genessia | 19th Aura

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19th Aura | Video

[Jaune seems to have exhaled a deep breath just prior to beginning the video. For once, he's not in the Guardian Skyrise, but his apartment. He doesn't know or particularly care what happened to his office, seeing as he quit with no notice. Biting his lip and twisting his hands nervously, it's clearly awkward for him, but he looks cleaner than he did. Healthier.]

I heard the world exploded or something again while I was gone. And Emerald's famous now, making the world exploding less of a shock. So I guess I'm just going to ask if I missed anything important and say hi to all the new arrivals.

Hi all the new arrivals. I'm Jaune.

[A forced shrug of his shoulders, he leans back a little as if to get away from the camera.]

I found another job, one I think that's going to work out. But there are some obstacles-- like officially learning how to drive. [Look he can drive/fly just fine but he's put off taking any tests so he's been driving without a license when he's needed to.]

I don't know as much stuff as some people who've been in Genessia, but I've been here a while and I've read everything the GSRF has about what they've found out. I don't necessarily understand everything, I'm not a scientist, but if you ever have any questions, I'll try to answer them as best as I can in...less scienc-y terms.

[He ends the feed.]

[Video | Private to Weiss]
[After agonizing whether to visit or message Weiss, seeming to come to a decision before retracting it just as quickly, he decides messaging her is the best and least intrusive option. He's a lot quieter in this video, considering their last conversation. But there's still some anxious warmth in his voice, like he's trying to make this as normal as possible but he knows he can't.]

Hey so I heard you're public enemy number one now.

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Not really, but it's something that needs to be done, right?

[ He brings over the pots and pans, and just like promised there is an abundance of steaks.

Too bad Cassian's attention is far more on Jaune than on the food. ]

I've been concerned for you.

I mean there's always the option to not talk and just eat. Eating's a thing.

[He grimaces and tries to just focus on the delicious steaks, but there's no avoiding it.]

Isn't being concerned a little excessive? [He laughs nervously.

His shoulders slump.

How much would Cassian hate him if he ran for it and grabbed some steaks?]

[ He wouldn't hate him for it but he would be more than a little annoyed. And not leave Jaune in peace until he gets him to talk. Sorry, Jaune. ]

I don't know, you tell me if there's reason to be concerned. Some people can torture and move on with their lives but I got the impression that you aren't one of them.

[ That's a compliment. Maybe. ]

[Fortunately, Jaune's loyalty to his friends is stronger than his anxiety over the subject. Or it's more important to him. He's become very stiff, playing with his hands and avoiding eye contact.]

No... You're not wrong. Do you know a lot of people who have tortured, Cassian?

[ Oh. Why did he have to ask that? Now Cassian's tensing up, too, and keeps his eyes on his plate. ]

I've been a soldier in wartimes for most of my life, a certain amount of unpleasantness is to be expected.

I guess so.

[He catches the way he tenses, immediately regretting saying anything. He shouldn't have mentioned it to begin with. Cassian has enough on his plate. It would have been fine.]

I guess why I'm asking is...there are probably situations where you don't have much of a choice and you think you have to. I didn't have to, and the worst part was, I wasn't doing it because someone had to do it and to get it over with. I was doing it because I was mad, she was there, and I felt in the right.

[He's definitely not looking at him now.]

[ Well. Kriff. This is bad. This is the kind of bad that calls for the base counselor, not a spy who deals with his demons by drowning them with new demons. ]

Hmm...

[ He puts down the cutlery and forces himself to push aside all his own unease and memories as well. Cassian leans forward, elbows propped up on the table. The calm confidence he is exuding isn't even halfway real, but this is him trying to do good. To reassure himself as much as Jaune that at least one of them knows what he's doing. ]

What you did was wrong. It can't be allowed to happen. The good guys don't torture for fun or out of anger. [ He lets a heartbeat pass. ] But it happens. People are fallible, even good people.

[The truth is one that has him flinching, but he meets Cassian's eyes. He looks so certain, so calm in the face of something Jaune has been battling with since he made his choice. He wonders what Cassian has seen to be able to handle this and not yell at him, act horrified or refuse talking to him at all. He starts nodding in acceptance. What he did can't be undone, but--]

I'm not a good person.

[He murmurs the words, pushing the fork a couple of inches to the side. There's a dullness in his eyes as he admits it, as blandly as he would describe the weather.]

Just a selfish one trying to be less selfish.

[ Well, at least one of them is buying the calm and confident act. His own belly feels queasy with nerves. To see Jaune so defeated only makes Cassian feel more doubt in his own abilities to help him get better instead of worse. ]

Because you made a mistake? [ He arches an eyebrow at Jaune. ] That doesn't make you selfish. Misled, in the wrong even, but it's got little to do with selfishness. It would be selfish if you blamed others for your mistakes. But you didn't try to absolve yourself and blame it on the woman.

[He feels guilty for even bringing it up, but he has no idea of the impact it has on Casdian. But someone who has probably seen other people make the wrong decisions could probably understand more than a therapist. He shrugs, trying to force some of the tension off, probably failing.]

I--I guess so. I've done that before, but not that time. But that's why I quit and stepped back. I still want to fight, do the good thing and all like you do, but I'm scared I'll do something even worse.

It could happen. [ No beating about the bushes, he's dedicated himself to this course now. ] Doing terrible things becomes easier every time, and you have to be careful that it never stops bothering you. People will tell you that you need to stop being all messed up or hurting, but I think it's a good thing. This is one of the times when being in pain tells you that you're still alive.

[ He picks up his cutlery again, though his appetite is gone. ]

Stepping back's one way way to go about it. It will remove the temptation. But it's not going to make you trust yourself again, will it?

I've kind of noticed that. It wasn't the first time I was tempted. There just wasn't anyone to stop me this time.

[He feels bad for ruining the mood. But he takes his own cutlery and starts carving into the steak. He isn't going to waste his host's generous resources.

He's not particularly hungry now, but chewing on the steak gives him something else to focus on while he thinks of a way to answer.] No, if I avoid it, no one else has to get hurt, but I won't... I won't learn to move forward with it either.

You won't.

[ Cassian keeps himself busy with his food for a little while, too, they both need a break.

Finally he leans forward again, eyes on Jaune. His disappearance makes a lot more sense now to Cassian and he wonders how many people know the reason for his strange behavior lately. If he has anyone else to confide in, anyone he's closer to. ]

You don't have to move forward today or tomorrow, you know. You can take it at your own pace. But please don't hide forever. You did good as Deputy, I'd hate for you to disappear into obscurity over this incident.

[He forces himself to eat, which is strange in itself and not something that happens unless he's really troubled. Placing his fork down, he meets Cassian's eyes. Jaune has friends, but there are certain subjects he wouldn't trust or try to burden them with, and while he'll eventually tell Weiss, they have their own stuff to figure out. His own face betrays his legitimate disbelief and surprise when he comments that he did good. He narrows his eyes, waiting for the punchline.

When there is none, he goes forward with the conversation, as if that one sentence never happened.]

I-- I won't give up forever. I'll take it slow. But there are some things I should probably figure out, before jumping in again. People like us, we have to. Don't we?

Cassian's hands still again. He looks up, slowly, his eyes guarded.

We have to figure things out, or have to jump in again?

[ Both, of course, both is true, but he is overcome by wriggles of worry that Jaune has seen too much. He hasn't really let him in on what he has done and who he is, not like Emerald and Garrus. What if he knows now, if Cassian's lack of shock has given away too much about his own sins? ]

Jump in again. Someone has to and once you start living that way...I don't know. It's kind of hard to stop.

[He knows nothing specific about Cassian, and while he wouldn't be surprised if he did stuff he regretted in a time of war, he's talking about Cassian's tendency to throw himself out there.]

[ Cassian nods, he's once again pretending to be occupied with his food. ]

I know I can't stop. I've been going at full blast for years. I... I can't let myself stop. It's easier when you don't stop.

[ If you let your mind come to rest, if you start thinking about what you've done... No, he's been too afraid to let that happen back with the Rebel Alliance, and he's still too afraid. ]

Yeah. [He shoves another piece into his mouth.]

You don't have to think as much. But I guess...some people can move past that differently and still live some semblance of a normal life. [He smiles, a bit too brightly. He was wrong to ever think he would be one of those people.] You're right, Cass. I need to get back out there, because that's what I have.

[ He just stirs around in his food now, this isn't the best conversation topic to keep up your appetite, though the food is useful to keep your hands busy. ]

I... don't think you can only have one or the other? I thought so all my life but in Attleton I have both. I have a fairly normal life, or that's what Emerald keeps telling me anyway, but that's based on keeping too busy to... you know.[ He waves a fork around.

Think about your actions and have a breakdown, pretty much. ]

I mean. You have Kay. [He stabs a piece with more force than he means, before deciding to switch the subject to something less awkward.]

So how are you and Emerald?

[ Yes, he has Kay, but it's not like that was easy, or if it'll ever be easy, no matter how happy they make another. He frowns at the mention of Emerald, exhaling loudly. ]

Better. I think? I'm not sure. I don't think she hates me anymore, but...

[ Now it's his turn to poke listlessly at his food, looks like it. ]

It's not like it used to be. Apart from Kay, she's the one I talked to most easily. Both here and back home. Now? I'm not sure where we stand.

[ And he's afraid of saying the wrong thing - again - and losing her for good, really. ]

[No, it's never easy. But there's still a pang of jealousy. Not at him and Kay specifically, but what they have.]

Why would she hate you? More than she hates anyone. [He quickly adds, glancing up at Cassian in confusion.]

Emerald's a jerk. And I say that as someone who likes being around her and might kindasortaconsiderherafriend. How is it hard to tell where you stand with her?

[ For all the hardships, such companionship is precious. If only he knew more about Jaune's terrible bad luck with romance he would understand, even sympathize.

But they're still talking about Emerald, and that's difficult enough. He shrugs in discomfort. ]

She'd hate me more because we're friends. Were friends. But she felt betrayed by me and I felt betrayed by her. And now...

[ He chuckles bitterly. ]

It sounds ridiculous when you put it into words.

[He'd feel bad, but it was taking the attention off of him.]

...It's not stupid. I don't think Emerald is really used to having friends. And, from the sound of it, you aren't either. Betrayal stings more than most things, but I think we both know that Emerald...it's just different for her. And it's hard, but one of you needs to be the bigger person right now and forgive the other person. Even if it's at the expense of your own feelings. I think we both know which one of you that person is.

[ Well you gotta do what you gotta do. Cassian would do the same but uncomfortable as it is, it's also nice to talk about this to someone who knows Emerald well.

Even if he doesn't like what Jaune has to say, and sighs heavily at this. ]

That's not what I'd been hoping to hear, you know. [ He rubs a hand over his face. ] But you're right. It will have to be me. I'm just... I'm not all that experienced at being the bigger person, either.

19th Aura | Video

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