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Entry tags:
VI ✖ ＫＩＬＬ 【Log】
Who: Mikasa Ackerman, Jean Kirstein, & Armin Alert
What: Mikasa feels bad about what happened in the early morning hours, even if it was something that needed to be done, so she makes the effort to try to make things better and also to talk to Armin about something.
When: March 5th
Where: Casa AoT originally while talking to Armin, but then going to talk to Jean later.
Style: Starting in 3rd, but I switching to 1st in comments.
[ A R M I N | E A R L I E R ]
Mikasa couldn't say that the morning argument they had was something that she was proud of, even if it was a bit short lived once Mikasa arrived. She'd wanted to go after Jean and apologize, but she had Armin to look after right now. She didn't like it... She didn't like Jean walking off in the middle of the early hours of morning to avoid the apartment again... She didn't like the fact that she'd felt that she'd done something bad even if it was necessary in that moment of time. She didn't like any of this conflict, and yet she was partially to blame because she'd known about it since Marco arrived and even before then but never said anything.
It was probably better to just rip off the band-aid so to speak, but she didn't think Marco was emotionally ready to hear about his death. Still, after attending to Armin and trying to calm him down and make him feel better in the early hours of the morning, they managed to finally sleep; though she'd ended up falling asleep next to Armin on the couch because she didn't want to wake Eren up and doubted that that was possible after that.
Given a few hours later for him to really calm down, she'd woken a little earlier than everyone else. It seems that even if the argument hadn't happened, she still wasn't likely to get much sleep after yesterday. Letting out a deep yawn, she faced the facts that she probably wasn't going to get much sleep even if she tried, so she just got up and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
Absent mindedly looking to the room that Jean stayed in in the tiny apartment, she let out a small sigh before setting down the glass to go see if he'd come back at some point. Still gone... He was... still gone... She made the mental note to go look for Jean, but for now she really needed to talk to Armin and not because of Marco this time...
Going over to Armin sleeping on the couch, she put the blanket she'd shared with him over him to cover him better, trying not to wake him up.
[ J E A N | L A T E R ]
After her talk with Armin, it left Mikasa even more confused about what to do. She didn't understand why she felt the way she did. She didn't know what to do. Armin had a girlfriend once before so she thought he'd be more help than the rest of the people here. Even so she was still unsure of what to do about this. She liked Jean. It had come to that conclusion and it was such a strange thought because... she never paid too much attention to him back home. Then again... back home they had a lot more pressing matters to keep themselves busy. There was no avoiding it here. His comfort and those dates they'd gone on meant a lot to her... A lot more than she'd ever thought they would.
And then he found out about her past somehow within their conversation yesterday. It was something that Mikasa didn't try to think too much about and really hadn't talked about it extensively in years. Between Eren and her... they weren't too keen on thinking about that day that he'd saved her because of the night terrors she'd experienced after it. Armin only knew the basics of what happened, but he was considerate enough not to say much about it either. And now that she had remembered everything (although it was almost impossible to forget) and talked about her parents for the first time in years... she hadn't really experienced night terrors.
They couldn't classify as night terrors anymore, the nightmares she'd gotten as a child were coming back to her. She was older now, but it didn't make them any less uncomfortable or easier to deal with. All that was certain was that sleeping had certainly become an issue after. Between that and what happened between Armin, Jean, and her... it made her restless. Still even if he knew what happened to her as a child now.... there was comfort in being able to just sort of... let it go. Physically contact was definitely a strange thing for Mikasa much at all, but his warm hand and his caring hugs did help her calm down a bit. It made her feel... a little better even.
She'd tried to look for him, but she didn't find him. Eventually she let out a sigh and tried to call him. This wasn't so much about her recent feelings surfacing as much as she wanted to tell him sorry. She wanted to talk to him about Marco again and... she knew he probably didn't want to. She felt that she needed to try to talk to him about what happened though. And she wanted to ask for his permission about her thoughts on what to do about Marco. During the time she couldn't sleep, she'd thought a lot about what to do.
Nothing. He didn't pick up. Trying again..., "Come up! Answer me please..."
What: Mikasa feels bad about what happened in the early morning hours, even if it was something that needed to be done, so she makes the effort to try to make things better and also to talk to Armin about something.
When: March 5th
Where: Casa AoT originally while talking to Armin, but then going to talk to Jean later.
Style: Starting in 3rd, but I switching to 1st in comments.
[ A R M I N | E A R L I E R ]
Mikasa couldn't say that the morning argument they had was something that she was proud of, even if it was a bit short lived once Mikasa arrived. She'd wanted to go after Jean and apologize, but she had Armin to look after right now. She didn't like it... She didn't like Jean walking off in the middle of the early hours of morning to avoid the apartment again... She didn't like the fact that she'd felt that she'd done something bad even if it was necessary in that moment of time. She didn't like any of this conflict, and yet she was partially to blame because she'd known about it since Marco arrived and even before then but never said anything.
It was probably better to just rip off the band-aid so to speak, but she didn't think Marco was emotionally ready to hear about his death. Still, after attending to Armin and trying to calm him down and make him feel better in the early hours of the morning, they managed to finally sleep; though she'd ended up falling asleep next to Armin on the couch because she didn't want to wake Eren up and doubted that that was possible after that.
Given a few hours later for him to really calm down, she'd woken a little earlier than everyone else. It seems that even if the argument hadn't happened, she still wasn't likely to get much sleep after yesterday. Letting out a deep yawn, she faced the facts that she probably wasn't going to get much sleep even if she tried, so she just got up and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
Absent mindedly looking to the room that Jean stayed in in the tiny apartment, she let out a small sigh before setting down the glass to go see if he'd come back at some point. Still gone... He was... still gone... She made the mental note to go look for Jean, but for now she really needed to talk to Armin and not because of Marco this time...
Going over to Armin sleeping on the couch, she put the blanket she'd shared with him over him to cover him better, trying not to wake him up.
[ J E A N | L A T E R ]
After her talk with Armin, it left Mikasa even more confused about what to do. She didn't understand why she felt the way she did. She didn't know what to do. Armin had a girlfriend once before so she thought he'd be more help than the rest of the people here. Even so she was still unsure of what to do about this. She liked Jean. It had come to that conclusion and it was such a strange thought because... she never paid too much attention to him back home. Then again... back home they had a lot more pressing matters to keep themselves busy. There was no avoiding it here. His comfort and those dates they'd gone on meant a lot to her... A lot more than she'd ever thought they would.
And then he found out about her past somehow within their conversation yesterday. It was something that Mikasa didn't try to think too much about and really hadn't talked about it extensively in years. Between Eren and her... they weren't too keen on thinking about that day that he'd saved her because of the night terrors she'd experienced after it. Armin only knew the basics of what happened, but he was considerate enough not to say much about it either. And now that she had remembered everything (although it was almost impossible to forget) and talked about her parents for the first time in years... she hadn't really experienced night terrors.
They couldn't classify as night terrors anymore, the nightmares she'd gotten as a child were coming back to her. She was older now, but it didn't make them any less uncomfortable or easier to deal with. All that was certain was that sleeping had certainly become an issue after. Between that and what happened between Armin, Jean, and her... it made her restless. Still even if he knew what happened to her as a child now.... there was comfort in being able to just sort of... let it go. Physically contact was definitely a strange thing for Mikasa much at all, but his warm hand and his caring hugs did help her calm down a bit. It made her feel... a little better even.
She'd tried to look for him, but she didn't find him. Eventually she let out a sigh and tried to call him. This wasn't so much about her recent feelings surfacing as much as she wanted to tell him sorry. She wanted to talk to him about Marco again and... she knew he probably didn't want to. She felt that she needed to try to talk to him about what happened though. And she wanted to ask for his permission about her thoughts on what to do about Marco. During the time she couldn't sleep, she'd thought a lot about what to do.
Nothing. He didn't pick up. Trying again..., "Come up! Answer me please..."
no subject
Jean.... Forgive me for this but.... [She sat up properly now as she took his hand in hers.] I don't think this is going to be any good for any of us when things are this complicated and especially not Marco so I...
I want to ask for your permission, because I know how you feel about the subject better than everyone else... I'd like to tell him...
It'll hurt and I'd love to act like nothing is wrong, but it's clear that he knows that's not the case... I think he'd be a little hurt at first, but... it'll be easier for him to... [Okay... What's a good word to use for this.... Preferably without testing his patience further.] cope better rather than if he found out some other way later on.
I can do it if you'd be comfortable with me doing it. I know how hard it is for you, but maybe this will ease the pressure on you too? I don't want to do it without you consenting to it though.
[Even before all of this, she still feels the same way about this; Except now with all the drama and pain and everything else going on because of it... It's getting harder to simply ignore it ever happened.]
And if... you'd rather tell him... I'll be there for you the entire time so you don't have to worry as much. I just feel at this point this is the better option for Marco's well being...
no subject
I can't do that. You can't do that to him. Is this about me avoiding the apartment? [He looks annoyed, his voice rising in volume. Annoyed he can do. Anger makes sense.] Look, I can come back if it's that big a deal. We don't have to get Marco involved in this.
We're not telling him anything! [How many times had he repeated those words in the last 24 hours? Desperate, he ran a hand through his hair and stood up.]
Can you promise me you won't tell him?
no subject
[It was pretty clear on her face that she was a little hurt by that. Even if none of this happened, she'd still feel the same way. Standing up too, maybe they should remember that they're in a public space, but that's not on her mind right now.]
I know it's hard, but I think he deserves to know.... This is causing him more harm than good, Jean. He's wondering why his best friend hates him or at least is constantly mad when best friends don't usually act this way. That's hurting him too. He's wondering why everyone else is acting strange around him and I can tell he's getting suspicious. I'm all for keeping it from him if it means sparing him the pain, but how long is that actually going to work?
[Shaking her head resolutely.]
I'm sorry, I can't promise that. But I promise that I won't do it without making sure you're okay with it. I'm not that heartless to just tell him without thinking about your feelings on the matter, but maybe you're not thinking of his enough.
What's the better approach to this if you were in his footsteps, Jean?
[And then for how loud she had gotten in the midst of this, her voice finally goes quiet.]
Please... I think this is what's best for him. For everyone. I can do it if you can't because I know I'd be able to calm him down better than what you could. And then he'd understand why you're so tentative and protective of him. Surely he could understand why you've been acting the way you have...
no subject
I know that... I know you wouldn't do that.
[He knew the better approach and what he'd want if it were him. He prided himself in being honest, even at the expense of others' feelings, so of course he'd want--]
Because he's dead? [He fixed her with a unreadable stare, his voice sounding hollow even to his own ears.] Because he's less than a fucking corpse back on our world, and he was murdered in the most gruesome way possible. You think he'd understand that? Because if I can't even handle it, and I'm not the one who experienced it first-hand-- How is he supposed to understand that?
no subject
You know.... Maybe I don't know a thing...? I mean... I'm not as close to him as you were... but I know if I had ever died and people were acting strangely around me but wouldn't tell me why... Or they would say it wasn't me but just something they were dealing with themselves, I'd still feel like it had to do something with me in the end...
I'd want to know, because it's easier to deal with a shit situation -- no matter how painful it is -- than it is to just pretend that people acting strangely around me is normal. And if I were in his shoes.... If I found out later on that it had happened, but everyone knew about it this entire time... I'd feel hurt that nobody told me something that important. I'd wonder if it's because they don't trust me when that's not the case.
[Finally looking back to his face.]
But you know what? I'm not Marco so I can't speak for him. I know you're mad at Armin right now, but when I heard he'd been murdered before and hurt on more than a few occasions.... I wanted to hunt whoever did it down. It was because Armin asked me specifically not to because it wasn't something the people actually wanted to do that I let it go.
Honestly.... I've told you about how I felt about this, but I still feel terrible for not being there for him when he needed me the most. In the end though, I can deal with all of this better knowing it now and it's not easy but I have to do the best I can.
Who said you actually have to tell him the gruesome details? Sure he might ask if you told him about his death, but you can leave things out, you know. But what do I know? You know him better than I do, so I guess I have no room to speak.
[She didn't even realize her shaking or even those tears in the corner of her eyes until one rolled down her cheek. Quickly realizing it, she wiped it away.]
I guess I just... can't keep things from becoming serious like this... I'm sorry.
[The door. She needed to get to the door. Her Flight or Fight instincts were telling her to run this time.. She knew she shouldn't but she's done enough damage, hasn't she? She never intended on all of this.... And her mental state wasn't exactly the clearest right now.]
no subject
This isn't about Armin, other than the fact he wants to tell Marco despite not even being there himself. It's about Marco.
[This was just fucking great. What was the record for dating someone and then breaking up, because he thought he might have it if things kept going in this direction. He was too tired to deal with this. Normally, he'd feel like shit at seeing Mikasa cry, and he still did. But he didn't have the energy, not when they were talking about Marco. Marco dying, Marco's corpse, the smell of charred flesh and bones--
He didn't want her sorries. He didn't want excuses. And now she was running away.]
None of you were there!
[He practically roared, slamming both hands down on the table. He didn't care if the cafe just went silent, or that they're in public. They could get the fuck out if it bothered them so much. He wasn't even paying attention. It was all a blur. All he knew was everything was going to hell, again, and he didn't realize it, but his hands were shaking.]
Don't talk to me about room to speak. You all act as if you know better, but you weren't--you didn't see it! He was my best friend, and now he hates my fucking guts, and I can deal with that if it means he's safe, I actually get to see him smiling again instead of--instead of nothing.
[This place was too fucking small. He had to get out. Someone was behind him, asking him to calm down, but he didn't pay attention, pushing them out of his way. All he knew as he had to leave, but not the same way Mikasa was going, because he didn't want to get close enough to see her tears, or face another reminder of how much he had fucked up.]
no subject
Before actually leaving, despite her tears, she showed a mix of emotions coming all at once; Frustration the most.]
That's not the fucking point and you know it. I've been through enough shit to understand to!
Would you just prefer if I just say fuck it all and stop trying all together?! I told you it's easier to feel numb than feel nothing at all, so I might as well. If so, I'll never bring up the topic again and if whatever happens in the long run, I'll just let it happen. I won't say anything and I won't do anything. So I hope that makes some sort of difference because nothing I say does.
So fine. Do what you want about it? If you want to talk about it when we're not this frustrated and tired? Fine. But I'm done. Don't worry though, I won't say anything to Marco and I damn well won't do anything about it.
Feeling numb is what I do best.
[Getting out of that out before he left before her, slamming the door behind her to make good distance from him. All she wanted was to please everyone and obviously that wasn't working.
Damn it! Where was her gear when she needed it. She needed to vent her frustrations and right now all she wanted to do was just slash at inanimate objects.]