genessia | VI ✖ ＫＩＬＬ【Log】

Entry tags:

VI ✖ ＫＩＬＬ【Log】

Who: Mikasa Ackerman, Jean Kirstein, & Armin Alert
What: Mikasa feels bad about what happened in the early morning hours, even if it was something that needed to be done, so she makes the effort to try to make things better and also to talk to Armin about something.
When: March 5th
Where: Casa AoT originally while talking to Armin, but then going to talk to Jean later.
Style: Starting in 3rd, but I switching to 1st in comments.

[ A R M I N | E A R L I E R ]

Mikasa couldn't say that the morning argument they had was something that she was proud of, even if it was a bit short lived once Mikasa arrived. She'd wanted to go after Jean and apologize, but she had Armin to look after right now. She didn't like it... She didn't like Jean walking off in the middle of the early hours of morning to avoid the apartment again... She didn't like the fact that she'd felt that she'd done something bad even if it was necessary in that moment of time. She didn't like any of this conflict, and yet she was partially to blame because she'd known about it since Marco arrived and even before then but never said anything.

It was probably better to just rip off the band-aid so to speak, but she didn't think Marco was emotionally ready to hear about his death. Still, after attending to Armin and trying to calm him down and make him feel better in the early hours of the morning, they managed to finally sleep; though she'd ended up falling asleep next to Armin on the couch because she didn't want to wake Eren up and doubted that that was possible after that.

Given a few hours later for him to really calm down, she'd woken a little earlier than everyone else. It seems that even if the argument hadn't happened, she still wasn't likely to get much sleep after yesterday. Letting out a deep yawn, she faced the facts that she probably wasn't going to get much sleep even if she tried, so she just got up and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

Absent mindedly looking to the room that Jean stayed in in the tiny apartment, she let out a small sigh before setting down the glass to go see if he'd come back at some point. Still gone... He was... still gone... She made the mental note to go look for Jean, but for now she really needed to talk to Armin and not because of Marco this time...

Going over to Armin sleeping on the couch, she put the blanket she'd shared with him over him to cover him better, trying not to wake him up.

[ J E A N | L A T E R ]

After her talk with Armin, it left Mikasa even more confused about what to do. She didn't understand why she felt the way she did. She didn't know what to do. Armin had a girlfriend once before so she thought he'd be more help than the rest of the people here. Even so she was still unsure of what to do about this. She liked Jean. It had come to that conclusion and it was such a strange thought because... she never paid too much attention to him back home. Then again... back home they had a lot more pressing matters to keep themselves busy. There was no avoiding it here. His comfort and those dates they'd gone on meant a lot to her... A lot more than she'd ever thought they would.

And then he found out about her past somehow within their conversation yesterday. It was something that Mikasa didn't try to think too much about and really hadn't talked about it extensively in years. Between Eren and her... they weren't too keen on thinking about that day that he'd saved her because of the night terrors she'd experienced after it. Armin only knew the basics of what happened, but he was considerate enough not to say much about it either. And now that she had remembered everything (although it was almost impossible to forget) and talked about her parents for the first time in years... she hadn't really experienced night terrors.

They couldn't classify as night terrors anymore, the nightmares she'd gotten as a child were coming back to her. She was older now, but it didn't make them any less uncomfortable or easier to deal with. All that was certain was that sleeping had certainly become an issue after. Between that and what happened between Armin, Jean, and her... it made her restless. Still even if he knew what happened to her as a child now.... there was comfort in being able to just sort of... let it go. Physically contact was definitely a strange thing for Mikasa much at all, but his warm hand and his caring hugs did help her calm down a bit. It made her feel... a little better even.

She'd tried to look for him, but she didn't find him. Eventually she let out a sigh and tried to call him. This wasn't so much about her recent feelings surfacing as much as she wanted to tell him sorry. She wanted to talk to him about Marco again and... she knew he probably didn't want to. She felt that she needed to try to talk to him about what happened though. And she wanted to ask for his permission about her thoughts on what to do about Marco. During the time she couldn't sleep, she'd thought a lot about what to do.

Nothing. He didn't pick up. Trying again..., "Come up! Answer me please..."

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[She could leave if she wanted to. She should have left. And... then once her stopped her and wrapped his arms around her, she stopped.]

I... know that now...

[She had people looking up to her. She had people that needed her... and with the reckless comment all train of thought came to a stop. "if you're going to be reckless, let someone go with you"... What? Let somebody die with her? That's what she had planned on letting happen that day and... had anyone else been with her, she probably wouldn't have thought about it.]

I...I know.... I promised then and there that I wouldn't ever give up again. You... won't lose me.

[This physical contact was... strange to her but... By this point she was getting a little better about it. Maybe it was the memories that made her not care? Or maybe it was the fact that this was Jean here and it was comforting. Breaking away from his hold, she turned around to properly hug him.]

[He could hear her words, but something was still wrong. He wasn't fully convinced. After all, a lot had happened in a short span of time, and as much as he wanted to be comforted by what she said, realistically, it probably wouldn't be that simple. He held onto her, this time for his own security, burying his face against her hair so his voice came out muffled.]

That's not good enough.

I mean, how the hell am I supposed to be okay with that? How can I know you won't give up for sure? Fuck, Mikasa, I can't lose you too.

[His voice nearly cracked on the verge of tears, but he was quick to shut it back in, settling for his own type of angry worry because it was easier. It was easier than being scared and helpless. He lifted up his head, and the wind stung against his eyes, clearing them of any tears that might have otherwise fallen.]

Promise me. Promise you won't give up. I want to hear it, from you, right now.

Edited 2015-03-09 07:55 (UTC)

[It was stuff like that that made her feel confused about her feelings lately. So many feelings that were stirring inside her and if they had been back home, she'd at least be able to ignore them. She'd at least be able to keep herself distracted, whether it was from fighting or just trying to survive... Here she didn't have anything like that to distract her thoughts. Her talk with Armin earlier did help a little though. She'd at least been able to admit that there was something there, even if she couldn't fully understand it.

And then hearing his voice slightly crack as he said that, she looked up just enough to see a stray tear. Sure she was sure she'd get Eren or Armin get that emotional over what she said, or even anyone else, but it struck a chord seeing Jean do it. It hurt. She didn't like it. She didn't like seeing him hurt like this.]

You won't lose me. [She repeated softly.] I promise. I promise that I won't give up ever again. I promise to you that I'll never intentionally throw my life away. Because... I have more reasons to live now.

So please... don't cry. I... don't like seeing you hurt.

[You won't lose me. He let out a shaky breath, leaning against her and held onto her even tighter than before. Whether she was right would never be certain, but at least he could be sure that she would continue to value her life, which gave them a better chance than before.

It felt good to hear her say that. He wondered if he was one of those reasons.]

Thank you.

[But he felt oddly vulnerable, and he didn't like it. It wasn't embarrassing anymore, at least not around Mikasa, but it was unfamiliar and he didn't want to lose even more control over how he felt. So, after a second, he eased his hold on her, his head still too muddled for him to form a complete sentence.]

Wasn't.

Edited 2015-03-09 08:36 (UTC)

[That was pretty muddled, but she caught the gist of what he was saying. Letting out a small "hmph", she rolled her eyes at him. At the very least, the "hmph" sounded more playful than serious.]

Right. Of course you weren't....

[Laying her head against his chest again, she let out a small sigh.]

You know... it's strange... Despite the seriousness in the conversations we've had lately... I feel more at ease around you.

[Maybe she shouldn't have said that? At least her faint blush red cheeks were hidden for the most part.]

'Course.

[Things has eased into a comfortable sort of quiet. Sort of like after an intense run on the perfect day. Playful Mikasa was a side of her still new to him, and one he had rarely seen, but he found her to be incredibly cute. He brushed his fingers through her hair, enjoying its softness.]

It's because we're not at a distance anymore. There was always something interfering, whether it was external, like the Titans, or thanks to our own decisions.

[Speaking of admiring at a distance... Maybe it wasn't the best idea, and maybe he wasn't thinking clearly, because he blurted out:]

I used to draw pictures of you.

[Blushing wise, now they can match.]

Yeah... So I've noticed... It's... easier to distract myself at home than it is here...

[Which was a little problematic when it meant she actually had to think about certain things more closely. Glancing up, she gave a slightly surprised look, forgetting that she had been blushing all together.]

I.. You did?

[He conveniently avoided her eyes, focused on that one really interesting cloud.]

All the time. I...wanted to show you someday, and give you one to keep, but I could never capture how pretty you are on paper.

So there. Now you know something about me no one else does.

[She normally just shrugged off compliments at it was, but considering what's happened between them recently, it's not helping that blush of her. In fact, it's getting a little brighter and warmer.

This place... It was messing with her. She hadn't really smiled much back at home and barely even here. Over time without any distractions and the innocence of some people here, she couldn't help those very faint ones from time to time.

But Jean just seemed to keep giving her reasons to. She really did like him... So even better than just a faint smile, she couldn't help that light laughter. It felt so foreign to laugh, but she couldn't help notice how cute he was acting right now.]

Right. Perfect girl and everything right?

[Laughter and playful teasing. Who does he think he is?]

Well, it's good to know one of the things that we're admitting to that people don't know about is positive. I'd love to see them someday if I could.

[It was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. Stunned, he stared at Mikasa, his heart hammering in his chest as he was overcome with an overwhelming sense of giddiness. Yeah. He had done that. Had anyone else heard Mikasa laugh before? He hadn't, and he had known her for several years. He couldn't even act flustered at her teasing.

Shit she was adorable.]

You said it. I just happen to agree with it.

[Feeling more comfortable, he leaned his forehead to rest against hers. She could probably feel the heat radiating off his cheeks.]

How about we just start from scratch? Hopefully I don't suck as much as I used to. That and you've gotten more perfect. I need to take that into consideration.

[Has she ever blushed this much before? She doesn't think she has... She's more than content staying like this. Why worried about being confused about what to do about these feeling...? Why not just... let things happen? That should make things easier, right?]

I... I'd like that but.... I still don't think I'm anything close to "perfect".

But I... I think.... I'd like to try that coffee you had if it's possible.

[Is she using that as an excuse to do the do-over? Yep. She sure is.]

Edited 2015-03-09 09:40 (UTC)

[This feels oddly intimate, like no one else is there. If his blushing was anything to go by, he should have been too embarrassed to speak, but he felt at ease around her like this.]

I know you don't.

[Actually, he doesn't remember what he even ordered. He remembers Mikasa's drink, but not his own. But he doesn't care about that, he just smiles faintly.]

I could use some coffee.

[He doesn't really want to move. He likes this, but, well...they can hug in the coffee shop or some shit. Reluctantly, he pulls away, but he holds onto one of her hands when he does.]

I think it was this way.

[It was pretty intimate, but it's also nice. Nodding to him as he pulls away and takes her hand, she returned the faint smile as they walked on.]

So do you draw that often?

[She should be talking about Marco, but.... after all of their dates having serious topics, she figured something lighter would be nice for a change.]

[And now he's flustered. Blurting it out was fine, but he's not particularly used to the attention with it being something he keeps to himself.]

Not so much anymore. It's just a hobby. It's been at least a few months since I've bothered to draw anything.

[Your secret is out which means possible teasing and actual interest. Given the events back home, she could understand why.]

Well, maybe you could do it more here? I mean.. if you want to of course. I don't think I've actually ever tried to draw much myself, so I probably wouldn't be any good at it.

[If it means he gets to see her happy, he's fine with the teasing. Just please. Don't tell Jaeger.]

Maybe. It's not like I don't have free time. If you're interested, I could teach you. I had to teach myself, but there are some guidelines starting out that helped me.

[She'd have no reason to, so you're safe there.]

I.. wouldn't mind trying.

[Which is Mikasa language saying yes, she'd love that.]

[Fuck yes so great he's so happy he told her his embarrassing secret.]

We can start whenever's a good time for you. Or whenever you feel like. We don't have to have a set schedule on it.

[See, it's not so bad, Jean.]

Maybe after I get off work.

[And there's the coffee shop in the distance.]

Sure.

[He'll have to make sure he's not out around that time. He displays the usual manners saved only for Mikasa, and still holding her hand, waits at the end of the line.]

[While waiting in line with fingers entwined with his, she looked over to him for a moment before turning to look absent mindedly at the menu board again...]

But you know... It would make it easier and... more comfortable if you returned home.

[She'd rather be able to relax in their apartment with him after work and wind down for the night.]

[He paused, pretending to be distracted by the menu when in reality he was trying to find a way out of this conversation.]

I'm not not home. I can still come by any time you want me to. I haven't moved, so I'm technically still there.

[He wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, so this was hard for him too. Maybe if he just left during the day...but that was when the others he was actually trying to avoid worked, so it didn't make much of a difference.]

You haven't moved, but you may as well have...

[It's clear from her tone that she doesn't like that answer.]

You can still come any time I want you to, right? [Finally glancing up to him.] Well.. I want you to be there all the time.

That's not...entirely true.

[He's just out all the time. And sleeping at libraries when he needs a nap. And avoiding everything to do with the apartment.

But he doesn't care about any of that, because he swears his heart has made a new home in his ears, because that's basically all he can hear other than the mumble of the crowd.

Had she--

She had said that.]

All the time?

yes. I don't want... [looking away again after letting out a small somewhat sad sounding sigh. That menu board is pretty interesting right now... except she's not even reading what it says.] I don't like you avoiding the apartment. I... I want you to be there.

[..."With me" was left off of that sentence, but judging by her tone of voice and slightly sad look, it could probably be inferred that that's what she was about to say.]

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