Video

[sarcastass]

[Y'all know the drill here. Well, anyone who's been here long enough to see this asshole hermit pop his head out of his burrow knows the drill here.

As usual, there he is on camera, smiling brilliantly, the grin a touch too wide, Midge seated comfortably on his shoulder. As always, the massive cockroach/lightning bug's dinner plate sized eyes are locked on the screen, his head tucked comfortably just under the demon's left ear.

Distantly, discordantly, there's something fucking awful playing, and there's an excellent chance that he set this up in preparation to do what he does best.

Be a giant piece of shit]

Hello! And welcome to Genessia. I see there's a lot of new faces here today! And yesterday. And for the next few days as you all slowly trickle in, ripped from the comfort of your homes.

A few of you from your graves. The first most important lesson you'll all learn here in Genessia is that the laws of nature, whatever they were prior to your being here, don't apply anymore.

Please feel free to yell about it! Yell as long and as loud as you want at anyone you feel looks the most responsible for this. Point fingers and lay blame on strangers!

It's practically a tradition!

Now, I know that some of you won't pay attention to the hologram, or read the pamphlets, and will jump straight to the good old time honored tradition of shaking your fist at an uncaring, unfeeling and invisible pantheon of spirits or deities in impotence. It definitely won't do anything, but you do need to get it out of your system now, so please indulge.

For those of you who are dedicated to your fist shaking aimed skyward, let me just give you a quick rundown of your situation!

First: No, you can't go back! Well, not unless you do the thing.

[Right on cue, the bobble eyed bug on his shoulder placidly lisps-]

Do what thing, master?

The thing, Midge. You know. The thing no one here is allowed to tell you about, that thing. We discussed this at the last secret meeting- Oh never mind.

If any of you newcomers here want to know what the thing is, I can guarantee that one of our many city guardians will know exactly what I'm talking about! They're not allowed to tell you, so you might have to be a bit persistent, but I'm sure one of them will tell you all about the thing.

Second! We periodically experience sporadic failures in the upholding of reality.

What does this mean? Well I'd tell you, but you wouldn't believe me. Just not even a little bit-Not even a teensy bit. So I'm not going to try, just take my word for it. You'll know when reality breaks.

Third! In line with time honored traditions, everyone here loves being challenged to an impromptu street fight. Everyone. Don't even bother sending a warning, that's considered a social faux pax here, just throw a punch.

Do it.

Hit the first person you see directly in the teeth, I haven't seen a better way to make friends yet.

For more totally necessary, definitely not made up information about Genessia that I'm most certainly not lying through my teeth about, you were right to ignore the pamphlets and hologram, ask me!

Only right here and now though, I've only got an hour before an extremely important nap.

Comments

[notquitedracula]

Challenging someone who accidentally bumps into you in the street to a duel to the death also seems to be the norm.

[Looking at YOU, Athos. But he's smiling when he says it.]

[sarcastass]

See? Absolutely normal. I'm just trying to help the newcomers settle in.

[quick_clean_pure]

So, new person here: exactly how many people in this city have a revenge vendetta against you as a result of one of your helpful broadcasts?

[sarcastass]

Currently? None.

[Despite his best efforts, he is a massive attention whore]

[quick_clean_pure]

You sure? I feel like a few errant busted lips might change that around for ya.

[sarcastass]

I could always use some company down here if someone wants to voice a personal complaint.

[quick_clean_pure]

In a way, I admire you ballsiness, but if I get punched in the face, that may change real fast.

[sarcastass]

I live in Everglade, here's my address!

[ADDRESS SENT, the blind man on the other side openly nestling his chin in his hands]

[quick_clean_pure]

Yeah, I'm not exactly a genius strategist here or anything, but no. Either you can kick ass or you're into some masochist stuff and personally I ain't really here for either.

[sarcastass]

I'd tell you, but it'd ruin my mystique.

The empty threats were nice, though.

[quick_clean_pure]

Hey, I never said I was punching you, just that that seems to be a hazard when you troll people in large numbers.

[sarcastass]

But you used yourself as an example! No one else has threatened to punch me!

[DESPITE BEST EFFORTS]

I like to cast my net wide.

[quick_clean_pure]

Fair 'nuff, I suppose, but I imagine the greater problem is usually people just going ahead and doing it instead of just mentioning it ahead of time.

Assuming you can't kick ass or are not secretly getting off on this, granted.

[sarcastass]

I think I'll be alright, but thank you for thinking about me.

But! But- But what if I get off on kicking ass?

[quick_clean_pure]

Then I imagine your opponents take a cold shower after every time they fight you.

[sarcastass]

Well considering the burns-

Master he's still over there.

You wouldn't be wrong!

[quick_clean_pure]

Good to know I can still tell when people are gonna desperately want to bathe, whether from burns or a deep uncleanly feeling.

[sarcastass]

You really need to keep looking at the screen.

I apologize, Master.

Frankly I'm sure anyone who comes to visit might just need a bath whether I find them or not.

[quick_clean_pure]

I mean, judging by the Muzak you got going on, I'm gonna agree there. Apart from what other reasons there might be.

[sarcastass]

[There's a lot of reasons someone might want to shower after spending a day in the Gluttony section of Hell that Szel's chosen for his subgate!

None of them are allowed in this part of the library while he's talking to people.]

I'd say the Easy Listening Muzak is the least of those reasons, but could potentially be one of them, I'll not argue with you.

[quick_clean_pure]

Good to know. What the hell is going on over there?

[sarcastass]

"Hell" is pretty apropos, at the risk of sounding ominous.

[quick_clean_pure]

...well, doesn't that certainly paint a picture.

You a demon, then?

[sarcastass]

[Gasp! Yes, he's so dedicated to this act a hand even flies to his cheek, the massive, golden eyed lightning roach perched on his shoulder mimicking the gesture]

Is it that obvious?

We've been discovered, master.

[quick_clean_pure]

I feel like mentioning your living quarters are literal hell was a slight tip-off, yes.

[sarcastass]

Me and my big mouth.

For shame, Master.

You know, it's a beautiful chunk of Hell we have over here, if it's of any consolation.

[quick_clean_pure]

I'm not exactly an expert on hell, so I'll take your word on it.

[video]

[black_black_heart]

I hear the Nova guardian is the easiest to get that information out of! But only if you burst in on him at just the right time of day.

[ SORRY NOT SORRY GARRUS. ]

[video]

[slightlysaggy]

Any hints on which time of the day is just right?

[ She grins hopefully along with her question. It sounds like she's probably making some Guardian's life more aggravating. But, if it works, then Bulma doesn't actually care! She may or may not have a few things she wants to discuss with a guardian, and she'll take any small advantage she can get. ]

[black_black_heart]

I suggest the shotgun method; if you keep trying at different times you're sure to find it!

Re: [video]

[sarcastass]

Seconding this, you'll get that timing down eventually.

Re: [video]

[sarcastass]

[NOT SORRY NEVER SORRY]

Oh yes, Nova's guardian is the most knowledgeable about the thing, but you have to catch him at the right time.

video

[usescontractions]

I will admit I haven't been here long, but I haven't yet witnessed violent greetings. Can you expand on the social norms of Genessia?

[ Not that she's taking this too seriously, but she would like to know what else he has to say. She doesn't have as much experience with mischievousness as she'd like... ]

Re: video

[sarcastass]

If you hit Garrus, the guardian of Nova City, with a newspaper, you get seven years good luck.

video

[usescontractions]

But luck is only a description of events that ar-- [ She breaks off suddenly, and looks away sheepishly. ] Sorry, old habit. I'm sure you know what luck is.

Why a newspaper?

Re: video

[sarcastass]

Totally random and a happenstance of chance, etcetera, etcetera-

You can improve your chances of being generally happy and healthy by hitting Garrus with a newspaper. I've recorded percentages of positive things occurring to you after you've hit Garrus with a newspaper rising by at least five percent.

I think it's worth it.

Why a newspaper? Who knows! As it turns out, discovering the method of improving your likelihood to experience positive happenstances is, in and of itself, an act of random chance.

[fadedscarlet]

[This was dumb. But..there was something off about him. Kii squinted their eyes, and smiled widely]

Are you a lunatic or a genius? There really isn't a difference, but you strike me as one. I bet you have all the friends from punching everyone, hm..?

[sarcastass]

Congratulations, that's the weirdest question I've gotten all month.

As for the second question, I don't punch anyone, I'm far too anti-social to partake in that pastime.

[fadedscarlet]

Really? Wow you need more interesting questions, because I'm seriously questioning you.

[Kii squinted]

Then how do you know that sort of thing works....unless..-[pauses and grins]

..Do..do you take joy from the hurt of others?

[sarcastass]

I need more interesting conversation partners.

Know what sort of thing works? Lying to people makes them angry? That there's people dumb enough here to believe me? That my refusal to take their situation seriously causes a great deal of emotional turmoil?

That's easy: sit on the network and watch everyone bounce around the monkey cage.

I take joy from making my day a little less boring.

[fadedscarlet]

[Kii laughs. Finally someone that likes cause and effect things!]

You don't like doing much around here, hm? Not a tamed soul, I see..

[hums a little] Why don't you use that energy to cause riots? Or..rebels to take this Gennessia place down, hmm? It's obvious that you aren't in leagues with everyone else..

[sarcastass]

Because that sounds like work.

[fadedscarlet]

Yes.

Freedom does require work. But it's worth it to get out of this Hell.

[Kii shrugged, though, trying to bait] But hey, if you want to stick to rocking the same monkey cage over and over again, IIiiiii can't judge.

[yes you can, silly]

[sarcastass]

I'm actually totally comfortable with this, considering Hell was, in fact, my last address, before this Hell.

Frankly, I find them to be totally interchangeable.

[fadedscarlet]

Aaahhhh reaally? You seem too smart to be an escapee soul...you're a Demon? The one I made a deal with was from there.

[grumbles, stupid place]

Yeah, I can imagine. I'd rather be in hell, more hate there.

[sarcastass]

I haven't really met any demons not from Hell, 'demon' used as a dehumanizing insult for garbage people aside.

[neighfeni]

Huh. Good to know smartasses are a universal constant.

[The emerald-haired woman's lips quirk to the side in a wry smile, her country accent taking on an amused tone.]

At least the first bit was close enough.

Ah shouldn't find it interestin' that gettin' kidnapped from your home tends to be the same each time, but Ah do. Ya get dumped somewhere with a communications device, maybe a rundown on how things work, if you're lucky. Lots o'folks freakin' out, which is understandable...

[She's done this before.]

[sarcastass]

They're completely entitled to panic and scream.

Somewhere else.

Where I can't hear them.