genessia | Migraines and things

Entry tags:

Migraines and things

Who: Smoker & anyone for any reason
Where: Fayren shore
What: Mr. Grumpypants marine has a migraine headache.
When: July 27th at like nearly 4 am.

[Leaving a small note, a pot of coffee sans one travel mug worth, and a pot of ramen soup sans one thermos worth, Smoker isn't completely sure that it'll be enough, but probably better than alerting any general populous that he's not there, even if he did set a couple of metaphorical watchdogs to keep an eye on things.]

[He takes along a small pocket radio, half curious if it'll even work in Fayren, and heads out to the beach.]

[For a breath of fresh air.]

[And to eat his ramen.]

[And think.]

[And overthink.]

[And over think everything ever.]

[As he does.]

[And to try to deal with a migraine headache that won't let him sleep.]

[But if he can't sleep? Neither can you.]

[Which is why he's sitting on the shore, trying to fiddle with the radio player.]

[And maybe toast marshmallows for s'mores.]

[Or roast fish he caught.]

[AND stack rocks.]

[And make a small sand castle you literally won't see until you crush it oops. That's okay, he didn't like it anyway.]

[But at least he'll get to greet the sunrise.]

[He hates sunrises =\]

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[rolls his eyes and flops back into the sand with his hat over his face] You started it. [or he was fairly sure anyway]

I told you I'm not going to do that kind of thing. A million times. Listen for once.

No, you said dating.

And frankly, that's kind of why I was offended that you thought I would hurt a girl like that. You won't even let them get anywhere near that close to you, but you expect that it's fine for me? Give me a break.

It's the same thing, isn't it? [more or less] And if a girl likes it that's fine isn't it? [he doesn't get it at all] You're good with them anyway you said so ...of course it's fine for girls to be with you...

[he doesn't get this conversation at all]

You're really weird, Taisa.

Either my head is throbbing too much, or you're too sleepy for this conversation.

One or the other.

[Or both. Because Smoker doesn't get this conversation either. Why does it always end up like this?]

I'm not ruling myself out of dating. Or sex. And girls say they like things they don't just to try to make guys happy. Isn't that why you're-- [He doesn't finish that thought.]

Wait. No I don't get this either. Why are you--

[Drags a palm down his face.]

You're not going to understand me by asking misleading questions. This isn't the real me, Portgas. It's just shades of grey. [Waves a hand and makes a small cloud to cover Ace's head in, before poofing it off towards the ocean.]

[he wasn't saying any of that. Or at least not the way Smoker thought he said it. Maybe he was right. One or the other of them was missing everything completely]

I know the important things. [waves his hand] But I wasn't trying to mislead I just-- don't get it. I don't get you. But it is what it is, I guess.

[he envies people who can speak so easily with Smoker like it's nothing-- and understand him too. He wishes he could.]

No.

I meant you were misleading yourself.

You're going off on random trails in the woods thinking that because you're a trailblazer, you're doing something. But all you're doing is getting us both lost.

What do you really want to know?

I ... what?

I don't want to know anything, I was just talking.

Ahhh forget it!

[he puts his hat on and rolls to his feet]

This is impossible.

Sorry.

[He doesn't get it. Any of it.]

[All of it.]

[He wants to go back to hating Ace and Ace just trying to annoy him and get under his skin.]

[And he wants to open the veins that might be infected with pirate cooties and let all that blood out until it was pure again.]

[Or whatever.]

[And he doesn't know why anything he says seems to set Ace off or--]

[His voice is quiet. Just thoughtful.]

Why were you avoiding me?

[For the what? 7th or 8th time?]

[Why did he sign onto this?]

[Justice?]

[Maybe he is just that much of a masochist after all.]

Don't apologize, stupid

[What kind of a Marine are you?

But why? He lets out a breath. He shouldn't have said it really. He looks out at the water, hands in his pockets.]

I feel like a coward... It's weird. You just remind me of that is all. [shrug]

[Tugs Ace in a one-armed chokehold around the neck. It's almost a hug, if you squint REALLY REALLY hard and ignore the fact that he's also way closer to choking him than not.]

There's only three people I would never say have a single ounce of cowardice inside them.

You, Whitebeard, and Tashigi.

Don't call yourself a coward, otherwise there's nothing the rest of the world could ever do right enough to match that.

[ There are so many things he doesn't understand about you and he feels a little better only he knows the truth...and if that guy manages to hurt anyone he loves he'll never forgive himself. Would Smoker understand that?

In any case as much as he likes being in Smoker's list of courageous people...]

Luffy, too.

[ Because he's the bravest that Ace knows. Which is probably also why he's the stupidest.]

Too stupid to understand the dangers.

[Sorry Ace, he is as blunt as his jitte, and twice as salty.]

[But yeah, if Ace mentioned that, Smoker does understand. That's why he considers him as courageous as Whitebeard. Someone who would take on the slings and arrows and cannonballs of a whole army for his army.]

[he laughs]

Yeah. But still brave. You can't be Pirate King if you run.

Portgas....

[Face palms.] He always runs away from me. I know you haven't lived it yet, but you even helped him with that.

And you're not running away. You're protecting your family and loved ones from being hurt in sabotage. Isn't that what made Whitebeard the strongest?

Pops is the strongest because we're his sons. We keep each other strong. [and they'd all every one of them sacrifice themselves for him.]

There's nothing wrong with getting help so you can move forward.

Your double standards are showing again, Freckles.

You say there's nothing wrong with accepting help, but only for everyone else but yourself, isn't that right?

Something like that. [if he was strong enough he wouldn't need it and if he needed it he needed to get stronger. It was completely different]

[Nudges said freckles with a gentle fist push.]

I told you already. Stop holding yourself to higher standards than the rest of the universe. It makes it too difficult to keep up.

Then the rest of the universe better train harder. [pushes his fist away]

Next time... [he doesn't know. He'll do something even better]

Edited 2016-07-28 00:00 (UTC)

[>:|]

Next time you'll what? [Growls.]

[He's so furious and desperate to try to get through to Ace, and nothing's working and he doesn't know if he wants to strangle the kid for real or actually kiss him to try to short circuit the wrong wires.]

You'd hate yourself if Adela or your brother got hurt, and that's exactly what he would do. That's exactly what --

[Akainu would do. Did do. Would do again if he was here.]

[This time Smoker gets up and away, so he won't do something he might regret. Start something he can't finish.]

[He picks up his jitte and starts moving through forms with it, eyes closed, just using haki to feel his way through the energy, like Fujitora did now.]

[He couldn't remember the last time he was this frustrated. Too much helplessness.]

[Again, he debated kissing Portgas or punching him.]

Do you have any idea what it's like to have your hands this tied up? [Shoots him a furious glare.] I hate that you remind me of my own men. I hate that I give a damn. I hate that you're so damn well-liked that even if you just get a little bit nicked, everyone else will just fall to pieces over it. I hate that you can't remember shit and that I have to know it all!

And I am so sick to death of your double standards and the way you ignore it all because lucky fucking you, you're a pirate. So you get to pretend the consequences don't faze you.

Just leave everyone else to pick up the pieces.

You tell me to take care of Adela, because you'd endanger her, but then you do it anyway.

Do you ever even slow down enough to breathe, much less think?

[Speaking of which, Smoker takes a deep breath, facing back out to the ocean, back to Ace.]

I hate how much I like you. How everyone likes you. And you don't know what to do with it because you're so convinced you'll hurt them, so you try to push them away, but again, you do the same stupid half-way thing, because for all you call me soft-hearted, you're five times weaker there. You like everyone and want them to feel liked, but Oh no, never for yourself. No no, Mr. Portgas is too strong for that.

[Just levels the jitte tip at Ace's face.]

If you're so cowardly, then why the hell are you here? Why do you persist in watching over a man whose job it is to see you dead? The only time you're a coward is when you run away, not from a fight, but from me. Because you're chickenshit worried about what kind of effect I'll have on you. Because you're so obsessed with trying to look after me that you don't even treat me like a grown man.

[Puts the jitte back into the sand, smoking over the clenched fists, bordering on turning his arms completely to smoke.]

Well, good job Portgas. You want me to look after the people you care about? Fine. But I'm going to do it with all my conviction. Even if that means kicking your ass. You want to hurt them by getting into stupid fights? Then you have to go through me first.

[he did treat him like a grown man. And of course he was worried he'd put Adela in danger which was why Smoker was there. He wasn't sure why Smoker was friends with him when he was meant to kill him, but then he wasn't sure whether Smoker actually liked him or not or actually knew he did. He cared but he didn't care. Or he said he did and said he didn't and Ace wasn't sure what to believe so it was easier just to let Smoker be Smoker.

He felt strangely uncomfortable about everyone being left to pick up the pieces but he wasn't sure how he could take care of it all. He could only hunt and fight. Afterwards were harder to think of. But it was better than everyone else taking the brunt of his carelessness because he didn't. And not wanting anyone to like him... it... he wanted it but he didn't. He couldn't understand himself so he couldn't expect Smoker to. He loved it and he hated it about himself. People liking him was dangerous and they should stop--except for his nakama who could handle it, everyone else...

No... he didn't know how to understand it. He didn't know how to explain it. They couldn't talk to one another.

He puts a hand over Smoker's fist.]

You think too much, Taisa.

[what's the difference between running away from one thing or another? Except one gets people killed and the other... there was still too much about Smoker that he was unsure about. Too much that could go wrong.]

It's not that you're not a man but I want to do it how I want to do it. But you look after them, so I'm grateful. Also you're funny and I respect you and I'm a pirate so that's why. You could be one too if you wanted.

[luck had nothing to do with it. But saying more than that ...it also makes him feel too vulnerable... And he can't be that unbalanced. Not when everything else is already. He can never seem to find his footing with Smoker as it is and doesn't want to make it worse]

But thank you for looking after them. If I'm not strong enough to get through you then I don't have business fighting whomever...

["Don't say things like that so easily, stupid."]

[But the words are dead on his lips.]

[His face is too red, and his ears are too, and migraines are not good for thinking straight.]

I can't be a pirate.

[He didn't want to. He'd hate himself. More than he already did.]

[It's mumbled, and Smoker can't look Ace in the eyes, but his arms go back to human, and he grabs Ace by the back of the head, removes the cigars, and kisses him hard, apologizing mentally to Adela.]

Don't say things like that so easily. [Huffs as he lets go and goes back to sit down in the sand, with his legs outstretched.]

Not the pirate thing. [Replaces the cigars.] Everything else. [Don't respect him. Smoker doesn't have enough respect for himself for that.]

I still think you could take him. And that you could have taken another guy. But you said yourself, it's not a weakness to need help. Like it or not, people would want to help you. And you can't stop them and fight at the same time.

Stupid brat.

[No, but he really does hate Ace. Just not as much as he wants to.]

[he knew Smoker couldn't be a pirate. That was why--

Edited 2016-07-28 02:51 (UTC)

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