🌙 Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.

[its_dad_sanzo]

Who: Genjyo Sanzo, Koumyou Sanzo, Amberdrake.
What: OP & thread 1: Koumyou Sanzo visits his son in the middle of the night. Thread 2: Drake and Sanzo talk about Koumyou and briefly about what went down in thread 1. Thread 3: Koumyou and Sanzo talking some more.
Where: Drake and Sanzo's house in Attleton.
When: OP & thread 1: The same night as Singles Night, after Koumyou eventually leaves. Thread 2: Around noon, the day after. Thread 3: Evening of the same day as thread 2.
Warnings: FEELS. Angst, suicide mention, probably Warm And Fuzzy Feelings, y'know, the whole gamut.

It was very late at night when Koumyou glanced up to find himself having wandered to his son's house. The intense moonlight lit the cozy little cottage enough to make it impossible to not know where he was.

But, it was far too late at night.

He wouldn't knock.

Koumyou sat down on the wide, circular short step before the door, and sighed quietly. He tucked his legs half-under him, and wondered what he was doing, just sitting out here on the cold stone. In the morning, he could call Kouryuu from his apartment, hear his voice. Right now? There was nothing to do but lurk, and wallow in his own sadness.

Between the other night at the shrine with the little golden dragon, and several more instances tonight, he'd spoken of his death and the burden it had left on his young son many times, recently. Too many times...

He was no therapist, like Amberdrake. Ripping open his own wounds constantly wore on him far faster than it did the kestra'chern. Right now, he just wanted to be near his son. And so here he sat, breath fogging in the cold air.

The sun would rise when the sun would rise. And perhaps the moon would still be out when he did.

Comments

[badly_behaved_priest]

Sanzo didn't answer, he refused to look at Koumyou. The image of his master torn apart was so clear in his mind, he couldn't risk Koumyou seeing the distant, pained look in his eyes. It was harder to hide when he looked him in the eye.

[its_dad_sanzo]

Koumyou reached his hand across the table, past the steaming plate of food. "Kouryuu..."

[badly_behaved_priest]

A barely visible shudder ran through Sanzo before he could shut down his reaction completely. He clenched his teeth, frustrated by his own weakness. His pride made it such a struggle to be honest in so many things, this especially.

"I thought talking about that night was the problem?" His voice was still smooth and unaffected, he needed control.

[its_dad_sanzo]

"Kouryuu," Koumyou repeated, his hand staying outreached.

[badly_behaved_priest]

Sanzo took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. It took more out of him than he realized to reject Koumyou like he was so used to doing to others. He moved his own hand in range of Koumyou's. Even with his father it was hard to be anything but passive when it came to showing any closeness.

[its_dad_sanzo]

Koumyou took Sanzo's hand in his and gave it a squeeze. He was still colder than the younger monk, from being outside, but at least he wasn't miserably chilled anymore.

"There is no way," Koumyou said very deliberately, "that I could have possibly kept going if I'd outlived you. You are my son."

[badly_behaved_priest]

Sanzo closed his eyes, willing all the awful, sharp feelings that those words brought to stay back. There was a part of him, too, that was felt bittersweet at hearing that. It was difficult to describe, even to himself, how important Koumyou was to him, he couldn't imagine being near as important to his master in turn.

"I-" -could have done something. Koumyou was capable, an actual Sanzo priest, no one would deny that Koumyou would be better suited for that hellish journey west than he was. Beyond Sanzo's personal grief, it was such a grievous waste that Koumyou was lost and Sanzo took his place.

He wasn't worth Koumyou's death.

He couldn't bring himself to say that.

[its_dad_sanzo]

Koumyou opened his mouth to say something... closed it. Opened it again... closed it again.

He wasn't an Empath; wasn't getting any particular information out of the silence. Nor was he a therapist, who could glean so much without the magical ability to feel others' emotions. Perhaps he should let Sanzo's 'roommate' handle this... but, no.

He was Sanzo's father, and the one who had died.

"Ten others were in my class, in training to become Sanzos. All were my friends, and all of them died, most of them in front of me. Two of them after attaining the rank with me," Koumyou rubbed his thumb over Sanzo's captured hand. "You... I couldn't let my son join them."

[badly_behaved_priest]

This wasn't an issue Sanzo could see clearly, his memories of that night brought up the panic, dread, and intense need to protect, how powerless he was when he most needed to be more. He could smell blood and rain and his mouth felt dry.

"It would've been better. Had I," he said in a low voice, like he didn't want Koumyou to hear it. He didn't. But it was the truth.

[its_dad_sanzo]

Koumyou did not release Sanzo's hand, but he stood up abruptly enough to send the chair he'd been in clattering to the floor. He circled around the table and grabbed Sanzo in an almost-crushing hug.

The ceremonial bamboo breastplate of a Sanzo priest wasn't the most comfortable thing to be squished up against, but at least there was the blanket still draped over his shoulders to pad it.

"No."

[badly_behaved_priest]

Sanzo jerked his head to the side to stare at Koumyou when the chair smacked against the floor and the other priest moved too fast for him to recoil from the hug. This closeness was the last thing he felt he deserved, he couldn't even make himself tell Koumyou how many times his sacrifice had nearly gone to waste. A god had stepped in once when guilt had overwhelmed him enough to make a stupid, stupid decision.

"You know-" He didn't want to argue about this, it only made them both suffer. And yet he didn't want to lie and pretend that Koumyou's death wasn't so terrible for their world.

"Master, stop," he said with no conviction or venom. He could not understand why Koumyou couldn't let this drop.

His arm looped around Koumyou and he told himself it was only for Koumyou's sake.

[its_dad_sanzo]

"You picked that tiny gun because it was just the right size to blow your own brains out," Koumyou squeezed Sanzo tighter, "but you didn't. I don't care how close you came, or how many times you came that close. You didn't. You lived. I would not have. If I'd had to watch you die..."

Koumyou had watched so many friends die, had tried to distance himself from the concept of attachment... but it had been a coping mechanism, and nothing else. He'd imparted it to Ukoku, and look what it had done to him. He'd imparted it to Sanzo, and look what it had almost done to him!

"The one Buddhist lesson I ever taught, was total bullshit."

[badly_behaved_priest]

Sanzo let his head drop, almost touching Koumyou's shoulder. Looking at Koumyou's face, directly, hurt. Koumyou proded at things that had tormented Sanzo for over a decade and had shaped how he was as a person. He'd reinterpreted "hold nothing" until he could handle it without risking going against his master's teaching. That was his way, how he faced the world. And he knew it was a way to channel his pride into protecting himself from pain.

"Alright." He didn't know what else to say, there was too much changing all at once. Something inside him had shifted. Not much, not far, but it brought him both pain and relief. It was difficult to accept, all at once, what Koumyou was saying. That would take time.

His embrace tightened.

[its_dad_sanzo]

Koumyou wouldn't blame Sanzo for using his pride to protect himself, of course. It worked, didn't it? Certainly far better than when his eyes had been dead, after Koumyou's death.

"Dying brings a certain clarity, I suppose," Koumyou added a touch wryly. He knew he'd rarely been so direct in Sanzo's entire memory! But before that, well, Houmei had nearly killed one of his own instructors for endangering his friend, hadn't he?

He was still Koumyou Sanzo. There was no escaping that until reincarnation got 'hold of him properly. But in this other world, after having died, he was also free to let a bit of his old self out, too. Before his title, before his change of name... Houmei still existed in there, too.

Unlike Ukoku, not everyone ate their past selves. Though Koumyou had thought he had, up until that moment of death...

[badly_behaved_priest]

Sanzo shuddered again, more obviously this time. His eyes held a look not dissimilar to the one they held not long after Koumyou had died. Yet not close enough, they weren't dead but sad, his grief plain as it rarely was. Even Drake only saw his emotions so clearly through Empathy or in dreams.

He raised his head and dared to look Koumyou in the face, as he'd been avoiding through most of the conversation.

"For you. I don't intend to find out if that's true anytime soon." Sad eyes aside, his haughtiness was still there, though softened. He spoke with that pride but it was a promise to not let that guilt eat him alive as it almost had many times before.

[its_dad_sanzo]

Koumyou managed a smile down at his son at that, open-eyed, visibly proud. "Good."

...

And then his stomach growled.

[badly_behaved_priest]

Sanzo shook his head, relieved. Some things he and Koumyou needed to talk about and deal with, but it was good to have a break from that. Koumyou's stomach growling didn't exactly lighten the mood, it was a handy distraction, however.

"Eat something."

[its_dad_sanzo]

"At least some things haven't changed," Koumyou laughed, but the sound was gentle; normal. "You're still so bossy!"

[badly_behaved_priest]

"You still need someone to manage you," Sanzo growled back. Honestly. He tried not to think of how much Drake did to try to get Sanzo to eat like a normal, healthy person.

[its_dad_sanzo]

"I suppose that didn't change with death," Koumyou admitted, but he gave Sanzo one last air-draining squeeze in their hug before he released him to toddle back around to the other side of the table, wrapped in a blanket like an old man.

He tsk'd at the fallen chair as though he hadn't knocked it over himself, and bent to pick it back up.

[badly_behaved_priest]

Sanzo leaned back in his chair and sighed softly, hoping Koumyou wouldn't hear it. His brain was full of too much to process all at once. He'd have to give himself time to work through it all. If he could make himself do it, he could talk to Drake about this all. He probably wouldn't.

"You should stay for the night."

[its_dad_sanzo]

"Ah?" Koumyou inquired, fork lifted halfway to his mouth. Graceful, Koumyou. "You think so?"

[badly_behaved_priest]

"It's already late and we have a spare room." Duh, simple enough. It was best for both of them if Koumyou stayed, anyway, after all that.

[its_dad_sanzo]

"Okay," that was an extremely easy sell. Koumyou didn't mind more time around his son, even just being in the same house was nice. He finally started eating.

"You know, one funny thing did come of all the dark conversations tonight," he said in between properly-swallowed mouthfuls of food. "I mentioned to someone that if I was reincarnated, I'd be... well, younger. What if I became your student!"

[badly_behaved_priest]

Sanzo made a disgusted sound at the idea, mostly just to keep up his asshole veneer. That was an odd thing to think about, he wouldn't even know it was Koumyou! He didn't think he was very qualified to be dealing with children anyway.

"I have enough to look after without taking on a student. I have one clingy monkey and I didn't even want that one." Stupid, blockheaded gluttonous jackass Goku was. Sanzo was annoyed with how much he missed him.