genessia | 09 BRAINS ; anonymous text

Back home, I had a purpose. I had focus. Something to make my life feel like it's not just myself I'm looking out for. Now that I'm here, I still have to do the same reprehensible things I did back home. The difference here is I have no way of making it a part of some greater good. I do what I can to give some good back to society to make up for what I have to do but it seems like all I manage to do things that make things seem more bleak. Add in the severe lack of hope I have for any lasting life changes here, the inability to actually have a future for myself or relationships, and living with the only person who could possibly make me feel worse, and I'm a bag of cheesy poofs away from living on the couch.

How does someone motivate him or herself here? How do I make up for doing something I know is terrible even if it's better than the alternative? How do I keep myself from becoming a monster who feeds on others and doesn't help anyone but myself when I don't have anything real to give in this world?

The one thing that made me "me," the one thing I was confident I could make a difference with isn't an option, so how do I define myself when I have no idea what makes me anything but disgusting?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I don't know, but it sounds like you only have two options. You can either keep doing what you're doing, and eventually snap, possibly at the wrong person, or you can deal with it. You found a purpose before, either find a way to adapt it here or find something else you're good at. It's probably not the best answer, but I never got what made the whole 'greater good' so appealing in the first place and I'm not the best person to ask. If it was that simple, I doubt you'd be asking all of us.

In the meantime, try finding a different place, and maybe some friends who accept what you've done or had to do. Drink until you can't see straight and buy a couch untouched by cheese poofs.

It's not so much the greater good and more refusing to let myself become a monster.

I have a friend who accepts me. He's the kind of person who I'm sure would say I'm fine doing things as I am right now and to just keep doing what I can. It's hard advice for someone who doesn't accept themselves.

Also alcoholism? Tried it once. It didn't click with me.

Aren't you being a little theatrical? Whatever you've done won't make you a monster, but it might make you a bad person. You might just have to live with that.

Sounds like your mind is made up. I don't have a lot of advice to offer you. If I did, I'd probably be a lot better off. If you want to do it the hard (sober) way that's up to you.

I'm sorry the fact that I'm literally a B-movie monster trying to be a good person and very literally trying to not become a flesh-eating, horde-roaming, heartless and mindless monster is too theatrical for you. I've seen what happens to those of us who don't eat. I know how it feels when I don't have any way to make what I have to do to keep that from happening okay.

You meant a literal monster. Look on the bright side. You're more eloquent than any monster I've heard of and you care more than half the people who can't use the same excuse. Is it like some sort of craving...?

Craving is the feeling. If I don't satiate it, I get mean, then bitchy, then dumb, then rotting and apocalypse-inducing. The last two I can't come back from.

Lots of people get bitchy and dumb. Maybe not rotting, but apocalypses can be a thing. You just don't want to start one.

I'm sure someone could put a poetic twist on it that you didn't ask for.

The very definition of apocalypse is that it's the last thing. Not very inspiring. The bitchy and dumb is very noticeable and not me and it only lasts until I end up a mindless creature intent on killing and eating anything in my way and there's no way to come back from that.

Thanks but I'll pass. POetry isn't my thing.

At that point someone could stop you. With people reviving here, you might be back to your cheerful self once you wake up. But I doubt you'd want to find out.

Mine neither. I don't like thinking too deeply about things. Life purposes included in that.

There's only one way to kill me as far as I know and I wouldn't ask other people to kill me every time I lose control.

I can see why.

Afraid it would be too much for them?

Yeah, you're a perfect example of that.

Killing someone changes who you are, even in self-defense. I wouldn't do that to someone I cared about and I wouldn't trust a stranger to be reliable. And with how dying here seems to be solved with the loss of part of yourself, eventually there wouldn't be anything left of me anyway.

At least you're a better person and friend than some people such as yours truly. I'd offer to do it for a price, but I could see why you wouldn't trust a complete anonymous stranger with everyone's lives. But you're around right now. That might not even ever happen.

Guessing you're not going to share your name so we all know who's willing to kill someone for a few bucks.

Ah, yeah, no. But consider it more of a fall-back plan in the worst case scenario. It's not like I'd enjoy putting you out of your misery [he might a little] but I can. The cash is just more of an incentive to stay loyal~

I'm not hiring for a self-assassination.

Do what you want, but I offer a 50% discount on birthdays and I would have even let you pick your method of self-murder.

On the one hand, that's disgusting.
On the other hand, the comparative level of gross makes me feel a little better about myself.

[OUCH

He's over it.]

What can I say? I'm pretty good at making people feel better about themselves.

Congrats on the self-esteem.

When you have as many other winning qualities as me, you can't get caught up in the fact that deep down I'm kind of a scumbag.

An honest one.

Sure. When hiding behind a wall of anonymity. I doubt you go around talking about your identity crisis to every person out there.

09 BRAINS ; anonymous text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Re: Anon Text

Re: Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text

Anon Text