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09 BRAINS ; anonymous text
Back home, I had a purpose. I had focus. Something to make my life feel like it's not just myself I'm looking out for. Now that I'm here, I still have to do the same reprehensible things I did back home. The difference here is I have no way of making it a part of some greater good. I do what I can to give some good back to society to make up for what I have to do but it seems like all I manage to do things that make things seem more bleak. Add in the severe lack of hope I have for any lasting life changes here, the inability to actually have a future for myself or relationships, and living with the only person who could possibly make me feel worse, and I'm a bag of cheesy poofs away from living on the couch.
How does someone motivate him or herself here? How do I make up for doing something I know is terrible even if it's better than the alternative? How do I keep myself from becoming a monster who feeds on others and doesn't help anyone but myself when I don't have anything real to give in this world?
The one thing that made me "me," the one thing I was confident I could make a difference with isn't an option, so how do I define myself when I have no idea what makes me anything but disgusting?
How does someone motivate him or herself here? How do I make up for doing something I know is terrible even if it's better than the alternative? How do I keep myself from becoming a monster who feeds on others and doesn't help anyone but myself when I don't have anything real to give in this world?
The one thing that made me "me," the one thing I was confident I could make a difference with isn't an option, so how do I define myself when I have no idea what makes me anything but disgusting?
[Private]
I do enjoy doing that. Except, again, people die here and just wake up and already know who killed them.
Dead-ish. It doesn't hurt because I can't really feel anything. Scratches, blood, sex- anything like that is a big no. Which means no relationships. I can't tell my friends or family because, surprise, people tend to see the aforementioned "reprehensible behavior" as something only monsters do. It's too much of a risk to professionally do what I spent my entire life learning due to the risk of infection, and frankly it affects my mind too. In ways I can't predict. Sometimes ways that drive people away or hurt me. So suffering may not be a physical pain, but it's definitely a factor.
He knows how to do good things. He chooses to do things that benefit him whether it's at the expense of other people or not.