[Commercial]

[sailor_v]

[This is clearly an advertisement video, because all of the footage has been recorded, edited, and there's cheesy music playing in the background that may or may not be Minako humming, or someone else with musical talent she roped into making a song. The feed opens on Minako with a big curly black wig a dismal young lady sighing on a bench. Minako's voice plays over the footage.]

Are you feeling lonely? Dateless? Maybe you just don't have a clue about what it takes to experience the springtime of romance!

[Minako The girl on the bench holds out her arms, talking dramatically to the sky.]

If ONLY there were a way to meet people in this city!

'WELL NOW THERE IS!'

[The girl on the bench suddenly gasps with joy, sitting up and looking straight at the camera.]

Nooooo waaaaayyyyyyy!

[YES WAY TED! The doors to Minako's brand new (sort of) matchmaking office are opened by Minako herself, wearing a professional and crisp suit with a stylish yellow scarf knotted around her neck. The camera pulls back, revealing the sign over the shop: 'APHRODITE'S LOVE MATCHMAKING']

[Assuming you haven't immediately turned off your communicator, Minako strides forward and strikes a pose, one hand on her hip, and winks.]

I'm Minako Aino, your goddess of love and romance. And I'm here to help you! Here at Aphrodite's Love Matchmaking, I'll conduct one-on-one interviews...

[It shows Minako with a pad of paper, writing notes as she nods and talks to someone off-screen.]

Create detailed questionnaires designed to measure your preferences, hobbies, and interests...

[Not-Minako is writing dutifully, pausing to tap the pencil eraser to her lips, then checking more boxes with cheerful enthusiasm.]

And find you the perfect match!

[The wigged-Minako looks up at the camera, holding out her arms to show off her frumpy self.]

But I don't know the first thing about dating, or how to talk to someone I like. What do I do?

[Now Minako is in an office chair, spinning around to face the camera.]

Leave it to fashion expert Mina-chan! I'll take you on a day-long tour to find you clothes that suit your uniqueness and tastes, teach you to style your hair, and coach you on what to say and not say when you're with that special someone.

[The image of the girl with the wig flickers rapidly until WHOOOOAAAAA IT TOTALLY TURNS INTO MINAKO THAT IS SO MAGICAL YOU GUYS! She winks, tapping her two fingers to her lips to blow a kiss.]

Call me now to make an appointment! Come find your happiness today!

[The final shot is the business sign once again, and flashing text that says 'CALL NOW! CALL NOW! CALL NOW!']

[Well...she's a hard worker in any case. She may or may not also be sitting at her desk right now, staring eagerly at her communicator as she waits for her first appointment. Do it. You know you've got a morbid curiosity you want to!]

Comments

Re: [Video/Private]

[youfool]

[That gets a burst of laughter with a pinch of nerves. Should he be happy or worried that she's so very willing to look over his deficits? At least he doesn't want in the looks department.]

Ahaha, well I'm glad he rates so well. Let's hope he has as much success with women more his age, eh?

[Maybe it's a teenager thing?]

Mm, better send me a copy just in case.

[He can probably persistently pester Zexion into just about anything, but if he gets difficult...]

[Video/Private]

[sailor_v]

[Minako grumbles under her breath. It's not like she's some gross little snot-nosed kid, she's old enough to date, and Zexion can't be THAT old. Not with a wild style like that!]

[...But it's a moot point, she's not going to date him. She's just going to stalk him and set him up on dates. Like a professional!]

Sending it over now.

Ted's Got Mail!

Re: [Video/Private]

[youfool]

[For Ted, courtship is but a pretext to one thing: marriage! And families, natch. Something Minako's underdeveloped prefrontal cortex just isn't ready for, the overeager weirdo]

Thank you, let's see what you have...

[His eyes quickly scan the list, chuckling. This is gonna be an adventure in teeth-pulling, he can just tell. He'll probably have to fill out most of this himself and make educated guesses.]

Ahaha, well! I'll do my best. Thanks for the help, "beautiful child"; let's see if we can't find this beast a beauty, eh?

[Video/Private]

[sailor_v]

Just leave it to me!

...And what about you?

[Uh-oh, run Ted.]

Shouldn't you be filling out one of these forms for yourself too?

Re: [Video/Private]

[youfool]

[He would never run from Aphrodite or her acolytes. Love must be run to!]

Oh, you're good. Can tell a bachelor just from looking, eh?

That's kind of you to offer, but I'm afraid there's no women here that meet even the most minimum of requirements just yet.

[Video/Private]

[sailor_v]

NONE?! But there are hundreds of interesting, smart, and pretty girls in this world!

[She is alarmed for you, Ted.]

It's great to have high standards and all. But if your expectations are too impossible, you might miss out on someone really amazing who could change your life in all kinds of great ways!

Re: [Video/Private]

[youfool]

[Aww. She's so sincere, so passionate. Would that he could be an outlet to that. Alas.]

Hundreds? Plural? You've done a census? A hundred I'm prepared to grant.

[Cause no way Jose is he counting the sprites. Real women only plz.]

Ahah! Impossible? Goodness, I hope not, or you're all doomed! Maybe even damned!

I don't think the standard especially high. You see, I've a strict no-heathens policy. The woman must love God before we could satisfactorily love each other. If I'm to walk her down a church aisle, I'd prefer it not be her first, haha.

[Video/Private]

[sailor_v]

[Doomed? Wha...? Minako doesn't get it, but shrugs and keeps listening. She supposes if he's searching for religious similarities, it's understandable. Calling people 'heathens' seems a little dramatic (and rude).]

So you need a generic type of religious belief, or is it more specific?

Re: [Video/Private]

[youfool]

[That's the term; that it's colorful only adds to the charm for him.]

Generic? Goodness, what...oh, you mean denomination? I'm not especially picky about that; nothing too silly like Gnosticism or something. So long as she's a good, Christian girl, all's well. Got to be "equally yolked", the saying goes.

[Video/Private]

[sailor_v]

That makes sense. Religion is a pretty big deal for some people, so you'd definitely want to date someone who likes the same one, or at least respects it. I'll see what I can do!

[Ted's lucky, at least in being from a world where there are so many people from it or from different versions of what's basically the same thing.]

Re: [Video/Private]

[youfool]

[He would've thought so; Earth and Genessia have much in common. Yet he's met priests and even a purported angel once, and upon inspection there's always something wrong at the bottom of them. Nothing's named after saints, and the only tribute the world pays holiness are the holidays. An oddly secular place, and it contributes to the reason he stands out so much. Beyond just being a weirdo.]

Aheh, I wish you luck then. Make sure to do the same for our strangely-haired sociopath, please.