VIDEO

[sarcastass]

I have... an exceedingly important question.

For all of you.

[Yeah it's video alright, Genessia's number one shitty hermit, long hair all undone. Midge? Midge must be behind the camera, he's always somewhere.

The demon grabs at a lock of hair on the left side of his face, gesturing violently at it. The hair, in response, flashes a brilliant silver, before zipping into yellow shades, black polka dots vibrating energetically across it]

What's it doing? I see spots.

I know there are spots.

What color is it?

This is very, very important, I need to know who is messing with my hair. Is it that dog?

Tell him I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill that dog. You're a heartless monster.

Don't ever mess with my hair.

EVER.

It's not a stupid color is it? I swear to god if it's stupid-

Comments

[sarcastass]

Are we really doing this?

There's a reason I don't talk to any of you.

[youfool]

No fibs, now. You talked to Rose last August.

[Not a great record, but it's something.]

Do you live in Genessia City?

[sarcastass]

And I regret every second of it.

No, Everglade. I don't mind leaving it.

[youfool]

Nor I.

The Hamete Strip Mall on Willow and 9th might serve. Though I warn that Genessia's capriciousness is not so easily thwarted.

[sarcastass]

What is it going to do? Give me special snowflake mood ring eyes?

Yeah okay.

Push comes to shove, I'll look absolutely gorgeous in a hat too.

[Off camera, a gentle, lisping, mincing voice speaks up-]

You'd look gorgeous in anything, master.

I know.

[youfool]

Huh. So no clothing has power to mar your beauty, but color does? Queer vulnerability. Well, whether it's hair or harts or even baldness, I wish you the best.

[sarcastass]

I didn't realize hats constituted as every article of clothing ever.

I'm not going outside in a mankini, it's a fedora.

It could be worse, I could be going outside in clown clothes and tights.

[youfool]

Ah, forgive the carelessness. So hats are the invincibility.

Goodness, now that'd be a sight worth seeing.

[Too bad his blindness prevented that. And no, Ted has no idea that's directed at him.]

[sarcastass]

[LOOK. He may not be able to see the screen right now, but he has, in fact, memorized Ted's general appearance, thanks to Midge.

Colors were a wash, but those clothes weren't even stylish when they were invented]

Are are you always this dumb?

[youfool]

[How thoughtful of him.]

I'm talking right now, aren't I?

[Words can have so many meanings.]

[sarcastass]

So you're only stupid when you talk?

Good to know.

[youfool]

Oh that's what you meant. Goodness, the woman you've got for the 14th must be a saint.

But it's nice to know my acts are better, thank you.

[sarcastass]

If you're feminizing the Van Winkle Family Reserve I got for the holiday, then yes. She's practically Mary herself.

[youfool]

You won't be attending the fair? No courtship or coupling whatever?

[sarcastass]

Why would I do that? Why would I subject myself to that?

Then I have to talk to someone I hate, so the evening can culminate in unsatisfying, regretful, probably drunk sex.

My sin is gluttony, not lust.

[youfool]

Really? Yet you keep yourself so thin. There's bound to be good food there, if nothing else. I just thought it'd be nice if you, say, dazzled everyone with your undoubtedly fine looks.

Well I'm glad you'd regret such a course. There is, of course, chastity for an alternative. And you don't know you'd hate them. Why, treat them right and you'll be bound to think just the opposite!

[Surely.]

[sarcastass]

It's all metaphorical in the end, food isn't the only thing gluttony applies to.

See, you say that, and I'd be tempted, if not for the fact that I then remember you'll probably be there, and there goes my appetite.

Yes.

I do know I will hate them. I can tell you right now, I will hate them, and everything they say, and everything they do. I can't tolerate ninety nine percent of the local population unless I'm drunk.

[youfool]

What else does it apply to?

[He's pretty sure that one is, per Aquinas, restricted to food alone, though not totally to excessive intake.]

Come on, my presence alone couldn't taint all of it. The odds of you seeing me are probably about as high as you meeting that legendary one percent person. Which you really ought to take the risk for anyway. Not much chance of you meeting anyone as a homebody.