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Hey kids!

I know what you're all thinking.

Wow, I can't believe Spiderman finally hit puberty! Aren't his abs amazing, I just want to rub my face all over them.

First of all, thanks, I work out.

Second of all, don't call me Spiderman, lets get that out of the way right now.

Third of all, I just took a nap on the bottom of a cave because I.... accidentally... kicked the fancy Star Wars hologram over there, just wanted to put that out there: Don't kick the hologram. PSA here, kids.

Forth of all, I lost track of what I was listing.

And fifth of all because I'm on a roll and I need to prove I'm sober and I can count to five, does anyone have directions to a really cheap bar? I'll also accept directions to the pharmacy or a tire and lube.

I'm gonna need a few more chemicals in me before I deal with this. It's for my sake, not your-

I mean your sake, not mi-

No definitely my sake, sorry. Promised a friend I wasn't going to lie as much anymore.

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I can see you. You don't really look the same, for one thing he has a spider on his chest.

Do you know Iron Man? Where are you from anyway?

Yeah, and he doesn't ride the subway but here we are. I'm serious, if I was paid a buck every time I got called Spiderman, I wouldn't have to shoot people to pay the bills.

I've seen Iron Man on TV! And I'm from New York. Ish. Sort of.

Canada mostly. I mean I live in New York right now, was Canada. It's complicated, depends on who you ask.

He's from New York, I'm sure he rides the subway.

[Of course he does, Mr. Deadpool, why wouldn't he?]

Well I wouldn't call you Spiderman, if that helps. I just thought if you were a superhero, you know...

[He waves his hand a little.] Iron Man seems to know everyone.

I'm from Queens.

In full suit? Because I've never seen him.

[For all he knows.]

Seeeeeee I.... wouldn't ssssaaaayyyyy hero. Super, maybe not hero? That's kind of a four letter word, kind of a lot of responsibility, I'm really not ready to make that kind of commitment also I need that morally ambiguous paycheck.

You know, I bet he might have... heard of me. Maybe.

Oh nice! Hey, I'm from Manhattan! Ish. Sort of. It's complicated.

Why would he need to take the subway in his suit? Haven't you ever seen him webslinging from building to building? It's-it looks fun!

[He's not scared of heights, not at all.]

Yeah, it's supposed to be a commitment and really important.

[But you're an adult, shouldn't you be responsible by now?]

It sounds like a lot of things are complicated. [Just an observation.]

Oh yeah looks like a lot of fun! I can actually speak for how much fun it is, it's blast! I mean like... I don't really get as far, it's less of a websling from building to building and more of a 'I fell off a building and there's nothing I can do so I may as well enjoy the trip' sort of thing but up until impact it's awesome.

Yyyyeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh that's uh... that's a Colossus thing. I'm really busy not being a kissless virgin still, maybe later.

[Wade is a terrible adult]

Welcome to life! Everything is complicated!

I think the trick is not to fall. Wouldn't you die if you fell?

[That's the only logical assumption Peter can think of.]

Colossus? Who's Colossus?

[He's not touching that virgin comment at all.]

I guess. I'm just a student at Midtown, so...

[He offers an innocent smile.] I'm Peter by the way. Peter Parker.

I mean for a minute? Maybe? Like a minute. Yeah that was a full sixty seconds, they didn't even get the ambulance there by the time I got out. It is a bear getting out of a body bag though, do not recommend getting zipped into one. Double thumbs down.

A kissless virgin, I just told you. Guy doesn't even say fuck. ... Okay he said it once, but that was because I was actually dying that time.

You are very well spoken for a twelve year old.

[WADE.]

Peter huh? Nice to video-meet you, I'm Deadpool.

You can't die? [Now that's interesting.] Why not?

[Don't mind if he looks like Deadpool is a potential science experiment. He's a huge nerd.]

Okay... [That's a weird way to refer to someone, as in it tells him nothing at all about him. He frowns slightly.]

I'm fifteen. [A small frown.] Nice to meet you, Mr. Deadpool.

For a lot of very uncomfortable, highly illegal, R-rated reasons that kind of sound like they were written by a sad edge-lord in the Nineties.

[Wade is essentially a science experiment! It's a look he's not unfamiliar with. Its the age attached to it though. That's weird.]

You don't look a day over thirteen.

[He's far less interested in hurting him though, he's just interested in knowing how he's different. It's okay, he's studied his own physiology.]

Don't ask, got it. [He smiles and lets the matter drop and he just sighs.]

I'm not that young, even if Mr. Stark keeps calling me a kid. I'm almost old enough to get my learner's permit!

[Oh yeah he should explain.] I'm an intern for Mr. Stark.

I'm old enough to buy a value sized bottle of vodka.

[Peter you are smol bb]

No kidding? Speaking of value sized vodka bottles, how's Tony doing? Hey, if you ever get out of here and remember, tell him I think he's super dreamy.

Hey I just thought of an experiment...

[Peter wonders what the effects of alcohol would be on a very fast metabolism.]

I can't say something like that to him! Mr. Stark would think I hit my head or something!

[Try as he might, he can't call him Tony.]

I can't help you with the vinegar and baking soda volcano, man. You have to do that one on your own. I've been like permanently forbidden from playing with that anymore after The Incident.

No no, really it's easy, you just look him dead in the eye and tell him that some jacked, super fun, really talented, extremely handsome gun for hire in Manhattan would absolutely Kringle his Christmas. I'm sure he's heard it before.

He should have, I know I keep sending those letters.

I'm far from volcanoes. I was wondering about the effects on alcohol on an enhanced metabolism compared to a regular one. [He's too young for this experiment. Literally.]

I...[He opens his mouth and closes it.] I don't even know what to say to that. I could tell him but probably not like that.

Hey, actually that does sound like fun. You know someone who's old enough to legally be the control group and not die of cheap alcohol poisoning?

That's fine, I'll just keep writing those postcards.

Do you have an enhanced metabolism? Interesting. And no, I don't think so, but somehow I bet you could find a volunteer.

[Science doesn't have to be scary.]

Uh, you do that. Don't feel bad, he doesn't call me back either.

I gotta burn something to keep growing limbs back. I will totally work on finding a scientific drinking buddy, there's gotta be someone around here who will get absolutely shitfaced in the name of science.

It's a noble sacrifice, the things people do for science. Let me know, I'll be happy to take notes.

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