her down at the very least. Petra understood... But Mikasa knew what it was like to lose people she loved. She'd lost her parents, and then her adoptive parents... and then Eren. Even if he hadn't actually "died", Mikasa saw his mangled body from the sheer brute force of impact.

In some ways... Jean was stronger than Mikasa had been. Mikasa was ready to let herself die. It was only because of remembering that if she died, she couldn't remember Eren and Eren would never want Mikasa to simply give up when other lives depended on her. She knew that and yet... if Eren hadn't come along in titan form, she probably would have died.

Having him finally pick up, she gave a surprised look before it turned into a worried, sad look. She hadn't even paid attention to her expression right now.]

Jean I... [There was a short pause as if she was trying to gather her words. He finally picked up.] Yes. Everything is wrong. I...

[Looking of to the side, it was clear she felt bad.]

Look Jean I.. I'm sorry. I know how hard this is for you but you have to remember that you're not the only one who's lost someone dear to them. I'm not even talking about just me right now. I... shouldn't have slapped you, but when I saw you getting a little too aggressive with Armin, my instincts kicked in.

[Looking around for a moment and then back to him.]

Jean we... really need to talk. Please... Can you please tell me where you are?

[Not going to mention for how long she's been looking for him.]

[neighvarily]

[She might not have been paying attention, but he was. Seeing her sad made him feel sad, and guilty. He felt bad just hearing this. He shook his head adamantly, his voice a little more quiet than usual.]

You were in the right. I shouldn't have acted that way around Armin, but I can't...I can't be around him right now either. I get that I can't change his mind, but maybe you can. Can't you talk to him? There's an actual chance he might listen to you.

[He probably shouldn't tell her. But he couldn't stand seeing her sad. Considering their conversation that morning, he wasn't looking forward to talking to her now. But if anyone would hear him out, it would be Mikasa. That, and...her presence was calming to him. She wasn't not the only one comforted by someone.]

...Sure. [And he sent her the address, which was about a ten minute walk.]

[inhisdebt]

I... talked to him earlier. [About that and a few more things.] I'll see what I can do, though. I think he understands a little better but... Jean... You have to keep in mind....

He just found out about his death just then... Do you really think he's going to answer that calmly after finding that out so suddenly? And... It wasn't.... all your fault but... [Her hand reached for her neck rather than her scarf.] Armin... was strangled before... you know?

[And then he hesitantly sent her his address. There was a glimmer of hope in her eyes as she nodded.]

I'll be there soon, okay?

[The video clicked off promptly after. It didn't take her long to get there because it was an area that she knew. It might have taking that ten minutes normally, but once Mikasa saw him, she seemed to be a little out of breath insinuating that she'd ran over as soon as she got the address.]

[neighvarily]

I don't expect him to be calm, but I don't expect him to try to take matters he has no business involving himself in into his own hands. He wasn't even from that point. It's not his fucking decision to make.

I know that. [And that filled him with a different anger entirely.] But I wasn't going to-- I wouldn't do that, Mikasa, no matter how upset I am!

[He wasn't angry when he yelled, he was scared. He even looked it. He wouldn't do that. Not to Armin.]

Yeah. I'm not moving.

[He leaned against the wall, and didn't. With the emotional exhaustion on top of the physical, he didn't have much desire too, until he noticed Mikasa, out of breath. He wasn't going to beat around the bush, and arched one eyebrow.]

You didn't have to run here.

[inhisdebt]

Yeah well... It... was faster...

[And then a moment.]

Jean... That's not what I was talking about. I know you'd never do that, but... when something that traumatic happens... even if you don't mean to do something like that... It affects you. Just your anger and your actions just frightened him because it made him think about that time.

[Because she doesn't want him to think that's what she meant by any means.]

I've talked to him, Jean... He's willing to at least hold off on it and until then I'll continue to work things out with him, but he has a point... If he finds out from a third party that we all knew about it but never told him, I think he'd understand why but...

I still think he'd be hurt by it since all of us knew and nobody said a thing to him; especially when it's something that important. I'm not saying tell him right away by any means but... we're probably going have to sometime... unless you'd like him to find out in a way that we don't intend.

[neighvarily]

...It was that.

I... I get that, Mikasa.

[He sighs. He's still not over that, but he can move past it for now. He's too hyper-focused on her next words to be too concerned, anyway.

He has to fix this. He has to persuade Mikasa before she actually thinks telling Marco is a good idea.]

I understand he would be hurt if he found out, but he's not going to find out from anyone. If we're careful enough, it will never become a problem. Marco's alive now, isn't that more important than what happened? Just...everyone just needs to drop the subject. Please, Mikasa.

[inhisdebt]

Look Jean.... I would love to keep it from him for as long as I can, but you know somebody is going to ruin that eventually. You know I'm on your side for this... I just... I worry about how this will mess with Marco. We can't just force everyone to keep their mouths shut no matter how much we try. We can try to get them to go along with it, but how long will that last?

You haven't exactly acted naturally around him lately.... If you really want him to stop suspecting something is wrong, you need to stop letting him see your hurt feelings. I know it's hard and I'm here for you, but if you really want this to work, you have to try the best you can to hide that. If you have to you can vent to me in the meantime.

[And she's getting a little better about it, but she reached to take his hands in her own gently. The look she gave him showed that she understood.]

I don't care. I just worry about Marco's and your well being.

[neighvarily]

[He doesn't want to think about this right now. There's a horrible voice in the back of his head that agrees with Mikasa, and Armin, and taunts him for hurting Marco. But if he thinks about it, it will just get louder, and he doesn't think he can take that. He knows he can't.] What other choice do we have? I get that it sucks, and that it's hard. Really, I do. It's just as difficult for me, but we have to, because I can't risk his wellbeing on the the possibility that he might be able to recover from it.

I can't do that to him.

Marco seems to think he's a match for Roman. He's just as stupid a martyr as he was before. If someone was in danger, even a stranger he didn't even know, he'd try to help them before considering his own safety. When I think about that, and what happened, I--

[His hands are trembling, but he holds onto hers like they're a lifeline. In a way, right now they are. He looked up from the ground to face her. Mikasa wasn't perfect, but she was as close as anyone came. He looked lost, hollow, sad, and had it been anyone else, he wouldn't have shown that right now.]

I know you do.

[inhisdebt]

He won't face Roman alone if something does happen. We're all there and we'll make damn sure nothing happens to him. But Jean.... Honestly speaking... I would do that too. I would put my own life on the line if it meant protecting someone in danger.

I... Well... Since I've been here I have done that, actually. At one point someone was trying to kill Luke and I made sure that he was safe.

[And then she went silent hearing the last bit.]

I... know you don't want to hear about him, but... Eren hates how I'm always so protective of him. He insists that he can protect himself and I don't need to but.... I'm afraid to lose him again. I can't. But that's different from not even know why other people are so protective of you.

[neighvarily]

Yeah. You'll all be there. [Was that bitterness? Maybe.]

[But that alarms him, because if Mikasa said she put her life on the line, she had to mean it.] How dangerous was this person threatening you both?

Except Eren's never died. He might have been through a lot of shit-- [He's not happy to talk about Eren, but even he can admit he's been through too much for one person to handle.]--but he's somehow been lucky enough each time to pull through. Mostly, thanks to the people he's been around. You can't compare the two because they're too different from eachother.

[inhisdebt]

As far as I know, I guess I found out later that that man is pretty dangerous. I was more concerned with getting Luke to safety though, so I tried not to fight as much.

No... He didn't die but.... [And now she's gone somewhat silent. She'd tried to just remain void of any emotion at all while talking to Armin. It was easier to just... go numb than to feel. And yet they came back to her...] I thought I lost him.... I thought.... I would never see him again.

[So much for trying to stay emotionless.... The shaking started again slowly.]

I was an idiot. I spoke too brashly and acted impulsively. In the end... I used too much gas and I... Jean...

I was ready to die. I was ready to let that titan eat me.... If Eren hadn't come around, I probably would have. By the time I came to realize that I had to live because if I died too, so would his memories. So would the people I care about. I don't want to lose anyone else just as much as you don't but it...

[Suddenly letting go of his hands to put her hands on her forehead.]

No. I'm sorry. This... isn't what this is about... I just.... need to get a hold of myself.

[Why.... Why did she do this in front of Jean? Once before and now? Why was it so damn easy to just.... say these things? No.. It wasn't easy. It hurt. Her breathing hitched as she tried to force her emotions back in. No. She'd done enough crying. She was trying to help Jean, not fall into her own despair.]

I-I'm sorry. This was a bad idea after all.

[She suddenly turned to leave. How can she possibly calm down Jean if she couldn't even calm herself down? How could she tell him to control his emotions if she couldn't even do it now? Damn it! She shouldn't be saying these things if she was having somewhat of the same issues here.]

[neighvarily]

[He had been...so fucking stupid. He had seen Mikasa take off. Of course he was worried, but he should have been more worried than he was. Maybe he could have done something, or at least made sure Mikasa hadn't gone through it completely alone. He ran his hands over hers to try and calm her down, letting them drop when she let go.]

No. Just wait for a second--

[He reached out to grab her shoulder and try to get her to pause. He wasn't thinking, he just did what felt natural after everything, but he tried to wrap his arms around her, still facing her back. His grip was stronger this time, as if to try and bring Mikasa back to the present. He knew better than anyone, she could easily leave if she wanted.]

Do you know how many people would be devastated if something happened to you? I would be. I know no one can compare to Eren for you, but none of us want to see him die either, believe it or not. We've already dealt with enough death. I just mean, if you're going to be reckless, let someone go with you. Don't go alone. I don't want to lose you too.

You can't die. We have to keep living, for as long as we can. Otherwise, we'll be disregarding everything the people who aren't here believed in.

[neverfeltthatway]

[Armin isn't really proud of that conversation either. He hadn't expected it to go well, exactly, but... it had gone a lot worse than he'd hoped. Especially with him reacting poorly and becoming scared, and Mikasa coming out to defend him - though it's not as if it had been going well before that point. He feels bad about that, though. He didn't want to come between anyone else.

The worst part is that Jean probably hates him now, even though he just wants what's best for all of them. And, for better or worse, he's still convinced he's right. Jean's just too close to it to see clearly.

Even knowing Jean would never really hurt him, that he's safe with Eren and Mikasa, it takes Armin a while to stop shaking. By that time he's curled up on the couch with Mikasa and nearly asleep. The whole ordeal, including finding out Marco had died in the first place, ensures Armin won't sleep very well, though. Even leaning against Mikasa, his sleep is light and troubled, so when she leaves, it doesn't take much to wake him up. Really, he's fine with that - he'd known it would happen, and it's better than the nightmares starting.

He stirs as Mikasa spreads the blanket over him, obviously uneasy but still mostly asleep.]

Nngnn... 'kasa?

[inhisdebt]

[Mikasa hadn't intended on waking him up, but she figured neither of them would have slept well at all that morning. Letting out the faintest of sighs, she too a seat next to him.]

Armin.... Are you feeling any better?

[There's a somewhat emotionless tone in that, but over all concern is apparent. She's resorted to just.... going numb again rather than feeling much at the moment.]

[neverfeltthatway]

[He wakes up further at her voice, comforted that she's still there. He slowly sits up, blearily rubbing the sleep from his eyes - still a little red from crying.]

A l-little. [Though he wouldn't really be better until this whole thing was over and everyone had time to heal. Still, looking up at Mikasa...] ...are you?

[inhisdebt]

[And at that question, she remained silent for a little longer than she should have.]

I'm fine....

[But that emotionless tone of her voice is becoming more and more strained. Even if it wasn't obvious, Armin knew her better than most people did. She wouldn't put it past him to realize she was obviously not okay even without her tall tell sign that she's lying to reach for her scarf..]

[neverfeltthatway]

[Armin just looks at her a little sadly for a moment after that, then reaches up and wraps his arms around her in a tight hug. When he talks, his voice is a little muffled against her side.]

...You don't have to hide it, 'kasa. Not from me.

[inhisdebt]

[Not really responding to his hug right away, she didn't say anything. She was anything but fine, but there were other people that needed her help more than herself. She couldn't let them affect her right now.

But this was Armin. He knew... He knew about her past better than most people. Finally realizing that she should respond to the hug, she gently wrapped her arms around him too.]

It... doesn't matter how I am right now... There are other things to worry about besides my own feelings.

[neverfeltthatway]

[His hug only tightens at her words.]

'kasa... how you are always matters. I don't c-care if there are other things to worry about. It m-matters to me.

[inhisdebt]

Armin.... Those nightmares are back. The memories keep replaying in my head...

[Her words sounded flat, still trying to control her emotions.]

I... Yesterday was the first time I've talked about them for a few years and now that I have... the nightmares are back.

[neverfeltthatway]

[Armin says nothing at first, just holding her and rubbing her back in soothing circles. After many long moments, he responds gently.]

I understand. Nightmares... I have them too, now. We're safe here. We're together, the three of us, and we're here for each other. None of us are going anywhere.

But I understand.

[inhisdebt]

I just... I keep seeing them die on me... I still hear my mother's voice telling me to run.... And then I think about the thought of losing you or Eren and...

[Burying her face into his chest.]

It hurts. I can't... I didn't mean to... talk about it. I didn't mean for the conversation to turn into my fears coming back to me. And now that it's happened, I'm not doing so well when it comes to forgetting... ignoring them.

But right now you need me and... Jean needs my help with Marco and... How can I preach about keeping emotions in check when I can't even do that right now? I can't let them get to me but it hurts, Armin.

i should have saved that icon for this tag. but this one also hurts, so it's okay

[neverfeltthatway]

I know. Shhh, 'kasa, I know. We're here, you're not going to lose us.

[Armin's voice is a little hoarse, tears running down his own cheeks now. He didn't see his parents murdered, but he still dreams about it, and his grandfather - how they must have died, terrified and alone and in vain. It's not just his own death he had nightmares about. He keeps it quiet, though - now it's his turn to be strong for Mikasa. One hand is resting against the back of her head, gently petting her hair as he holds her close.]

We're here for each other, 'kasa. It's okay not to be strong all the time. And maybe here... [He hesitates, voice growing quieter.] Maybe here, we don't have to forget.

[Maybe they should let it get to them - maybe keeping their emotions in check all the time is only hurting them. Either way, he just holds her even tighter.]

You could have used it still

[inhisdebt]

It's.... easier to go numb. It's easier not to think about it.... It's easier not to feel emotions... but I guess it was going to happen eventually. There's only so long that I'd be able to last like this.