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Excuse me.

I got a question.

[There... is a very oddly dressed man on screen. A full body spandex suit with a mask, which on anyone else would look stupid-

It still looks stupid.

But it looks stupid while showcasing the fact that this man is built like a brick shit house and is further more, armed to the teeth. Two katanas sheathed at his back, two guns in the holster, a bandolier filled with ammo, it appears there's a few daggers sheathed around his boots-]

Can I get this necklace in maybe like a vermilion or like maybe a dark sort of galaxy cut ruby?

I got fucking taste here, don't insult me with this garbage.

[And a text later]

Also where the fuck am I and who do I have to shank for a sandwich around here?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Yeah but you weren't the king of the underworld and your boobs aren't half as nice.

... Do.... do you have anyone like that here? I'm serious, I gotta know.

Look it's supposed to be mysterious and thought provoking.

Does your wife wear spandex and a mask too?

Oh. Yeah. [He shrugs. He just looks tired.] It happens a lot here, I think the most recent one who was trying to take over Nova City just opened up a real estate agency or something. It's hard to keep up.

I'm sorry, I just don't see what's so mysterious about pools.

No. She wears a lot less than that.

... Excuse me.

[And for like a solid minute, just laughter. Just...]

I MEAN LIKE I GUESS IT WORKED FOR NORMAN TOO BUT GODDAMN-

[Continuing laughter]

IT'S LIKE APOCALYPSE OPENING A TAX FIRM-

[WHEEZE]

Edited 2016-11-05 08:32 (UTC)

Just a mask?

I'm not sure. I don't--

[Fully understand, but: Spandex, lots of weapons, hot wife, another guy with a ridiculous name who's probably evil...]

Is he some sort of bad guy?

If I said almost I wouldn't be lying.

Yeah. Yeah Apocalypse is uh... he's kinda evil. I mean kinda sorta.

...Okay. [That's not uncomfortable to think about at all. Nope.]

What about you?

Well I kinda have more on than just a mask and my tits don't look half as good and I think she pulls a thong off better than I do but I could always use a second opinion.

No that's okay you're probably forty what I meant was, how evil are you? Do you wear spandex to help people, or to hurt them?

Forty six!

Some people identify as morally nonbinary, asshole.

I was close, okay?

So...antihero?

Is that what the kids are calling it these days? I mean I guess I may as well be eighty six now.

I think it's great that you're old and still brave enough to wear spandex. You do you.

You're so good for my ego, I'm glad kids are getting into the heroing business now.

I wish I started when I was five.

I wish I could fight you without worrying about you throwing out your back.

I wish I could fight you without worrying about you getting on twitter to cry to your girlfriend about your ass getting kicked.

You know what I just wish I could fight you.

Well I'm standing here alone and cold kiddo, better come find me before I make my own crime to stop.

Sure, Tights.

[He's all the way in a different city and he doesn't want Weiss to yell at him for using her car. It takes him a while, but he eventually reaches the Bay. He still wears his crappy, plain armor, but he has his shield out and is wearing a gauntlet of similar material on his sword arm that looks like, to put it delicately, he superglued a chamber on it that glows blue. It's not that impressive, but it hasn't blown up in his face yet. On his belt are a line of vials that glow the same color. Right now though, he's more on the defensive, keeping his shield up because this guy has a lot of weapons.]

[AND WADE IS...

Okay where is Wade. He was just here. He's not here anymore, where the hell did Wade go?

Well maybe he pussied ou-

And then he just pops up from around the corner, mercifully not to punch Juane]

BOO.

[The girly scream that emits from the warrior is surely intimidating and would render even the coldest enemy to their knees. Which is why Jaune falls back in the water, wetting his pants, gloves, and anything else that makes contact. He stares vacantly past Wade for a minute, stunned, before there's a little lopsided smirk and he punches the water, launching out some of his Dust into the water to send a volley of water columns bursting in Wade's direction.]

HAHA NERD-

[And then water in his face WAIT NO THAT WASN'T WHAT HE ASKED FOR.

Yes, he's armed to the teeth, but he never actually reaches for a weapon, immediately scampering out of range and trying to circle around]

Yeah, I'm the nerd.

[It's enough time for Jaune to get up and roll out of the way for an attack that never comes.

Rather than go after him, he holds his shield up and shoots more Dust at him, water spiraling around and trying to track Wade.]

Edited 2016-11-05 20:27 (UTC)

[There's a blue flash... and Wade doesn't appear to be there anymore.

Okay where the hell did he go. No one can just vanish.

Unless he actually did and here he comes popping back into visibility with a starfish to try and slap poor Juane in the face with]

I'm glad we agree.

Are you kidding me???

[Why was everyone a teleporter? Jaune's angry whispers are more like stage whispers than anything. His head jerks back upon impact and he retaliates by charging at him, shield forward.]

[To which Wade steps to one side, and tries to hurl Juane over his hip.

You're not exactly Task Master, Juane.]

No actually I was being pretty serious. You're probably gonna cry later.

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