Video

[bigbadrose]

Hey so, bit of a weird question. Anyone here ever heard of Torchwood, and could maybe point me how to get back to contacting the local branch? That'd be really handy, yeah?

Year and star system coordinates would also be fantastic, but I'm not holdin' my breath waitin'.

[Bites her bottom lip in thought.]

[She doesn't even know which universe this is. Much less how she got here without a dimension cannon or where everyone she was with went. Maybe they're here. But then maybe even saying their name depending on the universe is dangerous. Luckily, she's had 5+ years (give or take for literal dimension rewinds and time in the vortex) of experience in learning how to do codes.]

Here's a fairytale you've probably never heard before.

Once upon a time there was a big bad wolf. She wandered a city of metal filled with metal men. [Too dangerous to even say the world cyberman until she learned more!] She thought she was on a mission to hunt down her lost prince. But she was actually on a mission to find home. Bit like Dorothy from Wizard of Oz if you know it. And one day she met a man who wasn't a prince at all. He was a very brainy professor. There was even another man who started off as a mouse but turned into a lion full of courage, saving worlds he never even knew existed. And a really flirty captain who was probably too pretty for his own good. They weren't off to find a wizard. Just a blue box.

The big bad wolf ran away from home and her pack over and over and over again, but no matter how many times she ran, and how many new friends she made or which universe she fell into, something was always calling her back. 'Pparently you can't escape your family that easily. That or the Big Bad Wolf's mum was seriously terrifying and would fight a werewolf for diamonds and totally win.

Thanks for listening, Ta!

Comments

[im_with_stupid]

"If he's in a room with River? You could toss for who has everyone's attention from moment to moment. When he's grandstanding, it's him, once she pulls a gun, however, it's usually her. And for good reason." Amy got her own fair share of attention, but she understood that people paid more attention to the insane alien and the woman with the gun. Honestly, Rory got overlooked fairly often and he was far more dangerous than she was.

"Some people like quiet and boring. I think Rory would probably settle in for quiet and boring if I wasn't so gung ho for adventures. But he doesn't want to leave me alone in the Tardis with the Doctor, so he goes with. I think he enjoys himself too, just not what he'd chose if it were just for himself." Which was part of why she was willing to discuss there being a time when they might...retire... from adventuring. She was just afraid that if he wasn't coming to pick them up, the Doctor would stop showing up at all. And while they might want a break from running and screaming and terror and fear and anger and rage.... they never wanted a break from him. He was their best friend.

"Your micks sounds like he's been through a lot. Said he's back in ours then? Want me to ring him up whenever we all wind up home? Keep an eye out for him? Make sure he's alright?"

"Oi, no, you don't get to act like you're old 'cause you know the Spice Girls, thank you. You're like what? Half my age? And if anything, I'm totally," she held up her hair, "Ginger Spice." She grinned. "But better we make our own group anyway. We could steal River's nickname and be the Children of the Tardis. That or Fighting Silence." If she were sober she'd realize those were horrible names.

"Stole a bus, drove it through the botanical gardens, nearly ran us down in a stolen sports car. We were not exactly amused, at the time." She shook her head.

"Harriet Jones. Not bad. I've met Churchill," she said with a grin. "Waring, he will try to steal your key, or the Doctor's, every chance he gets."

"Hey, just repeating what they said." She shrugged. "Well, back when they remembered him and it was all 'the predator.... ooooh.... shaking in our little metal skirts.' She shook her head. "I always found the Silurians more impressive myself." And more fun. "As to how they forgot him, happened when we were split up. I could tell you what the Doctor said, but Rory and I are pretty sure he was lying, so it doesn't help much."

"Not sure the exact phrasing, but apparently she said to Rory that more than one of the Doctor in one place was a whole other birthday."

"Yeah, they used them. Plenty scary anyway. But it was kind of fun, traipsing around Venice, knowing everyone was watching us, wishing they were us, and knowing that if they knew the truth they'd run screaming in the other direction." She grinned a bit.

She snorted a bit. "Rory was always the wimpy little kid trailing along behind Mels and me. Now? He's the last Centurion. Two thousand years, protecting me while I slept like a prince and princess in a fairy story. Only with the end of realty tossed in." She sipped her coffee and closed her eyes. "Weird, I don't remember getting all that much older, but Rory and Mels, they grew up when I wasn't looking. Guessing its the same with your Micks. Well then, here's to the immortality of never getting older after your 20th birthday, yeah?" she asked, raising her coffee cup for a salute, then she frowned a bit. "Which is what? Last year for you?" Blimey Rose was young. Okay, Amy might be a slight bit envious.

Amy snorted a bit. "Nothing wrong with being his weapons. Because then he can blame us, not himself. River said he got to big though. Back on Demons Run. He started erasing himself from history... He's saved so many people, so many times, and because he's no longer in the books, or someone reprograms a race or something, and everyone just forgets him?" She shook her head. "Sometimes the hard choices have to be made. I get that, I do. But seeing that man make those choices? Scared me to my core. Every time. I'd rather do it for him, I'd rather he hate me for it. Because he can't take hating himself much more."

A tear ran down her face.

"That's exactly him, and he hates himself for it. And I'd give anything to spare him hating himself any more than he already does, you know?"

[bigbadrose]

Rose just shook her head. "Okay, do not tell the Tie Doctor that River does that a lot. Like I said, he read Jack the riot act. Threatened to stick him out the--"

She gulped. Why doesn't it get easier? She should be NUMB by now from the alcohol. Inhibitions lowered, sure, but where was the numb?

She took a deep breath. "Like I said, basically exiled his human self to another universe for daring to save everyone's life." She snorted and rested her head on the table. "And d'ya remember Harriet Jones? Prime Minister?" Whom they just talked about. Rose is still a bit drunk. "She destroyed these aliens who were threatening to destory Earth if we didn't cede 1/3rd of the people as slaves or let them die. The Doctor got them to surrender, using a swordfight, s'how he lost his hand, and all that. But Harriet Jones used Torchwood to kill the aliens as they were tryin' ta retreat, and he was so furious he got her deposed. Guess the Meta Crisis killin' the daleks just reminded him of it."

As to the offer to look up Mickey, Rose's eyes widened and she nodded. "Yes, please. Mickey Smith. He might be workin' for Torchwood, UNIT, or somethin' else entirely..." Rose chewed her bottom lip and frowned. "I know Jack and the Doctor wouldn't let let him die, the first day I met the Doctor, he was kind of..." Rose rolled her eyes and shook her head. "He kept forgettin' about him. When the Nestene Conciousness ate him, they replaced him, and the Doctor pulled off the replacement's head and let him melt on the TARDIS dash," Rose facepalmed. "And I begged the Doctor to let him come along, and he said no... until he was tryin' ta push me away. Then was gonna bring Madame du Pompadour along for the same reason..." Rose grit her jaw.

"Just yeah. If you could say hi, tell him Bad Wolf or Rose sent ya. If nothing else, he could use a friend who understands what travelin' with the Doctor is like. Sounds like he'll get on with Rory too. Micks was... he would have been content to stay a simple mechanic, and because of me and my wantin' adventures, he got arrested, dumped in an alternate universe, fought armies, and saved the world 3 or 4 times. I dun' think he expected to never see me again. Well... not when he came after me with Mum. I didn't expect him to do that. I can't blame him for wantin' to go back to the original universe, but it's weird how we swapped." She felt dizzy trying to keep up with it all.

Rose giggled, "I am not! I was born in '87! What about you?" She rubbed the back of her neck in thought and admitted with a giant grin. "Okay the thing I miss the most selfishly? Gettin' to go back to old rock concerts. I got to see ABBA in Glasgow, the Beatles premiere on Ed Sullivan, and we missed getting to see Elvis, and Queen because the TARDIS is all finicky, and I don't even remember where we goin' when we wound up meetin' Queen Victoria, but I showed up in this super short jean skirt, right? And the Doctor's just all," Rose does an absolutely terrible Scottish impression, "Ach, Aye, Ah've been chasin' this wee bonnie lass oot and aboot the... moors!" Seriously. Terrible. Feel free to be offended on behalf of all Scotsman everywhere Amy.

"And I had to keep apologizin' to the Queen for my nakedity even though she brushed it off, havin' raised her own daughters, but yup. If the Doctor says to wear somethin' special? Don't expect it to matter always. I showed up in World War Two with a Union Jack printed across my chest, and hangin' from a barrage balloon, middle of the London Blitz. S'how I met Jack. He saved me, and then we danced and had champagne on his invisble ship tethered to Big Ben." Rose waggled her brows. "Not bad, yeah?"

She beamed, "Jack's also the best tour guide for nightclubs and music, he's into really weird indie stuff he says is way more popular by the Fifty-first century. It's really funny because you have to go outta your way to find a lot of 'em? But so worth it." A happy smile and she bit her finger. "'Cept I'm not gonna see him again. And the Doctor didn't warn me so I didn't even tell him... 'Cause if the Doctor had warned me... I'd probably have halted everythin' and fought with him right then and there on the ship and not let him kick me out." Her eyes were misty on the bottoms and she finished off her tea, wishing it was alcoholic, but the only way she could safely have more was dancing it off or running or just getting it through her system probably. She swallowed quietly.

"He kept..." She shook her head. Even drunk she couldn't say it. But it was important to stress something to Amy so she made sure to. "He was a total hero. Every splintered crack I went through right?" Deep breath. "He saved so many lives. Like I said... I should have... I should have told him on the TARDIS. I would have," she growled furiously, mad at herself, mad at the Doctor. Either he thought Rose would come with him, or he did that full well knowing that she might not get to see Jack again, that it would kill her. That after they just left him on the Satellite...

She shook her head and bit her thumb. "He always... the Doctor always got jealous of everyone else," she drunkenly admitted. Something she wouldn't have said any other day or time. "Micks, Adam, Jack. The Doctor asked why I trusted Jack so much and I was tryin' ta explain it in a way he'd get that it wasn't just instinct, but I wasn't crazy either. I trusted Jack with my life, and the Doctor's since I first met him. And I told the Doctor Jack's like him, but with flirtin' and dancin'. And the Doctor got all offended that I assumed he doesn't dance." A giggle, "Well we also started usin' the word for ah... more'n just dancin, yeah?" another eyebrow waggled and Rose giggled. "So then we solve the problem, and Jack was sacrificin' himself, expectin' to die, and I reminded the Doctor not to leave it like that, so we rescued Jack, and I was dancin' with the Doctor so he could prove to me he knew how to dance."

A giant grin. "He totally didn't at first. He was all left feet. But the minute Jack came on board, I was gonna dance with Jack instead, and the Doctor was like 'Nope!' said he remembered how to dance, and if I didn't dance with him he was gonna dance with Jack." So much giggles. "Always been like that." She shook her head and rubbed the back of her neck. "I think I got engaged to a caveman once. I do know Jack was takin' care of the one that got transported to my time though. He was none too pleased 'bout it, but he did a good job. The caveman got all settled in and everythin' even got married in the year 2006. Or 7? Nah! 6 I think. And I'm 26... or 27. It's like...." Rose held up both hands trying to conceptualize the wibbly wobbly time wimey-ness of it. "Pete's Universe runs on a different rate from the Doctor's. So in the 3 years Mickey was with Pete and Torchwood before Canary Wharf, it was only..." she scrunches her face trying to think. "Six months for me?" She chewed her bottom lip. "And then... in the alternate universes themselves, right? Days... months..." she swore profusely, "SOMETIMES WHOLE YEARS!" she pounded the table, "Would pass," a growl. "I could hook up the TARDIS whenever he died," oops, another thing she hadn't meant to say casually, but after so many conversations with the dead, or psuedo-dead in one day, Rose was losin' it a bit. "And charge the cannon, and skip forward to key points, but I still had ta, find those points. Every." More emphatic swears. "TIME."

She cracked her knuckles and leaned back in her stool, careful not to fall out this time. "One time I had to go.... 3 years in this one plane. I was able to jump it a lot, and it was towards the end, so I got to know the key players and what they'd do. Jack? Total hero. Stoppin' nuclear bombs." Her eyes welled with tears again. "Ianto, his boyfriend at Torchwood was the same way. They'd go up to the Sontaran ship to stop 'em from floodin' the gas. Sarah Jane Smith died on the moon..."

Rose leaned back forward and rested her head on her arms. "I never told him," she whispered to Amy, barely loud enough to be heard in the pub bar. "I didn't wanna upset him, I don't even know if he wanted me back after awhile. Maybe he didn't. Maybe he's just moved on and over it. Or maybe he only liked havin' me around when I was all... innocent and just made him laugh. I just... I wanted to make him laugh again," a tear trickled down, betraying her.

Rose nodded, crying with her new friend quietly. "He hates himself so much," she rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. "More than he loves me," she laughed quietly. "I've seen what happens when he gets that bad. Hates himself more'n just... everything. I mean he basically fell that way when he lost me. Guilt I guess." Rose rolled her eyes. "Which is stupid because it was my choice, and he would have fallen into the void if I hadn't been there!" she growled furiously, and rubbed her eyes and forehead more. "Which is probably why he didn't really let me make the choice this time. Because he knew I'd either stick by him, and he considers it the wrong choice, or he'd resent me for it, or maybe he was worried I'd resent him because o' missin' everyone," Rose shook her head. "So this way I get to be mad at him. And he gets to just hate himself and not have me around to tell him he's bein' stupid. But at least..." she gulped again. "Donna would do that. For as long as she's with him. She's got a sharper tongue than me too."

[im_with_stupid]

"The Doctor sent off the aliens that were going to destroy the earth, then called them back to yell at them after they ran away. But yeah, of he goes to the effort of making peace, I can see him getting furious that someone destroyed it. But someone in power? Someone who could and would do it again? Yeah, I could see that."

"Mickey Smith, Rose the big bad wolf sent us, then let him and Rory go off and play in the yard and tinker with Rory's car. Got it."

She just stared at Rose. "87. You were born in 87. I guess time travel really ages a person," she said with a groan. "How is it possible you were actually born two years before I was? You still get to look 17, and you were born in 87. I look forty." Now she wanted that wine back. How unfair was that. Course, ten years with the Doctor.... They spent three weeks away during their anniversary party alone.

"Concerts? You got to concerts? He promised us concerts. Instead we get grass and Silurians and Rory dying again. You get concerts, River got concerts, closest I got was Space Florida. I mean, don't get me wrong, the digital sand was kind of awesome, but it didn't exactly sing 'Dancing Queen'."

"I don't know if you think that's how he talked, we talk, or what, but I think I've just been insulted, thanks." But the face she made left it clear she wasn't ANGRY over it. More like when Rory said something she just wanted to smack him for.

"World War Two." She made a face. "How many times did he drag you there, then?" She winced. "Alright, fine, winding up in Berlin was Mels' fault not his, but seriously, all the times he promised me a planet or a sunset, and I got death and screaming... she gets what she wants first trip?" Someone was sulkier than usual, given she was drunk.

"Oh, I know he's a hero, don't get me wrong. River and I broke time to make sure he knew it too. Voices from every part of the universe, heard he was in trouble and so many, so many of them, millions, maybe billions, all sending the same message. If the Doctor was in trouble, of course they'd help."

Okay, now Amy was blinking at her in confusion. "The Doctor? Jealous? The Doctor? The man who all but dragged my Fiancee alone because he went all 12 year old boy, eww keep girl cooties away from me when I kissed him. That Doctor? The man who married River Song, who also married Cleopatra, and then was okay with Cleopatra marrying River Song. The Doctor? Jealous?" Rose had to be pulling her leg, had to be.

Though she did snort about the dancing. "At least that much is the same. Rory and I had fun watching him dance at our wedding. He looked like an idiot. And freaked out more than a few friends and Rory's relatives. He was fair about dancing with everyone. Because he did. Dance. With everyone. Rory's uncle looked like he was going to break in half rather than move. It was great."

But her laughter faded as Rose grew sad, She slid off her bar stool, to move closer to Rose, butting an arm around her, giving her someone she could cry against. "I think he hates himself more than he loves anyone," she said quietly, something she wouldn't have said sober. "All we can do is keep loving him, and hope that eventually we wear him down enough that he's forced to love himself. So long as he's not alone... we can do it, we can take care of him. And you said he's got this Donna with him after you? So he has someone. You'll see. We'll take care of the Doctor. What his friends always do."

[bigbadrose]

"You're two years younger than me?!" Rose laughed and shook her head, "Nah, you don't look forty. Maybe not two years younger than me, but..." Rose shrugged. "I absorbed the time vortex into my head. Not even the Doctor knows all the side effects that might'a had on me."

Rose shook her head again, "Yeah I got concerts. Those were the only times I didn't put it on randomizer, but mind ya, we still missed like... half? Maybe more? And he wouldn't always stick around. Sometimes he'd just drop me off to see it alone. Or clubbin' with Jack. Space Florida?"

As for Scottish accent... Rose laughed. "He told me to never do that again. Is it really that bad?" She chewed her bottom lip, "I thought it was pretty good!" Nope.

"Just... the once for World War Two. Although I heard he spent a whole month there before he went travelin' with me. That was during his dark disaster fixed points tour phase. Frankly suicidal. Lessee. Oh, never EVER tell him I told ya this, I haven't even told him I looked him up. But there was Krakatoa, the Titanic, JFK Assassination, and yeah, that month in World War II. He was fresh out of the Time War and a bit maudlin." She winced. He didn't get better after losing her either, for all that the Doctor said Rose fixed him.

Rose narrowed her eyes. "You broke time?"

She didn't know how to respond to that. The Doctor would... never have forgiven her for that. She'd never done anything that reckless. Even all her universe hopping was to fix time. Blonde hair shook again. "No. No." She snorted. "He is not a god damn hero. Champion? Sure. Hero? NOPE." She poured more tea and drank it. "He's an idiot. In a box. With a screwdriver." No, well, he was a hero too, but she didn't like the burdens it placed on him. "Jack. Jack's the hero. Jack..." Rose shook her head. "It's not the same. The Doctor sacrificin' himself to fix time, or save someone else," she choked over that, remembering when he threw himself in front of everyone in the paradox to save them. "The Doctor's... an idiot." She drank more tea. "He's bored, and lonely, and scared, and sad, and gave up livin' because he couldn't take it all anymore." She shivered.

"Heroes don't..." She shook her head repeatedly, trying to clear the fog enough to express herself. "Heroes know deaths happen and just do their best. Heroes go down swingin'. Heroes..." Rose growled then, eyes blazing, all bad wolf. "Heroes are like my Dad. Facing death boldly. Not because they're scared of livin' and tired of the pain." She didn't look at Amy, but it was easy to see how furious Rose was about this. "Heroes take the pain, and don't come away with guilt and hate. That's his god damn problem."

She looked at Amy then, quietly, trying to process the idea. "They did?" she couldn't imagine it. She blinked, frowned, and scrunched her face up. "That's... weird," she admitted finally. "He was considered not even real. I mean daleks too. Just everyone thought they were all dead and gone from the Time War." She closed her eyes. No one knew about him in her jumps. No one understood why she was crying each time she reached for his lifeless hand. Or why she never got over or numb picking up his screwdriver and carrying on. "I can't... picture that," she admitted with a weird almost-laugh. "At all. He even told Mickey to wipe the data of him off the internet with a virus, because... during that missin' year, Mickey went and dug up everythin' he could on aliens and the Doctor, and even though everyone dismissed them all as crazy conspiracy theories, the Doctor said it was too dangerous for anyone tryin' ta follow him. Because like..."

She sipped her tea, face still scrunched. "When he was regeneratin', he was givin' off this stardust stuff that other aliens could sniff out. So they knew he was weak. Said they'd try to hook him up like a battery. And like... everyone who was just around it was basically in the way."

Rose shook her head. "That's why he's not a hero. At least... not when I knew him." Rose rubbed between her eyes. "Hero..." She shook her head. "He can't... I thought that's what his disaster suicide tour was about. Remindin' himself that he can't save everyone. No one can. He took me to the end of Earth on our first date, because... it was its time. I hate endin's, I hate 'em so much, yeah? They're sad, and it's worse when they're just unobserved. And he didn't get it, but it was like lettin' the planet die alone. We all missed it because we were all going to die from this whackjob piece of skin that wanted money. Compensation..." an eyeroll. "Thing was though... he couldn't go back and save his own people from the Time War. He saved me the first day he met me, took my hand, saved my life. But he said he was just passin' through. I mean, I'm pretty sure Earth is his favorite, even though he told me and Jack it's not, but..."

She snorted quietly and shook her head again. "No, the Doctor's not a hero. He's a good man. He made me a better person. Showed me and Micks, and even my Mum and Jack a better way livin'. Made Jack a hero. But he's not a hero himself. I think it'd break him if he tried ta be. He didn't die because he was sacrificin' himself. He died because he was too stubborn, too proud to ask for help. To --"

Rose closed her eyes, took a deep breath and leaned back. "That's what I was there for. Because all those times I got inta trouble, he knew he couldn't die or I wouldn't get home. When he lost me, he lost that, and let himself get killed." She rubbed between her eyes. "I know that's stupid. Bein' mad at him for dyin'. And I'm not. I'm really not. But I can nevar see him as a hero. Heroes live when it hurts. Like my Mum. My Mum is a right pain. Scary as all get out. I would gladly live in another universe to escape her wrath for runnin' away and tryin' ta get out. But she's a hero. She's strong, and even without my Dad, growin' up, she never gave up, always kept fightin'. I'm still so mad at her for comin' ta get me, but I know how much that must'a scared her. She hates travelin', I mean I'm not proud of her at all, because she left Pete and Tony and she had no way of knowin' if she could get back, and for what? I told 'em not to come after me." A grumpy growl and yet another headshake. "But yanno... Heroes are like... teachers or... or Jack. People who stay behind to clean things up. Or protect people even though they're goin' ta lose it all, or..." A small sigh. "Heroes have almost nothin' to lose. The Doctor always did. Have a lot more to lose than he knew. Showin' him people who'd do anythin' for him? That probably fucked him up a bit. But I'm glad. S'just..."

She struggled to articulate it, and the alcohol wasn't helping. "MetaCrisis, right? He had nothin' to lose. He knew I came back for the stupid alien in the box. He knew none o' us would survive long with all those daleks, even if he got all the planets back in their right places and times, he knew that the Doctor would probably shoot him out of an airlock. He had one heart, one stupid human heart, but he used all of it and his love for us, to do what he felt had to be done to protect and save us all. That's a hero." Rose said grimly. "And the Doctor was almost ready to murder him for it. Called him a thing. Treated him like a mutated hand, as if it wasn't his doin', nothing to do with him."

Jealous. MetaCrisis.

Rose gave up, if she was literally passed out drunk, it'd be worth it. She ordered another whiskey sour, and promised herself to mix it with the tea so the rest of the liquid would make it slow at least.

"Yeaaaaahhh..." she said slowly. "So... he... married Cleopatra?" she twitched. "Tell Mickey that." she closed her eyes. "When he went dancin' with Madame du Pompadour, he left me and Mickey to these clockwork soldiers that wanted to use body parts for the ship, and Mickey pointed out yanno... the Doctor brought up Cleopatra too. Called her Cleo."

Rose just doubled over whacking her head on the bar.

It felt good.

She doodled a finger on the bar top. "The Doctor left me with the MetaCrisis while I was snoggin' him... I figured... I don't know. He definitely got jealous though." She pinched between her eyes. "If things weren't such a mess with me right now, I'd say just watch me but..." Rose laid her head on the bar again, this time sideways. "He got jealous over Jack too. Wouldn't let Jack even say hello to people, because he says for Jack it's flirtin'. Fifty-first century and all. Man I'm just..." Rose rubbed her forehead with the back of her hand. "I need ta go runnin'. I miss him. I missed him for so long. Fought my way back to him for so long. And then he just left me. And I miss his human version, and I don't know what to do. The TARDIS better have somethin' to tell me because... he'll either be so glad to see me he gets shot by a dalek again, or miserable because guilt, and he doesn't want me and there should'a been a universe between us. I don't know anymore!" she groaned.

[im_with_stupid]

Amy decided to drop the age thing like a led balloon. It was only going to make her depressed. From the way Rose talked, Amy figured she had to have run with the Doctor at least as long as she had. Ten years Maybe closer to 15. And she still managed to look about half Amy's age. Of course, the Doctor was older than all of them and looked 12. That thought cheered her up a bit, at least.

"Space Florida," she agreed with a shrug. "Digital sand."

"Rose, your accent could make milk curdle. Stick to your own accent, much prettier, and less likely to get you a punch to the face." Not from Amy, Amy wouldn't, but she'd met plenty of people who would.

"Yeah. Well. Mostly River. But I helped her keep it broken long enough to do what we had to do." And she didn't regret it in the least.

Amy crossed her arms. "Sorry, but you're wrong this time. The Doctor is a hero. One of the best. General rule, someone who thinks they're a hero or tries to be a hero, they rarely are. Being a hero is not about who is giving up more or giving up less. It's about doing good, doing what is right even if it is difficult, but not because it is difficult. A hero does not need reward or an audience. It doesn't even need hope. It's about doing what is right, even if it might not make a difference. There are lots of kinds of heroes. Yeah, your mum might be one, but so is the Doctor. There are a lot of kinds of heroes, and he is one of those kinds, and one of the kindest ones at that. He never looks to be thanked. Doesn't matter if he doesn't value his own life, he still risks it. He risks his life over and over for people who don't know him, or know him and don't like him. He may be an idiot who thinks he's cool when he's really really not, but he is a hero. And he is loved more than he knows. And Heroes aren't perfect, not supposed to be. No one is. They can be scared, they can run away too. Just so long as they stand up and do the right thing when they need to. And even if he messes that up once, twice, a dozen times, that's nothing compared to how many times he's gotten it right. He's not perfect, but no one is." Sorry, Rose. She likes you, she does. But that's her best friend. And she will always defend him as a hero. Always.

Amy just rubbed her face. "You don't need another drink and neither do I. What we need is to burn some of this off. Take a walk, or a run, or just go find somewhere safe and sleep it off. We drink any more, someone might get hurt." And that would be bad. She was sure it would be. Even if she couldn't remember why....

[bigbadrose]

"Scared and runnin' away is fine, s'all I do," Rose growled, nodded, and got up, dug out some red bills, and glanced at Amy to make sure she wasn't drastically overpaying, but still leaving enough for a good tip.

"Come on," she grabbed Amy's hand to lead her outside.

"He's not a hero," she wanted to punch glass. "He's the Doctor." She dragged Amy along, not letting go of her hand. "Look look, see. He helps people be their best. Be better. But riskin' his life..." she growled and shook her head. "He'd destroy the world if someone didn't protect him. He's not the most important person in the universe. Everyone is important. And his death will lead to so many others, that he's not allowed to die. But he wants to." She grabbed Amy's shoulders and looked into her eyes, her own brown eyes blazing furiously. "He doesn't want to be stuck doin' this anymore. Tryin' ta save people. Losin' everything and everyone over and over and over. Donna's the hero. Donna saved him. Donna saved the multiverse. He can't do it alone. But he gets so arrogant and stupid he won't accept help, because he doesn't want to survive. That's the same as when he met me."

She cradled Amy's face in her hands, drunk or not, it was important and she was intense. "Promise me Amy. You don't forget that. He needs someone to anchor him. To keep him alive. To keep him livin' and enjoyin' and findin' fun and if he loses that, he'll lose himself. And then the Earth is an even more terrible place. It's important, Amy. Never tell him I told you. But never forget it. Never. YOU'RE the hero. He has to save you to save himself. To save the world. That's why, that's why he lost himself. He couldn't save me, and if Donna wasn't there, he died. Never forget it Amy, never, okay? Yeah? Promise me."

She held a finger over her lips and half-whispered. "That was my mistake at first. I thought he was stronger. I thought he was smarter. I thought he'd be okay. I thought he was the hero, I kept trying to track through him. But you can't. He's not the hero. He makes the heroes. He's the Doctor. It's important. You're the hero." She poked Amy's forehead, willing to stick, even if this was just another jump. Another faulty jump. Let it stick. "Rory's the hero. The Doctor is the Doctor. It's important." She shook her head. "I used to tease him about not having a name, but that is his name. It's not a codename, it's who he is, who has to be. It's important. Not hero."

[im_with_stupid]

my helped her figure it out, paying for her own stuff as well.

She went out with Rose, breathing in the comparatively fresher air. She listened to all that Rose said, and got the intensity, but she shook her head and stepped back, crossing her arms. "We're going to have to accept that we're going to disagree, then. Cause while I agree with you on a lot of it, on the fundamentals I think you've got a lot wrong, kid." She shook her head. "Some basics. Our being heroes does not take away from his being a hero, and his being a hero does not take away from us being a hero. That's one." And now she was craving a sandwich. "But even bigger? What you said about his not being allowed to die?" she shook her head. "That's not just wrong, it's horrifying. That he's not allowed to die because so many others would die with him? If you told me that, I'd probably want to die too!" She shook her head, and wobbled a bit. "Look, one thing to tell someoen they're not allowed to die and leave you. That's selfish, yeah. But it's also about them too. It's about how much you love that person. But not allowed to die because of the whole world is worse. Because it's pressure in ways no one needs to deal with. It's not our job as the people who love him to keep him alive for everyone else's sakes. It's our job to remind him of all the reasons he wants to keep himself alive. And if he has to keep himself alive to save you, to get you home, that's about you. And him. It's not about the universe."

"Universe is filled with people who love him, who he's helped. All across time and space. But that doesn't make the universe his obligation. Who has the right to tell him that he's only allowed to exist for others, and not allowed to die, because of them? Rose, you're furious with him for taking away his choice... when what he did was say to you, for the sake of the universe, this is your life now. But that's what you just said about him." She shook her head again, and fell on her butt in the street. Well, it was comfortable enough place to sit, she supposed.

"He's the Doctor. We agree about that. It is who he is. But he's also a hero. And my best friend. And my son in law. And a mad man with a box. He's a lot of things, and none of us have the right to demand of him that he be any one thing for the sake of everyone. Not even...for the sake of everyone."

[bigbadrose]

Rose sat down in the street, with Amy, and wrapped her arms around her legs.

It was funny, looking at it sideways.

The important things they were actually in agreement on. Just the words.

It was all a mess.

Rose shook her head. "I know. I know!" She rocked softly on her heels. "He wants to join the rest o' the TimeLords and his family an'--" she took a deep breath and covered her eyes with a hand. "It's good. It's good. Because you're his family now. He needs that."

She chewed a nail. "'m scared," she whispered to Amy. "Hero will be too much pressure for him. He should just be himself. Have fun. Not die of self-hate." She curled into a small tight ball, still rocking slightly. "Having all those people thank him... did it help? It didn't make him guilty or scared or...?" It was fine. Future him. He had Donna and Amy. He didn't need Rose bridging his deaths anymore. She didn't want to see his deaths anymore. It was like her own private hell. Working backwards from endings. She broke into tears. "I hate endings, Amy. I hate 'em. And that's all it was. I had to watch so many things end. And I did it for him. And then he just gave me one more," she bawled wiped her eyes on her arm. "I love him more than I hate endings," she admitted finally, still bawling, "And it wasn't enough."

Calling him a hero though, she still couldn't imagine do anything but give him panic or guilt attacks. Maybe he had to think he'd keep at it. And that was what killed him. Trying to be a hero, without getting someone else to be a hero for him. Maybe it just had to be lived. But Rose hoped Amy got it, she got the principle at least.

[im_with_stupid]

She sat beside her, and out her arms around Rose, holding her gently, soothing her.

"You should have seen him when he thought the Corsair was alive," she said softly. "Some of his people he'd like to be with again, but he told me about the war, he wouldn't want to be with all of them. And in some ways... in some ways I think we're more his people now than the other Time Lords. At least most of them. Your words, my word, both are a lot of pressure. But we only ever pointed out to him how much of a hero he was, when we really had to. Not sure we ever said the word out loud, but we thought it. At least, I know I did. To my mind... a Hero is one who has been a hero and might be again. A superhero is pressure to always keep being a hero... but it's semantics at this point and not what matters is that we love him, and are there for him and he knows that. What matters is that you're hurting because he did something stupid, and we need to fix that. The hurting if no other part of it. And we will, we'll get through this, you know why? Cause we're the ladies of the Tardis. And as someone very smart just told me... he only takes the best, yeah?"

[bigbadrose]

Rose laughed sadly, but leaned against Amy, more grateful than she could express. "Yeah. Yeah. Only the best," she sniffled, and hugged Amy hard. "You're the best too," she nudged Amy's arm with a small fist. "I gotta... I gotta run for a few hours. Hang out with someone... I don't know someone I just have to fake smilin' for, or really smile for, but that way I can face him again. He's gonna see through it anyway, but I gotta try." She rubbed her eyes with the fist again. "Protect him for me, okay? He won't be sad forever, he just has to get through it." She rubbed her eyes more and sniffled, "I wish you coulda seen him dancing with me and Jack. He was so happy then. He used to make me laugh so hard. There were days we just couldn't stop laughing and I couldn't tell ya what we were even laughing about! And Queen Victoria and Harriet Jones both told us off for it, but it never stopped us. Always kept jokin'. Gods... even at Torchwood, when cybermen and daleks were against each other, we were jokin' about ghostbusters and cracks and..."

Another sniffle and she rubbed her eyes. "It'll be okay. It's just... gonna be rocky. Yeah? Keep him safe until I can get there. Because I can't yet... first time I just... can't."

[im_with_stupid]

Amy rubbed her back lightly. "He's my best friend, and acts 12. Of course I'll look after him. You don't even need to ask." She shook her head and chuckled. "I saw him dance with the kids at the wedding. And we laugh a lot too. Mostly at Rory," she added with a small grin, to try and cheer Rose up.

And then she stopped. "Cracks? What kind of cracks?"

[bigbadrose]

"Good," Rose shook her head, still trying to line up the future Doctor with the one she knew.

"Mmm Cracks in the universe. To the void and beyond. The daleks escaped the Time War traveling into the void where time and space don't exist. I almost fell in too," Rose said soberly, despite being drunk. "S'how I wound up in Pete's Universe. Pete caught me in time. But then the Doctor had to seal off the universes again."

[im_with_stupid]

"Wait, then you do know about the cracks?" Didn't she say she didn't? Why didn't they have this discussion sober like the adults they were supposed to be.

[bigbadrose]

"No," Rose shook her head, and bit her bottom lip. "There aren't anymore. They got sealed off. If there was, I could come back...."

She laughed suddenly at that. "What do I know? We're all here right? Gotta be in a crack somewhere."

[im_with_stupid]

"And there were cracks after I started traveling with the Doctor. So I bet there's at least one more. And it's the Doctor, you never know. Maybe he was counting on you and the other him to find one and come back to him in the future."

[bigbadrose]

For a moment Rose rubbed her face. She wanted that to be true. She was scared if it wasn't. Scared if it was. What did it mean if he thought that or not?

She hugged Amy either way. No sense worrying too much about the distant future in another universe. One step at a time, don't lose sight of the now. "Maybe," she hiccupped. "Maybe." She was glad for Amy being there when she couldn't though. Even if it took her millions of years in the Doctor's time, if there was still hope, then she wouldn't give up. Not for anything.

And her paid is back!

[im_with_stupid]

She nodded and kissed the top of Rose's head. "So long as we hold on to maybe, we've always got something to run to, yeah?"