shadows_decend (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fade_to_black) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
genessia2016-07-06 12:17 am
fade_to_black) wrote in genessia2016-07-06 12:17 am
log
Who Blake and YOU
What Training and tattoos, multiple scenarios
When Afternoon
Where Genessia
Warning n/a, slight mentions of Battler but nothing graphic or trigger inducing - will update if that changes
a) Genessia, Outskirts
Blake focused on the clone in front of her,a bead of sweat rolling down her forehead. It flickered and she gritted her teeth. She was trying to make it to a minute. At least a minute, before it faded. She had done it when her back was against the wall. She could do it again. She tried to make another and the minute the second appeared the other faded.
She let out a shout of frustration and sank to her knees. Why couldn't she get it? She had done it before. Did she literally have to have her life hanging in the balance to be able to push herself again? She wiped the sweat off of her face roughly as though it was the rivulets of water dripping down her face that were to blame. She got up and retrieved her water bottle from under a nearby tree.
As far as anyone knew, Blake was out book hunting. And she would after this. So it wasn't a complete lie. She just didn't want anybody treating her like she was too fragile to train. She had been out of the hospital a week. Besides, it also gave her some alone time to focus her mind. Ever since she had got back she had these weird bouts of both wanting to be around people and then suddenly wanting the be far away from them
She gulped her water, a breeze lifting her dark hair. Then she stood and got ready to go at it again
b) Window Shopping for tatoos!
Blake stood with her face buried in a book - not a novel for once. An art book. It was any idea she had been toying with for a while. She got tired of flinching every time she saw that ugly brand on her arm. It wasn't just the memory. It was the idea that that demon had changed something, altered something on her own body without her permission. Every time she saw it her stomach twisted in anger. Not just because of what he did, but because she knew that her reaction was probably the exact reason he marked her.
She could probably find someone who knew how to get rid of it. But something about a tattoo just seemed...how could she explain it? Like another permanent mark, she supposed, but one she'd put there hereself. One that would symbolize that there was something better in the world than the horror she'd survived.
Maybe she's look at it , think it over. She had not even told Yang this yet.
c) freestyle/choose your own adventure
What Training and tattoos, multiple scenarios
When Afternoon
Where Genessia
Warning n/a, slight mentions of Battler but nothing graphic or trigger inducing - will update if that changes
a) Genessia, Outskirts
Blake focused on the clone in front of her,a bead of sweat rolling down her forehead. It flickered and she gritted her teeth. She was trying to make it to a minute. At least a minute, before it faded. She had done it when her back was against the wall. She could do it again. She tried to make another and the minute the second appeared the other faded.
She let out a shout of frustration and sank to her knees. Why couldn't she get it? She had done it before. Did she literally have to have her life hanging in the balance to be able to push herself again? She wiped the sweat off of her face roughly as though it was the rivulets of water dripping down her face that were to blame. She got up and retrieved her water bottle from under a nearby tree.
As far as anyone knew, Blake was out book hunting. And she would after this. So it wasn't a complete lie. She just didn't want anybody treating her like she was too fragile to train. She had been out of the hospital a week. Besides, it also gave her some alone time to focus her mind. Ever since she had got back she had these weird bouts of both wanting to be around people and then suddenly wanting the be far away from them
She gulped her water, a breeze lifting her dark hair. Then she stood and got ready to go at it again
b) Window Shopping for tatoos!
Blake stood with her face buried in a book - not a novel for once. An art book. It was any idea she had been toying with for a while. She got tired of flinching every time she saw that ugly brand on her arm. It wasn't just the memory. It was the idea that that demon had changed something, altered something on her own body without her permission. Every time she saw it her stomach twisted in anger. Not just because of what he did, but because she knew that her reaction was probably the exact reason he marked her.
She could probably find someone who knew how to get rid of it. But something about a tattoo just seemed...how could she explain it? Like another permanent mark, she supposed, but one she'd put there hereself. One that would symbolize that there was something better in the world than the horror she'd survived.
Maybe she's look at it , think it over. She had not even told Yang this yet.
c) freestyle/choose your own adventure
no subject
"He tortured me, made me watch people I cared about be tortured, and then he tortured me more and killed me. I don't really want to talk about the details, but I'm not okay. I'm running because it clears my head and I feel like if I run far enough I won't be able to feel anything and I'll be able to go back to Nova City without being terrified because Battler knows where I live. He knows where I sleep, where I eat, where all of my friends are, and it may not be my fault that he did those things but he certainly knows how to pick his victims and the only reason I made that announcement was to force myself to have to leave hiding because I can't keep making Sun take care of me, as nice as he's being about it. I feel worthless and helpless and all I can see when I see you or anyone else who was there is what he was doing to you and I can't breathe-"
Weiss's hands moved up to her face to cover her mouth, slowly squatting down with her legs closed to try to force herself to breathe slowly into her hands. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6.. Weiss counted the second in her head as she tried to calm herself down. She'd meant it when she'd told Blake she wasn't blaming herself over text. She was just so badly broken that she couldn't handle memory triggers yet, even if she's trying-- and he made sure that those people she'd once considered safe, people who she cared for, became those. The warmth created from her breath in her hands at least helps her to feel warmer, a little safer. It stopped her from shaking.
no subject
She crouched down to where Weiss was. "That's easy to fix. We move. I'm not particularly attached to any one place in particular, I'm so used to moving."
The last place she had let herself grow sentimental over was Beacon.
"I wish I felt something," she said. "I do sometimes. I'm mad at myself. I trained so much swearing that I'd never be weak again and this happens. But the rest of the time I'm empty. I don't if that's good, if I've gotten stronger, or if it's denial,or I'm just used to horrible things or if there is just something very, very wrong with me. I get angry and I have nightmares. But when I'm awake I don't feel anything, Weiss."
She bites her lip. She hasn't even told Yang that. She doesn't know how to. The good feelings she has, like when she's with her girlfriend are still there. But what if one day she stops feeling everything? Is her choice to either become so broken that she can barely take care of herself like Jaune or to become some unfeeling stone person? It's like she's disconnected and can't reconnect. She wishes in some strange way that she could break down and cry. All she can do is keep busy instead. And she doesn't even know how to comfort her friend. That's the worst part.
"I wish I had some answers,"she said, hopelessly. "Except that if you can look at me now, try to burn it into your mind that even though I went through that, I survived. And so did you. But I don't have a better answer right now. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I can't even cry."
no subject
Weiss quieted down while Blake spoke. No one came for her this time. No one saved her, and she died, and when Blake says that she survived, that's when Weiss blurts out something that she hadn't meant to.
"I didn't want to come back. When I was dead, I felt safe for the first time in a long time. I chose to come back to keep a promise to a friend. I'm not sure survived is the right word, Blake. I tried to shut down, though. I did for days until Sun came and got me and made sure I couldn't, made sure I didn't cut myself off from everyone because it's safer, but now I just feel... everything, constantly, and I keep thinking about how quiet it would've been if I hadn't come back."
Was this surviving? Or was it just passing the time until she died again, so she could change her mind about keeping that promise? Weiss honestly wasn't sure, and the reason she kept breaking down, having panic attacks, and night terrors, and everything.. It all just kept making her wish that her mind would be quiet.
Weiss took a slow breath and looked up over her hands and Blake.
"I wish I could feel numb, Blake. I want to. Instead I feel hatred. I feel angry and violent. I wanted to hurt Karla when she started talking about moving forward just like that, as if she wasn't affected at all. I feel like if I fought someone, I might not stop just because their aura's low or they're down. I want to see Battler bleed, and the worst part is I keep thinking of him as Battler. As my boyfriend. I still care about him. I care about him and I want to go get that special sword David got for me that's infused with a soul-eating spirit just to see what it'd do to someone like him. I'm not sure what part of me survived this, Blake."
no subject
But when Weiss says what she says about not feeling she explodes, "You wish you felt like this?! You think it would fix anything? I attacked Koishi earlier today, Weiss, just because she surprised me. If she'd have been anyone else, I might have killed them. I'm thinking about not going back. Because I don't know if it'll be Yang I attack next time. Or you. I know exactly how you feel about Battler because I feel that way about Adam. Or did. I don't know. Even if I don't love him now I loved him once. And it feels horrible, maybe it's even the worst feeling in the world, but if you feel something you can at least deal with it. I feel like I am dead. But it doesn't make me feel safe."
no subject
Weiss's voice wasn't flat like Blake's. She was practically screaming her words. It conflicted with her actions, she knew. It was the opposite of everything she'd said in her post. There was no part of her that felt strong, that felt like what she was doing was going to make any difference anymore.
Weiss stands up finally and reaches for her hip, drawing Myrtenaster and taking a step back from Blake. In hindsight, it was probably the stupidest idea she'd ever had to bring a weapon with her when she was feeling this way.
"Attack me! See if you can kill me. If you don't, then we'll move like you said, and just.. start fresh, and we can go on hating ourselves and I'll keep wishing everything would just be quiet and you can keep wishing it was loud, but you'll know even if you attack me I'm not so weak that I can't at least hold you off. I'll know I can keep showing everyone that I'm trying and maybe I'll start to believe it myself. If you do kill me, maybe I won't have to wake up tomorrow to this place where everyone I care about leaves and forgets me over and over and that's the happy ending I have to look forward to here because the only other options are dying or forgetting myself- which are practically the same thing. At the very least I figure that should help you feel something other than numb."
Weiss didn't really plan on dying. As much as she felt terrible, she knew better. She knew that she had at least a thing or two to keep fighting for, even if she couldn't change how she felt. She had two years on Blake that everyone seemed to forget about that she hasn't been slacking on training during and she had a lot of altered techniques-- things her team hadn't even seen her fight with because they hadn't fought side-by-side since getting here. They were barely a team so much as a handful of girls who didn't know how to keep moving forward together anymore. Weiss didn't know how to fix that, or if it was worth fixing, but even she knew that losing this fight wouldn't help.
What she did know was what Dracula had taught her when he was trying to help her with her summoning, misguided an attempt as it had been: the one moment when any living being with a will to live can feel more strongly than anything else is the last moment before it thinks it may die. It hadn't been her plan, it'd been more of a kneejerk reaction fueled by the intense anger and need to hurt something that had been building up inside Weiss since that day, but maybe it would help. Nothing else seemed like it would, so maybe for a second she can help Blake feel something. Maybe some part of Weiss can feel like she's still capable of helping anyone if she can.
no subject
At that beach party with Yang had been the happiest she had ever been in a long time and now she didn't know if she'd ever feel that way again. And it was only a matter of time before the blond figured out just how much of Blake's 'okay-ness' she was faking because Blake couldn't tell her the truth, couldn't do that to her. She'd just gotten her arm back!
And now Weiss was standing here trying to get her to kill her. Didn't she hear her when she'd told her what she'd nearly done to Koi? Or had Weiss forgotton that they were in same boat in regard to the rules to this world? She hadn't even heard a peep from Ruby which was unusual and disturbing.
She glared at the Schnee girl. "In our condition neither of us should fight anyone and in your mental state, who knows? You'd probably lose. But use someone else to be your tool."
She's gotten enough of being used as weapon before coming to Beacon, thanks.
no subject
"I think I've got two more years experience fighting and training than you while we're here and my mental state trusts you not to kill me even if I lose, even in yours. You could never be my tool, Blake, no matter how I feel. Besides, most of what I remember is you yelling for me to run. I don't think you could kill me if you had me on my back without a weapon and no aura. Definitely not without trying. I may not.. feel right and things are coming out of my mouth that I can't- I don't know how to stop feeling this way, I may wish for those things and not want them at the same time. I don't know, but that doesn't mean I think you'll actually do it."
no subject
She clenched her fists. Anger was one of the things she did still feel off and on and when she did it was terrible. She wanted to hit Weiss right now. And that was exactly why it was a bad idea.
no subject
Weiss didn't know what else to do. Sharing her feelings, as bad as they were, wasn't going to help Blake. It wasn't going to help her. Blake had already made it clear that Weiss's feelings weren't acceptable, so Weiss was going to at least try to do what she could. It would be lying to say that she didn't want to get lost in the violence but trying was one of the few things Weiss was good at, whether she failed or succeeded or made things worse. At least she tried.
no subject
She hadn't just reacted out of fear when she had nearly skewered Koishi. She had reacted out of anger and wanting to hurt someone for trying to hurt her. She wasn't saying she would have killed.
She also wasn't sure she wouldn't have. In that moment that she had struck, she had been so angry, she'd have done anything not to be taken again and tied up and....she swallowed.
She closed her eyes and pushed her feelings back. She both wanted to feel and didn't. Without them she was empty, but when they came back she wasn't sure who she'd be. What if she became something like Adam? She couldn't bare that.
no subject
Weiss wasn't sure how much that meant to Blake, or anyone else right now. She knew her judgment of character was apparently questionable at best nowadays. There weren't many people she was confident in her trust of nowadays, but Blake was one of them.
Weiss lowered her sword slightly, looking to the side. She didn't know what to do. She'd been hoping Blake would really fight her, but if the other girl doesn't want to, she's not going to attack her anyway.
"I'm sorry for what I said. Not the trusting you part, just.. everything else."
no subject
Blake wasn't sure what she was going to do with herself. She wasn't even sure if she should return home. That would hurt Yang. But not as bad her accidentally hurting Yang would. Despite what Weiss said, Blake didn't trust herself at all right now.
no subject
"I know you too, Blake." But Blake wasn't hearing her arguing, was she? Weiss shook her head, trying to think. She reached up and pushed some of her hair back, the strands not staying as well-put as they did when she had it in her normal hairstyle. "If you're that worried, spar in Attleton's Colosseum, not Genessia City. If you kill someone there, it doesn't stick. There's no consequences, they walk out the same time you do with no injuries no matter how bad it gets. If you're worried, practice there until you can control yourself again. Would that help?"
no subject
It was the practical solution. And typical of Weiss to be practical even when the other girl was dealing with her own mess.
"What will you do in the mean time?"
She didn't know how to help Weiss. Or Jaune. Or anyone. She just knew how to act stronger than she was and hope people believed it.
no subject
"Try to talk to the others. Not breakdown in front of them, as a general goal. Hopefully make it back to Nova City soon and pretend like I know what I'm doing because there's no one else to do it. Maybe get Sun a fruit basket on the way home, in more immediate ideas."