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[sarcastass]

[Y'all know the drill here. Well, anyone who's been here long enough to see this asshole hermit pop his head out of his burrow knows the drill here.

As usual, there he is on camera, smiling brilliantly, the grin a touch too wide, Midge seated comfortably on his shoulder. As always, the massive cockroach/lightning bug's dinner plate sized eyes are locked on the screen, his head tucked comfortably just under the demon's left ear.

Distantly, discordantly, there's something fucking awful playing, and there's an excellent chance that he set this up in preparation to do what he does best.

Be a giant piece of shit]

Hello! And welcome to Genessia. I see there's a lot of new faces here today! And yesterday. And for the next few days as you all slowly trickle in, ripped from the comfort of your homes.

A few of you from your graves. The first most important lesson you'll all learn here in Genessia is that the laws of nature, whatever they were prior to your being here, don't apply anymore.

Please feel free to yell about it! Yell as long and as loud as you want at anyone you feel looks the most responsible for this. Point fingers and lay blame on strangers!

It's practically a tradition!

Now, I know that some of you won't pay attention to the hologram, or read the pamphlets, and will jump straight to the good old time honored tradition of shaking your fist at an uncaring, unfeeling and invisible pantheon of spirits or deities in impotence. It definitely won't do anything, but you do need to get it out of your system now, so please indulge.

For those of you who are dedicated to your fist shaking aimed skyward, let me just give you a quick rundown of your situation!

First: No, you can't go back! Well, not unless you do the thing.

[Right on cue, the bobble eyed bug on his shoulder placidly lisps-]

Do what thing, master?

The thing, Midge. You know. The thing no one here is allowed to tell you about, that thing. We discussed this at the last secret meeting- Oh never mind.

If any of you newcomers here want to know what the thing is, I can guarantee that one of our many city guardians will know exactly what I'm talking about! They're not allowed to tell you, so you might have to be a bit persistent, but I'm sure one of them will tell you all about the thing.

Second! We periodically experience sporadic failures in the upholding of reality.

What does this mean? Well I'd tell you, but you wouldn't believe me. Just not even a little bit-Not even a teensy bit. So I'm not going to try, just take my word for it. You'll know when reality breaks.

Third! In line with time honored traditions, everyone here loves being challenged to an impromptu street fight. Everyone. Don't even bother sending a warning, that's considered a social faux pax here, just throw a punch.

Do it.

Hit the first person you see directly in the teeth, I haven't seen a better way to make friends yet.

For more totally necessary, definitely not made up information about Genessia that I'm most certainly not lying through my teeth about, you were right to ignore the pamphlets and hologram, ask me!

Only right here and now though, I've only got an hour before an extremely important nap.

Comments

[sarcastass]

I could always use some company down here if someone wants to voice a personal complaint.

[quick_clean_pure]

In a way, I admire you ballsiness, but if I get punched in the face, that may change real fast.

[sarcastass]

I live in Everglade, here's my address!

[ADDRESS SENT, the blind man on the other side openly nestling his chin in his hands]

[quick_clean_pure]

Yeah, I'm not exactly a genius strategist here or anything, but no. Either you can kick ass or you're into some masochist stuff and personally I ain't really here for either.

[sarcastass]

I'd tell you, but it'd ruin my mystique.

The empty threats were nice, though.

[quick_clean_pure]

Hey, I never said I was punching you, just that that seems to be a hazard when you troll people in large numbers.

[sarcastass]

But you used yourself as an example! No one else has threatened to punch me!

[DESPITE BEST EFFORTS]

I like to cast my net wide.

[quick_clean_pure]

Fair 'nuff, I suppose, but I imagine the greater problem is usually people just going ahead and doing it instead of just mentioning it ahead of time.

Assuming you can't kick ass or are not secretly getting off on this, granted.

[sarcastass]

I think I'll be alright, but thank you for thinking about me.

But! But- But what if I get off on kicking ass?

[quick_clean_pure]

Then I imagine your opponents take a cold shower after every time they fight you.

[sarcastass]

Well considering the burns-

Master he's still over there.

You wouldn't be wrong!

[quick_clean_pure]

Good to know I can still tell when people are gonna desperately want to bathe, whether from burns or a deep uncleanly feeling.

[sarcastass]

You really need to keep looking at the screen.

I apologize, Master.

Frankly I'm sure anyone who comes to visit might just need a bath whether I find them or not.

[quick_clean_pure]

I mean, judging by the Muzak you got going on, I'm gonna agree there. Apart from what other reasons there might be.

[sarcastass]

[There's a lot of reasons someone might want to shower after spending a day in the Gluttony section of Hell that Szel's chosen for his subgate!

None of them are allowed in this part of the library while he's talking to people.]

I'd say the Easy Listening Muzak is the least of those reasons, but could potentially be one of them, I'll not argue with you.

[quick_clean_pure]

Good to know. What the hell is going on over there?

[sarcastass]

"Hell" is pretty apropos, at the risk of sounding ominous.

[quick_clean_pure]

...well, doesn't that certainly paint a picture.

You a demon, then?

[sarcastass]

[Gasp! Yes, he's so dedicated to this act a hand even flies to his cheek, the massive, golden eyed lightning roach perched on his shoulder mimicking the gesture]

Is it that obvious?

We've been discovered, master.

[quick_clean_pure]

I feel like mentioning your living quarters are literal hell was a slight tip-off, yes.

[sarcastass]

Me and my big mouth.

For shame, Master.

You know, it's a beautiful chunk of Hell we have over here, if it's of any consolation.

[quick_clean_pure]

I'm not exactly an expert on hell, so I'll take your word on it.