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Excuse me.

I got a question.

[There... is a very oddly dressed man on screen. A full body spandex suit with a mask, which on anyone else would look stupid-

It still looks stupid.

But it looks stupid while showcasing the fact that this man is built like a brick shit house and is further more, armed to the teeth. Two katanas sheathed at his back, two guns in the holster, a bandolier filled with ammo, it appears there's a few daggers sheathed around his boots-]

Can I get this necklace in maybe like a vermilion or like maybe a dark sort of galaxy cut ruby?

I got fucking taste here, don't insult me with this garbage.

[And a text later]

Also where the fuck am I and who do I have to shank for a sandwich around here?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Look I'm sorry I made fun of your girlfriend, but she's kinda old for you.

On that note, I have like eight billion pouches, I'm a Leifield character. I'm lucky my pecs aren't bigger than my head.

Also also, you have like twenty five percent of a plate suit on and you're telling me what's okay to wear? You look like TRON had an 80's TV show and did their FCC Mandated Back In Time Episode.

She--

[His eyes widen again and his voice turns a little shrill as he speaks, very urgently.]

She isnotmygirlfriend. Why does everyone say that, we're both adults and we're friends.

[Why is he bragging about his pecs?] You gotta be exaggerating. There's no way you have that many pockets. Unless all your swords and guns have pockets. Even if you're a weapons fanatic, you're kind of going overboard with the whole armed with every weapon that exists theme. Are your weapons secretly another weapon? You should think about combining your katanas to form a machine gun.

It's an heirloom, and it's still better than spandex. [Thank you very little.]

Yeah. Adults. That are friends. And one of them is a girl and the other thinks she's hot nothing weird here.

[Deadpan]

Nope. Not exaggerating. Totally have eight million pockets. I got pockets in my pockets. I got pocket pockets for those pockets. I am, in fact, a humanoid pocket, an infinite generator of pockets. I am the pocketeniator. I am the Pocketolypse.

so is that just really fancy talk for your mom gave you that armor?

Edited 2016-11-05 07:48 (UTC)

You were a jerk and wrongfully criticized her fashion choices. I defended her. There's nothing more to it. Really! Stop overanalyzing something someone you just met said.

But if you had that many pockets, wouldn't the pockets eventually take over?

...Anyway, unless your spandex is made of, I don't know, some kind of super strong material, I'm not impressed. Got a name?

I'm sure as a billionaire owner of a company she's eternally grateful and you only did it because you're a gentleman and not because you think she's smokin' hot.

Okay look, I lied about the pockets, it was all a sham, you've got me. I was being hyperbolic and was suddenly caught up in my all consuming lie.

Well I mean you're welcome to come over here and take a few shots at it if that's what you're implying.

Deadpool.

Yeah. You're right. She's a billionaire owner of a company and a very successful, intelligent, classy woman. I'm glad we've come to an understanding.

How could you do that to me?

But you haven't done anything illegal yet. Why would I try to fight you?

[...

It's a very small, quiet laugh, but it's there.] I don't get it.

Edited 2016-11-05 07:59 (UTC)

Look dude, I'm the Consort-Prince of Hell because my wife is the Succubus Queen of the Underworld, I'm not gonna legitimize your girlfriends hotness for you.

I mean I haven't done anything illegal yet, but I've only been here like three minutes, stop pushing me.

Google it.

I was an Incubus so a Succubus doesn't impress me.

Pretty sure other people managed to in one. You're already falling behind. I guess as long as you don't start claiming to be the terrible lord of all powerful things or whatever and try blowing up the cities I don't care.

Or you could, I don't know, tell me.

Yeah but you weren't the king of the underworld and your boobs aren't half as nice.

... Do.... do you have anyone like that here? I'm serious, I gotta know.

Look it's supposed to be mysterious and thought provoking.

Does your wife wear spandex and a mask too?

Oh. Yeah. [He shrugs. He just looks tired.] It happens a lot here, I think the most recent one who was trying to take over Nova City just opened up a real estate agency or something. It's hard to keep up.

I'm sorry, I just don't see what's so mysterious about pools.

No. She wears a lot less than that.

... Excuse me.

[And for like a solid minute, just laughter. Just...]

I MEAN LIKE I GUESS IT WORKED FOR NORMAN TOO BUT GODDAMN-

[Continuing laughter]

IT'S LIKE APOCALYPSE OPENING A TAX FIRM-

[WHEEZE]

Edited 2016-11-05 08:32 (UTC)

Just a mask?

I'm not sure. I don't--

[Fully understand, but: Spandex, lots of weapons, hot wife, another guy with a ridiculous name who's probably evil...]

Is he some sort of bad guy?

If I said almost I wouldn't be lying.

Yeah. Yeah Apocalypse is uh... he's kinda evil. I mean kinda sorta.

...Okay. [That's not uncomfortable to think about at all. Nope.]

What about you?

Well I kinda have more on than just a mask and my tits don't look half as good and I think she pulls a thong off better than I do but I could always use a second opinion.

No that's okay you're probably forty what I meant was, how evil are you? Do you wear spandex to help people, or to hurt them?

Forty six!

Some people identify as morally nonbinary, asshole.

I was close, okay?

So...antihero?

Is that what the kids are calling it these days? I mean I guess I may as well be eighty six now.

I think it's great that you're old and still brave enough to wear spandex. You do you.

You're so good for my ego, I'm glad kids are getting into the heroing business now.

I wish I started when I was five.

I wish I could fight you without worrying about you throwing out your back.

I wish I could fight you without worrying about you getting on twitter to cry to your girlfriend about your ass getting kicked.

You know what I just wish I could fight you.

Well I'm standing here alone and cold kiddo, better come find me before I make my own crime to stop.

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